Missed Chances - Part 3
Title: Missed Chances
Rated: R-kissing and make out-
Chapter: 3
Pairing: Ryan MillerxZdeno Chara
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Practice had gone okay, well I at least thought it went okay. To others maybe it was a bit slow, and yeah I was off of my game. But I mean who would not be off of their game with what happened to me earlier today? All that I was happy about, was that no one knew what happened while I was out for my walk. But I got to remember for next time, to not go out alone like I did.
Taking in a deep breath, I lifted the dumb bell that I was holding. It was not all that heavy, but I was not trying to build muscles, I was just trying to keep what muscles I have lean. I was also trying to avoid the questions from Derek, like the reason why I decided to go for a walk, and what had happened that made me so flustered and upset. Answering them to only a point that would still be believable and yet not fully true.
Closing my eyes, I set the dumb bell down and sat on a bench that was nearby. Rubbing my forehead with the back of my hand, I took in a deep breath and let out a sigh. Things were getting out of hand, and quickly. I had slipped up with my emotions, and I could not help but beat myself up on the inside for doing so.
As my mind went back to today’s events, I clenched my hands together into fist. Not noticing that my nails were digging into the palm of my hands. Not once did I let my emotions and want take over, but twice. My hands clenched together more until finally I realized I was leaving marks in my hands. ‘Shoot…’ I thought as I looked at the slight cut marks. They were not all that deep, but if I would of kept clenching my hands tighter and tighter they might of bled.
Getting up, I walked over to my bag and looked at the time. It was only 4:30, I had another 30 minutes to kill before I had to show up at the rink for the game tonight. A little bit longer working out would not kill me, or at least I hope it would not kill me.
Going on with my work out, my mind still went back to what happen today. And what would of happened if I went with my emotions instead of giving up and running away. Some images came to mind, and I stopped all that I was doing. ‘Why did I just have to do that?’ I thought to myself, as I gripped the bar for the next machine that I was using. Not really caring what was going on around me, I just focused on what I was doing now. Just hoping that the game would go by quickly today, and I can get the hell out of Boston before I do something I would truly regret.
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As the national anthem came to an end, I let out a low sigh and turned to my net. I could feel Zdeno’s eyes on my back, but I could not bring myself to look at him. Gripping the net for a second, I then grabbed my helmet and pulled it on, keeping my gaze on the ice before I had to look up to see the puck drop.
This game seemed to go by a lot quicker than the last once, which let me feel a bit better that we were not going to be here any longer than need be. Several times I had to make a quick save, or ignore the banter I was getting from someone on the Bruins. But I managed to get through it, I don’t know how but I did.
My gaze flicked over to the left as I saw the puck, on the stick of a Bruins player. Quickly it was shot at the net, and I managed a pad save, it was sloppy but at least I stopped it from going in. “Man, your just not on your game. Now are you, Miller?” A voice said coming from back behind the net. My gaze came across a Bruins player, Thornton, and I rolled my eyes. Wanting to snap at him, but I kept my mouth shut and my thoughts on the game.
His taunts and jives irked me, some were about my head not in the game. Others about how I needed to loosen up and let a few go in. Which that one really got to me, I mean why would I ever do that, why would I ever let a goal in just cause he said so. Turning to glare at him, I went to open my mouth to say something, but the whistle blew. My only thoughts were ‘Oh great I just let out in.’ But as I turned, there was a black jersey crumbled on the ice slightly. I could make a hand on the face of the person wearing said black jersey, but as I looked on I could now see the numbers on the jersey.
My breath hitched as my eyes went wide, it could not be who I thought it was. No, it was impossible to get a stick that high. As the Bruin got up, my fears were all true. It was who I thought it was, and it made me want to go over and make sure he was okay. But I stopped myself, and was relieved when I saw him get up, put a hand to his face. Looking away for a second, I saw the ref escorting Kaleta over to the penalty box.
