Sweet Valley High #103: Operation Love Match
Sweet Valley High #103: Operation Love Match
This is the third in a three part series (late in SVH's run, everything was trilogies). I don't have the other two (#101: The Boyfriend War, and #102: Almost Married). Perhaps someone can recap them for us? (They've got Bruce/Liz action! Come on! How can you resist!)
Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead with this one without the other two because I doubt we'll have any trouble catching up with the highly sophisticated and complicated plot.
Cover image can be found here. Don't cry, Emo Bruce Patman!
Previously on the books someone needs to recap STAT, Liz found a picture of Alice Wakefield with Bruce's dad, Hank, and immediately decided that they were a) secretly married before, and b) now having an affair. Look conclusions! Let's jump to them! Then she and Bruce got all snuggly which is gross if you remember they both thought their parents were married/dating and that would make them once and future related. After finding out about Liz/Bruce, Regina look-a-like Pamela dumped Bruce. But then Bruce realized he only ever loved Pamela. (To add insult to injury, Liz quickly got back with Todd after macking with Bruce.) Oh noes! At least Bruce didn't realize he “loved” a girl after she was dead from coke, like last time. Step in the right direction? Or no?
Lila tells Jessica that “Dame Fortune” who writes the horoscopes in Sweet Sixteen magazine has dire predictions for Jessica this month. Bad things will happen. Apparently Mercury is in retrograde and this is... bad? I don't know. I never read my horoscope except to laugh at it.
More importantly, a new senior has moved to Sweet Valley. His name is Michael Hampton. We're told that he looks like a movie star (don't they all look like movie stars in Sweet Valley?) and drives a Mazda Miata, so naturally Jessica is in love. Amy and Lila want to date him too. But Jessica thinks she “understands” him in a way they don't. I don't know what this means.
Meanwhile, Liz and Bruce Patman are waiting for Jessica on the football field but she is late because Mercury is in retrograde (for reals, that's her excuse). Liz thinks of Jessica's zodiac obsession as one of her crazy phases. She mentions the Good Friends cult as well as Club X as obsessions of hers that nearly got her killed. But fails to mention that the guy standing next to her was responsible for that whole Club X near-death. (Someone pretty, pretty please recap that too! I'm dying over here!)
Because of the alleged Alice Wakefield affair, Bruce's parents are having trouble and are about to get divorced. All this makes usually cocky Bruce a very sad boy. And dull, actually. I'm a little disappointed. For Christ's sake, you're Bruce Patman! Start a gang! Try to rape a girl! Push someone in the pool! Stop being emo on the football field!
Now the plan, and I'm not sure I can type this up without laughing. Last book, Bruce, Alice, and Liz all decided they needed to get Mr. and Mrs. Patman back together. Their point person on this monumental task? Jessica. They say she is an “expert” (and I use sarcastic air quotes) on matters of the heart.
I am just astonished that anyone thought this was a good idea, even if Mercury wasn't in retrograde. Seriously, if I wanted someone to scheme to get parents back together I would totally go with one Ms. Lila Fowler. Not only is she the head bitch in charge of scheming. She also stopped her dad from marrying a gold digger and reunited her own parents, so she's got experience. (If I'm not mistaken, that happened in “The Wedding” which is #98, not five books ago! Sweet Valley Highers have the attention spans of goldfish!)
Anyway, back to the terrible plan: Jessica thinks Mrs. Patman believes Bruce's father is having an affair with Alice Wakefield because she feels neglected. She quickly shoots down Liz's idea of simply calling Mrs. Patman and saying, “Hi, you're husband's not having an affair” for a more elaborate scheme. She looks up their signs in her horoscope book and decides that Hank (that's Bruce's dad) needs to write her a love letter. But really Jessica will write it. Because, of the twins, Jessica is the great writer.
Jessica writes a truly dreadful love letter to Marie Patman (they say that's her name but I feel like it wasn't in Bruce's Story but I'm too lazy to check). Then Jess sprays cologne and mails it. Except she forgets to put a stamp on the letter. So she goes to try to dig it out of the mailbox, and her arm gets stuck. Then the police come and tell her tampering with the mail is a federal offense. Oh, and Michael Hampton drives by at just that moment. He comes over and Jessica is embarrassed so when the police ask her name she tells them she is Elizabeth Wakefield before they take her to the police station.
