my return...maybe
Hey darlings! I know I've been gone from the Vam (and writing) world for a while now, but I uncovered this piece on my computer while cleaning out files, and I know I never posted it. So I edited it a bit, and decided to post.
Title: You’re An Idiot, But I Love You [Oneshot]
Author: heartagramrose
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst, self-harm, character death, suicide, & coarse language. I will raise the rating upon request.
Summary: “Ville…you need help,” said Jesse. Ville ignored him and took another drag of his cigarette. “So?”
Disclaimer: DK DO NH (so don't sue please!)
Notes: I’ve been away from writing for a long time, and inspiration for "Insomnia" still lies dormant. This piece isn’t even remotely new - I found it lying dormant in my computer files. It was originally meant to be the beginning of a chaptered story, but I don’t feel like writing a Ville-gets-help story (there’s already a number of them floating around in the archives - I’ve read them), so I’ll be leaving it as a oneshot. It works well enough, I think. This was written over a year ago, and somehow never got posted.
Feedback is adored :)
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Ville yawned and glanced up at the dark Helsinki sky. He was sitting on the balcony outside his bedroom in his apartment, in a chair he had carried from the kitchen table. A combination of the light from the moon and an outdoor light on the brick wall, pale and faint as they both were, lit the page of his notebook. It was the middle of the night, but he hadn’t been able to sleep. This wasn’t anything new, though. He had given up on sleep sometime an hour ago, which had been just after two in the morning.
Deciding to try and get some sleep again, Ville walked back inside and placed his notebook and pen on the table beside his bed. He made sure the balcony door was locked, and drew the curtains closed in front of it, making the room all but pitch black. Not bothering to remove the shirt he had thrown on earlier, Ville climbed into bed and pulled the sheets over him.
Ville wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep - the last thing he remembered was staring up at the ceiling above his bed for an unknown length of time. It felt like only a minute or two had passed between he had closed his eyes to his dark room, and opened them again to find that it was just before noon. The faintest rays of sun greeted him, streaming through the black curtains, but Ville made no move to get up.
The bed felt painfully empty. It had been months since Bam had occupied the other half of the bed; months since Bam had…died. A tear escaped Ville’s eye as he thought of Bam: his Bam, whose scent Ville could still faintly smell, radiating from Bam’s side of the bed, and even the scarf that Bam had left on the bedside table.
The room hadn’t changed since Bam died; Ville hadn’t been able to bring himself to pack away, or even move any of his love’s things.
Slowly; lethargic and as if moving in a dream that he had been in for so long, Ville got out of bed and changed, before going to stand out on the balcony again.
He had taken to a new hobby ever since Bam had been gone (Ville avoided even thinking about Bam’s suicide as much as he could), of standing or sitting on his balcony and watching the cobblestone street below for what would surely never come: Bam’s return. It was the only thing that kept him going, really; it was the hope that maybe - just maybe - Bam would suddenly come walking down the street and call up to him, saying that the hospital had made a mistake in what they told him, and he had just been discharged, and everything would be okay. Then they could be together, forever, just like Bam said they would be when he agreed to marry Ville, right on this balcony.
“Bam, will you marry me?”
Bam’s lips parted in surprise. His blue eyes went wide, and his face slowly darkened into a number of shades of red.
When he didn’t receive an answer after a couple minutes, Ville slowly started to rise from where he knelt on the cold stone of the balcony, his eyes cast down, embarrassed beyond belief.
“I-I’m sorry,” he said quietly, stumbling over his words, feeling truly horrible for asking.
“Ville,” Bam said, just as quiet.
“I’m gonna go back inside. Cold, you know.”
“Ville.”
“Do you want some coffee? I’ll put a pot on,” Ville continued to ramble.
“Ville!” Bam yelled this time, finally succeeding in making the Ville look up. He smiled. “Yes.”
Ville’s eyes opened wide. “W-what?”
Bam laughed and moved closer to Ville until Ville could feel the younger man’s breath on his face. “Yes, I’ll marry you. So stop acting like an idiot would you? That’s my job.”
Ville’s face lit up and he attacked Bam’s lips with a passionate kiss. When their lips left each others, Ville pouted.
“I am not an idiot,” he said stubbornly.
Bam laughed. “No, you’re a n’idiot.”
Ville grinned. “Yes, but I’m your n’idiot.”
Bam nodded. “Damn right. You’re my n’idiot fiancé.”
Ville’s heart fluttered at that. “Fiance…”he whispered, hardly able to believe it.
Again, Bam laughed softly, and the sound was the most beautiful one in the world to Ville. “That is what happens when you ask someone to marry you, Ville,” he smiled. “N’idiot.”
Ville blushed and pouted.
“You know,” said Bam, “if you keep pouting like that, we’re not going to make it to Mige’s party on time.”
“And why is that?” Ville asked, pouting again.
“This,” said Bam, capturing Ville’s lips with his own and backing him up against the wall.
Ville leaned against that same wall and let the back of his head rest against the brick.
“Bam,” he whispered. “You’re really not coming back, are you?”
“Finally realized it, did you?” said a voice from the doorway. Ville turned towards the voice, startled.
“Jesse, what…what are you doing here?”