Casting a quick look at Zdeno, I could see the bruise’s that were starting to form on his cheek. Looking over at Kaleta, I could not help but feel anger towards my teammate for hurting Zdeno. But I had to keep telling myself that I could not have feelings for the Bruins player, I had to keep my mind on my playing, and not on him.
Gripping my goalie stick, I tried to focus on the game. Which was working up to the point that I saw Zee’s face again. It was not badly bruised, but I could not help but feel concerned for him. ‘Snap out of it!’ I thought quickly, but as I did this, the puck was behind me and in the net. My eyes went wide, as I looked at the puck, I had not even moved and it was behind me. Looking up, the shock that I was feeling replaced my concern.
As I looked at my teammates, one by one I knew they were all thinking the same thing. ‘He could of stopped it.’ or ‘Why the fuck did he just let it in?’ Getting off my helmet to take a quick drink, I heard someone yell something. And I flinched, it was Lindy calling for a time-out. Taking in a couple deep breaths, I looked over my shoulder, the look on my face full of fear. Catching Zdeno’s eyes as he looked over at me, I took in a deep breath, head hung low and skated towards the bench.
As I got closer, I could tell that Lindy was upset, just the way he was holding himself. Shoulders stiff, face stone like, and his arms crossed over his chest. He was talking to us about how poorly we are playing, and a few other things that I could not remember at the moment. But as I went to head back to the net, I felt a hand grip my shoulder and stop me. Turning, I looked at my coach, as soon as I saw that look in his eyes, I sighed and hung my head once more. “Sorry Ryan, I’m going to have to pull ya. Your heads just not in it tonight.” He said, patting my back. Sighing once more I watched Lalime go to the net, while I took his spot on the bench.
Shaking my head, I set my helmet off to the side, looking out onto the ice. Catching the look from Zdeno, I looked away quickly, not wanting to see the question in those eyes.
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The buzzer sounded as the 3rd period ended, making me look up at the score board. I flinched, the score was 2-6, I guess things went badly after I was pulled. Taking in a deep breath, I hung my head once more. ‘Its all my fucking fault cause I can’t think straight right now.’ I thought. Looking up once more, I stood to tell my teammates they did a good job, but the look on my face probably told a different story.
No I was not blaming them, I was blaming myself. It was all my fault, if only I knew how to stay away from Zdeno, if only I had never fallen in love with him. But that was the key word that sent my mind going, I have fallen in love with the big guy. Closing my eyes I let out a low groan. I was lucky that no one else heard the groan, nodding my head to Lalime, I then followed him back into the locker room.
I did not want to stay there any longer then what I had to. Changing out of my gear, and putting it all into my bag, after I got my dress clothes on. I got up and walked out the door, I did not want to deal with my teammates being all mopey.
Getting only so far, I stopped, I could not go on anymore. The pain that resided in my heart, knowing that I had let my team down. It just finally got to me, Lindy was right, my head was not in the game today. And cause of that, I might have just lost it for my teammates. Leaning against the wall, I slowly slid down it, until I was sitting there eyes looking at nothing as I brought my knees to my chest.
I just wanted to cry, that’s all I wanted to do. But I did not know who was still hanging around, even though I had a pretty good idea on who else was still around. Hearing foot taps down the hall, I did not bother to look up. Even when the foot steps got closer, I still stared at the ground, my eyes brimming with unsheathed tears. But what did make me look up was when a hand was placed on my shoulder, after the person had crouched down to see me.
Looking up at the person, I quickly ducked my head. It just had to be Zdeno, it always had to be him, why couldn’t he just leave me alone. “Ryan… What’s wrong?” I heard him ask, his voice soft, and full of concern. Maybe that was a reason I loved him, he was always so kind when we faced each other. I wanted to say everything was just great, but that would be lying, and I was a terrible liar. So all I did was shake my head, and keep my eyes focused on something else besides him, only because I did not want to see the bruises on his cheek.
