Confusion in our hearts
Chapter IX
On my way downtown to the hotel I was so nervous as never before and I kept squirming behind the steering wheel. For the first time I was able to completely understand Ville’s scratching in moments like this. I felt goose pimples all over my body. I grinned on comparison of a teenager and myself on a first date. It was my first time indeed, though my date is not brushing his teeth and choosing his underwear. My date is nervous as I but mad as hell. My date is probably setting some kind of trap. A bucket full of glue and bag of feathers to fall on my head and welcome me.
But I didn’t care. I just wanted to spill out what I have and to end his nightmare. And mine as well.
I parked the car on the lot and headed to the entrance of hotel, in the lift, out on the sixth floor, down the hall and stopped before his door. Number 666. Man, doesn’t he know how to choose or what? I grinned before taking a deep breath and knocking on his door.
I heard the footsteps slowly approaching and the door opening with squeak. Head was slowly protruding behind the door revealing me the tall, skinny figure, face covered with long brown curls hiding his green eyes. The room was filled with dark only one lamp in the corner fighting with it. Was it just me or this is a bit spooky?
He let me inside I closed the door, he sat himself on the bed.
“Say what you have and get out of my life.” He said opening another can of beer. Judging by the number of cans scattered all over the floor around the bed.
“Ville, I want you to be quite and listen what I have to say and then I’ll go away. I’ll go and you won’t ever see me again if that’s what you want OK?” I was saying sitting next to him on the bed.
“Fine. I’m all ears,” he said leaning his back on the wall, legs crossed lighting a fag.
“First I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through today.” He was curiously eyeing me.
“This is very hard to say.” I took a deep breath before going on.
“I’m the one who’s responsible for this mess.”
“Ha, you can bet you shitty ass you are!”
“Ville, you said you’d be quiet.” I reminded him. He nodded.
“I’m not disgusted with the thought of you having AIDS, I wasn’t avoiding you and running away from you because I was afraid you’ll infect me. It’s true I was freaking out because of you, but it has nothing to do with what you think it has. I’m 100% sure you don’t have AIDS, and I assure you, you weren’t banging any chick. I know your results will be all right for I don’t have it. I’m the one who made that bruise on your neck.” I halted giving him and myself some time to swallow what I’ve just said before I go onto my emotional confession.
“What?!” he was flabbergasted. “You did that?” “But why? How? When?” he was inquiring.
“Calm down and listen for what I’m going to say might give you a heart attack. Just Listen, I’ll explain everything, OK?” he slouched to take another fag. I took that as yes.
“We came back home, and you were so drunk that I had to take you to bed. I dropped you on the bed and fell on you. You were already passed out and I was looking at your face and I lightly kissed your lips several times. But then I wanted to kiss you on the neck, and your skin was so soft that I just couldn’t resist sucking it. You murmured and I jumped off you. I didn’t know why I did that.” I felt tears watering my eyes so I bowed my head unable to look him in the eyes.
“I didn’t sleep the whole night, I was just lying there watching you, trying to understand why did I kiss you. I was so confused with my feelings and I was hoping you won’t remember a thing. But when you waked up I didn’t know what to say so I let you think what you wanted. Then when we got home from the hospital I fell asleep and I had the dream of you, a sexual one. I was wandering what the fuck is going on with me and I was afraid of your touch because I was afraid to admit myself what I am and how do I feel. And when you left today, it all came to me. I realized I’ve lost you as a friend. You were my only friend, and you trusted me and I made hell of your life, because I was blind to see that I’ve lived in lie. I’m gay, Ville. And I love you. You’re the only person in my life I’ve ever felt anything for real. I was in love with you since the day we met…” I was losing my breath and my face was wet of the rivers running from my eyes. I somehow managed to open my mouths again and say the final line but this time I wanted to look him in the eyes. I was lifting my head slowly when my eyes closed at once when something shut my lips.
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So love/hate?
P.S. End is nearer than you think :)