(no subject)

[mel_b666]

~Ville~

Alright Ville, what’s going on?

I rounded the corner and stormed down the next street, dragging at the cigarette as though I only had minutes left to live. The glowing neon sign of the off-licence at the end of the street caught my attention for a moment, but it did nothing to brighten my mood.

I know what’s going on, I just can’t admit it to myself. This is pathetic. She’s with him, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and lets face it, they’re fucking perfect together. So perfect it’s painful.

Fucking smug couples…

But it’s not that, is it? It’s the fact that they’re together, both of them. The two people that, right now, are on your mind more than anything else at the moment. Alice, because she’s well… you’ve never met a woman like her and Bam because… well… he’s your best friend and…

There it was again, that feeling in my stomach. Something was very, very wrong.

But it can’t be… I’m not like that. Alice is beautiful, it must just be that, but no… because the thought of her hurting Bam makes me very, very angry, protective, almost. It’s as though I’m not jealous of Bam, instead I’m jealous of…

“Can I help you?” the shopkeeper demanded.

I’d walked straight into the off-licence without realising it. I shrugged moodily at his question and glanced around the shop, before deciding on larger bottles, which would be easier to carry more of in a bag.

“No, you can’t help me,” I replied, putting all the alcohol I wanted to purchase for that night on the counter in front of him, “but maybe this stuff can.”
He nodded. He probably got a lot of this sort of thing.
“Did she ditch you?”
“What?” I replied.
“Did she ditch you?” he repeated, “Or did she cheat on you?”
I laughed, “Neither. She’s going out with my best friend.”
“Ah.”
“And she’s perfect, but they’re perfect together, and I’m just an outsider who shouldn’t really be there, but I can’t leave. I’m stuck in the middle.”
“You’ll be needing this, then,” he said, placing a bottle of Jack D. on the counter.
“You’re a lifesaver.” I don’t know whether I was talking to the man or the bottle, perhaps both.
“Have a nice er… night.” he called after me, after I’d paid.

Clutching the large brown bag in my arms like a protective parent carries a small child, I wandered back down the street, not really sure of where I was going. The bag clinked gently, reassuringly, with each step I took. Now this was something I was familiar with, a ridiculous amount of alcohol. That was something I could relate to.

I wandered on, only vaguely aware of my surroundings and trying my best not to think about Bam and Alice. Of course, when you try not to think about something, you know that the first thing you’re going to think about is the thing you were trying not to think about in the first place, and so I found myself wondering whether he had gone back to her place.

Of course he has, I thought to myself, he’s human, and she’s beautiful. She looked like she wanted it anyway. Oh well, I guess it’s drinks for one tonight.

Without realising it, I had made my way to the hotel, and was now standing right outside the doors. I wondered if they would let me through the reception with this much alcohol, but then I remembered that you used your key to get in at this time of night, and so there wouldn’t be any checks.

The empty reception was odd, in a slightly scary way. I guess I just watch far too many horror movies. I decided against the stairs, even though I’m not a particular fan of lifts. For some reason I felt exhausted, even though the bag wasn’t too heavy and I really hadn’t been walking that long. Worrying can be very tiring.

Finally, I reached my floor and heaved a sigh as I reached my room. It still brought a smile to my face whenever I saw the number. Yes, I know, it’s sad and tacky, but call me old-fashioned if you will, because I love it.

666

The key was actually a little card. This hotel was the richest and most expensive in Helsinki, but the record company had actually paid for my room, after there had been a few words about “health and safety” in my “working conditions”, namely the fact that I had almost had several asthma attacks whilst working on the latest album, thanks to the dogs that seemed to live around the recording studio. The bigwigs in the company had been so embarrassed about the whole thing that they’d given me a huge holiday and had paid for ever aspect of my accommodation. I’d decided to take advantage of this by booking the most expensive room in the most expensive hotel in the city. I’m not as stupid as I look, you know.

The door clicked open, and I retrieved the key card before stooping down and picking up the bag o’ booze. Tonight was going to be just like any other night I’d spent during the recording process. I’d be spending it alone, with a massive pile of alcohol and perhaps some adult movies if I got too bored. I wondered if those would be paid for as well by the record company.

