Sweet Valley High #119 Jessica’s Older Guy: College Party Miniseries Book 3
This one took forever to recap. It was torture to read this book.
Quick Summary: Jess is dating a college guy and Liz is going to be a college gal.
Cover:
We start off with some back-story. Jess and Liz have been visiting Steven at SVU for the past week. Jess has started dating a SVU junior named Zach Marsden. If he looks anything like James Marsden, send him my way! Zach doesn’t know that Jessica is only in high school and to make matters worse, there is another girl who is interested in Zach. The other girl is an influential member of the Theta Alpha Theta sorority, which Jess hopes to pledge when she actually does go to college. I always thought the sorority should be Theta Iota Theta. ;) Jess has apparently been pre-rushing the sorority during the week and discovered Magda-the TAT girl who likes Zach-liked Zach. So she’s been worried about getting caught with him. And who should walk in to the diner where Zach and Jess are having an awkward dinner? Magda and some other TATs. The TATs get seated, and Jess tries to think of some way to get out of there. It is actually pretty stupid how she is acting, but it’s not like we expected anything else. Let’s just say it involves telling her date she smells fire, rushing him off to the women’s room and trying to push him out a window. And then it starts to rain as he gets stuck. I am embarrassed for all of us.
Jess and Zach make it out without being caught and drive off. Zach is of course baffled and asks if Jess is hiding something-like another boyfriend. Why how convenient of you to remind Jessica of Ken Matthews, her SVH boyfriend. Jess and Ken had been a hot item since her traumatic experience with ex-fiancé Jeremy Randall (books 107-111). Okay, some more exposition from the previous books which involve the Wakefield pater familias and mater familias allowing the twins to go off to SVU for a week to “experience college life.” Steven and live-in girlfriend Billie take off for a weekend and a party is of course thrown. That’s where Jess met Zach and Liz met some journalism guy. Liz and the journalism guy hit it off so well, that Liz has been attending seminars and stuff all week and has decided to stay at SVU rather than going back to SVH to finish out her junior and senior years. Seems she won an essay contest and the prize was an internship at a nationally distributed newspaper (I actually typed “disturbed” instead of “distributed” at first.) Jess thinks of reasons that Liz can’t stay but Liz ignores her poo-poo-ing. Jess’ major reason for not wanting Liz to leave is that will leave her the sole focus of their parents’ attention and thus she won’t be able to get away with anything.
We then cut to the scene where Todd hangs up the phone looking “white as a sheet.” We find out that with Liz not around, he has been watching tons of TV and it is only going to get worse. She has just called to tell him that she isn’t coming home. We also get updated on Todd’s mess of a future because he broke his ankle in front of a bunch of college scouts and has been in a cast ever since. The more Todd thinks of it, the more he fills with rage. He throws stuff around the room but doesn’t punch anyone mores the pity. Then there is a REALLY pathetic scene where Todd takes his car out for aimless driving and thinking about his relationship with Liz. It is just awful and includes the line, “A sense of empty desolation washed over him, and a tear ran down his face.” God, and we learn that Todd has been marking the days until Liz returns with big Xs on his calendar. She’s only been gone for a week, you loser! Geez, I don’t know what ghostwriter wrote this one, but they are a heavy-handed/ham-handed hack.
Back to Jess and her cheatin’ heart. Another date with Zach where she fails to mention her boyfriend at home, her true age, and the fact that she’ll be leaving after the weekend. Jess then has a great idea and runs off to find Liz. Liz, meanwhile, is floating around the school rather than walking because some big-name professor told her she had talent. Elizabeth’s ruminations about her future are interrupted by Jess. Jess has come to tell Liz her great idea-Jess is going to take the GED too, and they can both come to college together! Okay, I’ll pause now while you finish laughing. Jess also has a plan to get Liz into the Thetas by fixing her up with a Zeta for their big formal during the coming weekend.
Liz drools over the Lexis/Nexis machine in the college newsroom. She also thinks to herself that she is now “in the real world!” Oh Liz, you are so cute. She wanders around looking for her new boss and wonders what kind of story she’ll get to work on first. Her boss is every stereotype in the book, middle age, overweight, jowls, and cigar. He also ogles Liz. He continues to sexually harass her as he goes over her resume, and she storms out of the office. [snort] Only in fantasyland---she mostly sits there and takes it. And stews a bit. He tells her to get him some coffee and calls her sweetheart, honeybunch, and dolly. Did I mention the writer was a hack?
Jessica is having lunch with the Thetas. A good page or two is spent describing the mansion and opulence in which the sorority girls live. Everyone is really nice to Jess besides Magda. Jess concludes that Magda saw her on her date with Zach and so quickly makes up a story about how Liz went out that night with some guy while she stayed home with her brother and his girlfriend. Now Magda thinks it is Liz who is moving in on her man and not Jessica. Jess continues to talk down her sister, calling her a man chaser and basically assigns all her own traits and schemes to Liz. With Magda now liking her because she thinks it is Liz she should hate, Jess is in the thick of things with the Thetas. They are going to find her a date for the Zeta party.
Back at SVH, Liz’s friends are shocked by the news that she might not return. Caroline Pierce suggests that it might not be only a job that is keeping Liz in college-maybe she’s met a guy. Everyone smacks her down right smart, but really, considering Liz’s reputation for cheating, I’d guess Caroline would be pretty accurate. Well, Todd storms off and Ken thinks about how perfect he and Jessica are together. It is pretty soppy and dumb and I just can’t bring myself to paraphrase it any better than that.
