Sweet Valley High #111 A Deadly Christmas
Jessica Wakefield is in her family room, watching and re-watching a video of a man in a trench coat, hat, and sunglasses retrieve a suitcase full of ransom money from a phone booth (remember those?). She can’t see the man’s face but she can see a shiny gold ring on his pinkie finger. She thinks about a few days ago when she gave her fiancée, Jeremy Randall, a ring she stole from her brother, Steven. It didn’t fit on Jeremy’s other fingers, so he wore it on his pinkie. Steven has tiny little girl fingers. Could the man in the video be…Jeremy? Anyone with half a brain would assume so, but this is a Wakefield we’re talking about.
Jessica replays her and Jeremy’s "love" story in her mind. Jeremy nailed her in the head with a Frisbee on the beach and she fell in love. Jeremy was already engaged to Sue, the Wakefield’s houseguest, but Jessica threw a fit at the wedding and broke them up. Jeremy asked Jessica to marry him 24 hours later. Jeremy left Sweet Valley for Costa Rica for six weeks, but came back for the big Halloween party at the Project Nature Cabin. Jeremy made out with Sue at the party. Then Sue was kidnapped. Jessica and Elizabeth snuck out to search for Sue. They found her necklace in the woods surrounding the project nature cabin. The next morning, the Wakefields received a call demanding 500,000 dollars in exchange for Sue’s safe return. The Wakefield’s delivered a briefcase full of fake cash to the phone booth and Sue was released. This is so romantic.
In the kitchen, Alice is comforting a still shaken Sue. Sue worries about the police believing her story and wonders where the fuck Jeremy is since he was supposed to be at the house an hour ago. I know! How could Jeremy be late? He’s so trustworthy and dependable! Did all of these people have brain tumors for breakfast? Sue wishes that she and Jeremy were in Rio de Janeiro by now, like they had planned. Sue thinks about all that has happened with the Wakefields and how it was all a set-up and how nice but stupid the Wakefield’s are. Sue feels bad and wonders why her inheritance is so important to Jeremy. Gosh Sue, he just really wants what is coming to him. I mean you. Idiot.
The doorbell rings and Sue and Jess both run for it. Jessica gets there first and throws herself at Jeremy. He’s so hot that she can’t believe she ever doubted him. I don’t even know how to respond to that. They make out. Jeremy then turns to Sue to ask her if she is alright. He hugs her and whispers something in her ear that makes her smile. Elizabeth smells a rat. But he’s so hot, Liz. Get with the program.
Elizabeth goes upstairs to her room but just can’t stop thinking about other people’s problems. She goes downstairs to get a snack, and Jeremy is in the kitchen. He antagonizes Liz by telling her that she can’t control Jessica. Then Jeremy tells her that he’s a man and Todd’s a pussy. Elizabeth doesn’t have a comeback for either of those things (heh) so she runs upstairs.
On Wednesday in the Cafeteria Liz tells Enid why she and Jess were absent for a couple days. She says that her parents have hired a private investigator named Sam Diamond and that Sam had wanted the twins to keep things a secret. Jessica however doesn’t know what "secret" means and blabbed to Lila. Lila was only half listening to Jess, so she thought that the Wakefields were being held for ransom. Lila, her boyfriend Robby, and Todd dressed up as maintenance people and broke into the Wakefield house for no reason at all. I love picturing Lila in a maintenance outfit. I also love the fact that nobody bothered to call Enid to tell her what was happening.
That night at dinner, Alice says that it’s nice to have her whole family together. Alice? Sue is not your family. And when’s the last time you talked to Steven? Usually he rushes home every time a toilet plugs up. Alice tells the girls to be careful because the kidnapper is still out there but that Sue’s inheritance is safe and sound. Elizabeth is like, "So when are you gonna get the hell out, Sue?" Sue says that "eventually" she will go back to New York.
Eventually? I hate Sue.
Jessica excuses herself from the table and runs upstairs to get ready for a date with Jeremy. Elizabeth chases her and barges into her room. She tells Jess she shouldn’t go out with Jeremy. Jessica tells Liz to mind her own business.
Jeremy takes Jessica out to eat and gives her a bracelet. Jessica admires the bracelet and her own slim wrist, her gorgeous tan, her…oh right, Jeremy. They take a walk on the beach. They make out and Jeremy tells her he wants the sex already. He tells her they can be "really together" on Friday night.
