(no subject)
Title: Saved
Author: war_of_ataraxis
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13, a little cussing
Summary: Bam is considering taking his own life, when a man stops by and talks him down off his ledge. Originally based off the Spill Canvas’ “Self-Conclusion” but got really twisted and unrecognizable along the way.
Disclaimer: Do not own, never will, never happened.
Writing archive at love_sex_angst
This is not the way to deal with your problems
The voices of the day still floated through my mind, clouded by my own self-hatred and misery.
“What is the way to deal with my problems?” I spat angrily into the wind. “What is the fucking way to deal with all this shit going on in my life? Nobody’s given me answers. Nobody’s helped. Where the fuck is the solution?”
I looked down at the water pouring beneath me, standing on this thin ledge of concrete and beneath it metal, things I wished I could be made of so that this wouldn’t hurt so much. It wouldn’t hurt so much losing everything; it wouldn’t hurt so much to just feel so dead inside.
I lifted my arms, testing the air that breezed around me, smiling in a sadistic way as I felt it gently caress my skin, looking down, taking soft breaths.
This is it. This will be it.
“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” a soft voice suddenly echoed from behind me. I ignored it, still standing on the ledge looking down at the slightly angry looking river beneath me.
“I said… beautiful night, isn’t it?” he repeated, and I could feel that he’d stepped closer to me, the part of my brain I allowed to concentrate on it deducing he was maybe no more than five feet behind me.
Finally I gave in a reply. “I guess.”
“Oh? You guess. How do you not know? Look at the stars? They’re positively lovely.”
But I gave the sky no glance, just stared into a distance that I knew he knew I saw.
“Why, are you too good to look at the stars?” I heard the soft movement of cloth against stone, and the more rustling before what sounded like a lighter being lit. “Cigarette?” he inquired, and that solved the question.
“No. I don’t smoke,” I replied shortly, wishing with all my being that this man would just go away. But somehow I knew he wouldn’t.
“Ah, why because they’ll kill you? Well, in your current state I wouldn’t say you seem to care much about such things… Come down from there.” There was no question, it wasn’t even a request. It was an order.
Startled, I finally looked down at the man sitting beside me on this ledge. “What?”
He looked up at me, his bright green eyes shining in the pale moonlight. “I said,” he took a drag of his cigarette. “Get down from there.”
I just stared at him.
“Come on man, give a guy a chance to talk to you before you throw yourself off a bridge,” he muttered, taking another drag of his cigarette and not breaking eye contact with me. Instead, it was my eyes that were torn away from his, to finally look up at the skies.
“And if I don’t?”
I could hear the cloth of his jacket move against itself as he shrugged. “I can’t do much about it, if you decide not to listen to me. I’m not Superman, and I’m sure as hell not plunging off a bridge to save you. I guess it’s up to you.”
The simplicity of his words were terrible to my ears, he was frustrating in his calmness. “What the fuck do you know, man?” I suddenly exploded at him. “What the fuck do you know? Maybe I need to fucking do this?”
I cast my eyes back down at him where he looked at me somberly. “I know a lot more than you probably know,” there was no bite to his voice, no air of knowledge, but I could see it right in his eyes, and right behind that I could practically see him standing right in my position. “I’ve been where you’ve been. Maybe not the same road, but they came together as I can see. Apparently we both attempted to take the same shortcut. But, alas, my friend there is a road after this.”
I only blinked and stared at him.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I wanted to go for a walk… and I’d prefer to go for a walk and attempt to talk a beautiful young man off a bridge, than see him jump off into the river and drown himself. Because I know that if you do it anyway, that I couldn’t have helped you, but at least I feel like I tried. Failed, but tried.” He tossed his cigarette haphazardly over the side of the bridge and I watched its slow plummet until it disappeared from my line of sight into the darkness untouched by a street lamp.
“You can walk away,” I mumbled slightly, crossing my arms but not moving from my place. “You’re only standing in my way.”
He smirked when my eyes moved back to him. “But, love, I’m sitting.”
The simple absurdity of his statement caused a slight smile to come to my face, if only for the brief flicker of a second. When it faded, I heard him sigh. “Damn, almost thought I had you.” I remained silent, as usual, staring into the inky blackness of the sky, dotted with pinpoints of life.
What’s out there?
“Will you please come down?” he asked directly and I didn’t respond. This was none of his fucking business. Why can’t he just fucking walk away. This isn’t worth this shit.
I looked down at the water again, and I heard him stand up and I almost felt relieved that he was leaving, until I felt two thin but strong arms wrap around my waist. “Let me fucking go!” I screeched at him, flailing, but he pulled me backwards, and we both fell to the ground, off of the ledge, hitting the concrete beneath us hard.
“What the fuck is your problem dude? Seriously, what the hell does this have to do with you?” I turned on him on the ground and pushed myself up, eyes narrowed to angry slits. “Why the fuck can’t you just walk away?”
