2062
Title: 2062
Pairing: Bandfic
Genre: Crack, SciFi.
Rating: PG for old people humor
Summary: In a recent interview, Super Junior said they wanted to stay together until they were in their fourties or fifties, and then start some sort of variety show that they could host together. Just try to imagine what that would be like . . . .
---
The year was 2062. Holographic projection units in billions of households on Earth, Mars, and the new Jupiter outpost were activated at exactly 10:00 AM GMT, either so that families could sit together and be entertained or so that the program that came on could be recorded for later.
There was a cat in each living room monitoring these recordings. In 2012, instead of a worldwide apocalypse, a certain member of a Korean boy band used his influence to become President of the World. He used cats to monitor and control all activities of the various citizens of Earth, though he hardly needed to. War and crime were abolished when he took office simply because he said they should be.
A viewer could tell which member he was when the holographic projection unit switched on - he was not the host, but his chair was the most ornate, made of cherry wood and lined with velvet cushions. His cat, Vice-secretary of the world and Secretary of Intelligence, was curled up on his lap. During the animal testing phase when the drug of immortality was discovered, the Kim Heechul volunteered his cat for the study, saying that the world didn’t deserve to live without something so beautiful.
Heebum passed with flying colors, but the drug had an unusual side effect. The cat’s vocal cords mutated and after that Heebum could only bark like a dog.
They managed to remove this side effect before human testing began.
Human use of the drug of imortality only began recently, though. All the members of Super Junior were in their sixties and seventies before it was deemed safe enough for human use. Heechul himself aged gracefully, reclined in his chair with long silver hair and fancying that he looks something like an extremely hot, old, wise vampire.
He watched as Leeteuk, his Press Secretary (and some say the power behind the throne), began his well-rehearsed opening. “Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Super Junior Show! Today we have a special program lined up for you-”
“Teukie, I think you forgot to put your dentures in,” said a bald man sitting nearby, his cane laying across his knees. “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
“No, they’re in . . . Kangin, did you forget to turn your hearing aid up?”
“What?! I said I can’t hear you!!”
“Turn your -!! Ah, never mind. Kyuhyunnie, can you . . . ?”
The magnae didn’t look up from his game, but he couldn’t, not exactly. He was wearing a leather jacket with a Rolling Stones t-shirt on under it, looking much as he did in their Bonamana album, except with his hair completely white and his face lined and wrinkled. He was also wearing thick black sunglasses - he had gone completely blind from so many computer and video games more than fifteen years before.
No one knew how he still managed to win every game he played.
He simply reached over and pressed a button on Kangin’s hearing aid, without pausing in his game.
“Is that any better?” Leeteuk asked.
“Modern technology never ceases to amaze me . . . .” Kangin muttered by way of reply.
“That’s what she said,” Kyuhyun said, smirking.
There was suddenly mayhem on the set.
“What’s what who said?”
“Who’s she?”
“Is she hot?”
“You didn’t tell me you met a chick! You need to share with your hyung.”
Kyuhyun only continued cackling in the face of all the questions, while Leeteuk sighed and waited for the excitement to die down before continuing. “As I was saying before, today is a very special program. Today is the Fiftieth Birthday celebration of the reign of Kim Heechul and the Super Junior oligarchy, as well as Weasel Stomping Day - Kyuhyun, stop messing with the cue cards!”
“Please, hyung, that got old years ago,” Kyuhyun mumbled.
Leeteuk turned his glare to the other members. The hologram of Henry, sitting towards the end of the row of chairs, was smirking suspiciously, but Henry laughed at anything nowadays and that was probably all it was. Before immortality had been invented and war abolished, Henry had been drafted into the Canadian army to fight in World War Four in Lithuania. He had nearly died, but the doctors managed to download his brain into a computer before the ‘inferior fleshy shell’ had finally expired. Every few years an update for the system came out, but for a few months before that, Henry’s circuits got a little . . . strange.
Heechul considered it a crime against humanity that Henry had ‘died’ a virgin, and Leeteuk considered it a personal victory for being able to protect Henry’s virginity for that long. Henry, for his part, didn’t care, and was too busy ‘monitoring’ the internet. By monitoring, of course he meant messing with it, and by it, he meant anything that Kyuhyun was doing. The other man usually still managed to figure out what was going on, but the tantrums he threw when he couldn’t were still priceless, and so worth the wait.
And Henry was the one who changed the cue cards. He printed them out, after all. But as a tribute to the man who had started the tradition of messing with them, he renamed the cards ‘Q cards’ and left it to Kyuhyun to take the blame.