Later that night, Jeremy lies in the Wakefield’s hammock with Sue. He tells her that he knows the money is fake and that they will have to hold tight for a couple of days. She pledges her love to him and admits that she is jealous of Jessica. Jeremy calls Jessica a boring, unsophisticated child. Sue is pleased.
Meanwhile, Jessica decides to go for it with Jeremy. She "hugs her pillow tightly." I’ll bet she does.
After Sue leaves, Jeremy thinks about how great it will be when he has Sue’s money, ditches Sue, and uses Jessica before heading to the South Pacific. He rubs his hands together, twists his mustache and cackles wildly. Oh, he does not.
Thursday morning, Sue and the twins eat breakfast together. Sue tells Jessica that Jeremy is a man-slut and that she should watch out. Jessica thinks Sue’s just a hater. Jessica tells Sue to go the hell away, already. Then she leaves for school.
Jessica spends the day at school daydreaming about all the nasty, nasty sex she is going to have with Jeremy. She’s going to buy condoms so that she doesn’t catch his herpes, and figures she will get some candles and a Whitney Houston tape for the big night. I’m not making that up. Well, what guy doesn’t want to make it while listening to "The Greatest Love of All?" That’s hot. Jessica ignores everything else, including poor Ken Matthews, who tries to flirt with her. Denied!
Bruce and Pamela are co-chairs for the upcoming "Mistletoe Madness" dance. They want to know what committee Lila is going to be on, but Lila does not do manual labor. That’s for the little people. Lila tells everyone that Robby’s art show is coming up, but that he really hasn’t done any work for it yet. Amy calls him a loser and Lila doesn’t defend him. Jessica runs up to ask Li to go shopping with her. And can she lend Jess some money? Jessica’s allowance doesn’t allow for dirty sex clothes. Lila says yes and yes.
Elizabeth goes to the Oracle office for a meeting. Mr. Collins tells the staff that their computers are now on line for INFOMAX. They can now access newspaper files all over the country. Computers are neat! Elizabeth types in Jeremy’s name and is freaked out when she gets only two references. I don’t want to defend Jeremy or anything, but Liz? Not everybody spends their young lives being kidnapped, going in and out of comas, killing their sister’s boyfriends, dating werewolves, etc. Who’s the weirdo, here?
Jessica blows off cheerleader practice and another Ken Matthews flirting attempt to meet Lila at Valley Mall. They head to the Unique Boutique. When Jessica has picked up some sex clothes they go into the dressing room and Lila asks Jess if she is planning on being "naughty." Jessica blathers on about the depth of her love (ew) and tells Lila about her big date. She and Lila squeal and jump up and down. Then Lila tells Jess that she will totally wuss out and not go through with it. Word. Then Lila asks if Jess thinks Todd and Liz do it. Jessica snorts, "Are you kidding?" For real, Lila. I doubt Liz looks down in the shower.
Sue just happens to be in the adjoining dressing room (one of those crazy Sweet Valley coincidences) and overhears Jessica and Lila’s conversation. She’s heartbroken and pissed off.
Liz and Todd are studying at Todd’s house but Elizabeth can’t stop thinking about Sue and the Project Nature cabin. They decide to do some sleuthing.
Jeremy takes Sue out to eat and tells her that he would never do anything but kiss Jessica. If you stay in Sweet Valley you won’t, sex clothes or no sex clothes. Sue is relieved.
Todd and Liz go to the project nature cabin and look around. They end up in the cabin’s attic. They find rope, bottled water, cans of food and batteries. So Fred and Daphne are on to something.
At the Wakefield house, Sue listens in on a phone conversation between Jessica and Jeremy. Jeremy tells Jess that he’s found the perfect condo to deflower her in. Jess is ecstatic. Sue is crushed.
In the middle of the night, Sue wakes Jessica up and tells her about how angry Jeremy was when he found out that Alice was getting Sue’s inheritance. He read all of Alice’s letters to Sue’s mom and learned all about Jessica. How she was headstrong and uh, flirty, and kind of stupid. Jeremy knew that he could pull the wool over Jess’s eyes, and that’s what he did. It was all a set-up, from the Frisbee to the stopped wedding to the kidnapping. Jessica orders Sue out her room.
Friday morning Jeremy calls and Jessica tells him that she is sick. He’s all, "Aw, we’ll fuck later baby." Ass. Jessica runs to the toilet to throw up. She can’t so she "presses her face against the cool porcelain." Why would you press your face against a toilet? That’s not sanitary.
