At last...
Sorry for the delay, but I've got stuff on, you know the drill. I'll get more done once the holidays start.
~Ville~
On and on our travels went, and yes, we did enjoy ourselves. I think Bam must have told Alice of my confession about the record company, and the fact that I was now paying for the trip, because all of a sudden, Alice was paying for everything. I didn’t realise she knew, at first. She was very clever about it, as though Bam had made her promise not to tell me that she knew. It started off with simple things, drinks and meals, then hotel bills, on to travel costs, even sightseeing, because there were times when we did do the whole “tourist thing” as she liked to call it, but gradually it began to dawn on me what she was doing. I think after the second time I didn’t receive a bill for the hotel rooms I realised that someone else must be paying for it.
Bam, I later found out, also contributed to the expenses, but since Alice was in a steady receipt of money as part of her Grandfather’s “clever investments”, it was really she who paid for our travels. I think during those few more weeks Bam and I became closer than ever before. Bam also grew more confident, and we would make love more often, even when Alice was in the hotel room with us, perhaps having a “long lie”. I knew she liked to watch, Bam knew it, too, so we’d put on a great show about it, with lots of panting and unnecessary moaning and extra foreplay, then we’d come back to the bedroom to find Alice with a cheeky smile on her face. I remember once Bam announced loudly that “Alice is fast asleep, I bet we could fuck right beside her and she wouldn’t wake up.”
She did wake up.
He also started making love to her alone again. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this at first, because I knew it was happening whenever I went out, and so there was an almost disturbing sort of dirty secrecy to it, and on the second week of it, I finally told Bam that he didn’t have to sneak around anymore, and that he was more than welcome to make love to “our Alice” whenever he liked. And so it became a normal thing to walk into the room to find them going at it, and, unlike the first time, it wasn’t awkward or horrifying at all, it was… beautiful, to be honest.
I think it took me a little longer to adjust to the idea that Bam wouldn’t mind my making love to Alice without him. It hadn’t really crossed my mind, I had been too busy worrying about all those calls I kept ignoring, and what to do about the forthcoming promo tours and so on. Surely they couldn’t be cancelled.
It was on the fourth week that it finally crossed my mind.
Bam was sleeping, tired out after a long walk we’d had that day, because I think he’d eaten something that had made him extra hyper that morning. He’d been bouncing around like a hyperactive child on ecstasy, and doing the usual Bam-like things, running into walls for our amusement, and apparently his own. (I’ll never understand that.) Alice and I had rented out a movie and were watching it in the hotel room. We’d done this a few times before, when we were staying in the one place for a relatively large amount of time. I can’t even remember what the movie was, only that it had subtitles and I was having a hard time reading them, because the actors were speaking so fast, and I can’t read English as quickly as I can speak it.
We were sitting together on the large sofa, I’d placed my arm around Alice and was holding her close, yes I think it was a love story, maybe in French, but I’m not sure. I wasn’t particularly enjoying it, and neither, I think was Alice, but it was nice to be in one another’s company without Bam’s hyperactivity for a little while, and to be able to do something grown up. Don’t get me wrong, I love dear little Bam with all my heart, but he can’t sit still sometimes, especially through movies like that one.
She snuggled in closely, sighing a little at the romantic scenes and squeezing my hand. I loved that little pressure. I adored that moment. We did it so often, snuggling up close together, often with Bam, too, but I suppose this moment was special in its own way - it was just us. Kissing her forehead, I let her sit up slightly so that we were now sitting beside one another. It took a few moments for me to register that we were now level with each other, and that we were clinging to each other.
Even up close, her skin is so beautifully smooth, it seems almost unreal. I remember Bam said something similar about my own skin, but I’d never realised what he meant until I’d looked at smooth skin like hers. She was so soft and so seemingly fragile, and yet she was proud and had an inner strength that shone through her eyes. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again - she wasn’t a girl, she was a lady.
Her fingers cupped my cheek slightly as she ran her thumb over my cheekbone. I closed my eyes, letting that wonderful sensation seem all the stronger without the sense of sight to distract me from it, then her other hand was on my neck - gentle, firm, stroking lovingly… And her lips were on mine, her scent was filling my world and everything about her was mine, suddenly. We were kissing slowly, taking time to savour each sensation as it came to us, letting our hands move naturally, by instinct.
We were both experienced, we both knew what worked and what didn’t, but all I was really thinking about was her. Alice, and only Alice flooded my mind as our two worlds slid together, and I felt our bodies tilting gently as she cradled my face and neck in those delicate hands. Everything was smooth and seemingly effortless. It just came naturally, my hands were caressing the curves of her body, and my lips were moving now from hers to her cheek, her neck, seeking out the spots that made her gasp or laugh gently, and of course there was that accent which I couldn’t place, but I knew there was a trace of Italian in there somewhere, and it really came out then. It seemed that strong emotions brought it out in her, and I loved her all the more for it.
“Ville, my darling, my Ville…” she whispered, as I gently kissed her neck and she ran her fingers through my hair, “I was wondering when you would want this…”
“Want what, my dear?” I purred, playing with her and kissing her cheek, shifting my weight gently on top of her, knowing full well that she was strong, and I’ve been told I’m very light.
“Don’t be such a tease,” she whispered, and then gasped as I nibbled at her ear, “you know what I mean.”
So we were playing this game, were we?
“Want you, my darling Alice? Want you? I want you, alright. More than anything…”
“My beautiful Ville,” she sighed contentedly, “always charming.”
“Not always.”
“Oh, really?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
She laughed at that, but she did kiss me, and not as gently as before, either, she kissed me firmly, with purpose, as though proving a point, that she, too, could be less than charming when she wanted to. Then my hands were moving again, I hated these boundaries between us, so many layers, but I knew that I’d probably have to work to get these off. Alice could drive a man crazy with teasing if she wanted to.