Liz comes home from making out with Todd (they spend an awful lot of time talking about Bruce while at Miller's Point. How romantic!) to find her parents just sprung Jessica from the clink. Her parents ground her and Jessica for a week because of the previous book's shenanigans. After her “hard time” (chortle) and grounding, Jessica thinks she's having really bad luck and doesn't want to proceed with the Bruce Patman Parent Trap. Liz forces her anyway.
At school the next day, Bruce and Liz talk at lunch. Lila and Amy have a (comical) fight with Ken and Winston about the merits of astrology. Meanwhile, Bruce tries to get Pamela to look at him, but she won't. And Liz is surprised to see that Michael Hampton is checking her out. She thinks that's odd since she never met him (or so she thinks). Jessica was supposed to meet them all at lunch but she gets (comically) stuck in her own locker. Oh that Mercury in retrograde is a bitch. But, gee, I wonder why it doesn't make Liz (comically) stuck in lockers?
Instead the three meet at the Dairi Burger later (aren't the twins grounded?). Jessica's new stupid plan is to keep the divorce lawyers from arriving at the Patmans's scheduled meeting the next day. That way they're forced to be alone with each other. Because divorcing couples should be made to fight it out alone in a room together like it's Thunderdome?
Jessica talks to Michael and he appears entirely uninterested. Jessica could not be more oblivious. We learn he's literary and his father is a filmmaker. Michael feels awkward and lonely; he thinks klutzy Liz is more his type than popular Jessica. And he resolves to ask her out. Someone should warn him about Todd's penchant for hitting people... (But it won't be me, because that shit would be hilarious.)
Bruce picks up the twins at five o'clock the next morning. Jessica is (comically) tired. It starts to rain on the drive to the lawyers' house (The lawyers are conveniently a married couple, which seems like a conflict of interest to me). The rain is important because Jessica has to grab a scarf and Bruce has to lend her his raincoat. The plan is apparently to Krazy Glue the car doors and ignition so they cannot drive to the meeting. But Jessica accidentally honks the horn of the car she is to Krazy Glue, and they have to beat a hasty retreat. Why this would ever work I don't know. They could just call the Patmans for a ride. Carpooling saves the Earth and stops schemers!
At the Patman mansion, Bruce wanders around the empty house thinking of happy memories of his parents and generally being emo. This leads to thoughts of Regina which leads to thoughts of Pamela and he starts to cry. BRUCE PATMAN IS CRYING! Emo!Bruce totally freaks me out.
Wednesday, Jessica encounters Lila in the school bathroom. She is dressing up like her mother. Meanwhile, Bruce tries to reconcile with Pamela but she blows him off when Jessica arrives, believing the twin in question to be Elizabeth. There's a (comic) accident in which Jessica loses her shoe and has to retrieve it underneath another car. Michael shows up, as he does whenever Jessica is doing something klutzy. Then when she retrieves the show, the wind blows up her skirt and her Days of the Week underwear are revealed for all to see. Bruce does not even comment on her underwear. Something is very, very wrong.
Jessica is then to go to the building in which the Patmans and lawyers are to meet, get in by pretending to be Alice and place a bunch of sentimental photos on the table. Except she gets stuck in the elevator (comically). Jessica has nothing to do but look at the photo album and, apparently the memories are misty and watercolored, because she decides she really wants to get them together now. Before she was just doing it because Liz was making her.
Maire Patman arrives at the building at nearly the same time Henry does. She thinks that since Henry has made no attempt to stop her from leaving him that is proof enough that he is having an affair. Henry, on the other hand, thinks everything was fine and then one day Marie went crazy accusing him of having an affair. He thinks she's turned into a suspicious, jealous woman, not the one he married. They are forced to wait in the waiting room for the Lawyer Couple to arrive. Marie complains that everything is going wrong and suggests the next thing you know the electricity is going out.
This is apparently a reference to their honeymoon, like we were supposed to know that. On their honeymoon, the lights went out. (Shouldn't rich people have stayed at a better hotel?) Then, of course, the lights suddenly go out which is something to do with Jessica stuck in the elevator. While the receptionist goes to figure out what's going on, the Patmans reminisce about better times when they were happy in Paris.