When Jess comes into the kitchen, Liz tells her that she looks like shit. In order to get away from Liz, Jess goes to school early. That should tell you something, Elizabeth. Jessica stands in the hallway at school thinking about how gross Jeremy is and how she almost gave him her v-card. After school, Ken Matthews asks her to go to the Dairy Burger after the game with him, and Jess agrees, finally feeling sixteen again.
Lila is still worried about Robby’s lack of production. She takes Jessica to the art supply store and back to Fowler Crest. She makes Jessica model for her- Lila's going to paint her. She tells Jess to lie down on the bed. "Lean back on one arm, and throw your hair over your shoulder." I begin to think that this book is heading in a very strange direction, but then Jess pops up, tells Li her painting sucks and leaves so she can get ready for the game.
Ken is a huge star at that night’s big football game against Ben Franklin High School. Kidding! It’s Big Mesa, of course. He and Jessica enter the Dairy Burger and are greeted like heroes.
In his car that night, Todd tells Elizabeth that she is "the most huggable girl [he] knows." The most huggable girl I know is a one year old. That’s as far as it goes for Liz and Todd so Liz goes in to bug Jessica. Jessica tells Elizabeth her whole sordid tale. She says "Isn’t it the most insane, outrageous story you ever heard?" For you two? Not…really.
The next morning, Jessica and Elizabeth go to the police station with Jessica’s tape of Jeremy picking up the ransom money. When the police put the tape in, it plays a "popular sitcom" that Steven likes. Probably Blossom or something. Anyway, the moron has taped over the ransom scene. The police kick Jess and Liz out on their size six tushies.
At the Dairy Burger, Jessica flirts with Ken, and then she and Elizabeth decide to try to catch Sue and Jeremy together on tape.
That night, Jeremy calls Jess again and she practically wretches into the phone. Later he calls Sue, and Jessica eavesdrops on their conversation. Jeremy is going to meet Sue at eight-thirty at Valley Mall. Why the fuck is Sue meeting Jeremy again? Does she have shit-for-brains? She’s worse then Jessica, for Christ’s sake.
Jessica goes to the Mall that night wearing a Dodgers cap and wielding a camcorder. She’s just about to catch Jeremy and Sue in action when she’s tragically run over by a baby stroller. And that’s how she dies. Kidding! Those big-ass strollers are no joke though. Back in my day our strollers had a butt sling, four wheels and that was pretty much it. Keep your tank sized strollers at home people! At least don’t run over my feet when I’m buying toilet paper at Target.
After dinner at the mall, Sue and Jeremy go back to Jeremy’s hotel room. Filthy Jeremy takes a shower and Sue snoops through his things. I do that too. Sue finds a one-way plane ticket to the South Pacific, and an old newspaper clipping announcing the wedding of Matt Thorn and Marla Tannenbaum. Matt Thorn looks suspiciously like Jeremy Randall. Sue finally, finally, pulls her head out of her ass.
Late that night, Jessica and Sue are talking in Liz’s room when Sue comes in. Sue tells the twins that Jeremy is even worse than she thought and that she wants to "bring him to justice." She shows them the newspaper clipping. The girls are afraid.
On Monday morning before school Liz, Jess and Sue go to the Oracle office to look up Matt Thorn on INFOMAX. They get the same article they already have. They decide to call Marla Tannenbaum in Atlanta. Elizabeth calls information and, of course, Marla is listed. Jessica calls her and tells her that she is a Detective and wants the dirt on Matt. Marla says that she met Matt two years ago and married him after a whirlwind courtship. She put a huge chunk of her fortune into a foundation for their future philanthropic work. The money was in both their names. And you can guess how that turned out.
At home that afternoon, Jessica finds two dozen red roses from Jeremy. She freaks and passes them off to a neighbor. Can you imagine what it must be like to be a neighbor of the Wakefields? They could make a movie out of that, like the Brady Bunch movie. Jeremy calls Jessica and they make a date for that night. Elizabeth tells her to stay away from secluded places. Jessica tries to ugly herself up by wearing a navy knit dress, a wheat colored linen jacket, sandals, and no makeup. That actually seems like one of Jessica’s better outfits. Everyday is opposite day in Sweet Valley!
Jessica goes out to dinner with Jeremy. He tries to make out with her, and she tells him she has to go home and do homework. Jeremy doesn’t really believe that Jessica does homework. No reason he should, really. Jeremy drives Jess home and tries to rub himself on her. She escapes and blows him a kiss on her way into the house. You know she threw up in her mouth a little.
On Wednesday at school, Jessica is feeling blue until Ken comes along and gives her a single red rose. This rose she loves.
