Sweet Valley High Super Edition #11: Earthquake
I wasn't going to do this so soon, guys - I was all Sweet Vallied out after my last recap - but then yesterday I made the mistake of reading my university's creative writing magazine. My friends, it is the most...I mean, it is so incredibly...Guys, it makes the Sweet Valley books look good. It is twenty-two pages of the most tedious dreck I have ever read. I refuse to believe that any of the contributors are older than twelve, and I feel incredibly embarrassed for all of them.
So I read Earthquake to recover from the horrors of whiney teenage blank verse. I think this is the first time in history that a Sweet Valley book has ever actually seemed good in comparison to something else. I should send Francine a copy of the magazine. She'd probably frame it. (I have to admit, though, I'm morbidly curious to see if they'd print Amanda's poem if I sent it in anonymously. Would it meet the standards of excellence required for this prestigious publication?)
Anyway, I bet you're all dying to find out what happens! Shocking: An earthquake hits Sweet Valley and the Wakefields' split-level ranch house is destroyed! More shocking: Olivia Davidson dies! Most shocking of all: The twins have a birthday. I know, guys. I couldn't believe it either.
The cover is kind of blah. I recognise the twins, and there's a Todd punch going on top left (I'm thinking some LiveJournal icons need to happen?), and I think the chick bottom centre with bitchface is Lila, but other than that I'm not sure. I remember I bought this book when I went to New York when I was twelve. My mother was so pissed that we'd come all the way to America and all I wanted to do was shop for Sweet Valley books. True story.
A quick bit of general background info: This is the penultimate book in the Sweet Valley High series before we move on to Senior Year. Liz and Todd have broken up over Liz's cheatin' heart. Ken and Olivia are dating. The book begins a very short time after the earthquake has rocked Sweet Valley during the twins' seventeenth birthday party, and I'd estimate that all the events I'm recapping take place between ten o'clock at night and two o'clock the following morning.
A plot
We begin with Jessica dying in her car. She feels everything going dark and she thinks she hears someone calling to her, asking her to "come back" to him. Christian? Ken? Sam? she thinks. Does Christian really count as one of the "important" boyfriends? His only real claim to fame is that he died, and if that's all he needed to do to make the list, why isn't James, Crazy Margo's pal who dated Jess to get information about Liz, on there as well?
Jessica doesn't die, though. Those Wakefields never die. They're like cockroaches. Slowly she comes to and it turns out that it's Steven who was speaking to her. Her face is covered in blood apparently. She remembers that the two of them were driving off to pick up Billie from the store - her car had broken down while she was picking up some extra stuff for the party. I don't believe that Jessica Wakefield would leave her own party in order to pick up her brother's girlfriend, but okay.
Jessica looks around and remembers that Sweet Valley has just experienced an earthquake. Her car, a new Jeep the twins got for their birthday, is totally wrecked. Liz bought a Jeep earlier in the year (around book #85, I think), so I don't know why they need another one, but Jessica cries about it anyway. Girl, you just be pleased that it wasn't 1bruce1 which took the fall. Then Jessica starts crying even harder: she doesn't know if Liz or her parents are still alive.
Steven asks if Jessica can tell if Liz is okay through their "twin connection", and Jessica rightly snaps back, "It's not like a psychic telephone hotline I can dial up whenever I want to." Yeah, Steve. Steven's one of my favourite characters - in the high school books, at least - but I'm disappointed in him for wanting to rely on something as shoddy and unscientific as mind-reading in order to ascertain whether his sister is safe after an earthquake. Dios mio. Steven, you have let down me, you have let down the book, but most of all, you have let down yourself.
Jessica starts driving home - New Jeep is still just about driveable - but Steven orders her to go and pick up Billie. They fight about it for ages and it's boring. Recap it yourselves if you want the details! Yeah, I said it! Seriously, though, nothing happens. Eventually Jessica agrees to pick up Billie and then go and find their parents who are at the cinema.
So Jessica turns around and starts heading off to the store. Everyone is wandering around town looking sad and confused. It's like that episode of Buffy where the entire town of Sunnydale loses the ability to speak. At least, it is in my head. At the store, Billie is alive. She runs over and flings herself into Steven's arms and everyone is crying and smiling. Aw. I'm kind of pleased. I like Billie a lot. She's probably Steven's best girlfriend. Steven and Billie decide to walk to the cinema to see if Ned and Alice are there, like, don't rush yourselves, guys, and Jessica starts driving back home.
Jessica drives through the town. Everything is on fire! Some goth boy runs up to the side of New Jeep and forces her to stop. His name is Bryan, his sister is hanging onto the side of a seemingly-bottomless crevice and is about to fall in, and won't Jessica please help them? Jessica is reluctant at first but then agrees to help. She gets out of the car and walks with Bryan over to the crevice where his sister, Alyssa, is hanging, inches from death.
A terrified Jessica talks to Alyssa slowly, trying to get her to relax. Alyssa just finished sixth grade and she's going to be in Junior High come September. I guess she's skipping a grade or something. She wants to be a cheerleader and Jessica is suddenly even more determined to save her! Yeah, because if Alyssa had wanted to join Chess Club, Jessica would've just let the bitch drop.