There was also another hologram in attendance, but not because he had been downloaded onto a computer. Lee Donghae was currently serving as ambassador to an alien planet that only Henry could pronounce correctly, thanks to his superior processing ability (he could also do the best Mr. T impressions, but that was unrelated). Periodically Donghae would press buttons on his chair, his image going in and out of focus, saying, “I can’t tell if it’s working or not.”
Most episodes seemed to start like this. Leeteuk only used his walker to hobble back to his spot between Heechul and Kangin and wait for something interesting to happen. He was seventy-nine now, and he could honestly afford to do whatever he wanted. A commercial break would probably come up soon, and they would be playing their old music videos, so why did it matter.
“We’re going to go to Eunhyuk with the weather,” he decided.
“We don’t have a weather segment, Teukie-hyung. . . .” the other man muttered.
“We do now.”
Eunhyuk sighed and stood up, waddling up to an old fashioned greenscreen. “It’s going to be cold on Mars, and cold on Titan. The weather is going to suck on Earth for this half of the screen,” he motioned broadly to one side of the screen, “but it shouldn’t be too bad for the rest of it.” The rest of it consisted of Australia and Antarctica.
Eunhyuk returned to his seat, folded his arms, forgot what he was mad about, and fell asleep.
Heechul finally looked directly towards the holographic image recorder. “To celebrate my rise to power, we will also be doing a ‘Best of’ segment. Not just a Best of Super Junior, but also a Best of Kim Heechul, including the best pictures ever taken of me, the best dances I’ve ever done, the best fanfiction ever written about me (there will be a winner from every language), and the best prank I’ve ever been a part of, including this one.”
He pressed a button on the arm of his chair, and a torrent of water suddenly poured down . . . onto Siwon. “Sorry, Siwonnie!” he said. “Must have been the wrong button. Hannie, what does this say?” he whined, poking Hankyung in the arm and pointing to the buttons.
Hankyung had returned to Super Junior during World War Four, which had been started by SM Entertainment. The production company was attempting to take over the lives of every Asian pop star, and had attacked Taiwan, getting the various other countries who held treaties with the island involved in the struggle. That was when Heechul first began gaining more favor with the general population - he began the first successful rebellion and that was when Hankyung had come back, as Heechul’s bodyguard and lead general.
And for reasons unknown but probably connected to his ‘military service,’ he was completely deaf, or pretending to be. He pointed to one of the buttons, and Heechul nodded and pressed it.
The water splashed down on Sungmin this time, or tried to. But Sungmin had spent the last thirty years apprenticed to Chuck Norris, and the water, a few inches away from hitting him, thought better of it and returned to the bucket. Sungmin roundhouse kicked it to the face, anyways.
Shindong’s grandchildren, who were climbing all over the man, clapped and cheered. “Can you teach me how to do that, uncle Sungmin?” one of them asked.
“You must already have the knowledge within your soul before you have the capacity to learn,” Kibum replied before Sungmin could.
He and Sungmin had enforced Heechul’s ban on war and crime, Sungmin doing so with his training, and Kibum, with an oddly YeWook shaped duffle bag that was even now sitting beside him. No one had ever seen the contents of the bag and lived to tell the tale. “Can we come out now?” the bag asked, though it immediately shushed itself.
Ryeowook and Yesung had been stuck in the bag since the end of World War Four. A nuclear bomb had gone off near where Ryeowook had been stationed and caused a mutation in his genes that turned him into a slobbering demon-creature with sharp claws and fangs dripping with venom. The Duffle Bag could contain his power for a short time, but not long, and soon Yesung was called in, being the only one who could return his friend to a semi-normal state.
So they lived in the bag, but it wasn’t a bad life - they had a full kitchen, fresh food delivered every day, cable, and a holographic outdoor sports arena where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted until Kibum required their ability to defeat evil.
Despite the hushed argument going on in the bag at the moment, it still tried to inch away. Zhou Mi put a foot out to stop it, figuring the power of his Super Shoes would be enough to stop it. The handle of the bag was hooked around the heel, and though the duffle bag struggled, it could not get away.
Zhou Mi did not have an official position in Heechul’s cabinet, but he was given a monopoly of the fashion industry, particularly shoes. Also, he helped create much more stylish uniforms for school children across the galaxy. If children were too worried about what they looked like, or looking bad in the uniforms (not everyone could be Heechul ge and rock those) they couldn’t focus as much on schoolwork. That was his opinion, at least. And everyone had the right to look good.
“I hope we get to watch the 2014 performance,” he sighed. “I think that one was my favorite.”
No one replied. They were all already asleep, including Henry, who was probably just bored and decided to recharge his mobile power unit. Zhou Mi frowned, but picked up the duffle bag, dragged it over to Kyuhyun’s seat, snuggled up in his lap, and fell asleep.
A/N: I told you it was crack.