The bag clinked again as I stepped into the dark of the room and paused. This room wasn’t so much a room as a mini-apartment. There was a living room, as well as an extremely large bedroom and an enormous bathroom. I was standing in the living room, but I had only just noticed a soft light coming from the bedroom, and I was sure I hadn’t left it on before I’d left. Had Bam decided to stay here? Had Alice changed her mind and decided to take things slowly with Bam? Maybe he’d decided that he’d rather spend the night getting drunk with his best friend… Ha, that one made me smile.

There was a soft noise coming from the bedroom, which I supposed would be Bam’s snoring.

You’d better not have fallen asleep on my bed, boy.

Not wanting to wake him, I tiptoed across the living area towards the bedroom door, and peered around it, expecting to see him draped across the bed, snoring softly, but that wasn’t what I saw. No, that wasn’t what I saw at all.

I froze like a rabbit caught in headlights.

No, no, no, no, NO!

I couldn’t move! I didn’t know what to do! How could this happen? Why here? Why now?

Alice lay in my bed, and she was smiling, with a look of utter pleasure on her face. She was breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling, I think she was saying something with each gasp, but I couldn’t make it out, I didn’t want to. I wanted to move, I had to, I was intruding on something private, but I could feel my body reacting to her, I am a man after all. I was transfixed, then suddenly, the sheet stirred and she stopped breathing as heavily. Bam’s head appeared beside her, wearing a mischievous grin. They still hadn’t spotted me, and I couldn’t move. I felt my eyes prickle with tears and blinked them away.

No! I have to get away! I have to leave… but I can’t… this is too close, in my own bed! No… this isn’t right!

She was kissing him now, and the covers were slipping away. He was kissing her passionately, and she was letting him. She was letting him! His hands ran all over her beautifully tanned flesh, covering every inch of her body and making her gasp and moan with delight. I’d never known Bam to be so gentle before, but here he was, kissing her delicately but passionately at the same time, stroking her skin lovingly as though he knew that she was something to be cherished.

I don’t know why, but I had always imagined Bam to be a rougher lover, perhaps even clumsy, but this was anything but clumsy. Each move he made was calculated to perfection, and he moved gracefully, exploring her body gently but firmly and with a confidence that surprised me.

Then he was kissing her neck. That little part of her neck I loved so much. He was kissing it, pressing his lips to it and sucking it gently, teasing at it with his teeth, but only just. She tilted her head back, giving him more room and he took it, carefully manoeuvring his beautifully toned body so that it was on top of hers, and both were gasping now, she was calling his name, and I had to get away, I had to!

Wait… did I just say his body was “beautifully toned”? I did! But… it is… he’s… beautiful. They’re both so beautiful and… I’m in love. I’m in love with them, both of them. Oh my God…

This was it, he was fully on top of her now and their bodies were pressed against each other, just then, she looked up, and her eyes landed on the doorway, and the person standing in it with a look of mixed horror and surprise on his face - me. Her eyes met mine and both of us were about to say something when Bam thrust into her unexpectedly, causing her to gasp and moan in delight. My legs were starting to get their feeling back as Bam thrust into her again and the shock was wearing off, slowly being replaced by a guilty pleasure, a secret lust. This image was so perfect, but she had seen me, and I had to leave.

Their sweating bodies heaved together once again as I felt my knees give way and I dropped the bag I had been clutching so tightly that my knuckles had been white up until then. She had seen me, I could move, I had to leave!

I turned from that room and ran. I just ran. I didn’t care what happened, I just ran. I had to get away from there, and I did. I ran and ran and ran. I ran back out into the corridor, down the stairs and kept running, on and on and on, into the street, and then I ran some more until my limbs ached and my lungs were on fire. Then I ran some more, fighting back the tears that had been threatening to come.

~Bam~

Shit!

I hadn’t been able to stop, I’d been too far gone, and so I’d kept going, but it all felt wrong to me, as much as I loved this gorgeous creature beneath me, I had to find him, and as soon as it was over, I knew I had to go. She knew it, too.

“Oh God.” she whispered, “What have we done? Your friend…”
“I know.” I said, “I have to find him.”
She shook her head, “The city is too big, you’ll never find him.”

I collapsed beside her and she pulled me close, letting me bury my head into her soft neck and hide there. I loved the feeling of those arms around me, clinging to me, I loved every part of her, this had been the best experience of my life and yet…

“I’ve ruined it.” I moaned, “I’m so sorry, I’ve ruined it all.”
“Shh,” she said softly, “it’s okay. It was just a bit of a mix-up, that’s all.”