She giggled as I fumbled with the tiny buttons of her shirt, they seemed to be designed simply for the purpose of slipping from between a man’s fingers whilst he was trying to unbutton them.
“Is there something wrong, my sweet?”
I fumbled some more, and managed to get one done, but the second one slipped and I had to fight not to roar in aggravation. She sighed, rolling her eyes, and helped me with the shirt, before removing my own.
“Better?” she asked.
“Much.” I replied, before launching into another set of kisses, setting them upon her neck, and then just above her breasts, as my arms snaked round to her back.
Is this woman trying to kill me? How the Hell does this bra work? I thought you were supposed to pinch them!
“Twist a little,” she whispered in a voice that barely managed to contain the tension.
“Aha!” I announced, because little triumphs like this do make me happy, I’m afraid.
Finally it was coming naturally again. We just seemed to flow together. The rest of the clothing was stripped easily and soon the kisses were becoming much more passionate, the caressing became harder, more urgent, and then my hands were running up and down her round, smooth thighs, savouring in the fact that she wasn’t skeletal, like so many women today, and that there was flesh to be played with and caressed. My hand slipped between her legs quickly and she gasped in surprise. I couldn’t hold back the smile that spread across my lips at this.
From there on, I didn’t need to think about anything. The timing was perfect, everything was perfect; her gorgeous body squirmed beneath me until we were moving together in a perfect rhythm, slowly, because I knew that she valued control, in many ways. She didn’t like to be controlled at all, and this was evident even when we were making love, but in other ways I knew that, deep down, part of her did want to be controlled, and a very primal part of me wanted to control that part, to master it, because that is really all we men want - control.
Even as I looked into her eyes, I saw it, the little girl behind them that just wanted to be led along, the part that was giving in to me now, as we clung to each other and moved together steadily, my own breath coming out now in gasps as she panted, that expression of almost painful pleasure on her face, as though she wanted to cry out, to give herself to me completely, but the proud part of her was forcing it back. All I wanted was for it to come out, that was all my world revolved around then. The pleasure would be ten times greater, ten times more magical, if she just let go…
And we were rocking faster, and I was pushing into her harder, trying to force that submissive part out, seeing how far I could push it. We were moaning. I think perhaps I started it, but soon we were moaning together, in perfect time, and I knew I wanted to call out, to let her know of my love for her, of how precious she was to me, how perfect this moment was, but I needed her to call out first - don’t ask me why. I just needed her to do it. Male pride, perhaps.
Then, finally, I couldn’t contain it any longer, moaning wasn’t enough, gasping wasn’t enough.
“Oh God, I love you…” she gasped, “I love you!”
“I love you, my Alice, my pretty Alice…”
“Beautiful Ville, perfect Ville, perfect… I love you…”
It was perfect, utterly perfect, but I had to hold on, I wanted her to give in, and she knew it, too. We were both playing this game, remember? The game of control.
“My Alice…”
I pushed harder and harder, faster and faster, willing for it to happen. On and on, pushing and heaving, aching for it, trying so hard not to come, but to keep pushing together as one being, locked against each other Calling out each other’s name, “I love you”s being exchanged. “Oh God”s… And finally, she did give in.
“I’m yours! Oh God, utterly, I’m yours!”
Then it was over. There came that moment of blinding pleasure when this feeling was my entire universe and nothing else existed, and then there was the fall, the sudden drop in energy, back to contentment. I hate how hurried these things seem afterwards. As I looked into her eyes, I saw devotion there, but I saw something else, too.
Fear.
I collapsed into her arms, both of us still breathing heavily as she gathered me into her arms and let me rest there, my head in her bosom, moving with the changing rhythm of her breathing, my arms around her, holding her close, and her arms gently cradling my head. I felt my eyes closing. I was in my safe place again, and I was content now, except for one nagging feeling.
Alice was afraid. Was she afraid of me, or was she afraid of what she’d said? Or both, perhaps? I hadn’t exactly forced her into submission, but we’d both been playing the game. We both knew the rules, but what did that really mean to her? Perhaps she had never lost the power game. In truth, I rarely win. Then again, there are few who play it that way, but we all play it, even if we don’t know it. We just have our own rules. Had I broken a rule? No, I’d done what had come naturally to me. Perhaps… perhaps she had only ever submitted to one other person, a person she was afraid of…
Perhaps she’d submitted to David.
That thought made me feel filthy. I hadn’t meant to remind her of him, I’d just wanted to love her. I’d been a controlling lover and I knew it. It was all about body language, but I’d known what I was doing.
I looked up at her, to find that she was watching me with a dreamy expression on her face, her fingers playing with my hair absently. I kissed her perfect skin and she seemed to awake from her thoughts, whatever they were, to sigh and pull me closer.
“I love you, you know,” I whispered, “and I’d never, ever hurt you, you know that. I’d rather die first.”
She didn’t reply.
“I want to help you,” I continued, “I know you still think about him. You’re thinking about him now. You were afraid.”
She stopped mid-breath and her eyes widened slightly. I’d hit a nerve, which meant I had been correct.
“You were, weren’t you? You’re afraid that I’ll try and control you because you said that, even though you meant it only in love. I could see it in your eyes.”
“Ville, I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything if you don’t want to, but don’t be afraid of me, please. I’m not like him, I promise. I want you to be happy, that’s all. Nothing else.”
She sighed as I crawled a little higher and snuggled into her arms, before resuming her stroking of my hair. The effect was calming, and also made me feel a little sleepy.
“You’re a strange one, Ville. You and Bam both. I’ve never met anyone like you. Most men I’ve known, only really want a few things, the same things every time. Typical things, made worthless by cheap lust, but you, you make everything magical again. You make it feel like every time is the first time, but just then, I don’t know… I felt attached to you, I felt that I owed something to you, something massive, as though I owed everything to you, and it wasn’t even that which scared me…”
“What scared you? Let me help you, Alice.”