Back to Jess-she is worried about having to break the news to Ken that she isn’t going to be coming back. Turns out Jessica got really high scores on the SATs and no one believed her. Now I have to go find those other books and find out what her score was. Jess calls Ken and eventually tells him that she isn’t coming back either. She can join the sorority, the cheerleading squad, and be in the plays. Uh, when are you going to go to class? And don’t you have to be accepted first? Jess has to hang up because her date is there though she doesn’t actually tell Ken that. Poor Ken.
Liz is at a poetry reading. I am not going to recreate the poem in the book, but goshums, it is some quality shit. ;) Lord, then the college students begin debating the pros of a Marxist ideology. That is even dumber than the poem if such a thing were possible. It includes the words “indoctrinated” and “white male power elite” and kinda makes me want to toss my cookies. And then the little tossers go on to say how freedom of the press isn’t good because that means they have to hear hate speech and sexist remarks. Really, it is just awful the stereotypes this author is latching on to. But anyway, Liz feels like a total dunce for not having read all of Marx’s papers and a bunch of other books that the college kids’ raving Intro to Whatever teachers assigned them to push their agendas. Can you tell that I am a bit fed-up by the entire scene?
Back in Sweet Valley (and why the heck is Sweet Valley University not in Sweet Valley? Is it up on Sweet Mountain or on Sweet Plain?), Todd and Ken are still acting pathetic. You’d think they had never broken up with a girl before. Ken even blows off football practice because “football doesn’t have much meaning without Jessica around.” Gag me with a spoon. All is not lost because Lila arrives on the scene, calls the boys pathetic, and has come up with a plan. (Seriously guys, I was about to kill myself, this book is so bad. If it weren’t for Lila’s entrance there, I would have skipped to the end and just written about that.)
Lila’s first plan is to kidnap the twins and bring them back to SV. That won’t work because the more you tell Jessica not to do something, the more she wants to do it. Their second plan is to sabotage their college experience. Enid nixes that one saying it would be too difficult and the twins would end up hating them all. Idea 3 is guilt. But “guilt only works on one Wakefield twin,” said Lila. You are so right, girl! Idea 4 is reverse psychology-let the twins think that they aren’t wanted back in SV. Not a bad plan, all things considered.
Back at SVU, Jessica and Zach are walking on the beach. Guess SVU isn’t on a mountaintop. Jessica told Zach that she went to Princeton and transferred to SVU and so has to keep dodging his questions because he lived in New Jersey. Where Princeton is. Jess also keeps thinking about Ken when she is with Zach and just can’t understand what is wrong with her. Elizabeth receives a call from Enid who lays it on thick. No more this and no more that, and Liz is so lucky to be starting her adult life and not have to do the dumb things with the little high school paper, and Olivia and Harry broke up but you wouldn’t want to hear that high school gossip, but this change might be good for me because now I’ll be the smartest girl in school, and oh, by the way, can I have your column, Liz? Yeah, Enid was golden. That night Liz is fretting about her decision and Jessica starts talking about sharing an apartment (mum and dad will pay for it I guess?) and having parties all the time and painting it. Liz is feeling guilty about leaving all her friends and family and Jess has no remorse about her lies to Zach, Magda, or her two-timing of Ken. And the people at SVH want this girl back, why?
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Jess has a dream which is very purple prose-y and full of imagery. It is about Ken trying to pull her back to home and safety and fun with Lila and the gang and Zach coming out of the ocean like a god (that’s what they said!) and luring her “with a sexy voice” toward the ocean and adventure. Jess isn’t sure what it means but she knows that having two guys is a good thing. Right? Jess tells her dream to Liz and Liz says that she is probably torn between the two guys. Oh, Freud Wakefield, you so smrt! The two hear singing and find Billie and Steven making breakfast. They are so happy that Liz and Jess have decided to go to college that they made them celebratory tofu for breakfast! The food, plus Steven’s disgusting protein shake are perfect for getting you going after the all-nighters you have to pull three or four times a week.
Back at Sweet Valley High, Todd is gathering people for their Operation Get the Wakefield Twins Back to Sweet Valley High. Unfortunately, he runs into Heather Malone’s intransigence. She has scheduled a practice for when Todd wanted the cheerleaders to help and isn’t going to cancel it. Todd wants to punch her, but instead decides to sic Lila on her. They gather to discuss the plan. They are going to remind the twins of what they are leaving behind. One thing they say is that mentioning Mr. Collins is sure to work on Liz. If you’re nasty. Someone suggests using pictures and illustrations to remind them, and Todd offers the use of his slide projector. Todd, you are such a loser! Lila goes to work on Heather. I like Heather. She calls Jessica “Jessie” and the twins the Wakefield twinkies. She does cooperate by telling Lila to tell Jessica that she’ll be glad she’s gone so she (Heather) can be the only captain of the cheerleading squad. Lila figures that’ll get Jess back if anything will. Todd the loser comes up and says the Wakefield parents are on board with the plan, and Steven is so desperate to get the girls out of his apartment that he is letting all of Sweet Valley High crash at his apartment on Saturday. Oh, noes, Saturday is the day of the formal party!
Comedy gold! Jess and Liz finally summon the courage to tell their parents on Thursday. Alice is so happy because “she feels younger” without the girls around and it is “a relief to not have to worry about parental duties.” As if she ever did! Alice goes on to say that she and Ned are glad for a break in parenting and might take the trip to Europe they always talked about. Too bad for the girls though because they won’t get to live in the freshman dorms, or have a senior prom or graduation.