This time it was his turn to stay silent as he stared me down. “I don’t know,” he finally replied. “I thought I might give you more help than I had in this situation.” He wasn’t angry, just contemplative, and I attempted to look into his green eyes but they seemed locked.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I questioned even though I have understood the implication of the former statement.
“See that ledge?” he questioned without missing a beat, “The one you were just on? I stood there exactly a fucking month ago, planning on doing exactly what you were planning on doing. Only, I didn’t have anybody to help me.”
My eyes met his, and I suddenly saw him flicker; almost like he wasn’t there. Almost like he wasn’t fully real. But I only blinked, rubbing my eyes and stared at him. He had to be real, he was here.
He gave me a sad smile and reached out, pushing a lock of my hair off of my face, and I noticed that his hands were icy cold. I shivered slightly, and bit my lip. I didn’t understand.
I’m not sure I want to.
He looked down at the ground and back up at me. “You’ll understand eventually… just give it time. Don’t do anything stupid. Appreciate your life.”
I let out a short slightly shaky laugh, casting my eyes out toward the water that trailed off into the distance beyond my sight; I was sure a metaphor for life lay somewhere in there, but I figured I’d have time to figure it out.
“I wish I had... I love you.”
A small cold wind blew past me, a flutter of wind across my cheek like lips across my flesh and I jerked around, hand rising to touch my cheek; I turned to look back at the visitor - only finding he wasn’t there. I would say I was surprised, but I wasn’t.
It all made sense.
I looked around even though I knew there was no point; he was gone, he had been gone.
And then my eyes rested on a small glint of metal. Focusing, I realized it was a lighter. His lighter.
I picked it up and held it to my chest, looking down at the water again.
I miss you Ville. I’m sorry I even thought of this. I’m sorry I left you two months ago. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work when you needed me. I needed you.
I love you.
I stood up and headed towards home, sighing as a small tear slid down my cheek; I wiped it away defiantly and glanced down at the lighter in my hand.
Bam & Ville Forever
If only.
Thoughts? Hopefully that all twisted together to make sense to you guys - let me know if it didn’t! Thanks for reading!
Okay, I feel like I've confused people. =/ Bam knew Ville. They broke up, and Ville ended up killing himself about a month after they broke up -- I don't specify why, could be because of Bam, or other problems that Bam was the only thing keeping in check. Exactly a month later, Bam is contemplating suicide in the same manner (star crossed lovers man, wtf), Ville's ghost comes back in order to save Bam from making the same mistake that he had made. Bam reflects that Ville and he needed each other, but he is basically resorting to live his life for he and Ville both.
Author: war_of_ataraxis
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13, a little cussing
Summary: Bam is considering taking his own life, when a man stops by and talks him down off his ledge. Originally based off the Spill Canvas’ “Self-Conclusion” but got really twisted and unrecognizable along the way.
Disclaimer: Do not own, never will, never happened.
Writing archive at love_sex_angst
This is not the way to deal with your problems
The voices of the day still floated through my mind, clouded by my own self-hatred and misery.
“What is the way to deal with my problems?” I spat angrily into the wind. “What is the fucking way to deal with all this shit going on in my life? Nobody’s given me answers. Nobody’s helped. Where the fuck is the solution?”
I looked down at the water pouring beneath me, standing on this thin ledge of concrete and beneath it metal, things I wished I could be made of so that this wouldn’t hurt so much. It wouldn’t hurt so much losing everything; it wouldn’t hurt so much to just feel so dead inside.
I lifted my arms, testing the air that breezed around me, smiling in a sadistic way as I felt it gently caress my skin, looking down, taking soft breaths.
This is it. This will be it.
“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” a soft voice suddenly echoed from behind me. I ignored it, still standing on the ledge looking down at the slightly angry looking river beneath me.
“I said… beautiful night, isn’t it?” he repeated, and I could feel that he’d stepped closer to me, the part of my brain I allowed to concentrate on it deducing he was maybe no more than five feet behind me.
Finally I gave in a reply. “I guess.”
“Oh? You guess. How do you not know? Look at the stars? They’re positively lovely.”
But I gave the sky no glance, just stared into a distance that I knew he knew I saw.
“Why, are you too good to look at the stars?” I heard the soft movement of cloth against stone, and the more rustling before what sounded like a lighter being lit. “Cigarette?” he inquired, and that solved the question.
“No. I don’t smoke,” I replied shortly, wishing with all my being that this man would just go away. But somehow I knew he wouldn’t.
“Ah, why because they’ll kill you? Well, in your current state I wouldn’t say you seem to care much about such things… Come down from there.” There was no question, it wasn’t even a request. It was an order.
Startled, I finally looked down at the man sitting beside me on this ledge. “What?”
He looked up at me, his bright green eyes shining in the pale moonlight. “I said,” he took a drag of his cigarette. “Get down from there.”
I just stared at him.
“Come on man, give a guy a chance to talk to you before you throw yourself off a bridge,” he muttered, taking another drag of his cigarette and not breaking eye contact with me. Instead, it was my eyes that were torn away from his, to finally look up at the skies.