Jessica and Bryan tie their belts together to create a makeshift rope for Alyssa to grab, but it's too short. They decide that the only thing they can do is for Bryan to hold onto Jessica's ankles and dangle her down into the crevice so that she can lift up Alyssa. I can't say it'd be my choice of action, but okay. Also, remember, this is about two o'clock in the morning, so it must be a lot creepier for Jessica, Bryan and Alyssa than the ghost-writer makes it sound. Jessica stretches forward just a little more. She is so sure that she's going to make it.
Then the side of the crevice crumbles away, and Alyssa falls to her death. You know, I'd forgotten about this part of the storyline, and while it's a kind of hokey storyline, I am surprised that the kid actually died. I can't help but feel that if it had been Liz in this same situation, Alyssa would have been flown up onto the ground by magical floating pink hearts generated by Liz's smile, but there you go. Why didn't Jessica suffer any trauma about this in SVH:SY, though? Why why why? We got the aftermath of Olivia dying and the Wakefields' house being destroyed and Liz and Todd breaking up. Why not this, damnit?
Oh, yeah. Jessica's a sociopath and doesn't experience normal human emotions. Never mind.
While all this is going on, Steven and Billie find Ned and Alice Wakefield alive and well. I'm sure you were all very concerned about them.
B plot
Casa Wakefield. The back yard. Everything is a wreck after the twins' birthday party (because of the earthquake, not the party). It looks like the beginning of The Land Before Time in my head. There are probably fewer dinosaurs, though. Mr. Collins is lying unconscious by the pool because he was the party chaperone. Kidding! Haha! Although now I'm kind of disappointed that he isn't. We're told that Liz is wearing black jeans and a fuchsia blouse. That's pretty trendy, for Liz.
Liz thinks about the rockin' party that was happening at her house right before the earthquake struck. I kind of want to read about it. I hope the Droids were playing. Apparently Steven and Billie were the party chaperones. Eh. Could do better, could do worse. Someone better have been pushed in the pool, is all I'm sayin', is all.
Anyway, all these unconscious teenagers are lying about. It's John Pfeifer's paradise! I'm sorry, that was horrible. They're all half-dead, it seems, and Liz feels both sad and terrified. Almost every minor Sweet Valley character from the past eighty books gets a mention, including one Devon Whitelaw, the guy for whom Liz broke up with Todd in the previous miniseries.
I don't think that any of the Devon Whitelaw books have been recapped yet, so I'll quickly introduce him. Devon, 1bruce1 members; 1bruce1 members, Devon. Devon has Lila's daddy issues, Enid's seedy past, Bruce's wealth, Conner's whininess, and nobody's awesomeness. Also, both twins were in love with him. So was Enid. Hee. Poor Enid. She had no chance. I also heard a rumour that Devon started life as a character on the TV series and Francine Pascal decided to introduce him into the books as well. If this is true, that is pathetic. Not that I have anything against the trashy, wonderful TV series, but you don't take your cues from it, you know?
Liz wanders around her backyard and stares at all her dying friends. Now, admittedly I have never lived in an area where earthquakes have been a serious issue, but it seems to me that if you're surrounded by falling buildings and everyone around you can barely stand up, surely the best thing to do would be to leave the area, taking anyone who can be moved with you? But Liz doesn't attempt to leave, and she doesn't attempt to help anyone. She just stares. And freaks out about Jessica a little bit. But mostly she stares.
By the way, Ronnie Edwards is dead. Don't cry too hard, now.
Liz talks to A.J. Morgan and Caroline Pearce. Everyone hates Caroline, and A.J. is Jessica's ex and was never especially friendly with Liz, so I don't know why they came to the twins' party. A.J. proposes that they start moving people away from the house, and after some deliberation, Liz agrees. Isn't that what I just sugges- You know what? Never mind. Also, Liz notices that a fire has started blazing in the house next door, and she realises that it's going to spread to her house pretty quickly.
Obligatory mention of Bruce Patman, running away from the house back to see his parents. But has 1bruce1 escaped unscathed?! We are never told. Also, I think we're meant to see Bruce as a coward for running away, but I can't really blame him. Also also, why was Bruce there, anyway? Don't both the twins hate him? Do they have any of their actual friends at this party?
Prince Albert is alive, and he won't shut up barking. I wonder what happened to Prince Albert in Senior Year. It's one thing for Liz and Jessica to lose contact with Winston and Amy and Enid, but quite another for them to lose contact with their own dog. Anyway, Liz is glad to see him alive and well, and she gives him cuddles. Mention of Maria Slater, whom Liz has known "since elementary school". Everyone familiar with SVT will know that this is a filthy bastard lie - they didn't meet until sixth grade. Fire the fact-checker! Get me the president on the line! Bring me a pastrami on rye!
Suddenly a bunch of live wires, brought up from under the ground by the earthquake, start sparking near Enid, who's lying in a puddle of water! She's going to get electromacuted! Liz resolves to rescue her.