Jesse frowned. “I have been worried about you. And it is Bam’s birthday today, isn’t it? I do not want you to stay alone in your dark little room all day.”
Ville moved towards the railing and leant against it, staring down at the street below. His brother walked over to stand beside him and put a caring hand on his shoulder. He sighed at the look on his brother’s face that clearly said Ville didn’t believe him.
“Fine. Äiti asked me to check up on you. And Isä wants me to stay with you until things...get better.”
Ville frowned and reached into the pocket of the jeans he had been wearing for the past few days, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He stuck one in his mouth and lit it before putting the pack and lighter back into his pocket. He heard Jesse gasp softly beside him.
”Ville,” he whispered, worry evident in his voice.
Jesse grabbed Ville’s arm as it was withdrawn from his brother’s pocket. Ville’s eyes went wide, but before he could do anything, his brother had turned his right arm palm-up, revealing barely-healed scars that spelled out Bam’s name crudely on his pale skin.
Ville clutched his arm back too his body too late, and a tear escaped his eye at the heart-breaking look on his brother’s face. It was a familiar look that had covered his face, too, once.
Ville closed the door to his and Bam’s apartment behind him. Bam had moved in a month ago, after deciding he would much rather be with Ville than deal with the mess that was currently the CKY crew. It was the middle of the night and Ville had thought it would be best to come home rather than spend the night in a hotel.
He and Bam had gotten into a huge fight and Ville had said things that he knew he shouldn’t have. Ville had stormed off to cool down and give his boyfriend time to do the same without Bam having to wander around Helsinki alone.
“Bam!” he called as he hung up his coat. “Bam, I’m home! Are you still mad at me?”
Still there was no answer. It wasn’t like Bam to completely ignore him no matter how angry the skater was, and Bam’s coat and skate shoes were still by the door, so he was still in the apartment.
As he began to walk through the apartment in search of the American, Ville spotted light coming from under the bathroom door.
“Bam, are you in there?” Ville called, knocking on the door. He got no answer, and sighed.
“I’m coming in, Bam, so this is your last chance to answer me,” he said while turning the doorknob.
It was unlocked, so Ville pushed it open slowly. Something wasn’t right, he thought to himself. And he was right. The moment he stepped into the room, the first thing Ville saw was red. Blood red.
Bam was slumped against the wall, a small pool of blood spread out mostly to the left of him.
“Bam!” Ville yelled, kneeling down beside him and trying to shake him in the hope that Bam would open his eyes. After a while, Bam’s eyes slowly opened to meet Ville’s tear-filled ones.
Ville had given Bam the same look that he was getting from Jesse now.
“Ville,” his brother said quietly. “You…you need to get help.”
Ville didn’t respond at first, choosing instead to cast his eyes towards the sidewalk and street, and inhaling from his cigarette. When he did respond, he used what courage he had and looked over at Jesse, who was clearly fighting back tears. His eyes were frighteningly devoid of emotion, and it was painfully clear that Ville was a shadow of the man he once was. The once stunning green was now dull and dead; Jesse’s breath caught in his throat.
“So?”
“So?” Jesse repeated, shocked by his brother’s lack of care for his own life. “So, I don’t want you to end up like Bam!”
There was a ripple of pain that ran through Ville’s body, and it even showed in his deadened eyes. He turned away from Jesse and leaned against the railing, clutching it with his hands and staring intently at the sidewalk once more. When he spoke, his voice was monotone:
“Maybe I do, Jesse. Did you ever think of that?”
Ville could feel the scared look in his brothers eyes focused on his.
“Ville…”
“Just leave, Jesse. Please, leave.”
“Ville, please!”
“Get out.”
“Ville-“
“OUT!”
Jesse jumped at the volume and force of his brother’s voice, but realized that the conversation was over whether he wanted it to be or not.
“Fine. I’m leaving,” he surrendered, and turned to leave.
“Jesse?” Ville’s voice was quiet again, and Jesse stopped.
“What, Ville?”
“Tell Äiti and Isä that I love them, okay?”
Jesse turned back around to face Ville, who had turned his head to lock eyes with him.
“Tell them,” Ville repeated.
“Okay, I will but-“
“I love you, too.”
“Ville, I really don’t like what you’re insinuating…”
“And tell them that I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”
Before Jesse could answer, Ville had hopped over the railing to stand on the outer ledge. He clutched the metal - his last lifeline - loosely in his hands. When Jesse took a step towards him to grab him and pull him back over, he had already let go and was falling rapidly towards the very cobblestone which he had watched longingly for so long.
Ville heard his brother’s horrified cry, and the screams of those below on the sidewalk, but then his every sense was cut off the moment he felt himself hit the sidewalk. His world was consumed by an all-encompassing, perpetual black for a second, before it turned to blinding white. And then he saw blue. Blue eyes, and a mop of messy brown hair, and a hand with tattooed knuckles reaching towards him.
Ville looked on in disbelief at the image of Bam, and when he looked down he could see his own body as it got further and further away. He looked upwards again and grabbed Bam’s hand as soon as it was within reach. Bam’s eyes were warm and kind, the corners of his lips turned upwards, and he was shaking his head.
“I love you,” he said, and it was the very same voice that Ville remembered. “You’re an idiot, but I love you.”