“I wanted to be yours, and I felt like yours… and I enjoyed it.”
Another moment passed in which many thoughts went through my head. First of all, I was… honoured that she felt that way, honestly. Secondly, I tried to understand what she was going through, tried to see things from her perspective, her fears and guilty pleasures. To belong to someone… I remembered that primal instinct to dominate that had risen within me like a great beast rising out of the darkness, and wondered what it would be like to be at the other end of that, to want to belong… Yes, I did know that feeling. Sometimes I would wish that Bam was more dominant. Sometimes, I would secretly lust for him to control me, just for a while, but I don’t think he was that kind of person.
“There’s nothing wrong in that.” I whispered.
She laughed, “You would say that, you’re a man.”
“No, I mean it, I understand. I’ve felt the same way.”
“You have?”
“Yes, and it’s okay no to be in control sometimes, you know. We’re not all like him, there are some who generally care for no reason other than that they love you, like Bam and I. We don’t want anything from you other than for you to be yourself, exciting Alice, fun Alice, classy Alice, intelligent Alice.”
“And if I wanted to change?”
“Then change! No one will hold you back! We want you to be happy, that’s all.”
She laughed, “You’re almost too good to be true! Do you have any flaws at all?”
I paused, as though trying in great difficulty to find a flaw.
“No, I don’t think I do have any flaws.” I said.
“My perfect Ville, is that it?
“Oh yes, absolutely perfect.”
“Perfect Ville who seems to always forget to tidy up?”
“Er…”
“Perfect Ville who drinks himself to sleep many a night?”
“Well…”
“Perfect Ville who-”
“Alright, alright… I was only joking.”
She giggled and pressed her lips to my forehead. Just then, Bam entered the room, yawning widely.
“Dude, do not let me eat those ever aga- Oh…” he said, spotting a naked Alice and I on the sofa.
“Umm…”
“Morning, sleepy,” Alice said, smiling at Bam.
A slow grin spread across his face as my own went bright red. I don’t know why, but I found this entire situation quite embarrassing. I mean, it wasn’t as if Bam hadn’t seen me naked before, he’d just never been fully clothed when it happened.
“Good film?” he said, sniggering.
“Abysmal.” Alice commented, “Well, from what I can remember.”
Finally I sat up, unable to just keep lying across Alice while Bam was watching. We huddled together, Alice finally becoming slightly more self-conscious as Bam approached the sofa, still wearing a massive grin. He sat down beside me as though it was perfectly normal for him to be clothed while his friends were naked. I have to say, the staring at my… er… anatomy, seemed a little inappropriate.
“Cold?” he asked.
“A bit.” I replied.
“Hmm…” he said, before yawning a little and making the most adorable little stretch with his arms.
“Still tired?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Come on, I think it’s time for bed, kids.” I said, standing up. I couldn’t help but notice Bam checking out my “posterior” (I love that word, I seem to remember someone saying it to me) as I did this.
“Bam, stick your eyes back in your head, you’ve seen it before. Come on, bed.” I commanded, and I was promptly obeyed, “Alice, are you coming?”
She nodded and followed silently. It was only afterwards, as both she and Bam curled up close, resting their heads on my chest, Bam heaving a contented sigh, that I realised that that was the first time she’d ever obeyed a more or less direct command without making a sarcastic remark or being stubborn, just for sheer stubbornness’ sake. Something had changed in her, but had I helped her at all?
That night, as we curled up together in the cool dark of the hotel room, she whimpered in her sleep again. It actually woke Bam up, this time, and I had the most overwhelming protective urge for both of them, but what could I do? It was only a dream, and if I woke her up, she would soon be asleep and dreaming again. No, this was the sort of dream that ran deeper, a dream made of memories, bad memories.
As Bam gazed up at me from where his head was resting on my chest so perfectly, the fearful look in his eye told me that he understood, and was as afraid for Alice as I was. He reached out for her silently, hesitantly, but determinedly (something so adorable, I actually felt tears come to my eyes) and stroked her face, as I placed a butterfly kiss on her frowning face which relaxed straight away, and the whimpers grew steadily more quiet as we kissed and stroked her gently, sending her back into the land of contented sleep, away from those horrible dreams. Our Alice.
I turned to see Bam looking up at me in the dark, those eyes displaying an unusual fear. It was so unlike Bam, to be worried or afraid, but there he was, and he wasn’t afraid for Alice now, because he was looking directly at me.
“What’s wrong, Bam?” I whispered.
“They phoned again. I switched your phone off, but I had to tell you.”
“Who was it?”
“Migé, the rest of the band, Seppo, too. I think they’re getting worried.”
“I’ll call them.”
“Do you have to?”
“Yes.”
He seemed to understand.
“Don’t worry about it too much, sweetheart, I’ll sort something out.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
He tilted his head upwards and I placed a quick, affectionate kiss on his lips, and then another.
“Night, Vil’.”
“Night, Bam.”
~~~~
The birdsong reminded me of the oystercatchers, those beautiful little birds. I’ve never seen anything like them. They’re not like other birds; they aren’t beautiful or particularly strong. Their song isn’t a melody, it’s a call, but it’s a haunting call that brings images of waves crashing against rocks and tiny little black and white birds with long, orange beaks huddled together against the wind. It’s a call that carries a message, a deep and meaningful and seemingly desperate message that only other oystercatchers seem to understand. They’re tough little things - free things, they can fly wherever they want, whenever they want. They travel inland, sometimes, but just like me, they love the sea, and not the warm, calm, almost dull waters of say, the Mediterranean, but the icy, roaring waves of the North, of Northern Scotland, of Ireland, of Scandinavia. Those kind of seas.
Oh, that I were an oystercatcher.
I glanced out of the window, but the mist covered the sleepy, sea-side town. We had returned here one last time, so that I could hear the oystercatchers. I hadn’t heard them yet, just the other sea-birds. I think that’s when I realised that I couldn’t keep going on this way any longer. It was sad, really, but that’s life.