Winston wanders over and asks Devon if he has a cell phone he could borrow, and Devon is irritated by the fact that "just because he'd inherited some money, everyone assumed...he owned every high tech gadget". Whatever, Devon. It wasn't just the impossibly wealthy who had cell phones in 1999 (when this book was published). And anyway, ex-fucking-scuse Winston for asking you if he could borrow your phone to help resolve a crisis.
Devon tells Winston that he might as well not bother calling the fire brigade, as all his friends inside the Wakefields' house would probably have been killed. Devon is so charming. I can certainly see why Liz fell for him! When he's told that Todd is trapped inside the house as well, Devon is even more adamant not to help search for survivors. He's obnoxious to Winston, and eventually Winston just gives up and goes off to call the fire-brigade. Devon just wants to go home.
Liz looks at her watch and sees that it's midnight: "The twins' seventeenth birthday was over." It is so weird to think of the twins as seventeen. In my mind, they can be seven, twelve, sixteen, or eighteen. No in-betweensies. Although assuming Sweet Valley Heights goes ahead, I am quite excited about the prospect of Jessica being a Julie Cooper-esque mother from Hell.
Liz shouts and shouts, but no one comes over to help rescue Enid. I can't decide if this is tragic or hilarious. Poor Enid. She runs over to Devon and he's like, "Bitch, you crazy." Again I say, whatever, Devon. I can't say that your stance is unsympathetic, but you're being such an ass about it that I can't be bothered to side with you. I don't even want to recap you. There's actually a lot more of Devon in this book which I haven't included because every time I read a scene in which he features, I want to put the book down and go back to the literary magazine. Anyway, Devon runs away, calling himself a survivor. Good riddance. Liz shouts after him angrily, then trips on the earthquake-dented patio and falls into the pool. It's a pool-push from Mother Nature herself!
Liz struggles out of the pool...only to find herself face to face with a rattlesnake. I have to admit, I laughed out loud when I read that. This is just not Liz's day. Liz grapples with it for a minute or so before flipping it into the pool.
Incidentally, it's been 111 pages since Liz first realised that Enid was in danger. Admittedly the other storylines have been going on at the same time, but still. Liz is lucky that Enid hasn't fried to death by now. Seriously, Enid's just on the other side of the yard, but from reading this book you'd think that Liz is trapped in the opening scene of Indiana Jones. As if to prove my point, Liz now has to jump through a ring of fire. She succeeds and finally she gets to Enid - but she won't wake up and Liz has to drag her away from the flames lapping at her ankles.
Once Enid is finally safe, away from fire, flood, famine, live wires, ROUS's, and any other possible calamity that could befall her, Liz faints. Some guy carries her to safety, but we're not told who he is. I think we're meant to think that it's Devon, but I've read the next book and it totally isn't. Uh, I can't remember who it actually is, though. Randy Mason, maybe? He had the whole guardian angel thing with Jessica in college, after all.
C plot
Ken and Olivia are trapped in the Wakefields' kitchen. Ken is safe from harm but Olivia has been crushed under the fridge, and he can't see her anymore. She's unconscious as well - or at least, she's not replying to his frantic shouts - which is obviously bad. Ken thinks about her and how when he last saw her "her lips shone softly from his last kiss". Ken, dude. Control that tongue.
Winston Egbert and Maria Santelli work their way into the kitchen. They help Ken to move the rubble away from the area where Olivia last was, and they see that she's been crushed. Also, Winston has freckles! Can you believe it? Freckles! Did anyone else know about this? Olivia regains some consciousness - her eyes are wide open but "she didn't seem to see him at all" - and appears to be in a lot of pain.
Olivia comes to her senses. She sees Ken, and she thinks about how handsome he is. These kids and their priorities. She feels cold and her head is spinning. Her body starts to feel numb and she slowly realises that she's going to be paralysed, assuming she manages to get out alive. Cree. Pee. She accepts that she's dying in about half a paragraph. Ken holds her hand and they reminisce about how they met on an online chatroom. Then we get this: "She could feel his love washing over her like a soft, balmy rain shower on a summer day." Watersports, Ken?! Is this really the time?
Olivia slips into unconsciousness and Ken takes a good look at her. She's in pretty bad shape. A splinter of bone is poking out of one of her legs, she has a gash on her head, her body is twisted, her arm is broken, and "bright bursts of blood stained the front of her print dress like a sick parody of the tie-dye fashions she used to wear". Also, she started coughing up blood a few minutes ago. Man, I feel so bad for Olivia. She wakes up for a few moments but she keeps slipping in and out of consciousness. Ken tells her stories about the good times they spent together because he doesn't know what else to do.
Olivia's vision starts to flicker and she quotes William Blake's Tyger, Tyger. Because I know that when I'm dying of horrible, paralysis-via-fridge related injuries, I'm totally going to be talking about the Romantic poets, rather than screaming, "Oh, shit, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, Jesus, get it off me!" (Is it bitchy to nitpick the thoughts of a dying girl?) She coughs up blood. She tells Ken once more to go for help and, reluctantly, he agrees at last. On his way, he thinks about how free-spirited Olivia is: for example, she reads Shakespeare on the beach rather than fashion magazines. I like how that's the edgiest thing that the ghost-writer can think of for a nonconformist girl to do.