Ken and the crew are making party favors. (? I guess for the party they are going to throw when they get to SVU?) Ken starts to wonder why Jessica wants to stay. It isn’t for academics and all the other stuff (cheerleading, sorority, theater) are all things she can do at SVH---something just isn’t right. But he can’t put his finger on what it is. While trying to make the cake for the party, Lila calls Todd a Philistine and Todd calls Lila a snob. There is some suppressed sexual tension there I bet.
Liz is still trying to do her internship. She arrives at 845 because it was suggested she put in a full day to see if she can do it. When do these newspaper kids go to class? Despite the previous, obvious ogling from her sexist boss, she wears a skirt. It is part of a demure suit, but despite its librarianish qualities, her boss continues to be a sexist ass. He has her take over for his secretary who is out and her assignment for the day (besides answering phones) is to stuff a thousand or so envelopes. Liz is outraged because she is an intern not an office assistant but not offended enough to actually complain. She spends the day licking envelopes, trying to fax things and listening to her boss’ stupid, sexist comments, telling herself that she has to earn respect. Finally, by the end of the day, she has had it. But only after he says, “Can’t you do anything, doll face?” he asked shaking his head and looking at her with a leer. “Or do you just stand there looking good?” She shouts at him telling him he is living in the past and that sexual harassment is not the norm, it is a crime! A nice crowd gathers to listen to her let him have it. Then, she quits the job and storms out of the office thinking that she might have lost the job, but at least she gained some respect. For the record, here is a list of all the things the boss called Liz on this particular day: dolly, sugar bun, sugar, babe, doll face, doll, dearie, doll face (again? Ghostwriter must’ve run out of sexist terms), sweetheart, sweetheart, and doll face (a third time? Lame.)
Later that evening, Liz has apparently put the newspaper behind her because she and Jess and Steven and Billie are at a football game. Steven keeps introducing Jess and Liz as his “little sisters” to every second person they meet. Jess is worried that Zach might somehow hear about it. One interesting thing is that the Vanguard’s quarterback is Tom Watts. I don’t know why I thought he was in the same grade as Liz and Jess, but I did. Jessica isn’t finding the game all that interesting-she doesn’t know any of the players and isn’t really interested in whether they beat the other team or not. If the quarterback were Ken, she’d be interested but since it is an unknown Tom Watts, she doesn’t give a rat’s arse. The only thing Jess is interested in is the cheerleading squad. They are awesome and Jess hopes to make it on the team. Billie tells her she’ll have to practice and wait until next fall because this year’s team was already picked. That doesn’t sit well with Jessica. She goes off to find Liz and begins to compliment her about her outfit. Liz then knows Jess is up to something but first tells Jessica that she quit her internship. Now she won’t get to work with the well-known professor that got her the job. Because the professor is a female and certainly would have wanted Liz to stay in a sexist atmosphere. Riiiight. Anyway, Jess has a way to cheer Liz up, double date to the Zeta formal! Jessica’s plan is for Jessica to go as Elizabeth with Zach and for Elizabeth to go as Jessica with Magda. Zach will still be with Jessica and Magda will think she is with Jessica. Liz doesn’t buy into it and tells Jess no way, José.
Saturday morning, the crew from SVH is ready to go to SVU. There is some dumb interplay that seems designed just to extend the book, and they go over their plan. While the twins are away at some fraternity thing, the crew will set up a surprise party. They’ll play the slideshow and then, when the twins are feeling sad, break into a party and make them envious. Everyone thinks it is a great plan.
Liz and Jess are looking for dresses for the formal. Only Jess is going but she keeps trying to convince Liz. She finds a pretty pink dress for Liz and a slinky dress for herself and then guilt-trips Liz into going to the party. Liz finally gives in (okay, it took her all of about two minutes to cave) but says that Jessica has to buy the dresses. Jessica agrees and uses her “emergency” credit card. Ned and Alice were idiots to give that girl a credit card. Liz smiles as she enables her sister. That evening, the two prepare for the dance. Zach arrives and apparently Jessica told him that Liz was her little sister-he says the resemblance is uncanny. Jessica is wearing Liz’s pink froufy dress and has dressed Liz up in the black skanky dress to make the switch less obvious. Jess takes off with her date and Liz frets in the skanky dress. Magda and two guys arrive. Liz is so embarrassed by the dress, but she tries to play it off like Jess would. She also compliments Magda’s dress which is apparently really lovely. The four head off but Liz-as-Jess warns Magda that Jess-as-Liz-as-Jess (?) is going to be there with Zach Marsden.
Ken and Todd and crew are putting up the decorations for the party. Ken is still trying to figure out how Jessica knew frat guys and got invited to a frat party. Ken is apparently really slow. Ken thinks that if Jessica comes back to the apartment with another guy he’ll be heartbroken and embarrassed. Poor Ken. Ken’s brilliant idea to keep that from happening is to surprise the girls at the fraternity. Ken is really dumb. But smart I guess. But mostly dumb. Good thing they apparently know where the party is being held.
At the party, Liz is trying to not die of embarrassment as she is groped by her date. She is also furious because she talked to Madga who told her about what Jessica had told her about “Elizabeth.” Jessica is having a good time but keeps thinking about Ken. Liz-as-Jess is waved over by Magda. Magda has some news. Turns out “Elizabeth” is actually doing Magda a favor. Zach is not a junior in college; he is a junior in high school who has an older brother in the Zeta frat. The guys thought it would be funny to pass Zach off as a college student. Liz is thrilled to know that Jessica has been scammed and can’t wait to see her face when Magda tells her Zach’s true age.
