Why I'll never be a CEO
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for attending the First Annual Shareholders' Meeting of FooCorp. We're going to keep things fairly informal here, so you can call me Steve in the Q&A session that will follow. As we're having a Q&A, I'd ask you to hold your questions for it so that we can get through this brief introductory address in good time.
"Firstly, I'd like to thank those of you who purchased stock in our Initial Public Offering; the money raised will go a good ways to getting FooCorp started on the road to success and to making the world a better place to live in. I sincerely hope you enjoy the dividends, not just from payouts through your shares but also from the better standard of living everyone will see thanks to FooCorp's innovative products and services.
"For those of you who bought shares on the open market, well, I'm flattered by your interest but I do wish you'd invested in the IPO given that FooCorp didn't see dime-one of that money. I do hope you make better use of your shares than the witlings that bought in and then cut-and-run in a feeble attempt to make a quick buck. That's not what the market is supposed to be for in a functioning economy; this isn't supposed to be a betting parlour or a dog track, but a way to get new ventures off the ground or to allow successful ventures to grow more quickly and better serve the real market.
"So keep that in mind when I say that thanks to the 52% voting interest we're holding internally at FooCorp we're not going to give a flying hoot about implementing any procedural suggestions or 'brilliant' ideas that come up in the Q&A. Those of you who invested in the IPO did so, hopefully, because you saw the promise in FooCorp's ideas and trust those of us who laid the foundations; those of you who bought on the market should have done so because you liked what you saw. I don't think any of you are experts in our field, and you certainly aren't current with the details of our day-to-day operations so you just don't have the information (and for many of you the expertise) necessary to see how changes in policy affect production. So I'll thank you for your kind offers of advice but will advise you that we won't feel obliged to use any of it.
"If you're worried about the face value of the shares, keep worrying. We have absolutely zero interest in the usual Wall Street pump-and-dump circus, so we're not going to make showy operational changes just to get a good article in the Journal. If running the company in a sustainable manner that will keep the dividends coming for years ends up with lower share prices, so be it. We're not going to manage by fad every week so you can flog these shares to some Greater Idiot, especially since FooCorp doesn't benefit from reselling in the slightest. If you all stupidly panic and drive the price into the cellar, that's fine by me... it'll just make it easier to buy our shares back and get us out of this stupid casino so that we can concentrate more on the real work of FooCorp and keep more of our profits to boot.
"Thank you again for your interest in FooCorp. I think now is a good time for a short break for refreshments and the gathering of torches and pitchforks. Remember that the Q&A session will start promptly on the hour."
-- Steve's stuck while writing something for the office, and had to get this out of his head to get focused back on the Giant Procedural Document of Doom. Hope you enjoy it.
"Firstly, I'd like to thank those of you who purchased stock in our Initial Public Offering; the money raised will go a good ways to getting FooCorp started on the road to success and to making the world a better place to live in. I sincerely hope you enjoy the dividends, not just from payouts through your shares but also from the better standard of living everyone will see thanks to FooCorp's innovative products and services.
"For those of you who bought shares on the open market, well, I'm flattered by your interest but I do wish you'd invested in the IPO given that FooCorp didn't see dime-one of that money. I do hope you make better use of your shares than the witlings that bought in and then cut-and-run in a feeble attempt to make a quick buck. That's not what the market is supposed to be for in a functioning economy; this isn't supposed to be a betting parlour or a dog track, but a way to get new ventures off the ground or to allow successful ventures to grow more quickly and better serve the real market.
"So keep that in mind when I say that thanks to the 52% voting interest we're holding internally at FooCorp we're not going to give a flying hoot about implementing any procedural suggestions or 'brilliant' ideas that come up in the Q&A. Those of you who invested in the IPO did so, hopefully, because you saw the promise in FooCorp's ideas and trust those of us who laid the foundations; those of you who bought on the market should have done so because you liked what you saw. I don't think any of you are experts in our field, and you certainly aren't current with the details of our day-to-day operations so you just don't have the information (and for many of you the expertise) necessary to see how changes in policy affect production. So I'll thank you for your kind offers of advice but will advise you that we won't feel obliged to use any of it.
"If you're worried about the face value of the shares, keep worrying. We have absolutely zero interest in the usual Wall Street pump-and-dump circus, so we're not going to make showy operational changes just to get a good article in the Journal. If running the company in a sustainable manner that will keep the dividends coming for years ends up with lower share prices, so be it. We're not going to manage by fad every week so you can flog these shares to some Greater Idiot, especially since FooCorp doesn't benefit from reselling in the slightest. If you all stupidly panic and drive the price into the cellar, that's fine by me... it'll just make it easier to buy our shares back and get us out of this stupid casino so that we can concentrate more on the real work of FooCorp and keep more of our profits to boot.
"Thank you again for your interest in FooCorp. I think now is a good time for a short break for refreshments and the gathering of torches and pitchforks. Remember that the Q&A session will start promptly on the hour."
-- Steve's stuck while writing something for the office, and had to get this out of his head to get focused back on the Giant Procedural Document of Doom. Hope you enjoy it.