Stumbling outside, he trips over a bookcase that he recognises from Liz's room, which I guess implies that half the wall has been ripped out. That's pretty awesome. But aw, man, this must mean that the Hershey Bar is a total disaster area as well! The question is, will anyone be able to tell the difference.
The EMT guys manage to dig past the rubble to get into the Wakefields' kitchen. They're too late, though. Olivia is dead. For now! But seriously, she dies off-page? Weak. Secretly I think that it's kind of sad that Olivia dies. Sadder even than Heroically Deaf Regina being ded from coke. She's classic Sweet Valley, you know?
Ken cries and refuses to believe it at first. Then the fire-fighters find a random picture of Ken that Olivia painted. Why is it in the kitchen? Did she bring it to the party? Was it a present for Liz and Jessica? (That would be hilariously bitchy of her if it was, considering that both twins have dated Ken.) Why wasn't it destroyed by the earthquake or the fire or the live wires? Alas, these questions are not answered, so let us move on to...
D plot
Todd and Lila are stuck in the Wakefields' bathroom together. I grin goofily because this is the best sitcom set-up ever. Apparently Todd barged in while Lila was applying her makeup, and it's implied that he did this before the start of the earthquake. I'm sure there's a good explanation but it's not given in this book, and it's more amusing to imagine that Todd is just too nouveau riche to understand that normal people don't do that sort of thing.
Lila pulls out a book of matches from her purse - this is continuity from the Inferno miniseries, where it's established that she always steals books of matches whenever she goes to restaurants - and lights a decorative candle so that they can see each other (remember: ten o'clock at night!). Neither of them are too impressed with what they see.
Todd remembers staring at Liz's pretty, pretty hair earlier at the party and thinking about how he's loved her his entire life - before Devon came along and stole her away from him. I've just noticed that Todd sometimes has a sort of Fitzgeraldian, poor-boy-works-hard-to-become-rich semi-innocent quality about him. I hope in Sweet Valley Heights Todd ends up being shot through the head in the Wakefields' pool by way of a metaphor for the American Dream. I mean, I love Todd, but that would just be awesome.
Also, it's just occurred to me: why was Todd at the party? I'm not saying that you can't be friends with your ex, but if I'd had a messy break-up with someone in the recent past - especially if she'd been cheating on me with some guy, and even more especially if that guy was Devon Whitelaw - I can't say I'd be too enthusiastic about wishing her birthday cheer. Then again, the twins invited a guy who tried to rape Liz one time, so I guess their party is just a free-for-all.
The power goes and apparently the light fixture is busted. I thought it was busted already. Isn't that why they're sitting in candlelight? Am I the only person paying attention to what's going on?
Todd and Lila bitch about the circumstances and say mean things to each other. Todd says, "Like I'd spend my summer vacation with you. I'd rather eat ground glass," and Lila scoops up some shards of glass from the floor and says, "Bon appetit." Hee hee hee. The Todd/Lila snarky interactions in this book are really good. I want to quote them all. But I won't because this recap is a million pages long already. Anyway, Todd worries about the structural damage that has been done to the house and Lila sasses him some more.
Apparently it's Friday the thirteenth. I want to make a joke about that regarding the twins' birthday, but I'm too tired. Trivia buffs, note that if the twins are Gemini, their birthday is officially the thirteenth of June. And if you know that one grain of information, you'll never be at a loss for food, shelter, or gainful employment, so it's worth remembering.
Lila tells Todd to find a way out of the room, and threatens to sue him if he doesn't. Ha! Todd punches the wall - and nothing happens! Todd sinks to his knees, shaking his fists. "KHAAAAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAN!" he cries. Not really. I don't like this book very much, so I have to make my own fun, like pretending that Todd is Captain of the Enterprise. Things go from bad to worse when they notice that the building is on fire. Poor Lila freaks out about it: she remembers the fire which burnt down Fowler Crest in the Inferno miniseries. Todd just kind of stands there, thinking about how much he hates Devon. And Lila. And Khan.
Lila, recovered from her tears, glumly thinks about how she'll never get to gamble in Monte Carlo. Then we get the gloriously bitchy, "Dying with Todd was worse than dying alone." Ha! Why no love for the Toddster, Lila? Then Lila thinks about Jessica and how much she cares about her. Awwww. It's a really cool moment in the book, and it lasts for nearly two pages! I'm glad the ghost-writer decided to acknowledge their friendship. Lila thinks that Jessica is the only person in the world that she'd count as a close friend, and now she's going to die all alone. Except for stupid Todd. She starts to cry again. Poor, poor Lila.
Todd hugs her again, though, and she feels better. They get into the bathtub, as far away from the flames as they possibly can. Still hugging, Lila tells Todd that she never liked him but she wishes she'd been nicer to him. Todd thanks her. What else could he say, really? Then they make out. It's kind of gross.
Then a bunch of fire-fighters break into the bathroom and rescue them. Dramatically, the very instant that they step out of the bathroom, the entire room bursts into flames. Dudes, if it was that hot in such a confined space...how were you still fully conscious?