Pairing: Bandfic
Genre: Crack, SciFi.
Rating: PG for old people humor
Summary: In a recent interview, Super Junior said they wanted to stay together until they were in their fourties or fifties, and then start some sort of variety show that they could host together. Just try to imagine what that would be like . . . .
---
The year was 2062. Holographic projection units in billions of households on Earth, Mars, and the new Jupiter outpost were activated at exactly 10:00 AM GMT, either so that families could sit together and be entertained or so that the program that came on could be recorded for later.
There was a cat in each living room monitoring these recordings. In 2012, instead of a worldwide apocalypse, a certain member of a Korean boy band used his influence to become President of the World. He used cats to monitor and control all activities of the various citizens of Earth, though he hardly needed to. War and crime were abolished when he took office simply because he said they should be.
A viewer could tell which member he was when the holographic projection unit switched on - he was not the host, but his chair was the most ornate, made of cherry wood and lined with velvet cushions. His cat, Vice-secretary of the world and Secretary of Intelligence, was curled up on his lap. During the animal testing phase when the drug of immortality was discovered, the Kim Heechul volunteered his cat for the study, saying that the world didn’t deserve to live without something so beautiful.
Heebum passed with flying colors, but the drug had an unusual side effect. The cat’s vocal cords mutated and after that Heebum could only bark like a dog.
They managed to remove this side effect before human testing began.
Human use of the drug of imortality only began recently, though. All the members of Super Junior were in their sixties and seventies before it was deemed safe enough for human use. Heechul himself aged gracefully, reclined in his chair with long silver hair and fancying that he looks something like an extremely hot, old, wise vampire.
He watched as Leeteuk, his Press Secretary (and some say the power behind the throne), began his well-rehearsed opening. “Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Super Junior Show! Today we have a special program lined up for you-”
“Teukie, I think you forgot to put your dentures in,” said a bald man sitting nearby, his cane laying across his knees. “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
“No, they’re in . . . Kangin, did you forget to turn your hearing aid up?”
“What?! I said I can’t hear you!!”
“Turn your -!! Ah, never mind. Kyuhyunnie, can you . . . ?”
The magnae didn’t look up from his game, but he couldn’t, not exactly. He was wearing a leather jacket with a Rolling Stones t-shirt on under it, looking much as he did in their Bonamana album, except with his hair completely white and his face lined and wrinkled. He was also wearing thick black sunglasses - he had gone completely blind from so many computer and video games more than fifteen years before.
No one knew how he still managed to win every game he played.
He simply reached over and pressed a button on Kangin’s hearing aid, without pausing in his game.
“Is that any better?” Leeteuk asked.
“Modern technology never ceases to amaze me . . . .” Kangin muttered by way of reply.
“That’s what she said,” Kyuhyun said, smirking.
There was suddenly mayhem on the set.
“What’s what who said?”
“Who’s she?”
“Is she hot?”
“You didn’t tell me you met a chick! You need to share with your hyung.”
Kyuhyun only continued cackling in the face of all the questions, while Leeteuk sighed and waited for the excitement to die down before continuing. “As I was saying before, today is a very special program. Today is the Fiftieth Birthday celebration of the reign of Kim Heechul and the Super Junior oligarchy, as well as Weasel Stomping Day - Kyuhyun, stop messing with the cue cards!”
“Please, hyung, that got old years ago,” Kyuhyun mumbled.
Leeteuk turned his glare to the other members. The hologram of Henry, sitting towards the end of the row of chairs, was smirking suspiciously, but Henry laughed at anything nowadays and that was probably all it was. Before immortality had been invented and war abolished, Henry had been drafted into the Canadian army to fight in World War Four in Lithuania. He had nearly died, but the doctors managed to download his brain into a computer before the ‘inferior fleshy shell’ had finally expired. Every few years an update for the system came out, but for a few months before that, Henry’s circuits got a little . . . strange.
Heechul considered it a crime against humanity that Henry had ‘died’ a virgin, and Leeteuk considered it a personal victory for being able to protect Henry’s virginity for that long. Henry, for his part, didn’t care, and was too busy ‘monitoring’ the internet. By monitoring, of course he meant messing with it, and by it, he meant anything that Kyuhyun was doing. The other man usually still managed to figure out what was going on, but the tantrums he threw when he couldn’t were still priceless, and so worth the wait.
And Henry was the one who changed the cue cards. He printed them out, after all. But as a tribute to the man who had started the tradition of messing with them, he renamed the cards ‘Q cards’ and left it to Kyuhyun to take the blame.
