jezebel1386
in
__vam
Me Again...
Title: You're The Truth.
Author: Miss Jezebel.
Pairing: Bam and Ville. Hints of Ville and Jussi.
Rating: R.
Summary: My hotel room was like a garden of dead flowers...
Disclaimer: Bam and Ville own each other. The very thought makes me smile.
Authors Notes: (1)Another snippet, nothing big. (2) I don't have anything else in mind for this. Please don't throw things at me. (3) Dedicated to my future wife, Miss Tia_Maria... just for being lovely!
The crushing ache in my joints was tolerable, unlike the Ambisol numb in my mouth. My hotel room was like a garden of dead flowers, in décor and in its musky stench, the thin veil of stale smoke doing nothing to improve it. I guess the same could be said for its sole occupant, awake for far too long, alone, trying a bit too hard to remember anything but the one thing I needed to forget. The sag of the mattress forced two very prominent springs into my back.
My jittering body rattled the loose iron headboard against the wall, but the shake of my hand, chewed bloody at the cuticles, was more constant, not a fidget but a weak vibration. As I leaned and reached across to the almost-empty pack of cigarettes on the night stand, my stomach emptied itself onto the floor, without even the slightest gag or wretch, alarmingly casual and without effort. I set the cigarette between my dry lips without lighting it and inspected my internal contents. All liquid--beer, coffee, blood.
Something inside of me urged me to care, but I just rolled back over, wrapped the white sheet around my nakedness, and lit my smoke, holding in the first drag until my eyes began to tear. I felt weak, but running my free hand down my ribcage and over my hipbone as I stretched, I also felt beautifully detached, nagged only by my craving and the ever-present thought of Bam. Try as I might, I could never manage to block that last one out.
Indifference is one thing, but to be completely conscious of one’s own indifference is a kind of contradiction that I’ve been trying to wrap my tired head around for years. The yearning to care about something, anything, had at one point completely consumed me, but Jussi had the medicine to fix that problem. There was a time when I was waiting to be saved, swept off of my feet by life itself, but now I had only one care in this world, and I was waiting for Jussi to score it off of a corner somewhere.
Jussi. My savior was pure Eurotrash. A bit older and exotically worldly, he seemed to draw strength from the very thing that was slowly killing me. When we had met, he was an occasional user, but together we spiraled deep into crippling addiction. Our once-passionate and dangerous love affair had quickly fizzed out into a sexless and pathetic co-dependency. Soon, he would walk through that door and, without a word, tie up my arm and silence my mind with a quick prick.
Something inside of me melted and I began to cry the first real tears I had cried in months. My cigarette fell from my mouth and onto the floor, eventually burning out, as I yanked the telephone from the receiver. I was suddenly in a panic, terrified, my mind reeling and my heart racing, I only knew I had to get the hell out of here before Jussi got back. I felt as if I may not survive here another moment.
I dialed the familiar number slowly, each consecutive ring quickening my pulse.
Then, it came, “Hello?” He sounded very tired. The clock said it was 4am.
My voice was coarse from disuse, “Bam?”
“Ville? ” I could almost hear him sit up in bed.
“Bam, you need to come get me.”
Author: Miss Jezebel.
Pairing: Bam and Ville. Hints of Ville and Jussi.
Rating: R.
Summary: My hotel room was like a garden of dead flowers...
Disclaimer: Bam and Ville own each other. The very thought makes me smile.
Authors Notes: (1)Another snippet, nothing big. (2) I don't have anything else in mind for this. Please don't throw things at me. (3) Dedicated to my future wife, Miss Tia_Maria... just for being lovely!
The crushing ache in my joints was tolerable, unlike the Ambisol numb in my mouth. My hotel room was like a garden of dead flowers, in décor and in its musky stench, the thin veil of stale smoke doing nothing to improve it. I guess the same could be said for its sole occupant, awake for far too long, alone, trying a bit too hard to remember anything but the one thing I needed to forget. The sag of the mattress forced two very prominent springs into my back.
My jittering body rattled the loose iron headboard against the wall, but the shake of my hand, chewed bloody at the cuticles, was more constant, not a fidget but a weak vibration. As I leaned and reached across to the almost-empty pack of cigarettes on the night stand, my stomach emptied itself onto the floor, without even the slightest gag or wretch, alarmingly casual and without effort. I set the cigarette between my dry lips without lighting it and inspected my internal contents. All liquid--beer, coffee, blood.
Something inside of me urged me to care, but I just rolled back over, wrapped the white sheet around my nakedness, and lit my smoke, holding in the first drag until my eyes began to tear. I felt weak, but running my free hand down my ribcage and over my hipbone as I stretched, I also felt beautifully detached, nagged only by my craving and the ever-present thought of Bam. Try as I might, I could never manage to block that last one out.
Indifference is one thing, but to be completely conscious of one’s own indifference is a kind of contradiction that I’ve been trying to wrap my tired head around for years. The yearning to care about something, anything, had at one point completely consumed me, but Jussi had the medicine to fix that problem. There was a time when I was waiting to be saved, swept off of my feet by life itself, but now I had only one care in this world, and I was waiting for Jussi to score it off of a corner somewhere.
Jussi. My savior was pure Eurotrash. A bit older and exotically worldly, he seemed to draw strength from the very thing that was slowly killing me. When we had met, he was an occasional user, but together we spiraled deep into crippling addiction. Our once-passionate and dangerous love affair had quickly fizzed out into a sexless and pathetic co-dependency. Soon, he would walk through that door and, without a word, tie up my arm and silence my mind with a quick prick.
Something inside of me melted and I began to cry the first real tears I had cried in months. My cigarette fell from my mouth and onto the floor, eventually burning out, as I yanked the telephone from the receiver. I was suddenly in a panic, terrified, my mind reeling and my heart racing, I only knew I had to get the hell out of here before Jussi got back. I felt as if I may not survive here another moment.
I dialed the familiar number slowly, each consecutive ring quickening my pulse.
Then, it came, “Hello?” He sounded very tired. The clock said it was 4am.
My voice was coarse from disuse, “Bam?”
“Ville? ” I could almost hear him sit up in bed.
“Bam, you need to come get me.”