I loved her. I knew it. I loved her more than I’d ever loved anything. We’d only known each other for a few hours and I knew it already. She was older than me, but I didn’t care, I didn’t care that she was in a different class from me altogether. The slight lines around her eyes just made her more beautiful to me. I loved her, completely. She had me in her spell, but at what cost?

“He’s gone.” I whispered, “I can’t believe it. He’s my best friend and I betrayed him.”
“How did you betray him?” she replied, “You did what any man would do.”
“In his bed!” I moaned.

She kissed my forehead and pulled me closer. She would make it all better, that’s what her embrace told me, and she had the magic powers to make it all better. I would be safe here, for ever and ever. I was hers, and she would be my sanctuary.

“Bam, this has all happened so fast, I’ve never done anything like this before, but please know that we didn’t do anything wrong, nothing I’ll regret anyway.”
I looked up at her, “You don’t regret this?”
“No, not at all. You’re not like any other man I’ve been with, you have so much energy, you’re not like all the others who just want me to settle down and be their little caged bird, you fly with me.”
“I love you.” I said. It just slipped out of my mouth, I didn’t even know I was going to say anything.

She pulled my head up and pressed her lips to mine and within an instant we were kissing again, just as passionately and as desperately as we had a few minutes ago. We clung to each other and I knew that fate had brought us together, it had to. She was so perfect!

But what about Ville?
What about him? He’s jealous, that’s all.
Still…

Alice’s words came back to me from earlier that night: “It must be quite a lonely job, really.”

What have I done?

~Ville~

I hadn’t even caught my breath and already I was sobbing. I was sitting on a park bench in the middle of God-knows-where, with my head buried in my hands, crying my eyes out. Everything was awful! The night had started off so well, how could it have gone so horribly wrong? What was wrong with me? Why did I feel this way?

Another sob shook through me, but I wasn’t fighting it anymore. How many years had it been since I’d cried, and yet I was crying now, pathetically, but uncontrollably. I could feel my eyeliner run, but I didn’t care, because all I could see were images of their perfect bodies twisted together, heaving and sweating and moaning and gasping…

In my bed. In my own goddamn bed! He could have taken her anywhere, but in my own bed! Well, the bed I was supposedly sleeping in, anyway. No, I couldn’t sleep there, not now, not after what I’d seen. I was having trouble enough trying to block the images out, even here. I couldn’t go back there, but where could I go? I’d left all the alcohol there, too.

It was times like this I’d normally turn to Bam for advice and support. His endless energy would always lift my spirits somehow, but now there was no one to turn to. I was alone in my misery and confusion. What was going on? Why did I feel like this? Those questions went through my head thousands of times, but didn’t receive an answer. I was utterly lost.

So, where do I go now? Where can I go? Maybe they’ll have left the room and I can go back. No, I can’t go back and besides, what if they haven’t left? What do I do then? What other choices to I have?

Just then, a shrill noise made me jump and I realised that it was coming from my trousers. I reached into my pocket and retrieved my mobile phone, which was ringing loudly enough to wake up all of Finland, or at least it felt like it. The caller ID was unknown, and I got a horrible feeling that I knew who it would be.

“H-hello?”
“Ville! Ville, it’s me! Oh God, Ville, I’m so sorry!” It was Bam.
I sighed, “Bam, I can’t do this, I just can’t, please don’t try - ”
“No, listen to me, I’m so sorry! I swear, I didn’t think things out properly. We’re both really sorry.”
“You mean she’s still there?” I asked, and I could feel the anger building now. I couldn’t be angry with Bam, but I could be angry with Alice.
“Uh… yeah.”
“And is she wearing any clothes, dear Bam?”
“Ville I don’t know what that’s got to do with - ”
“Are you still in my bed, by any chance?”
“Now, just listen a sec - ”
“I bet you’re nice and cosy, aren’t you?”
“Ville, will you listen to yourself! God, anyone would think you were jealous!”

Jealous… yes, I am.

“Bam, I don’t care what I sound like!” I lied, “You fucked her in my bed! What am I supposed to sound like?”
“Jeez, will you relax for a minute? Look, I’m really sorry, but you scared me there and I just needed to know that you were okay because…”
“Because what, Bam?”
“Because I care about you, is all.”