Todd and Ken find the Zeta house. Turns out Billie gave them directions. Bad form, Billie. Ken and Todd realize that the door guards aren’t going to let them in-they aren’t in formal wear and aren’t college guys. A brilliant plan is formed and they decide to scale the ivy and crash the party. They get to a window where they can see into the ballroom and look for the twins. They see Jessica in her skank-wear looking miserable and Elizabeth at the center of the dance floor flirting with another guy. Todd kicks the building with his cast (he has a broken foot remember) and then stomps off. He thinks the everything was a lie-the internship and everything. He says that if she wants Mr. Big-Man-on-Campus she can have him. Ken asks if Liz means anything to him and if so, why is he giving up without a fight. Todd agrees and they decide to get into the party and find out the truth once and of all.
Liz is being bored out of her mind by her date when there is a commotion at the door. She looks over and sees Todd. She throws herself into his arms and he is all “Jessica?” Eventually he realizes it is Elizabeth but gets into a fight with her date because the date thinks that she is “his tonight.” Three other frat brothers come by and throw Todd out onto the lawn. Todd doesn’t get to punch anyone. Ken confronts Jessica on the dance floor. She tries to brush it off as a blind date to get into a sorority but Ken doesn’t buy it and storms off. At this point, Jessica realizes who she really cares about and it isn’t Zach.
Liz doesn’t know whether to go after Todd or get Jessica and decides to first get Jess and then go after Todd. She goes up to Jess just as Magda is breaking the news about Zach. Jess screams at Zach that he lied and he screams back that she lied to him. In the middle of the dance floor? I thought they were in high school not preschool. Well they both realize they are both big liars and hypocrites and toast to honesty. They start laughing and hope they can meet again in a few years when they are both freshmen at the college. Jess and Liz then belatedly head off to find their boyfriends. They can’t find them anywhere and decide to head back to the apartment. Without a car. In heels and Liz in a really skimpy outfit. At night. SMRT. Jess wonders what lie she can tell Ken so she’ll get him back. Liz yells at her to tell the truth. Jess tries to cajole her into coming up with a story but Liz-the-doormat becomes slightly less of a doormat and won’t give in. For once.
Back at the apartment, all their SVH friends surprise them. Enid goes up to Jessica and gives her a Queen Elizabeth crown. Liz can’t understand why Amy is putting a Sister Jessica nun-hat on her head until she remembers the outfits. They trade hats and point at each other. I wouldn’t mind seeing that scene acted out. The group starts the “This is Your Life” slideshow but Ken and Todd are nowhere to be found. Maybe Todd is out punching things. One can dream. The slides show the cheerleaders which makes Jess get quiet and then the Oracle which makes Liz get quiet. Bruce threatens to clobber Jessica because of a put-down, which is just charming in a man. The next slides are of all the friends in the Jeep, then the two couples doing fun things, then Liz and Todd making out and Jess and Ken making out. Eeeww? At least it isn’t Todd and Ken making out though that really wouldn’t surprise me. Liz is all teary and even Jess is misty. Then it is on to the next part of the plan where Enid tells Liz how happy she is for her and her new job and how happy she is that Mr. Collins (if you’re nasty) has already said she could have Liz’s column. And Lila mentions how happy Heather is to be the only captain of the team. Jess counters that you can’t have only one captain so Amy chirps up asking for the job. Jess and Liz figure out what is going on because of the complete lack of subtlety but are happy that their friends don’t really want to get rid of them.
Todd arrives at the party and says that Ken is outside and Jess had better hurry if she wants to catch him. Jess chases after the car and Ken actually slows down to talk to her. Moron. Ken tries to pull away but Jess jumps into the car. She tells him that she was dating a guy here at SVU. It was because she felt that the SVU guy thought she was smart and beautiful and she was still mad that Ken hadn’t believed her about the SAT scores. She also thought it would be fun to date an older guy. Ken isn’t thrilled with that and when Jess tells him that the guy wasn’t actually older, he says that just because he wasn’t older doesn’t mean that Ken is going to be toyed with. Jess tells him that she isn’t just keeping him around until she finds someone better---it didn’t work with Zach because she kept thinking about Ken whenever she was with Zach. She says that she learned the hard way that Ken was the one she wanted and begs for forgiveness. Ken forgives her, and they smooch.
Back at the apartment, Todd has taken Liz into Steven and Billie’s room and pushed her down on the bed and kissed her. My goodness, with all their friends there, this is the time they pick? He is apparently all turned on by her skanky dress. He’s never seen her in anything like it. Liz outlines Jessica’s scheme, and Todd is an idiot because he can’t figure out why Liz was being Jessica and Jessica was being Jessica to everyone except Magda. And I thought Ken was slow. Jessica and Ken return and Liz makes sure Jessica told him the truth. She says that she told him it was a rush gag---but then tells Liz that yes, she told him the truth. Liz asks if Jessica has learned anything. Jessica calls Liz pedantic which is a clear indication that she must’ve done well on the SATs if she can use that word in conversation correctly. Liz and Jess think that college is going to suck now that they have to leave their boyfriends and Liz has messed up her internship and Jessica can’t be on the cheerleading squad. They decide (in less than one page) that they will be going back to Sweet Valley the next day to get their old lives back. They don’t tell everyone their plan has worked because, after all, why waste all the attention? The book then ends. Thank God.
ARGH! I hated this book. It was torture. Besides the purple prose, the lame plotline, the lack of real conclusion (Liz’s internship should have had more of an ending than just her storming out), the lameness of Todd and Ken, the college stereotypes, the minute bit of Lila…yech. I can’t believe they dragged this plot over three books. I don’t recommend this book to anyone with a functioning brain. On the positive side, this book contained both a dance and a party!