That afternoon, Lila heads to the gallery for Robby’s art show. She’s excited that she might be launching her own art career. She had the Fowler’s chauffer deliver 10 of her paintings to the gallery that morning. Lila tells the Gallery owner that she is Robby’s agent. The owner tells her that Robby has an entire wall to himself. Lila sets up her paintings. The gallery patrons describe Lila’s work as, "atrocious, lifeless as mud, reminiscent of bird droppings, laughable, and clearly the work of an undisciplined amateur."
Ouch. Suddenly, Robby bursts into the gallery, apologizing about being late. He takes in what has happened. Lila runs outside and starts bawling. Robby comes out to comfort her. He takes her back inside and she sees that her butt-ugly paintings have been replaced with Robby’s good ones. Everyone applauds. Robby says he works best under pressure. They get lovey-dovey.
At the house of Wakefield, Sue calls her bank in New York. Her money should have been transferred that morning, but it’s not in her account. She wonders where her damn money is. She calls Jeremy and he’s not worried about the money at all. Because he stole it! Is this almost over? Sue tells the twins what happened. They hatch a plan. Ken calls Jessica and asks her to the Mistletoe Madness dance. She, sadly, has to turn him down because she's playing Inspector Gadget that night.
On Thursday, the school is all fancy and decorated for the dance. The majority of SVH students and teachers are dressed in red, green, or white. What a nerdy little school they have. Todd is wearing a green polo shirt and white jeans. Elizabeth still doesn’t break up with him, though. Instead she hauls him into a stairwell and tells him all about Jessica, Sue, Jeremy and her crazy plan. She tells him that she called Sue Diamond earlier and that the investigator is coming tonight to help them out. Todd and his stupid jeans want to be there too.
After school, Jessica calls Jeremy and tells him that she knows everything about him, and still loves him. She wants to run away with him. He tells her to get ready to go- he will pick her up that night.
Jessica goes downstairs to talk to Alice. Alice tells Jess that trust is the most important thing in a relationship. She also tells Jessica that she is special, strong, and deserves the best. Aw. Jessica is touched.
That night Jessica, Sue, Elizabeth and Todd wait for Sam Diamond. When she arrives she shows them another newspaper clipping. The clipping is about how a man named John Ryder stole a small fortune from his new bride in the Midwest. John Ryder is, obviously, Jeremy. The Scooby gang is repulsed. Sam says that the plan is to send Jessica with Jeremy, wearing a wire. Sam, Liz, and Todd will follow them closely and as soon as Jessica gets a confession out of Jeremy, the police will be called. Hey, guys? Maybe the police should be called now. Just a thought.
At eight, Jeremy picks Jessica up. She has a microphone in her bra and a decoy suitcase. Jeremy drives up to the Project Nature cabin. He drives so fast that he manages to lose the the unfabulous foursome driving behind him. To make matters worse, Sam and the gang have a spin out and land in a ditch.
Jeremy pushes Jess into the cabin. He starts a fire in the fireplace and makes a call on his cell. You know that cell is big as a brick and weighs five pounds. On the phone, Jeremy says things like, "You moved the money," and, "A new account….immediate access." Then Jeremy sits down by Jess and confesses to everything he’s ever done. He’s like Chunk in The Goonies.
When he gets up to go to the bathroom, Jessica jumps up to look at the phone message he took. Jeremy catches her and yells, "You’ve made a big mistake, Wakefield!" That could be the name of the series. Jess and Jeremy struggle and Jess ends up pulling a Dubya on the cabin’s coffee table. The Christmas tree falls down and starts the cabin on fire. Jeremy blow’s a kiss to Jessica’s unconscious body and leaves.
Sam, Todd, Liz and Sue finally show up at the cabin and realize that it’s on fire. Jeremy escapes in his car, almost running Todd over in the process. Damn it. They know Jessica must still be in the cabin and Elizabeth and Sue run inside. Sue discovers Jessica on the floor and she and Elizabeth drag her outside just as the roof caves in. Todd’s just standing there in his stupid jeans, I guess.
At the hospital, Jessica is being treated for a bump on the head and smoke inhalation and Elizabeth is telling the clueless Wakefield parents what has been going on under their noses for the past two months. The police tell them that they have captured Jeremy Randall. Ned and Alice forgive Sue for all of her "mistakes" and Liz tries to get Jessica to go to the Mistletoe Madness dance. Jesus, Liz she was almost burned alive! She might not feel like dancin’.
And that’s where we end. Thank God it’s over. I’ll see you at #76 Miss Teen Sweet Valley.