So there you have it. Three deaths. A couple of near-deaths. Todd and Lila making out. Things are never going to be the same in Sweet Valley again! To commemorate this epic occasion, here is a poll.
Poll
So I read Earthquake to recover from the horrors of whiney teenage blank verse. I think this is the first time in history that a Sweet Valley book has ever actually seemed good in comparison to something else. I should send Francine a copy of the magazine. She'd probably frame it. (I have to admit, though, I'm morbidly curious to see if they'd print Amanda's poem if I sent it in anonymously. Would it meet the standards of excellence required for this prestigious publication?)
Anyway, I bet you're all dying to find out what happens! Shocking: An earthquake hits Sweet Valley and the Wakefields' split-level ranch house is destroyed! More shocking: Olivia Davidson dies! Most shocking of all: The twins have a birthday. I know, guys. I couldn't believe it either.
The cover is kind of blah. I recognise the twins, and there's a Todd punch going on top left (I'm thinking some LiveJournal icons need to happen?), and I think the chick bottom centre with bitchface is Lila, but other than that I'm not sure. I remember I bought this book when I went to New York when I was twelve. My mother was so pissed that we'd come all the way to America and all I wanted to do was shop for Sweet Valley books. True story.
A quick bit of general background info: This is the penultimate book in the Sweet Valley High series before we move on to Senior Year. Liz and Todd have broken up over Liz's cheatin' heart. Ken and Olivia are dating. The book begins a very short time after the earthquake has rocked Sweet Valley during the twins' seventeenth birthday party, and I'd estimate that all the events I'm recapping take place between ten o'clock at night and two o'clock the following morning.
A plot
We begin with Jessica dying in her car. She feels everything going dark and she thinks she hears someone calling to her, asking her to "come back" to him. Christian? Ken? Sam? she thinks. Does Christian really count as one of the "important" boyfriends? His only real claim to fame is that he died, and if that's all he needed to do to make the list, why isn't James, Crazy Margo's pal who dated Jess to get information about Liz, on there as well?
Jessica doesn't die, though. Those Wakefields never die. They're like cockroaches. Slowly she comes to and it turns out that it's Steven who was speaking to her. Her face is covered in blood apparently. She remembers that the two of them were driving off to pick up Billie from the store - her car had broken down while she was picking up some extra stuff for the party. I don't believe that Jessica Wakefield would leave her own party in order to pick up her brother's girlfriend, but okay.
Jessica looks around and remembers that Sweet Valley has just experienced an earthquake. Her car, a new Jeep the twins got for their birthday, is totally wrecked. Liz bought a Jeep earlier in the year (around book #85, I think), so I don't know why they need another one, but Jessica cries about it anyway. Girl, you just be pleased that it wasn't 1bruce1 which took the fall. Then Jessica starts crying even harder: she doesn't know if Liz or her parents are still alive.
Steven asks if Jessica can tell if Liz is okay through their "twin connection", and Jessica rightly snaps back, "It's not like a psychic telephone hotline I can dial up whenever I want to." Yeah, Steve. Steven's one of my favourite characters - in the high school books, at least - but I'm disappointed in him for wanting to rely on something as shoddy and unscientific as mind-reading in order to ascertain whether his sister is safe after an earthquake. Dios mio. Steven, you have let down me, you have let down the book, but most of all, you have let down yourself.
Jessica starts driving home - New Jeep is still just about driveable - but Steven orders her to go and pick up Billie. They fight about it for ages and it's boring. Recap it yourselves if you want the details! Yeah, I said it! Seriously, though, nothing happens. Eventually Jessica agrees to pick up Billie and then go and find their parents who are at the cinema.
So Jessica turns around and starts heading off to the store. Everyone is wandering around town looking sad and confused. It's like that episode of Buffy where the entire town of Sunnydale loses the ability to speak. At least, it is in my head. At the store, Billie is alive. She runs over and flings herself into Steven's arms and everyone is crying and smiling. Aw. I'm kind of pleased. I like Billie a lot. She's probably Steven's best girlfriend. Steven and Billie decide to walk to the cinema to see if Ned and Alice are there, like, don't rush yourselves, guys, and Jessica starts driving back home.
Jessica drives through the town. Everything is on fire! Some goth boy runs up to the side of New Jeep and forces her to stop. His name is Bryan, his sister is hanging onto the side of a seemingly-bottomless crevice and is about to fall in, and won't Jessica please help them? Jessica is reluctant at first but then agrees to help. She gets out of the car and walks with Bryan over to the crevice where his sister, Alyssa, is hanging, inches from death.
A terrified Jessica talks to Alyssa slowly, trying to get her to relax. Alyssa just finished sixth grade and she's going to be in Junior High come September. I guess she's skipping a grade or something. She wants to be a cheerleader and Jessica is suddenly even more determined to save her! Yeah, because if Alyssa had wanted to join Chess Club, Jessica would've just let the bitch drop.
