Confusion in our hearts
Chapter VII
I dragged myself inside slamming the door behind me. He’s gone. He’s desperate, hurt, and wretched all because of me. Congratulations Bam, you’ve just got yourself the first prize on the contest “How to destroy your best friend’s life in few steps”. Bow to the beautiful audience that should eat you alive.
I set on the sofa cursing the day I was born and I noticed his clothes lying on the floor. They’ve must be lying there for a long time there was dust all over them. I took his shirt in my hands and I was patting it wishing I had done that when he really needed it. It smelled on bears and fags. Yeah, it smelled it wasn’t stinking. Everything about that man was good. There were no bad sides of his personality. Shit, just think of today. What would you do if you were him? When you freaked out he forgot about his problem and was truly worried about you. And what did you do in return? You couldn’t hold out your hands and hug him! You fucking idiot.
“You see, you can’t even touch me without giving it a second thought.” Yes, you were so right Ville, you can’t even imagine how much. But you missed the real reason for my reluctance. I was selfish trying not to get insane again because of touching you. Ever since that stupid dream I was avoiding any contact with your melancholic eyes. I was retreating from every warm and soft touch of your hand. I was distancing myself from your presence because…
Yeah Bam, Why did you do that? What are you really afraid of? What did he do you wrong to avoid him? What? What are you so fucking afraid of, you selfish, idiotic, self-centered bastard?
“Shut up! You’re freaking me out!” I was screaming as loud as I could. Hordes of thoughts were running in my head, making it unbearable.
I went to the kitchen looking for something to drink in the fridge. The sight of the plates and the food on it untouched, two chairs pulled away from the table brought the whole scene back to me. Oh God, just tell me what the fuck is going on with me? What is so wrong with me that I made this whole mess? How did I got myself here?
I felt salty water rolling over my cheeks and I didn’t try to fight it back. Cry Bam, he’s crying too.
Cry you motherfucker, cry! He’s gone and he won’t come back this time!
Cry you bastard!
He told you he thought you were his friend. He’s not coming back.
Cry you jackass for you have brought that innocent dear man to the edge. Cry!
Cry! And pray that you to die!
Cry for he gave you himself on the plate.
Cry you selfish little shit!
Cry for he gave you his soul and you buried him alive!
Cryyyyyyyyyy!!!
I was lying on the kitchen floor curled up, squeezing my stomach for I felt knives stabbing me from inside. The pain was indescribable; I was hardening my grip, loosing my breath. But it didn’t stop. I felt like my heart is falling apart inside of me, I felt like nothing else matters. You have nothing to live for now. He’s gone. His beautiful face will never wake you up in the morning. You’ll never hear his voice again humming around your house.
God, this pain can’t be real! Yes it is. It is real. It is more real than anything else. And this is not a nightmare and you won’t wake up. This is cruel reality! So face it! Grow up!
“It’s all about dick.” Ville’s face came back to me. And again. “That’s why I like homosexuals.”
His face was coming out of nowhere bringing me back his random lines. The faces perplexed and the voices as well. And it was getting louder and louder.
“Friend should be someone who’s there for you when you most need him sick or not…fair exchange dick for dick...Prove it, then. Hold me…it’s all about dick…Friend should be someone who’s there…it’s all about dick…Prove it, then. Hold me… That’s why I like homosexuals… Prove it, then… it’s all about...”
I know it’s all about dick, just stop it! The faces disappeared smiling at me not uttering a sound. Silence. I felt calm at first, and kind of normal again. There was a sudden change and I didn’t felt lost as before. My mind stopped.
OH MY GOD! BAM YOU’RE GAY!!!
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So? Love/hate?