Never Told You (One shot maybe..)

[tatonyiasblood6]

Title: Never Told You (One shot maybe)
Pairing: Vam
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except myself. The only thing I own in this fic are the words and plot.
Summery: Ville reminiscenses about memories both beautiful and horrifing from so long ago it seems. When his sorrow seeps through and engulfs him, what lengths will he go to to put an end to his pain?
Warning: A lot of character death and suicide. get the tissues before you read. Also you all may hate me or love for the ending parts.

Title: Never Told You (One shot maybe)
Pairing: Vam
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except myself. The only thing I own in this fic are the words and plot.
Summery: Ville reminiscenses about memories both beautiful and horrifing from so long ago it seems. When his sorrow seeps through and engulfs him, what lengths will he go to to put an end to his pain?
Warning: A lot of character death and suicide. get the tissues before you read. Also you all may hate or love me for the ending parts.

A/N: I've been in a horrid depression for some time now so this is my vent. I hope something worth reading comes from this. Oh and on a better note...sorta >.<. I am going to update Cold World soon. I'm sorry for the EXTREMELY long wait. I just haven't been in the proper mood to write anything worth posting for it. I do have ideas, but I have to sort them through and make something of worth out of them. I'm willing to take any ideas or help if they are offered as well as constructive concrit. Thanks so much sweethearts!

A/N 2: This was mostly inspired by a two songs: Our Farewell and Bittersweet both by Within Temptation. Sad yet beautiful and heart warming to me at the moment. I would listen to at least one of them while reading this. It tends to set the mood for what is to come.

Never Told You

As I sit here all alone on the dirty sofa in my disgraceful heap of an apartment, memories of you flood my mind. Swamping me and knocking me into the past so hard I feel as if I've bruised. Like hard, rough hands are pulling me further into the obyss. I so long to be with you again. To see those beautiful eyes of yours shine with so much life it's bound to make anyone giddy. I miss those ocean blues that danced and sparkled so brilliantly even in the dead darkness of night.

I miss the way that the sun or any light for that matter kissed your golden, inked and scarred flesh. You were so beautiful to me. Hell, you were beautiful to everyone, but only to me were you the most gorgeous creature alive.

I miss that goofy giggle that you only let me hear and the boystrous laughter you filled everyones ears with. The way you always laughed even if you broke a bone or scraped your God-like skin clean to the bone when you fell off your skateboard.

Ah, that board was the only thing you knew you could find a way to escape the world and your darkest troubles with. If only you would have seen I could have done that for you too, had you let me. I tried to so many times, but everytime you seemed to escape to your heaven with that board; oblivous to how you hurt me. Why you never confided in me I'll never know, sweetheart.

I miss the smile that lit up the darkest of rooms and shunned away the bitterest of sorrows wrath. You lit up my life with that smile the moment we met and O how I wish I could have that smile light up my life again. Unfortunately my sorrow is too much for even that and you're not here to do that any longer.

I miss those playful antics of yours. Your friends always joined in the fun, but you my dear were always the mastermind behind it all. The buckets of cold water that were dumped on unsuspecting victoms never failed to make me laugh. Everyone else couldn't keep from laughing like the maniacs they were. The kicks and punches to the balls never stopped for a moment, but you never dared to hit me. You always made sure the pranks on me weren't ever too rough or scarry. You always made sure not to cause me any pain or an ashma attack. ...but you did cause me pain with not seeing what I thought was so obvious....

Now I wish I was having an attack so I could fade away from my pain. I wish I could put an end to my sufrage and guilt, but I know full and well the only one who can give me relief is you, yet you are not here for me as you always promised me you would be.

I can't stop crying even when I sleep (which is rare now-a-days). I weep so quietly, no one hears me. I've learned to be quiet in my suffering. I wouldn't want them to come in and try to soothe me. No, they would only make it worse because it's not you here with me. I just wish I had seen it coming.

I wish I had watched you more closely, listened when you tried to tell me. I just wish I hadn't been too drunk to see the pain in your beautiful eyes. I wish it hadn't been me who caused it. I didn't realize I had been so idiotic...so stupid; blind even.

I guess I just didn't want to see the sorrow you hid so well. I could have seen it clearly had I opened my eyes. Had I let my barriers down. I didn't mean to put them up in the first place. I was afraid of rejection I suppose. I might as well have put the keys in your hand for you, my love.