Jessica and Bryan tie their belts together to create a makeshift rope for Alyssa to grab, but it's too short. They decide that the only thing they can do is for Bryan to hold onto Jessica's ankles and dangle her down into the crevice so that she can lift up Alyssa. I can't say it'd be my choice of action, but okay. Also, remember, this is about two o'clock in the morning, so it must be a lot creepier for Jessica, Bryan and Alyssa than the ghost-writer makes it sound. Jessica stretches forward just a little more. She is so sure that she's going to make it.
Then the side of the crevice crumbles away, and Alyssa falls to her death. You know, I'd forgotten about this part of the storyline, and while it's a kind of hokey storyline, I am surprised that the kid actually died. I can't help but feel that if it had been Liz in this same situation, Alyssa would have been flown up onto the ground by magical floating pink hearts generated by Liz's smile, but there you go. Why didn't Jessica suffer any trauma about this in SVH:SY, though? Why why why? We got the aftermath of Olivia dying and the Wakefields' house being destroyed and Liz and Todd breaking up. Why not this, damnit?
Oh, yeah. Jessica's a sociopath and doesn't experience normal human emotions. Never mind.
While all this is going on, Steven and Billie find Ned and Alice Wakefield alive and well. I'm sure you were all very concerned about them.
B plot
Casa Wakefield. The back yard. Everything is a wreck after the twins' birthday party (because of the earthquake, not the party). It looks like the beginning of The Land Before Time in my head. There are probably fewer dinosaurs, though. Mr. Collins is lying unconscious by the pool because he was the party chaperone. Kidding! Haha! Although now I'm kind of disappointed that he isn't. We're told that Liz is wearing black jeans and a fuchsia blouse. That's pretty trendy, for Liz.
Liz thinks about the rockin' party that was happening at her house right before the earthquake struck. I kind of want to read about it. I hope the Droids were playing. Apparently Steven and Billie were the party chaperones. Eh. Could do better, could do worse. Someone better have been pushed in the pool, is all I'm sayin', is all.
Anyway, all these unconscious teenagers are lying about. It's John Pfeifer's paradise! I'm sorry, that was horrible. They're all half-dead, it seems, and Liz feels both sad and terrified. Almost every minor Sweet Valley character from the past eighty books gets a mention, including one Devon Whitelaw, the guy for whom Liz broke up with Todd in the previous miniseries.
I don't think that any of the Devon Whitelaw books have been recapped yet, so I'll quickly introduce him. Devon, 1bruce1 members; 1bruce1 members, Devon. Devon has Lila's daddy issues, Enid's seedy past, Bruce's wealth, Conner's whininess, and nobody's awesomeness. Also, both twins were in love with him. So was Enid. Hee. Poor Enid. She had no chance. I also heard a rumour that Devon started life as a character on the TV series and Francine Pascal decided to introduce him into the books as well. If this is true, that is pathetic. Not that I have anything against the trashy, wonderful TV series, but you don't take your cues from it, you know?
Liz wanders around her backyard and stares at all her dying friends. Now, admittedly I have never lived in an area where earthquakes have been a serious issue, but it seems to me that if you're surrounded by falling buildings and everyone around you can barely stand up, surely the best thing to do would be to leave the area, taking anyone who can be moved with you? But Liz doesn't attempt to leave, and she doesn't attempt to help anyone. She just stares. And freaks out about Jessica a little bit. But mostly she stares.
By the way, Ronnie Edwards is dead. Don't cry too hard, now.
Liz talks to A.J. Morgan and Caroline Pearce. Everyone hates Caroline, and A.J. is Jessica's ex and was never especially friendly with Liz, so I don't know why they came to the twins' party. A.J. proposes that they start moving people away from the house, and after some deliberation, Liz agrees. Isn't that what I just sugges- You know what? Never mind. Also, Liz notices that a fire has started blazing in the house next door, and she realises that it's going to spread to her house pretty quickly.
Obligatory mention of Bruce Patman, running away from the house back to see his parents. But has 1bruce1 escaped unscathed?! We are never told. Also, I think we're meant to see Bruce as a coward for running away, but I can't really blame him. Also also, why was Bruce there, anyway? Don't both the twins hate him? Do they have any of their actual friends at this party?
Prince Albert is alive, and he won't shut up barking. I wonder what happened to Prince Albert in Senior Year. It's one thing for Liz and Jessica to lose contact with Winston and Amy and Enid, but quite another for them to lose contact with their own dog. Anyway, Liz is glad to see him alive and well, and she gives him cuddles. Mention of Maria Slater, whom Liz has known "since elementary school". Everyone familiar with SVT will know that this is a filthy bastard lie - they didn't meet until sixth grade. Fire the fact-checker! Get me the president on the line! Bring me a pastrami on rye!
Suddenly a bunch of live wires, brought up from under the ground by the earthquake, start sparking near Enid, who's lying in a puddle of water! She's going to get electromacuted! Liz resolves to rescue her.
Winston wanders over and asks Devon if he has a cell phone he could borrow, and Devon is irritated by the fact that "just because he'd inherited some money, everyone assumed...he owned every high tech gadget". Whatever, Devon. It wasn't just the impossibly wealthy who had cell phones in 1999 (when this book was published). And anyway, ex-fucking-scuse Winston for asking you if he could borrow your phone to help resolve a crisis.
