The S Word

[mariquix89]

Title: The S Word
Rating: T
Genre: Angst
Summary:A while ago I stopped trying to pretend I was all right for the sake of my friends

In the eerie hours of the early morning, when I wake, I pray for my soul to be taken away, I pray for this endless torture to stop, I pray everyday to non-existent gods to end my pitiful existence. But the imaginary deities do not listen to my pleas, and everyday after my prayer ends, a trail of crystalline and salty tears make their way to my cheeks.

I’ll live the boring routine my life has become and watch as an spectator would, as the seconds pass, and little by little I become a bit older, a bit more tired, a little less happy, a lot more jaded, a bit more suicidal.

I long to take the shiny knife, plunge it deep within the veins of my left wrist and drag it upwards, I long to see my blood flow deeply, staining the floor with a deep burgundy color, I want to feel how the blade pierces through tendon of my thumb. I want to feel no pain , I wish to become numb. I despise happiness, I loath sadness, I hate love, and hate is bothersome.

There are days when I don’t pray for my end, days in which I think I’m normal, days in which the voices are quiet and don’t scream murder in my head. But there are days in which I think I’m going insane, days in which the most morbid thoughts cross my mind over and over again; days in which Death accompanies me every where and whispers words of love next to my ear.

I want to blow my brains out, I want to feel the cool metal of a gun caressing my temple, I long to hear the bullet being shot; I want to feel how it rips my skin apart until it finds the bone and breaks, I want to feel how the very essence of my life fades away.

A while ago I stopped trying to pretend I was all right for the sake of my friends, now I don´t have to contort my face into something that resembles a smile, I don’t have to play with the food on my plate just so they think I´ve eaten. I can scream as loud I as I want to, I  can stop speaking because its of no interest to me anymore. Now I can forget that the outside world exists.

But I can´t forget how it felt to be holding you in my arms, to be breathing in your same air, or how good and tight it felt to be inside of you, or how raw your voice sounded after sex. I can´t forget the perfect way your hand fit within mine, I can´t seem to forget that I love you, and sadly I can´t forget that you forgot to love me back.

So one of these days, I´m going to overdose on that white and wonderful powder, and I´m going to die laid on your favorite couch holding a bottle of jacks in my left hand.

So umm  you know what to do.