I know, I know....

[anahata56]

It's been a long time since I've been here. In all honesty, life has been busy at best, crushingly so at worst. And I've found myself in this wordless place--probably because I've found myself in a place that has had life and circumstances swirling so madly around me that there has been no space to think a thought, let alone craft a sentence worthy

Comments

[siliconshaman]

*HUGE HUGS*

To quote: Freedom starts with saying "Fuck 'em!"

Christianity is a religion of slaves, and that attitude has been institutionalised into it. I'm sorry that your family decided to be such arses, it's pretty obvious who's the more adult person here though.

[anahata56]

Thanks, Honey--and forgive me my tardiness when I say, "Happy Birthday"! I did remember, and sent my silent best wishes to you, as I continue to do now.

And thanks for the HUGE HUGS--I need 'em! ;-)

[siliconshaman]

I figured that life was busy otherwise you'd be around, so you had my silent well wishes at the solstice.

[pagawne]

Honey, you are loved, with no conditions. The really sick thing is the Jesus simply said "Love one another as I have loved you." He didn't put conditions on that love. He never taught hate and shunning, because it is *wrong*. So much of that came out of the Victorian era, and it is still doing damage to our society. I suspect your parents are in for a rude awakening when they are in a position for Jesus to actually talk back to them.

Hope things improve for you soonest. Hope Jobe and his friend can soon have their own place and you can have some peace and quiet.

[anahata56]

The thing that's hard for me to swallow, Paula, is that while I know in my heart that I am loved unconditionally, the very FIRST people who were supposed to love me that way--my parents, my family--have never done so. And while I know that there are those people in the world who love me dearly, it's hard to trust it when the people who were put on this planet to teach you what love is have given you such a completely twisted picture of what it's supposed to look like. And I know that a lot of what twists Christianity is manmade--a result of people changing what Christianity teaches to serve their own purposes and their own judgemental attitudes. But it is so prevalent, and so virulent...

Would that you, and others like you, could have a little word with them. But the truth is that I've seen them do it to you as well, so I know that you know what I'm talking about

[fiannaharpar]

pagawne has said pretty much what I was thinking. It breaks my heart that you are going through this and I am so glad that you are getting help to get through.

You deserve to be loved for who you are and the fact that your family is unable to do that is not your fault.

I will be keeping you in my prayers and as I associate you with apples, I will cook with them tonight and keep you in mind as I do so. You are a beautiful and loving person and you are perfectly fine as you are, believing what you believe, and doing what you are doing.

[anahata56]

You are a wonderful, loving person--another one that I wish could have a little word with the people who behave this way.

The one thing that I truly and dearly hope for, in my heart of hearts, is that if people are going to insist on believing in this religion, that they do not do so to the exclusion of loving the people around them. It twists their own souls, and the souls of those around them.

Love your children, just as they are. If I could get that message through to the people who need to hear it, for the sake of their little ones, then I would have done more for the world than I ever dreamed. But when you're dealing with multi-generational insistence that children obey their parents, to the point of rejecting the essence of who they are, then it seems a job that would take hundreds and hundreds of years to do.

Thanks for always being there. Thanks for caring. Thanks for the image of apples simmering away in your kitchen, filling the air with delightful sweetness--that will get me through more than today, I can tell you! ;-)

[bkwrrm_tx]

Oh god. What a mess. You are one of the strongest, bravest women I know, and I know you'll get through this.

*hugs*

[anahata56]

I think that being strong and brave are the things that have actually gotten me into this mess, truth be told...;-)

It's time when I need to be able to expect other people to be strong and brave.

As Frank said, "What makes it more important for you to know how to deal with life than it is for your father to deal with it? He's literally old enough to be your father--time to make him suck it up and not do it FOR him."

So yeah--I'll get through it--but so must HE. And I can't do it FOR him--it's his road to walk.

[bkwrrm_tx]

I think that's something I need to learn. I can't take care of anyone (or everyone) else until/unless I can take care of me.

[silkensteel]

Isn't this odd? I was asking myself how you were doing yesterday, and how much I missed reading of your life - the good and the ill. Since the commute to just stop over with a jar of chili is kinda prohibitive. :)

I am so, so sorry that you had this happen. And yet, I remember where I was when my life crashed like that. I Know that I wouldn't have gotten to where I am now if stasis hadn't come crashing down. I found myself surrounded by the bloody, twitching parts of reality and had to clean it all up to see the true landscape.