You will never leave my mind or heart, not so long as I live. I wouldn't want you to. You're memory is all I have left of you now, my dearest skator boy. I'll never let go of them and I'll never let go of you.

Do you remember that pretty little locket you gave me? All those flowers to? What about the clothes and trinkets? I was so blind...

You always lavished affection on me with your gifts. I always gave you something in return. Something so perfect that you never let anyone else see or touch it. I remember when I bought you a custom fit leather jacket. Novak snatched it up the moment he saw it. You were so angry and never forgave him for that even though you told him you did.

You didn't hate him. You never could hate any of your friends for anything they did. No matter how stupid or unforgivable it was. No matter how angry or upset they made you. You would let it go and return to being friends again. You always were so kind despite what most people thought they knew. Sure you were an ass. It's what made you so adorable to me.

You could never hate me no matter what I did to you or to myself. You always came to my rescue and always forgave me no matter what. I did the same for you. We were bestfriends and that's what bestfriends do. I just wish I would have seen your need and want for our relationship to be so much more. I wanted that more than you ever knew. I was afraid and so were you. I'll never forgive myself for not telling you that I loved you more than anything in the world. I loved you with every fiber of my being, every ounce of my blood, with every beat of my aching heart. I still do and always will.

Now my heart is broken like yours was the night you said good-bye to me for the last time. That night was the last time I ever saw you alive. The warmth in you was gone. That gorgeous, sparkling shimmer in your never ending pools of ocean blue had faded and gone forever as you hid behind your beautiful chocolate hued curls. Your lumenous and lively smile never graced those perfectly sculped pink lips again. Everything I loved about you from the inside out was gone that night because of me. I had sucked it out of you. I made you cry. I made you break inside and out. I killed you before you ever got on the slippery roads in that sports car and crashed so horribly. I cried when I got to the scene of the accident, half dressed and soaked to the bone, standing in the down pour of tears from heaven weeping for a gained angel. Watching the bent and burning metal and plastic engulfing you whole as you screamed for me to save you. I couldn't because the blasted firefighters held me back as I screamed to you. You were mangled and gone forever because of me!

I died that night too. I started breaking when you walked in on me with some women I had picked up at a bar. She didn't mean anything to me, not a damn thing. I was just so lonely and afraid you'd reject me if I tried to make a move on you while both of us were sobber. Sure we fell into bed with eachother plenty of times, kissing and groping, but all it was all under the influence of the cruel, manipulative power of alcohol. Yet it blessed me with those moments I'll always charish. The moments I got to taste and feel your sweetness. I just wish I had left that woman at the bar and come back to your castle alone. I would have let you have me. I still would and I will....

I cry even harder as I crawl to the unkempt and utterly putred bathroom, snatching up the pocket knife I've taken a fancy to lately. Only this time there won't be just cuts...there will be wounds so deep it'll take me to you. I can't take not being with you any longer, my love.

I grip the counter and stand shakily on my spindly legs. I look at myself in the mirror, only wearing your boxers which hang so low on my protruding hip bones it's sickening. My entire body has been robbed of proper nutician for as long as I can remember. I just couldn't bring myself to eat anything because I would just get sick and wretch it back up.

I took as much of your things as your mother would let me. I had to have something that I could hold onto other than my haunting memories of you. I took clothes, trinkets, jewelry, CDs, movies; I even took one of your pillows. It still smells like you. That sweet yet spicy and intoxicating smell I've dubbed my drug of choice.

I leave the bathroom, hardly able to walk because I'm shaking and stumbling so badly, using my skelital arms to brace myself as I hit a wall. I can't even feel the impact. I've become numb to everything but the pain, heartache and guilt that has been growing and wrapping its deadly clutches around my entire being since the day you died.

Once I reach my room I throw myself onto the bed and clutch your pillow to me, making sure my note is on my nightstand and in full view. I know I'll be hurting so many just as you did in a few hours when they find me. None of us has ever been the same without you since you've gone, my love. I can't live without you. I never could even if I wanted to.

More tears roll down my cheeks as I begin to carve into my pale and dirty skin with the sharp blade of the knife. It's the Nightmare Before Christmas knife you got me for my birthday three years ago. I would have it no other way.