Devon tells Winston that he might as well not bother calling the fire brigade, as all his friends inside the Wakefields' house would probably have been killed. Devon is so charming. I can certainly see why Liz fell for him! When he's told that Todd is trapped inside the house as well, Devon is even more adamant not to help search for survivors. He's obnoxious to Winston, and eventually Winston just gives up and goes off to call the fire-brigade. Devon just wants to go home.
Liz looks at her watch and sees that it's midnight: "The twins' seventeenth birthday was over." It is so weird to think of the twins as seventeen. In my mind, they can be seven, twelve, sixteen, or eighteen. No in-betweensies. Although assuming Sweet Valley Heights goes ahead, I am quite excited about the prospect of Jessica being a Julie Cooper-esque mother from Hell.
Liz shouts and shouts, but no one comes over to help rescue Enid. I can't decide if this is tragic or hilarious. Poor Enid. She runs over to Devon and he's like, "Bitch, you crazy." Again I say, whatever, Devon. I can't say that your stance is unsympathetic, but you're being such an ass about it that I can't be bothered to side with you. I don't even want to recap you. There's actually a lot more of Devon in this book which I haven't included because every time I read a scene in which he features, I want to put the book down and go back to the literary magazine. Anyway, Devon runs away, calling himself a survivor. Good riddance. Liz shouts after him angrily, then trips on the earthquake-dented patio and falls into the pool. It's a pool-push from Mother Nature herself!
Liz struggles out of the pool...only to find herself face to face with a rattlesnake. I have to admit, I laughed out loud when I read that. This is just not Liz's day. Liz grapples with it for a minute or so before flipping it into the pool.
Incidentally, it's been 111 pages since Liz first realised that Enid was in danger. Admittedly the other storylines have been going on at the same time, but still. Liz is lucky that Enid hasn't fried to death by now. Seriously, Enid's just on the other side of the yard, but from reading this book you'd think that Liz is trapped in the opening scene of Indiana Jones. As if to prove my point, Liz now has to jump through a ring of fire. She succeeds and finally she gets to Enid - but she won't wake up and Liz has to drag her away from the flames lapping at her ankles.
Once Enid is finally safe, away from fire, flood, famine, live wires, ROUS's, and any other possible calamity that could befall her, Liz faints. Some guy carries her to safety, but we're not told who he is. I think we're meant to think that it's Devon, but I've read the next book and it totally isn't. Uh, I can't remember who it actually is, though. Randy Mason, maybe? He had the whole guardian angel thing with Jessica in college, after all.
C plot
Ken and Olivia are trapped in the Wakefields' kitchen. Ken is safe from harm but Olivia has been crushed under the fridge, and he can't see her anymore. She's unconscious as well - or at least, she's not replying to his frantic shouts - which is obviously bad. Ken thinks about her and how when he last saw her "her lips shone softly from his last kiss". Ken, dude. Control that tongue.
Winston Egbert and Maria Santelli work their way into the kitchen. They help Ken to move the rubble away from the area where Olivia last was, and they see that she's been crushed. Also, Winston has freckles! Can you believe it? Freckles! Did anyone else know about this? Olivia regains some consciousness - her eyes are wide open but "she didn't seem to see him at all" - and appears to be in a lot of pain.
Olivia comes to her senses. She sees Ken, and she thinks about how handsome he is. These kids and their priorities. She feels cold and her head is spinning. Her body starts to feel numb and she slowly realises that she's going to be paralysed, assuming she manages to get out alive. Cree. Pee. She accepts that she's dying in about half a paragraph. Ken holds her hand and they reminisce about how they met on an online chatroom. Then we get this: "She could feel his love washing over her like a soft, balmy rain shower on a summer day." Watersports, Ken?! Is this really the time?
Olivia slips into unconsciousness and Ken takes a good look at her. She's in pretty bad shape. A splinter of bone is poking out of one of her legs, she has a gash on her head, her body is twisted, her arm is broken, and "bright bursts of blood stained the front of her print dress like a sick parody of the tie-dye fashions she used to wear". Also, she started coughing up blood a few minutes ago. Man, I feel so bad for Olivia. She wakes up for a few moments but she keeps slipping in and out of consciousness. Ken tells her stories about the good times they spent together because he doesn't know what else to do.
Olivia's vision starts to flicker and she quotes William Blake's Tyger, Tyger. Because I know that when I'm dying of horrible, paralysis-via-fridge related injuries, I'm totally going to be talking about the Romantic poets, rather than screaming, "Oh, shit, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, Jesus, get it off me!" (Is it bitchy to nitpick the thoughts of a dying girl?) She coughs up blood. She tells Ken once more to go for help and, reluctantly, he agrees at last. On his way, he thinks about how free-spirited Olivia is: for example, she reads Shakespeare on the beach rather than fashion magazines. I like how that's the edgiest thing that the ghost-writer can think of for a nonconformist girl to do.
Stumbling outside, he trips over a bookcase that he recognises from Liz's room, which I guess implies that half the wall has been ripped out. That's pretty awesome. But aw, man, this must mean that the Hershey Bar is a total disaster area as well! The question is, will anyone be able to tell the difference.