Quick Summary: Jess is dating a college guy and Liz is going to be a college gal.
Cover:
We start off with some back-story. Jess and Liz have been visiting Steven at SVU for the past week. Jess has started dating a SVU junior named Zach Marsden. If he looks anything like James Marsden, send him my way! Zach doesn’t know that Jessica is only in high school and to make matters worse, there is another girl who is interested in Zach. The other girl is an influential member of the Theta Alpha Theta sorority, which Jess hopes to pledge when she actually does go to college. I always thought the sorority should be Theta Iota Theta. ;) Jess has apparently been pre-rushing the sorority during the week and discovered Magda-the TAT girl who likes Zach-liked Zach. So she’s been worried about getting caught with him. And who should walk in to the diner where Zach and Jess are having an awkward dinner? Magda and some other TATs. The TATs get seated, and Jess tries to think of some way to get out of there. It is actually pretty stupid how she is acting, but it’s not like we expected anything else. Let’s just say it involves telling her date she smells fire, rushing him off to the women’s room and trying to push him out a window. And then it starts to rain as he gets stuck. I am embarrassed for all of us.
Jess and Zach make it out without being caught and drive off. Zach is of course baffled and asks if Jess is hiding something-like another boyfriend. Why how convenient of you to remind Jessica of Ken Matthews, her SVH boyfriend. Jess and Ken had been a hot item since her traumatic experience with ex-fiancé Jeremy Randall (books 107-111). Okay, some more exposition from the previous books which involve the Wakefield pater familias and mater familias allowing the twins to go off to SVU for a week to “experience college life.” Steven and live-in girlfriend Billie take off for a weekend and a party is of course thrown. That’s where Jess met Zach and Liz met some journalism guy. Liz and the journalism guy hit it off so well, that Liz has been attending seminars and stuff all week and has decided to stay at SVU rather than going back to SVH to finish out her junior and senior years. Seems she won an essay contest and the prize was an internship at a nationally distributed newspaper (I actually typed “disturbed” instead of “distributed” at first.) Jess thinks of reasons that Liz can’t stay but Liz ignores her poo-poo-ing. Jess’ major reason for not wanting Liz to leave is that will leave her the sole focus of their parents’ attention and thus she won’t be able to get away with anything.
We then cut to the scene where Todd hangs up the phone looking “white as a sheet.” We find out that with Liz not around, he has been watching tons of TV and it is only going to get worse. She has just called to tell him that she isn’t coming home. We also get updated on Todd’s mess of a future because he broke his ankle in front of a bunch of college scouts and has been in a cast ever since. The more Todd thinks of it, the more he fills with rage. He throws stuff around the room but doesn’t punch anyone mores the pity. Then there is a REALLY pathetic scene where Todd takes his car out for aimless driving and thinking about his relationship with Liz. It is just awful and includes the line, “A sense of empty desolation washed over him, and a tear ran down his face.” God, and we learn that Todd has been marking the days until Liz returns with big Xs on his calendar. She’s only been gone for a week, you loser! Geez, I don’t know what ghostwriter wrote this one, but they are a heavy-handed/ham-handed hack.
Back to Jess and her cheatin’ heart. Another date with Zach where she fails to mention her boyfriend at home, her true age, and the fact that she’ll be leaving after the weekend. Jess then has a great idea and runs off to find Liz. Liz, meanwhile, is floating around the school rather than walking because some big-name professor told her she had talent. Elizabeth’s ruminations about her future are interrupted by Jess. Jess has come to tell Liz her great idea-Jess is going to take the GED too, and they can both come to college together! Okay, I’ll pause now while you finish laughing. Jess also has a plan to get Liz into the Thetas by fixing her up with a Zeta for their big formal during the coming weekend.
Liz drools over the Lexis/Nexis machine in the college newsroom. She also thinks to herself that she is now “in the real world!” Oh Liz, you are so cute. She wanders around looking for her new boss and wonders what kind of story she’ll get to work on first. Her boss is every stereotype in the book, middle age, overweight, jowls, and cigar. He also ogles Liz. He continues to sexually harass her as he goes over her resume, and she storms out of the office. [snort] Only in fantasyland---she mostly sits there and takes it. And stews a bit. He tells her to get him some coffee and calls her sweetheart, honeybunch, and dolly. Did I mention the writer was a hack?
Jessica is having lunch with the Thetas. A good page or two is spent describing the mansion and opulence in which the sorority girls live. Everyone is really nice to Jess besides Magda. Jess concludes that Magda saw her on her date with Zach and so quickly makes up a story about how Liz went out that night with some guy while she stayed home with her brother and his girlfriend. Now Magda thinks it is Liz who is moving in on her man and not Jessica. Jess continues to talk down her sister, calling her a man chaser and basically assigns all her own traits and schemes to Liz. With Magda now liking her because she thinks it is Liz she should hate, Jess is in the thick of things with the Thetas. They are going to find her a date for the Zeta party.
Back at SVH, Liz’s friends are shocked by the news that she might not return. Caroline Pierce suggests that it might not be only a job that is keeping Liz in college-maybe she’s met a guy. Everyone smacks her down right smart, but really, considering Liz’s reputation for cheating, I’d guess Caroline would be pretty accurate. Well, Todd storms off and Ken thinks about how perfect he and Jessica are together. It is pretty soppy and dumb and I just can’t bring myself to paraphrase it any better than that.