Suddenly deciding he actually cares about his wife (which he should have done weeks ago, I'd think), Henry tells Marie he never had an affair with Alice Wakefield. They agree to go to brunch together and talk things out. Except Hank picks that moment to pull a handkerchief out of the pocket of “his” raincoat and it turns out to be a pink, chiffon scarf with the word Alice written on it. Marie freaks out and leaves.
Next day, emo!Liz sits and tries to write in her journal. Liz has a really dull journal. I would not be her LJ friend. Anyway, she writes that she needs to get the Patmans back together to prove that her fling with Bruce was just a fling (I don't know how this works or why, but that's what she thinks). She writes in her journal that she can't understand why Todd doesn't understand but I don't understand so I'm actually with Todd on this one (if you can believe it). Apparently, Alice's brief fling with Hank was like Liz's with Bruce. And she needs the Patmans back together to prove that Bruce belongs with (someone else? Pamela?) and she belongs with Todd.
Jesus, Liz, not everything is all about you.
Jessica appears. She tells us her alarm didn't go off, she lost her term paper and it's all because Mercury is in retrograde. Apparently teacher's shouldn't dare assign assignments when the planets are not properly aligned. Just a note to you current and future teachers to take these things into consideration. Jessica's hair and makeup are also a mess, so when the twins arrive at school (late) and see Michael, Jessica calls Liz “Jessica.” Her sister thinks Jessica is losing her mind because Mercury is in retrograde. I think she's just losing her mind. Or possibly it was already lost.
The next scene isn't really important, but I'm going to recap it anyway because it contains Lila Fowler pearls of wisdom. Lila went on a date with a guy who turned out to be a dud. Firstly, all he talked about was himself, which is bad form. Secondly, he took her to a Mexican restaurant on the first date. Lila is not against Mexican food but she thinks “rice and beans” are bad on a first date. Take notes, people.
Lila has now set her sights on Michael. But Jessica is already interested. If there were a Sweet Valley drinking game, you would drink every time Lila and Jessica wanted the same guy. Jess goes to talk to Michael but all he does is ask her about Elizabeth. She thinks he's playing hard to get. Jessica is insane.
Winston and Maria are having a party that evening (drink!) but Jessica can't go because she's grounded. I thought the writers forgot about that. Lila is rubbing it in her nose when they see that her locker has flowers left on it. But they are addressed to Elizabeth. Jessica can't understand why someone would think that was Liz's locker. (An aside, wasn't there a time when the twins shared a locker or something? Was that SVT?) Jessica thinks the flowers are from Todd which is stupid because Todd would know whose locker was whose as he's joined to Liz at the hip, and she gives them to Liz without reading the card.
The flowers are of course from Michael. The card is a truly horrendous poem about how he loves her because she “trips like he does.” Liz realizes what's up. But instead of just telling Jessica the boy she has a crush on likes her back but thinks she's Elizabeth, Liz decides to do some matchmaking of her own. BECAUSE THE SHIT WITH THE PATMANS IS GOING SO FREAKING WELL!
Liz goes and tells Todd her stupid plan. She's going to meet Michael after school and say she's Liz but act like Jessica. Somehow this is going to convince Michael it's really Jessica he wants. Todd actually tells Liz this is a brilliant idea. I am so NOT with you on this one, Wilkins.
Liz is a complete asshole on her ride home with Michael. She chews gum loudly. (Note to readers: if you chew gum loudly, I hate you.) She recognizes her split level ranch because it's the one with the mailbox Jessica got caught in. Liz pointedly acts like she doesn't know what he's talking about; she never got caught in a mailbox. Then when Liz heads inside, Jessica comes out and trips. Michael realizes he really loves Jessica. He realizes she was just trying to cover her clumsiness by pretending to be Liz. And he thinks he's found his soul mate. What?!?
If he were smart he'd drive away quickly and have nothing to do with either of these crazy twins.