I took a deep breath.

“Ville, are you still there? Look, I’m sorry man.”
“You care about me?” I said quietly.
“Of course I do! You’re my best friend!”
“Then why did you fuck her in my bed?”
“What? Ville we do crazy shit like that all the time! What’s the problem with this?”

I thought it over. What was the problem? Hadn’t I almost caught Jenn giving Bam a blow-job once? What was so different about now? He was right, we did stuff like this all the time, especially when we were drunk.

But that was it, he hadn’t been drunk. I had forgiven him all those other times because he had been drunk and the girls he had been with had just been, well, random sluts he’d been too drunk to turn away, or just another random girlfriend. This was different because this was a woman, and both of them had been very, very sober. It had almost felt like he was cheating on me, in a way.

“I…” I said, unsure of how to reply, “I don’t know… I think I just… freaked out…”
“It’s okay, but please, come back, please? I’m really worried about you, and I’m so sorry.”
“Will Alice be there?”
“No, not if you don’t want her to be.”
I thought it over.
“Alright.” I said, “But no Alice. Just you and me.”
“Just you and me.” he agreed.

“You look like shit.” was the welcome I got when I finally reached my room.

I didn’t reply, instead, I stepped inside and let Bam shut the door behind me. I knew my eyeliner had probably streaked down my face, giving away the fact that I had been crying, but there was nothing I could have done about that.

“Bam, I…” I said quietly, but I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t even look at him, even though he was fully dressed.

He cut me off by pulling me into a hug and squeezing me tightly. It was a good hug, I’ll give him that, but I still couldn’t rid myself of the images of what I’d seen, and I had to push him away. He looked hurt, but again, there was nothing I could do about that.

“Ville, what’s wrong? Have you been crying? Why won’t you let me hug you?”

I turned away and collapsed on the sofa. Could I deal with this right now? Looks like I didn’t have a choice.

“Ville…” he repeated, taking a seat beside me, “Look at me.”
I couldn’t, and so he put his hand to my cheek and turned my head, just as another tear fell from my eye.
“Please tell me what’s wrong.” he begged, “I hate seeing that I’ve done this to you.”
“I… I can’t deal with this, Bam. I don’t know what’s so different about this time, I just can’t.”

His face was so caring and full of concern, I’d never seen it like this before. I was seeing a whole new side to Bam entirely. I could feel him searching my eyes for the true source of my sadness, but what he didn’t realise was that it was sitting right in front of me. I’d come to realise so many things in the space of a few hours, things I could never tell him. I had come to realise my true feelings for him.

“What can’t you deal with?” he asked.
“This, all of it.” I said, gesturing hopelessly, “I don’t know, I don’t know what’s going on, Bam. I just… I saw you two together and… something happened.”
“What?”
“I don’t know.” I said, turning away from him.
“Don’t do this, Ville, don’t shut me out. Please, I have to know. I don’t want this to affect our friendship. We’ve had such a great friendship.”
“We have,” I agreed, “but this has affected it, I think.”

I have to tell him. It’s too late now, I just have to tell him.

No, I can’t. I don’t even know what’s going on properly, myself.

I can feel him sitting so close to me, I can feel his fingers brushing away my tears. God, I hate Alice for this. Why does she have to be so beautiful? I want him for my own. I want to be his, but I’m not beautiful like her. He wants me only as a friend, but I can’t settle for that anymore, not after what I’ve seen tonight.

“Why this?” Bam asked, “Jenn didn’t affect it, remember? What’s so different?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do know, Ville! I can see it when you turn away from me! Are you in love… with Alice?”
“I don’t know.”
“Stop saying that! You do know!”
“I don’t think I’m in love with Alice. She’s yours.”
“Then what is it? What has changed?”
“I don’t want her to hurt you, Bam.” I said, but my voice went all strange and croaky.
“That’s not it. You’re lying. You’ve always been a shitty liar. You don’t care about that.”
“I do!” I said, looking up at him, “I do care about that! I care about how you feel! I care about you a lot- ” I stopped. I’d said too much. He would figure it out.

He watched me carefully for a few moments, an expression of mistrust on his face.

“How much do you care about me?” he asked suspiciously.
“A lot?” I repeated.
“How much is a lot? Ville… have your feelings about me… changed?”