A few more things, and I would be ready. I put the pen to the pad on the windowsill, took one last look at the sea, and began to write…
~Bam~
Those fucking birds. How could Ville love them so much? They’re so damn noisy!
I frowned and let my eyes slide open, silently cursing the oystercatchers. I’d never heard them so loud, so close, but I didn’t care. I wanted sleep, dammit! Finally the room came into focus, and I saw something that made my heart sink.
He was smiling. The pen was still sitting against the paper, but he wasn’t writing anymore. He was looking out the window, where that goddamn racket was coming from. He had this weird expression on his face, and I realised that there were tears on his cheeks, even as he was smiling. I knew what he was going to do, and suddenly there were tears in my eyes, too.
~Ville~
“Don’t leave.”
I jumped as I heard that little, sleepy, pleading voice call to me. I’d been so caught up in my thoughts of him, I hadn’t even read over my note, but it was too late for that. I turned to see a sleeping Alice and beside her, a pair of teary blue eyes gazing up at me with the most imploring look.
“I have to.” I whispered, but the voice wasn’t my own. It was raspy and metallic. You could hear the tears in it, even if my sobs were silent.
He didn’t say anything, but a tear trickled down his cheek as he sat up, looking miserable. His silence was worse than words.
“I have to, baby.” I repeated, crossing the room after placing the pen on top of the pad on the windowsill.
He looked away, and I felt so guilty… But it wasn’t my fault! I had to leave! That’s the way things were. It’s not like I’d never see him again!
“You can come with me, you know.” I said, desperately.
“It’s not like that, Ville. You know it isn’t. Alice can’t, she just can’t stay with us.” He turned back to me, “I’d love to, seriously, I would, but Alice is scared. She won’t admit it properly, but I know she is.”
I nodded, “We have to help her. She can’t go on like this.”
“I know.”
“But for now, I have to leave.”
“Right now?”
“Yes.”
He sighed, wiping his face and standing up. He looked at me for a moment, head tilted to one side, before I stepped forward and gathered him into my arms, then he clung to me, and I knew that he was breathing in my scent. I was doing it, too. It’s just one of those things… it sounds strange, but smells can bring back more memories than any image can, and I wanted to remember him while I was away working. I wanted to have a piece of him with me, in a way, even while I had to sort out all that boring, legal business. They say that normality is what you make it, but paperwork and loneliness had never been part of my dream.
“Can’t you stay a little longer?” he asked, kissing my neck a little as he said it.
“I really have to go.” I replied, but he was kissing slightly harder now. I knew what he was doing, of course, trying to distract me, and it was working.
“Well… maybe just a little bit longer…”
We ended up making love on the sofa as Alice slept, and then we went out to stand in the morning sunlight, holding hands for the last time, and listening to the birds together.
“I love you.” He said finally, as we sat outside an old little seaside hotel, watching everything, but only really seeing each other.
“I love you too.”
“I mean it, I love you more than anything. You’ve taught me so much lately. I never knew I could love… a man, the way I love you. You’ve been there for me and Alice… I don’t know what we’ll do without you.”
“Look after each other.” I told him, “Maybe you can come visit me?”
He nodded, “We will, I’ll make sure of it.”
“And maybe you can find out what it really is that makes her so scared.”
He smiled, “And then we can help her, and live together, all of us, forever!”
I nodded, “Forever.”
We sat for a moment, just gazing at each other, when our perfect moment was shattered by the sound of a car horn around the corner. My taxi for the airport had arrived.
“It’s time for me to go.” I said finally, “Look after her.”
He bit his lip and nodded as he watched me stand and pick up my suitcase. I turned to walk away, when he grabbed me and pulled me into possibly the roughest and most desperate and passionate kiss I’ve ever experienced. We both pulled back, breathless and flushed, as passers-by gave us odd looks.
“Bye.” He said.
“Bye.” I replied.
He watched me go. He just stood there, watching the taxi pull away, and our eyes never left each other, even as he got smaller and smaller, just a little figure on a cobbled street by the sea, our eyes never left each other. He grew more and more distant, and then, finally, he was gone.
~Alice~
Bam was crying when he got back, and I didn’t need to ask him to know what had happened. I simply gathered him into my arms and we cried together for a while. Neither of us felt silly about crying, despite the fact that Ville wasn’t gone forever. It was just one of those moments, and besides, I wasn’t crying because he’d physically left, I was crying because our Ville really had gone, back to his cage. He was trapped. We had lost him… or at least, that’s how it seemed to me.
Bam sniffed and pointed to a pad of paper sitting on the windowsill. I picked it up and offered it to him, but he shook his head and mumbled something that meant I should read it.
My Darlings,
These past few months have been wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.
Alice - thank you for showing me your unique way of life and showing me a new perspective of things. Thank you for reminding me the importance of having fun, and for bringing fun into my life. I hope that someday you let Bam and I into your terrible secrets, because I really do believe that we can help you. Thank you for letting me in as far as you have done, because I know that sharing secrets is difficult for you.
Bam - what can I say? I adore you, and always will. You’ve been amazing, sweetheart, and I’ll never forget all the things we’ve done together. I only hope that when I’m slaving away over paperwork, I’ll be able to picture that beautiful smile of yours as I’m picturing it now, and I’ll have a smile to match the one I’ve got as I’m writing this.
Both of you - I hope that someday soon we can return here together, and that we can listen to the oystercatchers together, just as we have done so many times, and I do hope that when we go on another adventure, we go to a beautiful cottage in the south of France, right next to a lake. I think you know the one I mean.
Feel free to drop by on your travels. I will be busy, but I promise I will make time for you, and it will be a welcome break, I promise you that. You will always be welcome wherever I am. I’ll give you my phone number, phone if you get the chance, but I realise that you will be quite busy sightseeing and things, and I wish you all the joy in the world.