Back to Jess-she is worried about having to break the news to Ken that she isn’t going to be coming back. Turns out Jessica got really high scores on the SATs and no one believed her. Now I have to go find those other books and find out what her score was. Jess calls Ken and eventually tells him that she isn’t coming back either. She can join the sorority, the cheerleading squad, and be in the plays. Uh, when are you going to go to class? And don’t you have to be accepted first? Jess has to hang up because her date is there though she doesn’t actually tell Ken that. Poor Ken.
Liz is at a poetry reading. I am not going to recreate the poem in the book, but goshums, it is some quality shit. ;) Lord, then the college students begin debating the pros of a Marxist ideology. That is even dumber than the poem if such a thing were possible. It includes the words “indoctrinated” and “white male power elite” and kinda makes me want to toss my cookies. And then the little tossers go on to say how freedom of the press isn’t good because that means they have to hear hate speech and sexist remarks. Really, it is just awful the stereotypes this author is latching on to. But anyway, Liz feels like a total dunce for not having read all of Marx’s papers and a bunch of other books that the college kids’ raving Intro to Whatever teachers assigned them to push their agendas. Can you tell that I am a bit fed-up by the entire scene?
Back in Sweet Valley (and why the heck is Sweet Valley University not in Sweet Valley? Is it up on Sweet Mountain or on Sweet Plain?), Todd and Ken are still acting pathetic. You’d think they had never broken up with a girl before. Ken even blows off football practice because “football doesn’t have much meaning without Jessica around.” Gag me with a spoon. All is not lost because Lila arrives on the scene, calls the boys pathetic, and has come up with a plan. (Seriously guys, I was about to kill myself, this book is so bad. If it weren’t for Lila’s entrance there, I would have skipped to the end and just written about that.)
Lila’s first plan is to kidnap the twins and bring them back to SV. That won’t work because the more you tell Jessica not to do something, the more she wants to do it. Their second plan is to sabotage their college experience. Enid nixes that one saying it would be too difficult and the twins would end up hating them all. Idea 3 is guilt. But “guilt only works on one Wakefield twin,” said Lila. You are so right, girl! Idea 4 is reverse psychology-let the twins think that they aren’t wanted back in SV. Not a bad plan, all things considered.
Back at SVU, Jessica and Zach are walking on the beach. Guess SVU isn’t on a mountaintop. Jessica told Zach that she went to Princeton and transferred to SVU and so has to keep dodging his questions because he lived in New Jersey. Where Princeton is. Jess also keeps thinking about Ken when she is with Zach and just can’t understand what is wrong with her. Elizabeth receives a call from Enid who lays it on thick. No more this and no more that, and Liz is so lucky to be starting her adult life and not have to do the dumb things with the little high school paper, and Olivia and Harry broke up but you wouldn’t want to hear that high school gossip, but this change might be good for me because now I’ll be the smartest girl in school, and oh, by the way, can I have your column, Liz? Yeah, Enid was golden. That night Liz is fretting about her decision and Jessica starts talking about sharing an apartment (mum and dad will pay for it I guess?) and having parties all the time and painting it. Liz is feeling guilty about leaving all her friends and family and Jess has no remorse about her lies to Zach, Magda, or her two-timing of Ken. And the people at SVH want this girl back, why?
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Jess has a dream which is very purple prose-y and full of imagery. It is about Ken trying to pull her back to home and safety and fun with Lila and the gang and Zach coming out of the ocean like a god (that’s what they said!) and luring her “with a sexy voice” toward the ocean and adventure. Jess isn’t sure what it means but she knows that having two guys is a good thing. Right? Jess tells her dream to Liz and Liz says that she is probably torn between the two guys. Oh, Freud Wakefield, you so smrt! The two hear singing and find Billie and Steven making breakfast. They are so happy that Liz and Jess have decided to go to college that they made them celebratory tofu for breakfast! The food, plus Steven’s disgusting protein shake are perfect for getting you going after the all-nighters you have to pull three or four times a week.
Back at Sweet Valley High, Todd is gathering people for their Operation Get the Wakefield Twins Back to Sweet Valley High. Unfortunately, he runs into Heather Malone’s intransigence. She has scheduled a practice for when Todd wanted the cheerleaders to help and isn’t going to cancel it. Todd wants to punch her, but instead decides to sic Lila on her. They gather to discuss the plan. They are going to remind the twins of what they are leaving behind. One thing they say is that mentioning Mr. Collins is sure to work on Liz. If you’re nasty. Someone suggests using pictures and illustrations to remind them, and Todd offers the use of his slide projector. Todd, you are such a loser! Lila goes to work on Heather. I like Heather. She calls Jessica “Jessie” and the twins the Wakefield twinkies. She does cooperate by telling Lila to tell Jessica that she’ll be glad she’s gone so she (Heather) can be the only captain of the cheerleading squad. Lila figures that’ll get Jess back if anything will. Todd the loser comes up and says the Wakefield parents are on board with the plan, and Steven is so desperate to get the girls out of his apartment that he is letting all of Sweet Valley High crash at his apartment on Saturday. Oh, noes, Saturday is the day of the formal party!
Comedy gold! Jess and Liz finally summon the courage to tell their parents on Thursday. Alice is so happy because “she feels younger” without the girls around and it is “a relief to not have to worry about parental duties.” As if she ever did! Alice goes on to say that she and Ned are glad for a break in parenting and might take the trip to Europe they always talked about. Too bad for the girls though because they won’t get to live in the freshman dorms, or have a senior prom or graduation.