His arms then wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me close into him. “Then tell me what’s wrong Ryan, I can’t fix it unless I know what is bothering you.” Zdeno then said, as I tucked my head under his chin. I took in a few shaky breaths as I thought over what to say. Closing my eyes, I sighed, letting my bag go I wrapped my arms around him as much as I could. “Its my fault that we did not play harder.” I started my voice no more than a whisper. “Its my fault, because I could not think straight, my mind was always wandering.”
I could feel his hand rubbing circles in my back, trying to sooth me while he listened. “I just have been so confused lately, its not funny.” I then said, letting out a sigh at the end. It was true, I had been so confused, but I believe I was finally seeing things a bit more clearly now. But I did not know if I was ready to admit to how I was feeling. “No, its not funny Ryan.” Zdeno murmured into my hair, still rubbing circles into my back. “Let me help you Ryan, I hate to see you like this.”
I heard him, I really did, but I did not know what to say. He was offering to help me through my confusion. Not maybe people have offered this sort of help, but right now I did not care. Shifting in his grasp, I nuzzled the side of his neck with my nose. Inhaling the mix of light sweat, soap, and what was truly him.
“Ryan…..” I heard Zdeno say, his voice going an octave lower than what it started out as. I could not help it, I giggled against the hollow of his neck, ‘What am I doing?’ I thought to myself. This was not like me, I was never this forward with my emotions anymore, not since what happened with Brian.
Finally lifting my from its resting place, I looked up at him. “Yes?” I asked, my arms still wrapped around him as far as they could reach. Which was not that far, my hands could not even touch one another. I waited for his answer, hoping that it was not something that would tell me to leave. It had taken me several years to admit I was gay, and I had spent months debating over my love for Zdeno.
His hand then gripped my chin, lifting it up just a bit more. A sly smile placed on the delectable lips, I could not help myself anymore. Pulling my chin away from his grasp, I got on my knees so that now I was almost eye level with him. Removing my hands from around his chest, I wrapped them around his neck. “You are such a teaser.” He said, his left hand slowly descending down my back towards my ass.
I let out a mock gasp, and pulled away from him. “Me?” I asked before rolling my eyes and leaning in towards him again. “Your not the first one to say that.” I then murmured, my lips brushing his now, taking his lower lip between my teeth and pulled. Causing a slight whimper from the taller man. As I went to nip his lip again, Zdeno pulled away and hand my back pressed against the wall. Letting out a gasp, I felt lips ravish my neck, while his hands traveled down my chest.
My own hands gripped the fabric of his shirt, not letting go as my eyes closed and I let out a low moan. After the moan, my breath started coming in short gasp, my head lolled to the side, giving him better access to my neck. Jumping slightly as I felt teeth latch to the skin that connected my neck to my shoulder, my yes opened wide as the gasp escaped my lips. His low chuckle brought me back to where we were.
Quickly my hands push against his chest, even though I knew I could not move him. I was hoping that maybe he would respect my wishes and back off. “Zee..” I managed to say, but my voice sounded more like a whine than I wanted it to. “Not here.” I then said, taking in deep breaths, trying to calm down my breathing. It was working slowly, but not as quick as I wanted it to. “Then when do you leave?” Zdeno asked, pulling back a mischievous glint in his green eyes.
Inhaling sharply I watched him, licking my lower lip once, twice, and a third time. “Uh….” I started, ‘Shit, I can’t remember.’ I thought quickly, racking my brain as I tired to remember. Once more, I heard a laugh, bring me out of my train of thought. What was so funny? Well yeah, it was funny that I forgot when we were heading out. But come on, he did not need to laugh at me for it. “Maybe it’s a good thing I asked around.” Zdeno said, his one hand now resting on the small of my back. “You don’t leave until tomorrow afternoon; I think I heard cause of a snow storm that rolled in during the game.”
Nodding my head, I watched him stand up, holding out his hand for me. I took it this time and let him pull me up. Zdeno then started to pull me away, and towards the players parking lot. Quickly grabbing my bag, wondering just where he was taking me, and what he had planned.