A very thankful and lucky Finn,
~Ville.
~Ville~
On and on our travels went, and yes, we did enjoy ourselves. I think Bam must have told Alice of my confession about the record company, and the fact that I was now paying for the trip, because all of a sudden, Alice was paying for everything. I didn’t realise she knew, at first. She was very clever about it, as though Bam had made her promise not to tell me that she knew. It started off with simple things, drinks and meals, then hotel bills, on to travel costs, even sightseeing, because there were times when we did do the whole “tourist thing” as she liked to call it, but gradually it began to dawn on me what she was doing. I think after the second time I didn’t receive a bill for the hotel rooms I realised that someone else must be paying for it.
Bam, I later found out, also contributed to the expenses, but since Alice was in a steady receipt of money as part of her Grandfather’s “clever investments”, it was really she who paid for our travels. I think during those few more weeks Bam and I became closer than ever before. Bam also grew more confident, and we would make love more often, even when Alice was in the hotel room with us, perhaps having a “long lie”. I knew she liked to watch, Bam knew it, too, so we’d put on a great show about it, with lots of panting and unnecessary moaning and extra foreplay, then we’d come back to the bedroom to find Alice with a cheeky smile on her face. I remember once Bam announced loudly that “Alice is fast asleep, I bet we could fuck right beside her and she wouldn’t wake up.”
She did wake up.
He also started making love to her alone again. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this at first, because I knew it was happening whenever I went out, and so there was an almost disturbing sort of dirty secrecy to it, and on the second week of it, I finally told Bam that he didn’t have to sneak around anymore, and that he was more than welcome to make love to “our Alice” whenever he liked. And so it became a normal thing to walk into the room to find them going at it, and, unlike the first time, it wasn’t awkward or horrifying at all, it was… beautiful, to be honest.
I think it took me a little longer to adjust to the idea that Bam wouldn’t mind my making love to Alice without him. It hadn’t really crossed my mind, I had been too busy worrying about all those calls I kept ignoring, and what to do about the forthcoming promo tours and so on. Surely they couldn’t be cancelled.
It was on the fourth week that it finally crossed my mind.
Bam was sleeping, tired out after a long walk we’d had that day, because I think he’d eaten something that had made him extra hyper that morning. He’d been bouncing around like a hyperactive child on ecstasy, and doing the usual Bam-like things, running into walls for our amusement, and apparently his own. (I’ll never understand that.) Alice and I had rented out a movie and were watching it in the hotel room. We’d done this a few times before, when we were staying in the one place for a relatively large amount of time. I can’t even remember what the movie was, only that it had subtitles and I was having a hard time reading them, because the actors were speaking so fast, and I can’t read English as quickly as I can speak it.
We were sitting together on the large sofa, I’d placed my arm around Alice and was holding her close, yes I think it was a love story, maybe in French, but I’m not sure. I wasn’t particularly enjoying it, and neither, I think was Alice, but it was nice to be in one another’s company without Bam’s hyperactivity for a little while, and to be able to do something grown up. Don’t get me wrong, I love dear little Bam with all my heart, but he can’t sit still sometimes, especially through movies like that one.
She snuggled in closely, sighing a little at the romantic scenes and squeezing my hand. I loved that little pressure. I adored that moment. We did it so often, snuggling up close together, often with Bam, too, but I suppose this moment was special in its own way - it was just us. Kissing her forehead, I let her sit up slightly so that we were now sitting beside one another. It took a few moments for me to register that we were now level with each other, and that we were clinging to each other.
Even up close, her skin is so beautifully smooth, it seems almost unreal. I remember Bam said something similar about my own skin, but I’d never realised what he meant until I’d looked at smooth skin like hers. She was so soft and so seemingly fragile, and yet she was proud and had an inner strength that shone through her eyes. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again - she wasn’t a girl, she was a lady.
Her fingers cupped my cheek slightly as she ran her thumb over my cheekbone. I closed my eyes, letting that wonderful sensation seem all the stronger without the sense of sight to distract me from it, then her other hand was on my neck - gentle, firm, stroking lovingly… And her lips were on mine, her scent was filling my world and everything about her was mine, suddenly. We were kissing slowly, taking time to savour each sensation as it came to us, letting our hands move naturally, by instinct.
We were both experienced, we both knew what worked and what didn’t, but all I was really thinking about was her. Alice, and only Alice flooded my mind as our two worlds slid together, and I felt our bodies tilting gently as she cradled my face and neck in those delicate hands. Everything was smooth and seemingly effortless. It just came naturally, my hands were caressing the curves of her body, and my lips were moving now from hers to her cheek, her neck, seeking out the spots that made her gasp or laugh gently, and of course there was that accent which I couldn’t place, but I knew there was a trace of Italian in there somewhere, and it really came out then. It seemed that strong emotions brought it out in her, and I loved her all the more for it.
“Ville, my darling, my Ville…” she whispered, as I gently kissed her neck and she ran her fingers through my hair, “I was wondering when you would want this…”
“Want what, my dear?” I purred, playing with her and kissing her cheek, shifting my weight gently on top of her, knowing full well that she was strong, and I’ve been told I’m very light.
“Don’t be such a tease,” she whispered, and then gasped as I nibbled at her ear, “you know what I mean.”
So we were playing this game, were we?
“Want you, my darling Alice? Want you? I want you, alright. More than anything…”
“My beautiful Ville,” she sighed contentedly, “always charming.”
“Not always.”
“Oh, really?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
She laughed at that, but she did kiss me, and not as gently as before, either, she kissed me firmly, with purpose, as though proving a point, that she, too, could be less than charming when she wanted to. Then my hands were moving again, I hated these boundaries between us, so many layers, but I knew that I’d probably have to work to get these off. Alice could drive a man crazy with teasing if she wanted to.
She giggled as I fumbled with the tiny buttons of her shirt, they seemed to be designed simply for the purpose of slipping from between a man’s fingers whilst he was trying to unbutton them.