Ken and the crew are making party favors. (? I guess for the party they are going to throw when they get to SVU?) Ken starts to wonder why Jessica wants to stay. It isn’t for academics and all the other stuff (cheerleading, sorority, theater) are all things she can do at SVH---something just isn’t right. But he can’t put his finger on what it is. While trying to make the cake for the party, Lila calls Todd a Philistine and Todd calls Lila a snob. There is some suppressed sexual tension there I bet.
Liz is still trying to do her internship. She arrives at 845 because it was suggested she put in a full day to see if she can do it. When do these newspaper kids go to class? Despite the previous, obvious ogling from her sexist boss, she wears a skirt. It is part of a demure suit, but despite its librarianish qualities, her boss continues to be a sexist ass. He has her take over for his secretary who is out and her assignment for the day (besides answering phones) is to stuff a thousand or so envelopes. Liz is outraged because she is an intern not an office assistant but not offended enough to actually complain. She spends the day licking envelopes, trying to fax things and listening to her boss’ stupid, sexist comments, telling herself that she has to earn respect. Finally, by the end of the day, she has had it. But only after he says, “Can’t you do anything, doll face?” he asked shaking his head and looking at her with a leer. “Or do you just stand there looking good?” She shouts at him telling him he is living in the past and that sexual harassment is not the norm, it is a crime! A nice crowd gathers to listen to her let him have it. Then, she quits the job and storms out of the office thinking that she might have lost the job, but at least she gained some respect. For the record, here is a list of all the things the boss called Liz on this particular day: dolly, sugar bun, sugar, babe, doll face, doll, dearie, doll face (again? Ghostwriter must’ve run out of sexist terms), sweetheart, sweetheart, and doll face (a third time? Lame.)
Later that evening, Liz has apparently put the newspaper behind her because she and Jess and Steven and Billie are at a football game. Steven keeps introducing Jess and Liz as his “little sisters” to every second person they meet. Jess is worried that Zach might somehow hear about it. One interesting thing is that the Vanguard’s quarterback is Tom Watts. I don’t know why I thought he was in the same grade as Liz and Jess, but I did. Jessica isn’t finding the game all that interesting-she doesn’t know any of the players and isn’t really interested in whether they beat the other team or not. If the quarterback were Ken, she’d be interested but since it is an unknown Tom Watts, she doesn’t give a rat’s arse. The only thing Jess is interested in is the cheerleading squad. They are awesome and Jess hopes to make it on the team. Billie tells her she’ll have to practice and wait until next fall because this year’s team was already picked. That doesn’t sit well with Jessica. She goes off to find Liz and begins to compliment her about her outfit. Liz then knows Jess is up to something but first tells Jessica that she quit her internship. Now she won’t get to work with the well-known professor that got her the job. Because the professor is a female and certainly would have wanted Liz to stay in a sexist atmosphere. Riiiight. Anyway, Jess has a way to cheer Liz up, double date to the Zeta formal! Jessica’s plan is for Jessica to go as Elizabeth with Zach and for Elizabeth to go as Jessica with Magda. Zach will still be with Jessica and Magda will think she is with Jessica. Liz doesn’t buy into it and tells Jess no way, José.
Saturday morning, the crew from SVH is ready to go to SVU. There is some dumb interplay that seems designed just to extend the book, and they go over their plan. While the twins are away at some fraternity thing, the crew will set up a surprise party. They’ll play the slideshow and then, when the twins are feeling sad, break into a party and make them envious. Everyone thinks it is a great plan.
Liz and Jess are looking for dresses for the formal. Only Jess is going but she keeps trying to convince Liz. She finds a pretty pink dress for Liz and a slinky dress for herself and then guilt-trips Liz into going to the party. Liz finally gives in (okay, it took her all of about two minutes to cave) but says that Jessica has to buy the dresses. Jessica agrees and uses her “emergency” credit card. Ned and Alice were idiots to give that girl a credit card. Liz smiles as she enables her sister. That evening, the two prepare for the dance. Zach arrives and apparently Jessica told him that Liz was her little sister-he says the resemblance is uncanny. Jessica is wearing Liz’s pink froufy dress and has dressed Liz up in the black skanky dress to make the switch less obvious. Jess takes off with her date and Liz frets in the skanky dress. Magda and two guys arrive. Liz is so embarrassed by the dress, but she tries to play it off like Jess would. She also compliments Magda’s dress which is apparently really lovely. The four head off but Liz-as-Jess warns Magda that Jess-as-Liz-as-Jess (?) is going to be there with Zach Marsden.
Ken and Todd and crew are putting up the decorations for the party. Ken is still trying to figure out how Jessica knew frat guys and got invited to a frat party. Ken is apparently really slow. Ken thinks that if Jessica comes back to the apartment with another guy he’ll be heartbroken and embarrassed. Poor Ken. Ken’s brilliant idea to keep that from happening is to surprise the girls at the fraternity. Ken is really dumb. But smart I guess. But mostly dumb. Good thing they apparently know where the party is being held.
At the party, Liz is trying to not die of embarrassment as she is groped by her date. She is also furious because she talked to Madga who told her about what Jessica had told her about “Elizabeth.” Jessica is having a good time but keeps thinking about Ken. Liz-as-Jess is waved over by Magda. Magda has some news. Turns out “Elizabeth” is actually doing Magda a favor. Zach is not a junior in college; he is a junior in high school who has an older brother in the Zeta frat. The guys thought it would be funny to pass Zach off as a college student. Liz is thrilled to know that Jessica has been scammed and can’t wait to see her face when Magda tells her Zach’s true age.