Jessica's third stupid plan to get the Patman's back together is to send Marie lots of flowers. Except Bruce doesn't know what kind of flowers she likes. He says she likes gold. So Jessica orders tons of goldenrods to be sent to Marie. It happens later, but I'll tell you know because you'll probably guess: Marie is highly allergic to goldenrods. And when the huge lot of flowers arrives at her door, she has to be taken to the hospital. Bruce blames Jessica, but really he was the one who didn't know his mother's allergies. He tells Jessica he doesn't want her to do anymore scheming on his behalf, which he should have said in the beginning. Liz, on the other hand, says Jessica better come up with something really good, really fast. Liz, I don't know what to say to you except that you are really dense.
Lila takes Michael to Winton and Maria's party. He only agreed to go because he thought he'd get to be around Jessica, but she's grounded. He doesn't feel comfortable around Lila. She's clearly too much awesome for him to handle. Bruce shows up and tries to talk to Pamela. But Amy and Caroline (always sensitive to other people's feelings) ask Bruce where Liz is and say they saw them at the Dairi Burger together. Pamela gets up and leaves. Michael wishes he could do the same.
Hank shows up to Marie's hospital bed. Apparently, he was the one she called when she started having her allergy attack. How about 911, genius? Anyway, Hank is now taking care of her. She's annoyed he is treating her like an invalid until she remembers he was supposed to close some big deal in Washington that day. He tells her she's more important than any deal. It sounds sweet, except Marie is still pissed about the scarf. She thinks he wants to have his cake and eat it too (I'm not sure if Alice is the cake or the eat it too), so she tells him to leave.
Lila and Jessica are tanning by the pool. Lila has theories about achieving the perfect tan; I'd tell you those pearls of wisdom too but I don't want you to get skin cancer. You're welcome. Liz shows up and asks Jessica what the new plan is. Jessica says they have to get Alice involved now; get her to “tell Marie” how it would never work with Hank. Liz doesn't think Alice will agree. Jessica says all she has to do is pretend it's still part of the English paper and record the conversation (note: what started these shenanigans was Mr. Collins assigned Liz to write a biography of someone and she chose her mother which I don't think should be allowed for a school project, but anyway, that's how all the dirt about Hank got kicked up).
Jessica tests the tape recorder and accidentally tapes herself and Lila talking about Liz's brief affair with Bruce and the collapse of the Patman's marriage. Meanwhile, Liz and Todd go for a walk on the beach (even though she's grounded! Unfair!). They make out. Liz complains about how badly their plans have gone, and really who could have seen that coming? Todd tells Liz that she can only “help” so much and eventually the Patmans are going to have to “help” themselves.
OMG. Todd is the smart one in the book. My world is collapsing in on itself. SEND HALP.
Liz tapes Alice while they chop vegetables for dinner. The twins drive to Marie's house (she moved out) and Jessica notes what a dump it is, because Jessica is always classy. Except Jessica screws this up somehow and accidentally puts the tape of her and Lila in Marie's mailbox instead of the tape of Alice.
Jessica then comes up with a fourth (fifth?) plan: she, Liz and Bruce are going to stage an intervention. Funny, I don't remember Connor being in this book at all.
Michael calls and asks Jessica out.
The twins head to Bruce's house and start rifling through Hank and Marie's old things. They find love letters which Bruce thinks are sappy and Liz thinks are romantic. I'm sort of glad he doesn't read them and weep or something terrifying like that. Anyway, they bring all the old shit (pictures, brochures from their honeymoon, etc) downstairs and plan put an “old record” of “All You Need is Love” on, when Bruce has scheduled his parents to arrive tomorrow.
Bruce has to drive to get a movie projector and 1bruce1 gets a flat. He wonders how “his baby” could fail him at such an important time.
So when the Marie Patman arrives at the mansion, Bruce and the twins are not there. Henry is though. She finds “his” coat slung carelessly over a chair and she goes to put it in the closet. Only to find a keyring that says “Jessica” in the pocket along with the scarf that says “Alice.” When she inspects it closer, she realizes that it is Bruce's coat, not Henry's. Why Hank continued wearing the coat that wasn't his and further, even if he thought it was his, why he kept Alice's scarf, I don't know.
Henry is suspicious of all the magical memories (tm) laid out for them to find. He thinks it's best to repress these memories since his marriage is over. Marie wants to talk (now that she realized she was wrong about the affair). But Henry says she doesn't trust him and a marriage without trust is nothing. She says she does (which, um, she kinda didn't for this entire book?) and that she loves him. They kiss and makeup.