“Is there something wrong, my sweet?”
I fumbled some more, and managed to get one done, but the second one slipped and I had to fight not to roar in aggravation. She sighed, rolling her eyes, and helped me with the shirt, before removing my own.
“Better?” she asked.
“Much.” I replied, before launching into another set of kisses, setting them upon her neck, and then just above her breasts, as my arms snaked round to her back.
Is this woman trying to kill me? How the Hell does this bra work? I thought you were supposed to pinch them!
“Twist a little,” she whispered in a voice that barely managed to contain the tension.
“Aha!” I announced, because little triumphs like this do make me happy, I’m afraid.
Finally it was coming naturally again. We just seemed to flow together. The rest of the clothing was stripped easily and soon the kisses were becoming much more passionate, the caressing became harder, more urgent, and then my hands were running up and down her round, smooth thighs, savouring in the fact that she wasn’t skeletal, like so many women today, and that there was flesh to be played with and caressed. My hand slipped between her legs quickly and she gasped in surprise. I couldn’t hold back the smile that spread across my lips at this.
From there on, I didn’t need to think about anything. The timing was perfect, everything was perfect; her gorgeous body squirmed beneath me until we were moving together in a perfect rhythm, slowly, because I knew that she valued control, in many ways. She didn’t like to be controlled at all, and this was evident even when we were making love, but in other ways I knew that, deep down, part of her did want to be controlled, and a very primal part of me wanted to control that part, to master it, because that is really all we men want - control.
Even as I looked into her eyes, I saw it, the little girl behind them that just wanted to be led along, the part that was giving in to me now, as we clung to each other and moved together steadily, my own breath coming out now in gasps as she panted, that expression of almost painful pleasure on her face, as though she wanted to cry out, to give herself to me completely, but the proud part of her was forcing it back. All I wanted was for it to come out, that was all my world revolved around then. The pleasure would be ten times greater, ten times more magical, if she just let go…
And we were rocking faster, and I was pushing into her harder, trying to force that submissive part out, seeing how far I could push it. We were moaning. I think perhaps I started it, but soon we were moaning together, in perfect time, and I knew I wanted to call out, to let her know of my love for her, of how precious she was to me, how perfect this moment was, but I needed her to call out first - don’t ask me why. I just needed her to do it. Male pride, perhaps.
Then, finally, I couldn’t contain it any longer, moaning wasn’t enough, gasping wasn’t enough.
“Oh God, I love you…” she gasped, “I love you!”
“I love you, my Alice, my pretty Alice…”
“Beautiful Ville, perfect Ville, perfect… I love you…”
It was perfect, utterly perfect, but I had to hold on, I wanted her to give in, and she knew it, too. We were both playing this game, remember? The game of control.
“My Alice…”
I pushed harder and harder, faster and faster, willing for it to happen. On and on, pushing and heaving, aching for it, trying so hard not to come, but to keep pushing together as one being, locked against each other Calling out each other’s name, “I love you”s being exchanged. “Oh God”s… And finally, she did give in.
“I’m yours! Oh God, utterly, I’m yours!”
Then it was over. There came that moment of blinding pleasure when this feeling was my entire universe and nothing else existed, and then there was the fall, the sudden drop in energy, back to contentment. I hate how hurried these things seem afterwards. As I looked into her eyes, I saw devotion there, but I saw something else, too.
Fear.
I collapsed into her arms, both of us still breathing heavily as she gathered me into her arms and let me rest there, my head in her bosom, moving with the changing rhythm of her breathing, my arms around her, holding her close, and her arms gently cradling my head. I felt my eyes closing. I was in my safe place again, and I was content now, except for one nagging feeling.
Alice was afraid. Was she afraid of me, or was she afraid of what she’d said? Or both, perhaps? I hadn’t exactly forced her into submission, but we’d both been playing the game. We both knew the rules, but what did that really mean to her? Perhaps she had never lost the power game. In truth, I rarely win. Then again, there are few who play it that way, but we all play it, even if we don’t know it. We just have our own rules. Had I broken a rule? No, I’d done what had come naturally to me. Perhaps… perhaps she had only ever submitted to one other person, a person she was afraid of…
Perhaps she’d submitted to David.
That thought made me feel filthy. I hadn’t meant to remind her of him, I’d just wanted to love her. I’d been a controlling lover and I knew it. It was all about body language, but I’d known what I was doing.
I looked up at her, to find that she was watching me with a dreamy expression on her face, her fingers playing with my hair absently. I kissed her perfect skin and she seemed to awake from her thoughts, whatever they were, to sigh and pull me closer.
“I love you, you know,” I whispered, “and I’d never, ever hurt you, you know that. I’d rather die first.”
She didn’t reply.
“I want to help you,” I continued, “I know you still think about him. You’re thinking about him now. You were afraid.”
She stopped mid-breath and her eyes widened slightly. I’d hit a nerve, which meant I had been correct.
“You were, weren’t you? You’re afraid that I’ll try and control you because you said that, even though you meant it only in love. I could see it in your eyes.”
“Ville, I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything if you don’t want to, but don’t be afraid of me, please. I’m not like him, I promise. I want you to be happy, that’s all. Nothing else.”
She sighed as I crawled a little higher and snuggled into her arms, before resuming her stroking of my hair. The effect was calming, and also made me feel a little sleepy.
“You’re a strange one, Ville. You and Bam both. I’ve never met anyone like you. Most men I’ve known, only really want a few things, the same things every time. Typical things, made worthless by cheap lust, but you, you make everything magical again. You make it feel like every time is the first time, but just then, I don’t know… I felt attached to you, I felt that I owed something to you, something massive, as though I owed everything to you, and it wasn’t even that which scared me…”
“What scared you? Let me help you, Alice.”
“I wanted to be yours, and I felt like yours… and I enjoyed it.”