I am also apologizing for not doing a better job of just staying in touch, of taking the lazy way out by waiting instead for you to type stuff.

Frank is a great therapist. He sees YOUR desired state instead of his subjective interpretation.

And now, from 2600 or so miles away, for what it's worth, what can I do to help? Heck, if you just need a chance to get away, fly out here and crash for a week or so on my couch. :)

[anahata56]

Don't apologize--there were times when I didn't necessarily want to hear what I had to say--which was one of the reasons I didn't share it sooner. And there really isn't much you can do to help except to be your own sweet and salty self--which I rely on more than you know.

And yeah--Frank IS a great therapist. There is something pretty wonderful about someone who won't let you off the hook, but at the same time is willing to validate your anger--especially when it's someone who has no personal investment in that anger. Someone objective who can look at a situation with no real skin in the game and who can say, "Yeah--that DOES suck."

The emotional twisties of familial relations are almost beyond navigating--and definitely beyond navigating without bleeding a bit. So if you're going to suck up the courage to finally make the journey, it's good to know that you have someone with a strong hand on the rudder, who will actually listen to where YOU want to go, but won't let you run yourself into the rocks.

[silkensteel]

The examiner who Recognized my Ordination said something like how in counseling others, along with that came the uncomfortable realization that he was also counseling himself. If he didn't pay attention to what he said to others, he would miss what he himself needed to Hear and Act Upon.

And, yeah. I hate that. :)

I consider it one really really Bad Sin of Omission. To hear what needs to happen, and to come up with excuses as to why one CAN'T DO IT. And now that I've said that, I need to finish figuring out what broke in the dryer, because replacing the thermistor and a pair of sensors hasn't seemed to fix it. There's got to be a pony in my life somewhere, maybe I need a bigger shovel. :)

[silkensteel]

Whoops, that was me. Stupid LJ. :)

[saavik]

{{{{{{{{{Belle}}}}}}}}}
Reading this brought tears to my eyes not least because what you have experienced is a pain that I have known all my life. I just want to say though that religion/Christianity is not the only thing that engenders such destructive beliefs.
My parents were never overtly religious, but their idea of what a daughter owed her parents was just as rigid and narrow.

In their eyes I owed them grandchildren, and dinner together every Sunday, and to live next door to them so that Dave and I could be within reach and resposive to their every whim. It didn't matter where my interests or abilities lay, if I did not allow them to live the life they wanted vicariously through me, I was a substandard child, ungrateful and unworthy.

Your experience mirrors mine to the point where I'm sitting here with tears running down my face as I write this.

I admire your spirit and your resilience in becoming the open, loving person that you are despite everything.

Love and hugs,
Margo

[anahata56]

I think that this is the reason why I reject, violently, the idea of "unfriending" people on the basis of philosophical differences of opinion. I mean, if you have interested me or charmed me or intrigued me enough to be my "friend", then you will continue to be my friend even when I cannot agree with you.

I will fight with you, but the whole time I'm fighting, I'll love you. That doesn't change. You are my friend unconditionally.

I hate it when arguments get personal, because that's not a difference of opinion--that's an invalidation of the person and who they are, not what they believe.

In spite of all of this, I feel love for them--if I didn't, then I would be as bad as they are, right? They are my family. They belong to me, inevitably and irretrievably, forever and for always. But what I'm trying to figure out with Frank is how to love them with no expectations that they will ever love me, and how to keep that idea from eating me alive.

[saavik]

Interesting problem. How can unconditional love be a good thing when it "eats you alive"? The question is applicable to both sides of the relationship, I think.

Not trying to raise difficulties, Belle, just doing a little free-association.

[anahata56]

Maybe because what I feel for them is not as "unconditional" as I think it is. It is still wrapped up in expectations--and even if the expectations are reasonable (the expectation that a parent love a child is not too much to ask, I don't think), the expectation is still there.

I'm actually glad you said this, because that's something of a revelation. The only way that I can truly love them unconditionally is when I reach a point where I can love them with no expectations of getting their approval or love in return. And the only way I can do that is to establish boundaries regarding how much power they have over my life