I almost scream as I slice through my flesh, watching my dark, crimson life seep from my deep, selfinflicted wounds, watching as my chest, arms, and stomach are tainted and coated with the life I don't want to flow through me unless I have you. My world starts to fade away slowly, becoming blurry. It's not my would without you in it. I drop my weapon of choice on the matress beneath my dieing body and clutch the pillow closer to me with my last bit of will and energy. Laying there for a long while as I bleed out slowly, saturating your boxers, pillow and my own bed. Everything begins to spin around me and I close my eyes, my body feeling heavier and colder than it has ever felt.

"I'm....sorry I never told you....that I love you, Bammie. Soon enough...we can be together.....forever....," I sob weakly, praying to whatever God will listen that he'll let that be true. Praying that you can hear me.

My entire life flashes before my lidded eyes as I slowly fall unconcous from blood loss. I see everything from the day I was born to the day I met you to the night that you died two years ago; never wishing so much that I would have changed my mind and left that whore at the bar where she belonged.

Suddenly everything goes blank, pitch black and silent. I don't know what to make of it. Again a sudden change accures as a bright flash blinds me and I hear, see and feel nothing at all until a familiar voice pierces my darkness, waking me after what feels like an eternaty.

"Willa...Willa..Ville!" The voice screams at me and I finally am able to snap my heavy lids open, realizing someone is holding me. It takes a few moments for my eyes to adjust, focusing on a familiar, gorgeous face and sparkling, life filled ocean blue eyes.

"B-Bammie?" I ask raspily, not sure if this is an illusion or if it's real, tears welling in my eyes.

"Who else would I be you silly Fin?" He asks with a cocky grin, a grin I know and love so well, one I've missed more than life itself. His voice raining on me like cool soothing rain from the Gods above.

"Bam-Bam!" I squeal and wrap my arms around him, kissing his face over and over and over again, where ever I can. He yelps and laughs, but pushes me away gently, almost nervously.

"Bam? What's wrong?" I ask with worry and fright. Ready to cry because I may lose him even now in death. Why do they have to be so cruel? I asked myself on the brink of breaking down all over again.

"Nothing's wrong, Willa," He chuckles and wipes his face with my sleeve.

Wait! Sleeve? I wasn't wearing a shirt when I died. I start to panic and look down at myself. My eyes widen as I find myself to be at healthy weight and dressed in a Black Sabath shirt, tight black jeans and converse.

"You're acting like you haven't seen me in ages, Vil'." Bam says with an amused chuckle. I haven't Bammie...

It's then that I realize that we're on a familiar couch. I raise my brow and look around to take in my surroundings. I come to a startling revalation. We're in the livingroom of Castle Bam?

This just can't be! I scream in my head. Castle Bam is no longer any of ours. In Bam's will he asked that it be remodled and sold to some needy foundation if he should die.

"You just fell asleep. You ok, Ville? You look a little paler than usual. You had a bad dream didn't you?" Bam asks with great concern as I look back at him with teary eyes. I wanted to scream from all my frustration and confusion, finally letting my tears slide down my heated cheeks.

"No and yes. What day is it, Bam?" I ask, trying to appear calm, but he can see right through me like he always has.

"How much have you had to drink, Valo?" He asks more sternly.

"Nothing, now answer the damn question, Margera." I demand in an agitated tone, wanting to punch myself for using such a tone with the man I love and haven't seen in over two years, or so I think.

"June 8. Why?" He asks in confusion, still holding me in his warm, gentle, and caring arms.

"Nevermind that. What year?" I ask in a gentlier tone. I couldn't bring myself to be so mean to him again to get a straight answer.

"2009. Ville? What's wrong? Why are you asking me this?" Bam seems to be even more concerned than before, almost scared and Bam Margera is never scared or so he acts it.

I breath a sigh of relief and cling to him, buring my tear stained face into his neck and start to cry heavily, more than overjoyed that it was just a dream. It's the day before Bam died. He tenses slightly, but relaxes after a moment and wraps his arms around me more securely, rubbing my back and kissing the top of my head affectionately, trying to calm me down, causing me to shiver in delight at his touches.

I can hardly believe that was all just a dream. Two years of pain and misery...just a dream. I know I'll never eat anything before I go to sleep ever again. I eventually stop crying, reduced to sniffles. I enhale his sweet, yet spicy and intoxicating scent, wanting more of it. Trying to come to terms with the fact that all of what I've just been through was just a dream.

"That bad, huh? Must have been one hell of a dream." Bam says softly.