Another moment passed in which many thoughts went through my head. First of all, I was… honoured that she felt that way, honestly. Secondly, I tried to understand what she was going through, tried to see things from her perspective, her fears and guilty pleasures. To belong to someone… I remembered that primal instinct to dominate that had risen within me like a great beast rising out of the darkness, and wondered what it would be like to be at the other end of that, to want to belong… Yes, I did know that feeling. Sometimes I would wish that Bam was more dominant. Sometimes, I would secretly lust for him to control me, just for a while, but I don’t think he was that kind of person.
“There’s nothing wrong in that.” I whispered.
She laughed, “You would say that, you’re a man.”
“No, I mean it, I understand. I’ve felt the same way.”
“You have?”
“Yes, and it’s okay no to be in control sometimes, you know. We’re not all like him, there are some who generally care for no reason other than that they love you, like Bam and I. We don’t want anything from you other than for you to be yourself, exciting Alice, fun Alice, classy Alice, intelligent Alice.”
“And if I wanted to change?”
“Then change! No one will hold you back! We want you to be happy, that’s all.”
She laughed, “You’re almost too good to be true! Do you have any flaws at all?”
I paused, as though trying in great difficulty to find a flaw.
“No, I don’t think I do have any flaws.” I said.
“My perfect Ville, is that it?
“Oh yes, absolutely perfect.”
“Perfect Ville who seems to always forget to tidy up?”
“Er…”
“Perfect Ville who drinks himself to sleep many a night?”
“Well…”
“Perfect Ville who-”
“Alright, alright… I was only joking.”
She giggled and pressed her lips to my forehead. Just then, Bam entered the room, yawning widely.
“Dude, do not let me eat those ever aga- Oh…” he said, spotting a naked Alice and I on the sofa.
“Umm…”
“Morning, sleepy,” Alice said, smiling at Bam.
A slow grin spread across his face as my own went bright red. I don’t know why, but I found this entire situation quite embarrassing. I mean, it wasn’t as if Bam hadn’t seen me naked before, he’d just never been fully clothed when it happened.
“Good film?” he said, sniggering.
“Abysmal.” Alice commented, “Well, from what I can remember.”
Finally I sat up, unable to just keep lying across Alice while Bam was watching. We huddled together, Alice finally becoming slightly more self-conscious as Bam approached the sofa, still wearing a massive grin. He sat down beside me as though it was perfectly normal for him to be clothed while his friends were naked. I have to say, the staring at my… er… anatomy, seemed a little inappropriate.
“Cold?” he asked.
“A bit.” I replied.
“Hmm…” he said, before yawning a little and making the most adorable little stretch with his arms.
“Still tired?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Come on, I think it’s time for bed, kids.” I said, standing up. I couldn’t help but notice Bam checking out my “posterior” (I love that word, I seem to remember someone saying it to me) as I did this.
“Bam, stick your eyes back in your head, you’ve seen it before. Come on, bed.” I commanded, and I was promptly obeyed, “Alice, are you coming?”
She nodded and followed silently. It was only afterwards, as both she and Bam curled up close, resting their heads on my chest, Bam heaving a contented sigh, that I realised that that was the first time she’d ever obeyed a more or less direct command without making a sarcastic remark or being stubborn, just for sheer stubbornness’ sake. Something had changed in her, but had I helped her at all?
That night, as we curled up together in the cool dark of the hotel room, she whimpered in her sleep again. It actually woke Bam up, this time, and I had the most overwhelming protective urge for both of them, but what could I do? It was only a dream, and if I woke her up, she would soon be asleep and dreaming again. No, this was the sort of dream that ran deeper, a dream made of memories, bad memories.
As Bam gazed up at me from where his head was resting on my chest so perfectly, the fearful look in his eye told me that he understood, and was as afraid for Alice as I was. He reached out for her silently, hesitantly, but determinedly (something so adorable, I actually felt tears come to my eyes) and stroked her face, as I placed a butterfly kiss on her frowning face which relaxed straight away, and the whimpers grew steadily more quiet as we kissed and stroked her gently, sending her back into the land of contented sleep, away from those horrible dreams. Our Alice.
I turned to see Bam looking up at me in the dark, those eyes displaying an unusual fear. It was so unlike Bam, to be worried or afraid, but there he was, and he wasn’t afraid for Alice now, because he was looking directly at me.
“What’s wrong, Bam?” I whispered.
“They phoned again. I switched your phone off, but I had to tell you.”
“Who was it?”
“Migé, the rest of the band, Seppo, too. I think they’re getting worried.”
“I’ll call them.”
“Do you have to?”
“Yes.”
He seemed to understand.
“Don’t worry about it too much, sweetheart, I’ll sort something out.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
He tilted his head upwards and I placed a quick, affectionate kiss on his lips, and then another.
“Night, Vil’.”
“Night, Bam.”
~~~~
The birdsong reminded me of the oystercatchers, those beautiful little birds. I’ve never seen anything like them. They’re not like other birds; they aren’t beautiful or particularly strong. Their song isn’t a melody, it’s a call, but it’s a haunting call that brings images of waves crashing against rocks and tiny little black and white birds with long, orange beaks huddled together against the wind. It’s a call that carries a message, a deep and meaningful and seemingly desperate message that only other oystercatchers seem to understand. They’re tough little things - free things, they can fly wherever they want, whenever they want. They travel inland, sometimes, but just like me, they love the sea, and not the warm, calm, almost dull waters of say, the Mediterranean, but the icy, roaring waves of the North, of Northern Scotland, of Ireland, of Scandinavia. Those kind of seas.
Oh, that I were an oystercatcher.
I glanced out of the window, but the mist covered the sleepy, sea-side town. We had returned here one last time, so that I could hear the oystercatchers. I hadn’t heard them yet, just the other sea-birds. I think that’s when I realised that I couldn’t keep going on this way any longer. It was sad, really, but that’s life.