Bruce and the twins arrive late. They walk in on Henry and Marie making out. Yay! They are pleased because “their” plan worked. But I think, really, all their plans failed and it was 1bruce1's flat tire that saved them all. Way to go, 1bruce1.
The next day, Bruce sees Pamela and tells her the truth about why he was spending so much time with Liz and Jessica. She thinks it's hysterical how much shit went wrong. He kinda-sorta apologizes, but not really. He is Bruce Patman after all (and thank god, no longer emo!Bruce). They make out. And then, at lunch, he makes fun of Jessica about being stuck in the locker.
Aw. Our Bruce is back, ya'll. Yay?
Lila, Liz and Jessica talk at lunch. Turns out Jessica's date with Michael went really badly. He's a total klutz! Imagine! So Jessica is ditching him. But that's okay, I'm sure she'll find a guy in the next book when she and Liz go to London. Snerk.
This is the third in a three part series (late in SVH's run, everything was trilogies). I don't have the other two (#101: The Boyfriend War, and #102: Almost Married). Perhaps someone can recap them for us? (They've got Bruce/Liz action! Come on! How can you resist!)
Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead with this one without the other two because I doubt we'll have any trouble catching up with the highly sophisticated and complicated plot.
Cover image can be found here. Don't cry, Emo Bruce Patman!
Previously on the books someone needs to recap STAT, Liz found a picture of Alice Wakefield with Bruce's dad, Hank, and immediately decided that they were a) secretly married before, and b) now having an affair. Look conclusions! Let's jump to them! Then she and Bruce got all snuggly which is gross if you remember they both thought their parents were married/dating and that would make them once and future related. After finding out about Liz/Bruce, Regina look-a-like Pamela dumped Bruce. But then Bruce realized he only ever loved Pamela. (To add insult to injury, Liz quickly got back with Todd after macking with Bruce.) Oh noes! At least Bruce didn't realize he “loved” a girl after she was dead from coke, like last time. Step in the right direction? Or no?
Lila tells Jessica that “Dame Fortune” who writes the horoscopes in Sweet Sixteen magazine has dire predictions for Jessica this month. Bad things will happen. Apparently Mercury is in retrograde and this is... bad? I don't know. I never read my horoscope except to laugh at it.
More importantly, a new senior has moved to Sweet Valley. His name is Michael Hampton. We're told that he looks like a movie star (don't they all look like movie stars in Sweet Valley?) and drives a Mazda Miata, so naturally Jessica is in love. Amy and Lila want to date him too. But Jessica thinks she “understands” him in a way they don't. I don't know what this means.
Meanwhile, Liz and Bruce Patman are waiting for Jessica on the football field but she is late because Mercury is in retrograde (for reals, that's her excuse). Liz thinks of Jessica's zodiac obsession as one of her crazy phases. She mentions the Good Friends cult as well as Club X as obsessions of hers that nearly got her killed. But fails to mention that the guy standing next to her was responsible for that whole Club X near-death. (Someone pretty, pretty please recap that too! I'm dying over here!)
Because of the alleged Alice Wakefield affair, Bruce's parents are having trouble and are about to get divorced. All this makes usually cocky Bruce a very sad boy. And dull, actually. I'm a little disappointed. For Christ's sake, you're Bruce Patman! Start a gang! Try to rape a girl! Push someone in the pool! Stop being emo on the football field!
Now the plan, and I'm not sure I can type this up without laughing. Last book, Bruce, Alice, and Liz all decided they needed to get Mr. and Mrs. Patman back together. Their point person on this monumental task? Jessica. They say she is an “expert” (and I use sarcastic air quotes) on matters of the heart.
I am just astonished that anyone thought this was a good idea, even if Mercury wasn't in retrograde. Seriously, if I wanted someone to scheme to get parents back together I would totally go with one Ms. Lila Fowler. Not only is she the head bitch in charge of scheming. She also stopped her dad from marrying a gold digger and reunited her own parents, so she's got experience. (If I'm not mistaken, that happened in “The Wedding” which is #98, not five books ago! Sweet Valley Highers have the attention spans of goldfish!)