There was also another hologram in attendance, but not because he had been downloaded onto a computer. Lee Donghae was currently serving as ambassador to an alien planet that only Henry could pronounce correctly, thanks to his superior processing ability (he could also do the best Mr. T impressions, but that was unrelated). Periodically Donghae would press buttons on his chair, his image going in and out of focus, saying, “I can’t tell if it’s working or not.”
Most episodes seemed to start like this. Leeteuk only used his walker to hobble back to his spot between Heechul and Kangin and wait for something interesting to happen. He was seventy-nine now, and he could honestly afford to do whatever he wanted. A commercial break would probably come up soon, and they would be playing their old music videos, so why did it matter.
“We’re going to go to Eunhyuk with the weather,” he decided.
“We don’t have a weather segment, Teukie-hyung. . . .” the other man muttered.
“We do now.”
Eunhyuk sighed and stood up, waddling up to an old fashioned greenscreen. “It’s going to be cold on Mars, and cold on Titan. The weather is going to suck on Earth for this half of the screen,” he motioned broadly to one side of the screen, “but it shouldn’t be too bad for the rest of it.” The rest of it consisted of Australia and Antarctica.
Eunhyuk returned to his seat, folded his arms, forgot what he was mad about, and fell asleep.
Heechul finally looked directly towards the holographic image recorder. “To celebrate my rise to power, we will also be doing a ‘Best of’ segment. Not just a Best of Super Junior, but also a Best of Kim Heechul, including the best pictures ever taken of me, the best dances I’ve ever done, the best fanfiction ever written about me (there will be a winner from every language), and the best prank I’ve ever been a part of, including this one.”
He pressed a button on the arm of his chair, and a torrent of water suddenly poured down . . . onto Siwon. “Sorry, Siwonnie!” he said. “Must have been the wrong button. Hannie, what does this say?” he whined, poking Hankyung in the arm and pointing to the buttons.
Hankyung had returned to Super Junior during World War Four, which had been started by SM Entertainment. The production company was attempting to take over the lives of every Asian pop star, and had attacked Taiwan, getting the various other countries who held treaties with the island involved in the struggle. That was when Heechul first began gaining more favor with the general population - he began the first successful rebellion and that was when Hankyung had come back, as Heechul’s bodyguard and lead general.
And for reasons unknown but probably connected to his ‘military service,’ he was completely deaf, or pretending to be. He pointed to one of the buttons, and Heechul nodded and pressed it.
The water splashed down on Sungmin this time, or tried to. But Sungmin had spent the last thirty years apprenticed to Chuck Norris, and the water, a few inches away from hitting him, thought better of it and returned to the bucket. Sungmin roundhouse kicked it to the face, anyways.
Shindong’s grandchildren, who were climbing all over the man, clapped and cheered. “Can you teach me how to do that, uncle Sungmin?” one of them asked.
“You must already have the knowledge within your soul before you have the capacity to learn,” Kibum replied before Sungmin could.
He and Sungmin had enforced Heechul’s ban on war and crime, Sungmin doing so with his training, and Kibum, with an oddly YeWook shaped duffle bag that was even now sitting beside him. No one had ever seen the contents of the bag and lived to tell the tale. “Can we come out now?” the bag asked, though it immediately shushed itself.
Ryeowook and Yesung had been stuck in the bag since the end of World War Four. A nuclear bomb had gone off near where Ryeowook had been stationed and caused a mutation in his genes that turned him into a slobbering demon-creature with sharp claws and fangs dripping with venom. The Duffle Bag could contain his power for a short time, but not long, and soon Yesung was called in, being the only one who could return his friend to a semi-normal state.
So they lived in the bag, but it wasn’t a bad life - they had a full kitchen, fresh food delivered every day, cable, and a holographic outdoor sports arena where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted until Kibum required their ability to defeat evil.
Despite the hushed argument going on in the bag at the moment, it still tried to inch away. Zhou Mi put a foot out to stop it, figuring the power of his Super Shoes would be enough to stop it. The handle of the bag was hooked around the heel, and though the duffle bag struggled, it could not get away.
Zhou Mi did not have an official position in Heechul’s cabinet, but he was given a monopoly of the fashion industry, particularly shoes. Also, he helped create much more stylish uniforms for school children across the galaxy. If children were too worried about what they looked like, or looking bad in the uniforms (not everyone could be Heechul ge and rock those) they couldn’t focus as much on schoolwork. That was his opinion, at least. And everyone had the right to look good.
“I hope we get to watch the 2014 performance,” he sighed. “I think that one was my favorite.”
No one replied. They were all already asleep, including Henry, who was probably just bored and decided to recharge his mobile power unit. Zhou Mi frowned, but picked up the duffle bag, dragged it over to Kyuhyun’s seat, snuggled up in his lap, and fell asleep.
A/N: I told you it was crack.