The EMT guys manage to dig past the rubble to get into the Wakefields' kitchen. They're too late, though. Olivia is dead. For now! But seriously, she dies off-page? Weak. Secretly I think that it's kind of sad that Olivia dies. Sadder even than Heroically Deaf Regina being ded from coke. She's classic Sweet Valley, you know?
Ken cries and refuses to believe it at first. Then the fire-fighters find a random picture of Ken that Olivia painted. Why is it in the kitchen? Did she bring it to the party? Was it a present for Liz and Jessica? (That would be hilariously bitchy of her if it was, considering that both twins have dated Ken.) Why wasn't it destroyed by the earthquake or the fire or the live wires? Alas, these questions are not answered, so let us move on to...
D plot
Todd and Lila are stuck in the Wakefields' bathroom together. I grin goofily because this is the best sitcom set-up ever. Apparently Todd barged in while Lila was applying her makeup, and it's implied that he did this before the start of the earthquake. I'm sure there's a good explanation but it's not given in this book, and it's more amusing to imagine that Todd is just too nouveau riche to understand that normal people don't do that sort of thing.
Lila pulls out a book of matches from her purse - this is continuity from the Inferno miniseries, where it's established that she always steals books of matches whenever she goes to restaurants - and lights a decorative candle so that they can see each other (remember: ten o'clock at night!). Neither of them are too impressed with what they see.
Todd remembers staring at Liz's pretty, pretty hair earlier at the party and thinking about how he's loved her his entire life - before Devon came along and stole her away from him. I've just noticed that Todd sometimes has a sort of Fitzgeraldian, poor-boy-works-hard-to-become-rich semi-innocent quality about him. I hope in Sweet Valley Heights Todd ends up being shot through the head in the Wakefields' pool by way of a metaphor for the American Dream. I mean, I love Todd, but that would just be awesome.
Also, it's just occurred to me: why was Todd at the party? I'm not saying that you can't be friends with your ex, but if I'd had a messy break-up with someone in the recent past - especially if she'd been cheating on me with some guy, and even more especially if that guy was Devon Whitelaw - I can't say I'd be too enthusiastic about wishing her birthday cheer. Then again, the twins invited a guy who tried to rape Liz one time, so I guess their party is just a free-for-all.
The power goes and apparently the light fixture is busted. I thought it was busted already. Isn't that why they're sitting in candlelight? Am I the only person paying attention to what's going on?
Todd and Lila bitch about the circumstances and say mean things to each other. Todd says, "Like I'd spend my summer vacation with you. I'd rather eat ground glass," and Lila scoops up some shards of glass from the floor and says, "Bon appetit." Hee hee hee. The Todd/Lila snarky interactions in this book are really good. I want to quote them all. But I won't because this recap is a million pages long already. Anyway, Todd worries about the structural damage that has been done to the house and Lila sasses him some more.
Apparently it's Friday the thirteenth. I want to make a joke about that regarding the twins' birthday, but I'm too tired. Trivia buffs, note that if the twins are Gemini, their birthday is officially the thirteenth of June. And if you know that one grain of information, you'll never be at a loss for food, shelter, or gainful employment, so it's worth remembering.
Lila tells Todd to find a way out of the room, and threatens to sue him if he doesn't. Ha! Todd punches the wall - and nothing happens! Todd sinks to his knees, shaking his fists. "KHAAAAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAN!" he cries. Not really. I don't like this book very much, so I have to make my own fun, like pretending that Todd is Captain of the Enterprise. Things go from bad to worse when they notice that the building is on fire. Poor Lila freaks out about it: she remembers the fire which burnt down Fowler Crest in the Inferno miniseries. Todd just kind of stands there, thinking about how much he hates Devon. And Lila. And Khan.
Lila, recovered from her tears, glumly thinks about how she'll never get to gamble in Monte Carlo. Then we get the gloriously bitchy, "Dying with Todd was worse than dying alone." Ha! Why no love for the Toddster, Lila? Then Lila thinks about Jessica and how much she cares about her. Awwww. It's a really cool moment in the book, and it lasts for nearly two pages! I'm glad the ghost-writer decided to acknowledge their friendship. Lila thinks that Jessica is the only person in the world that she'd count as a close friend, and now she's going to die all alone. Except for stupid Todd. She starts to cry again. Poor, poor Lila.
Todd hugs her again, though, and she feels better. They get into the bathtub, as far away from the flames as they possibly can. Still hugging, Lila tells Todd that she never liked him but she wishes she'd been nicer to him. Todd thanks her. What else could he say, really? Then they make out. It's kind of gross.
Then a bunch of fire-fighters break into the bathroom and rescue them. Dramatically, the very instant that they step out of the bathroom, the entire room bursts into flames. Dudes, if it was that hot in such a confined space...how were you still fully conscious?
So there you have it. Three deaths. A couple of near-deaths. Todd and Lila making out. Things are never going to be the same in Sweet Valley again! To commemorate this epic occasion, here is a poll.
Poll