Todd and Ken find the Zeta house. Turns out Billie gave them directions. Bad form, Billie. Ken and Todd realize that the door guards aren’t going to let them in-they aren’t in formal wear and aren’t college guys. A brilliant plan is formed and they decide to scale the ivy and crash the party. They get to a window where they can see into the ballroom and look for the twins. They see Jessica in her skank-wear looking miserable and Elizabeth at the center of the dance floor flirting with another guy. Todd kicks the building with his cast (he has a broken foot remember) and then stomps off. He thinks the everything was a lie-the internship and everything. He says that if she wants Mr. Big-Man-on-Campus she can have him. Ken asks if Liz means anything to him and if so, why is he giving up without a fight. Todd agrees and they decide to get into the party and find out the truth once and of all.
Liz is being bored out of her mind by her date when there is a commotion at the door. She looks over and sees Todd. She throws herself into his arms and he is all “Jessica?” Eventually he realizes it is Elizabeth but gets into a fight with her date because the date thinks that she is “his tonight.” Three other frat brothers come by and throw Todd out onto the lawn. Todd doesn’t get to punch anyone. Ken confronts Jessica on the dance floor. She tries to brush it off as a blind date to get into a sorority but Ken doesn’t buy it and storms off. At this point, Jessica realizes who she really cares about and it isn’t Zach.
Liz doesn’t know whether to go after Todd or get Jessica and decides to first get Jess and then go after Todd. She goes up to Jess just as Magda is breaking the news about Zach. Jess screams at Zach that he lied and he screams back that she lied to him. In the middle of the dance floor? I thought they were in high school not preschool. Well they both realize they are both big liars and hypocrites and toast to honesty. They start laughing and hope they can meet again in a few years when they are both freshmen at the college. Jess and Liz then belatedly head off to find their boyfriends. They can’t find them anywhere and decide to head back to the apartment. Without a car. In heels and Liz in a really skimpy outfit. At night. SMRT. Jess wonders what lie she can tell Ken so she’ll get him back. Liz yells at her to tell the truth. Jess tries to cajole her into coming up with a story but Liz-the-doormat becomes slightly less of a doormat and won’t give in. For once.
Back at the apartment, all their SVH friends surprise them. Enid goes up to Jessica and gives her a Queen Elizabeth crown. Liz can’t understand why Amy is putting a Sister Jessica nun-hat on her head until she remembers the outfits. They trade hats and point at each other. I wouldn’t mind seeing that scene acted out. The group starts the “This is Your Life” slideshow but Ken and Todd are nowhere to be found. Maybe Todd is out punching things. One can dream. The slides show the cheerleaders which makes Jess get quiet and then the Oracle which makes Liz get quiet. Bruce threatens to clobber Jessica because of a put-down, which is just charming in a man. The next slides are of all the friends in the Jeep, then the two couples doing fun things, then Liz and Todd making out and Jess and Ken making out. Eeeww? At least it isn’t Todd and Ken making out though that really wouldn’t surprise me. Liz is all teary and even Jess is misty. Then it is on to the next part of the plan where Enid tells Liz how happy she is for her and her new job and how happy she is that Mr. Collins (if you’re nasty) has already said she could have Liz’s column. And Lila mentions how happy Heather is to be the only captain of the team. Jess counters that you can’t have only one captain so Amy chirps up asking for the job. Jess and Liz figure out what is going on because of the complete lack of subtlety but are happy that their friends don’t really want to get rid of them.
Todd arrives at the party and says that Ken is outside and Jess had better hurry if she wants to catch him. Jess chases after the car and Ken actually slows down to talk to her. Moron. Ken tries to pull away but Jess jumps into the car. She tells him that she was dating a guy here at SVU. It was because she felt that the SVU guy thought she was smart and beautiful and she was still mad that Ken hadn’t believed her about the SAT scores. She also thought it would be fun to date an older guy. Ken isn’t thrilled with that and when Jess tells him that the guy wasn’t actually older, he says that just because he wasn’t older doesn’t mean that Ken is going to be toyed with. Jess tells him that she isn’t just keeping him around until she finds someone better---it didn’t work with Zach because she kept thinking about Ken whenever she was with Zach. She says that she learned the hard way that Ken was the one she wanted and begs for forgiveness. Ken forgives her, and they smooch.
Back at the apartment, Todd has taken Liz into Steven and Billie’s room and pushed her down on the bed and kissed her. My goodness, with all their friends there, this is the time they pick? He is apparently all turned on by her skanky dress. He’s never seen her in anything like it. Liz outlines Jessica’s scheme, and Todd is an idiot because he can’t figure out why Liz was being Jessica and Jessica was being Jessica to everyone except Magda. And I thought Ken was slow. Jessica and Ken return and Liz makes sure Jessica told him the truth. She says that she told him it was a rush gag---but then tells Liz that yes, she told him the truth. Liz asks if Jessica has learned anything. Jessica calls Liz pedantic which is a clear indication that she must’ve done well on the SATs if she can use that word in conversation correctly. Liz and Jess think that college is going to suck now that they have to leave their boyfriends and Liz has messed up her internship and Jessica can’t be on the cheerleading squad. They decide (in less than one page) that they will be going back to Sweet Valley the next day to get their old lives back. They don’t tell everyone their plan has worked because, after all, why waste all the attention? The book then ends. Thank God.
ARGH! I hated this book. It was torture. Besides the purple prose, the lame plotline, the lack of real conclusion (Liz’s internship should have had more of an ending than just her storming out), the lameness of Todd and Ken, the college stereotypes, the minute bit of Lila…yech. I can’t believe they dragged this plot over three books. I don’t recommend this book to anyone with a functioning brain. On the positive side, this book contained both a dance and a party!