"You have no idea, sweetheart." I say softly as I look up at him. Looking into his sparkling eyes a wide smile gracing both out lips, but for so many different reasons than the other.

"What was it about?" He asks curiously. I could hear the worry still laced in his soft tone. It made me want to melt into him right then and there. He cares so much and I still can't rid myself of the guilt that I feel from the dream that changed me entirely for the better. I sigh heavily and spill the whole story including the fact that I love him, unable to lie to him and tell him anything but the truth. By the time I've finished we're both crying heavily and wrapped in eachothers arms.

"Why didn't you tell me Ville?" He asks softly once we've calmed down quite a bit. I can hear the hurt in his voice and it breaks my heart.

"Because....Because I was afraid. I didn't want to push anything after your devorse with Missy and I was afraid that you didn't feel the same. I didn't want you to hate me...I could never live with myself if you hated me, Bam." I explain, looking away from him as more tears roll down my cheeks.

"Ville..." He says softly after taking in all I've just said. I can't bring myself to look at him so he gently takes my chin into his soft, warm hand and makes me look at him. His eyes sparkle with tears of an emotion I can recognize very well. My lip trembles and I pull it between my teeth to stop it, on the verge of breaking down again.

"Ville...I devorsed Missy because of you." Bam says softly as he looks into my eyes and mine widen and more tears spill, trying to read my expression. I feel a wave of both guilt and relief wash over me and stare back unsure of what to say, unsure of the meaning in his words.

"Why?" Is all I can ask.

"Because I love you, Ville...I always have. Since the day we met I couldn't get you off my mind. I couldn't let you go. I couldn't imagine myself without you in my life, but when I found out that you proposed to Jonna I felt my heart breaking into a million tiny shards. I thought I never ever stood a chance with you even if you didn't have her, so I found Missy again and buried myself in her to try to get you out of my system," He explained, still staring into my eyes as he explained to me, meaning every word and making me start to cry silently as I listened.

My love for this man just grew so much more if at all possible. I could never love anyone more than my dearest Bam. I never have loved someone as much as I do him.

"It never worked though. I could never get you to leave me alone. I never really wanted to. I just wanted you to be happy, but when you came here after what Jonna did to you I swore to myself to never let anyone hurt you including myself so I called it quits with Missy. It wasn't right to put her in the middle of our mess. It wasn't ok to make her think I loved her when I never did. Sure she was my best girl, but I never loved her beyond a friend and it wasn't fair to her, so I let her go. I've always wanted you, Vil' and only you. It hurts me to see you sad, to see you lonely and afraid. I know sometimes I don't understand, but please help me understand. I want you to be mine. I love you, Ville...please tell me why..why didn't you tell me before?.." He begs, close to breaking down again, needing to hear me say it back so badly it was killing him inside. I know now that he felt all of what I felt for him. The only thing standing between us for the nine years we've known and secretly loved eachother was our fears.

"I love you too, Bammie. I always have. My reasons are very much the same as yours. I was afraid of rejection. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship, but now I realize it was so much more than that and neither of us saw it. I feel like I've loved you forever and never told you, but now I will...I love you Brandon Cole Margera forever and ever until the end of time. I'll love you even if either of us passes on and I'll be soon to follow if it's you who falls. I never want to be without you Bammie...ever..." I say, meaning every word with every fiber of my being and every beat of my slowly mending heart.

I watch Bam as tears roll down his cheeks, not tears of sorrow or anything of the like; they're tears of joy, love and happiness. My tears are of the same emotions as I tremble in his arms from the intensity of them, clinging to him like he'd leave me at any moment even if I know better. He's mine now and I am his forever.

"I promise I'll never hurt you Willa. I'll follow you where ever you may go...even in death..." Bam says lovingly, causing me to melt into him. He leans down as I look up at him adoringly, causing my breath to hitch in my throat. We were going to share our first real kiss.

He slowly closed the gap between us, his beautiful, perfectly lips pressing to mine. The sweetness of them made me whimper as I allowed him to part my lips with his sweet tongue. We plundered eachothers mouths gently, battling eachothers tongues for dominance in the most loving ways. This is all I ever wanted.

I'm sorry if this was completely horrible and a waste of your time, but I had to get it out of my head before I exploded. Oh and yay for a happy ending! I was thinking about making this a several part story until I can get some better ideas for Cold World. What do you think, sweethearts? Comments= Love =)