A few more things, and I would be ready. I put the pen to the pad on the windowsill, took one last look at the sea, and began to write…
~Bam~
Those fucking birds. How could Ville love them so much? They’re so damn noisy!
I frowned and let my eyes slide open, silently cursing the oystercatchers. I’d never heard them so loud, so close, but I didn’t care. I wanted sleep, dammit! Finally the room came into focus, and I saw something that made my heart sink.
He was smiling. The pen was still sitting against the paper, but he wasn’t writing anymore. He was looking out the window, where that goddamn racket was coming from. He had this weird expression on his face, and I realised that there were tears on his cheeks, even as he was smiling. I knew what he was going to do, and suddenly there were tears in my eyes, too.
~Ville~
“Don’t leave.”
I jumped as I heard that little, sleepy, pleading voice call to me. I’d been so caught up in my thoughts of him, I hadn’t even read over my note, but it was too late for that. I turned to see a sleeping Alice and beside her, a pair of teary blue eyes gazing up at me with the most imploring look.
“I have to.” I whispered, but the voice wasn’t my own. It was raspy and metallic. You could hear the tears in it, even if my sobs were silent.
He didn’t say anything, but a tear trickled down his cheek as he sat up, looking miserable. His silence was worse than words.
“I have to, baby.” I repeated, crossing the room after placing the pen on top of the pad on the windowsill.
He looked away, and I felt so guilty… But it wasn’t my fault! I had to leave! That’s the way things were. It’s not like I’d never see him again!
“You can come with me, you know.” I said, desperately.
“It’s not like that, Ville. You know it isn’t. Alice can’t, she just can’t stay with us.” He turned back to me, “I’d love to, seriously, I would, but Alice is scared. She won’t admit it properly, but I know she is.”
I nodded, “We have to help her. She can’t go on like this.”
“I know.”
“But for now, I have to leave.”
“Right now?”
“Yes.”
He sighed, wiping his face and standing up. He looked at me for a moment, head tilted to one side, before I stepped forward and gathered him into my arms, then he clung to me, and I knew that he was breathing in my scent. I was doing it, too. It’s just one of those things… it sounds strange, but smells can bring back more memories than any image can, and I wanted to remember him while I was away working. I wanted to have a piece of him with me, in a way, even while I had to sort out all that boring, legal business. They say that normality is what you make it, but paperwork and loneliness had never been part of my dream.
“Can’t you stay a little longer?” he asked, kissing my neck a little as he said it.
“I really have to go.” I replied, but he was kissing slightly harder now. I knew what he was doing, of course, trying to distract me, and it was working.
“Well… maybe just a little bit longer…”
We ended up making love on the sofa as Alice slept, and then we went out to stand in the morning sunlight, holding hands for the last time, and listening to the birds together.
“I love you.” He said finally, as we sat outside an old little seaside hotel, watching everything, but only really seeing each other.
“I love you too.”
“I mean it, I love you more than anything. You’ve taught me so much lately. I never knew I could love… a man, the way I love you. You’ve been there for me and Alice… I don’t know what we’ll do without you.”
“Look after each other.” I told him, “Maybe you can come visit me?”
He nodded, “We will, I’ll make sure of it.”
“And maybe you can find out what it really is that makes her so scared.”
He smiled, “And then we can help her, and live together, all of us, forever!”
I nodded, “Forever.”
We sat for a moment, just gazing at each other, when our perfect moment was shattered by the sound of a car horn around the corner. My taxi for the airport had arrived.
“It’s time for me to go.” I said finally, “Look after her.”
He bit his lip and nodded as he watched me stand and pick up my suitcase. I turned to walk away, when he grabbed me and pulled me into possibly the roughest and most desperate and passionate kiss I’ve ever experienced. We both pulled back, breathless and flushed, as passers-by gave us odd looks.
“Bye.” He said.
“Bye.” I replied.
He watched me go. He just stood there, watching the taxi pull away, and our eyes never left each other, even as he got smaller and smaller, just a little figure on a cobbled street by the sea, our eyes never left each other. He grew more and more distant, and then, finally, he was gone.
~Alice~
Bam was crying when he got back, and I didn’t need to ask him to know what had happened. I simply gathered him into my arms and we cried together for a while. Neither of us felt silly about crying, despite the fact that Ville wasn’t gone forever. It was just one of those moments, and besides, I wasn’t crying because he’d physically left, I was crying because our Ville really had gone, back to his cage. He was trapped. We had lost him… or at least, that’s how it seemed to me.
Bam sniffed and pointed to a pad of paper sitting on the windowsill. I picked it up and offered it to him, but he shook his head and mumbled something that meant I should read it.
My Darlings,
These past few months have been wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.
Alice - thank you for showing me your unique way of life and showing me a new perspective of things. Thank you for reminding me the importance of having fun, and for bringing fun into my life. I hope that someday you let Bam and I into your terrible secrets, because I really do believe that we can help you. Thank you for letting me in as far as you have done, because I know that sharing secrets is difficult for you.
Bam - what can I say? I adore you, and always will. You’ve been amazing, sweetheart, and I’ll never forget all the things we’ve done together. I only hope that when I’m slaving away over paperwork, I’ll be able to picture that beautiful smile of yours as I’m picturing it now, and I’ll have a smile to match the one I’ve got as I’m writing this.
Both of you - I hope that someday soon we can return here together, and that we can listen to the oystercatchers together, just as we have done so many times, and I do hope that when we go on another adventure, we go to a beautiful cottage in the south of France, right next to a lake. I think you know the one I mean.
Feel free to drop by on your travels. I will be busy, but I promise I will make time for you, and it will be a welcome break, I promise you that. You will always be welcome wherever I am. I’ll give you my phone number, phone if you get the chance, but I realise that you will be quite busy sightseeing and things, and I wish you all the joy in the world.
A very thankful and lucky Finn,
~Ville.