“And if I don’t?”
I could hear the cloth of his jacket move against itself as he shrugged. “I can’t do much about it, if you decide not to listen to me. I’m not Superman, and I’m sure as hell not plunging off a bridge to save you. I guess it’s up to you.”
The simplicity of his words were terrible to my ears, he was frustrating in his calmness. “What the fuck do you know, man?” I suddenly exploded at him. “What the fuck do you know? Maybe I need to fucking do this?”
I cast my eyes back down at him where he looked at me somberly. “I know a lot more than you probably know,” there was no bite to his voice, no air of knowledge, but I could see it right in his eyes, and right behind that I could practically see him standing right in my position. “I’ve been where you’ve been. Maybe not the same road, but they came together as I can see. Apparently we both attempted to take the same shortcut. But, alas, my friend there is a road after this.”
I only blinked and stared at him.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I wanted to go for a walk… and I’d prefer to go for a walk and attempt to talk a beautiful young man off a bridge, than see him jump off into the river and drown himself. Because I know that if you do it anyway, that I couldn’t have helped you, but at least I feel like I tried. Failed, but tried.” He tossed his cigarette haphazardly over the side of the bridge and I watched its slow plummet until it disappeared from my line of sight into the darkness untouched by a street lamp.
“You can walk away,” I mumbled slightly, crossing my arms but not moving from my place. “You’re only standing in my way.”
He smirked when my eyes moved back to him. “But, love, I’m sitting.”
The simple absurdity of his statement caused a slight smile to come to my face, if only for the brief flicker of a second. When it faded, I heard him sigh. “Damn, almost thought I had you.” I remained silent, as usual, staring into the inky blackness of the sky, dotted with pinpoints of life.
What’s out there?
“Will you please come down?” he asked directly and I didn’t respond. This was none of his fucking business. Why can’t he just fucking walk away. This isn’t worth this shit.
I looked down at the water again, and I heard him stand up and I almost felt relieved that he was leaving, until I felt two thin but strong arms wrap around my waist. “Let me fucking go!” I screeched at him, flailing, but he pulled me backwards, and we both fell to the ground, off of the ledge, hitting the concrete beneath us hard.
“What the fuck is your problem dude? Seriously, what the hell does this have to do with you?” I turned on him on the ground and pushed myself up, eyes narrowed to angry slits. “Why the fuck can’t you just walk away?”
This time it was his turn to stay silent as he stared me down. “I don’t know,” he finally replied. “I thought I might give you more help than I had in this situation.” He wasn’t angry, just contemplative, and I attempted to look into his green eyes but they seemed locked.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I questioned even though I have understood the implication of the former statement.
“See that ledge?” he questioned without missing a beat, “The one you were just on? I stood there exactly a fucking month ago, planning on doing exactly what you were planning on doing. Only, I didn’t have anybody to help me.”
My eyes met his, and I suddenly saw him flicker; almost like he wasn’t there. Almost like he wasn’t fully real. But I only blinked, rubbing my eyes and stared at him. He had to be real, he was here.
He gave me a sad smile and reached out, pushing a lock of my hair off of my face, and I noticed that his hands were icy cold. I shivered slightly, and bit my lip. I didn’t understand.
I’m not sure I want to.
He looked down at the ground and back up at me. “You’ll understand eventually… just give it time. Don’t do anything stupid. Appreciate your life.”
I let out a short slightly shaky laugh, casting my eyes out toward the water that trailed off into the distance beyond my sight; I was sure a metaphor for life lay somewhere in there, but I figured I’d have time to figure it out.
“I wish I had... I love you.”
A small cold wind blew past me, a flutter of wind across my cheek like lips across my flesh and I jerked around, hand rising to touch my cheek; I turned to look back at the visitor - only finding he wasn’t there. I would say I was surprised, but I wasn’t.
It all made sense.
I looked around even though I knew there was no point; he was gone, he had been gone.
And then my eyes rested on a small glint of metal. Focusing, I realized it was a lighter. His lighter.
I picked it up and held it to my chest, looking down at the water again.
I miss you Ville. I’m sorry I even thought of this. I’m sorry I left you two months ago. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work when you needed me. I needed you.
I love you.
I stood up and headed towards home, sighing as a small tear slid down my cheek; I wiped it away defiantly and glanced down at the lighter in my hand.
Bam & Ville Forever
If only.
Thoughts? Hopefully that all twisted together to make sense to you guys - let me know if it didn’t! Thanks for reading!
Okay, I feel like I've confused people. =/ Bam knew Ville. They broke up, and Ville ended up killing himself about a month after they broke up -- I don't specify why, could be because of Bam, or other problems that Bam was the only thing keeping in check. Exactly a month later, Bam is contemplating suicide in the same manner (star crossed lovers man, wtf), Ville's ghost comes back in order to save Bam from making the same mistake that he had made. Bam reflects that Ville and he needed each other, but he is basically resorting to live his life for he and Ville both.