Anyway, back to the terrible plan: Jessica thinks Mrs. Patman believes Bruce's father is having an affair with Alice Wakefield because she feels neglected. She quickly shoots down Liz's idea of simply calling Mrs. Patman and saying, “Hi, you're husband's not having an affair” for a more elaborate scheme. She looks up their signs in her horoscope book and decides that Hank (that's Bruce's dad) needs to write her a love letter. But really Jessica will write it. Because, of the twins, Jessica is the great writer.
Jessica writes a truly dreadful love letter to Marie Patman (they say that's her name but I feel like it wasn't in Bruce's Story but I'm too lazy to check). Then Jess sprays cologne and mails it. Except she forgets to put a stamp on the letter. So she goes to try to dig it out of the mailbox, and her arm gets stuck. Then the police come and tell her tampering with the mail is a federal offense. Oh, and Michael Hampton drives by at just that moment. He comes over and Jessica is embarrassed so when the police ask her name she tells them she is Elizabeth Wakefield before they take her to the police station.
Liz comes home from making out with Todd (they spend an awful lot of time talking about Bruce while at Miller's Point. How romantic!) to find her parents just sprung Jessica from the clink. Her parents ground her and Jessica for a week because of the previous book's shenanigans. After her “hard time” (chortle) and grounding, Jessica thinks she's having really bad luck and doesn't want to proceed with the Bruce Patman Parent Trap. Liz forces her anyway.
At school the next day, Bruce and Liz talk at lunch. Lila and Amy have a (comical) fight with Ken and Winston about the merits of astrology. Meanwhile, Bruce tries to get Pamela to look at him, but she won't. And Liz is surprised to see that Michael Hampton is checking her out. She thinks that's odd since she never met him (or so she thinks). Jessica was supposed to meet them all at lunch but she gets (comically) stuck in her own locker. Oh that Mercury in retrograde is a bitch. But, gee, I wonder why it doesn't make Liz (comically) stuck in lockers?
Instead the three meet at the Dairi Burger later (aren't the twins grounded?). Jessica's new stupid plan is to keep the divorce lawyers from arriving at the Patmans's scheduled meeting the next day. That way they're forced to be alone with each other. Because divorcing couples should be made to fight it out alone in a room together like it's Thunderdome?
Jessica talks to Michael and he appears entirely uninterested. Jessica could not be more oblivious. We learn he's literary and his father is a filmmaker. Michael feels awkward and lonely; he thinks klutzy Liz is more his type than popular Jessica. And he resolves to ask her out. Someone should warn him about Todd's penchant for hitting people... (But it won't be me, because that shit would be hilarious.)
Bruce picks up the twins at five o'clock the next morning. Jessica is (comically) tired. It starts to rain on the drive to the lawyers' house (The lawyers are conveniently a married couple, which seems like a conflict of interest to me). The rain is important because Jessica has to grab a scarf and Bruce has to lend her his raincoat. The plan is apparently to Krazy Glue the car doors and ignition so they cannot drive to the meeting. But Jessica accidentally honks the horn of the car she is to Krazy Glue, and they have to beat a hasty retreat. Why this would ever work I don't know. They could just call the Patmans for a ride. Carpooling saves the Earth and stops schemers!
At the Patman mansion, Bruce wanders around the empty house thinking of happy memories of his parents and generally being emo. This leads to thoughts of Regina which leads to thoughts of Pamela and he starts to cry. BRUCE PATMAN IS CRYING! Emo!Bruce totally freaks me out.
Wednesday, Jessica encounters Lila in the school bathroom. She is dressing up like her mother. Meanwhile, Bruce tries to reconcile with Pamela but she blows him off when Jessica arrives, believing the twin in question to be Elizabeth. There's a (comic) accident in which Jessica loses her shoe and has to retrieve it underneath another car. Michael shows up, as he does whenever Jessica is doing something klutzy. Then when she retrieves the show, the wind blows up her skirt and her Days of the Week underwear are revealed for all to see. Bruce does not even comment on her underwear. Something is very, very wrong.
Jessica is then to go to the building in which the Patmans and lawyers are to meet, get in by pretending to be Alice and place a bunch of sentimental photos on the table. Except she gets stuck in the elevator (comically). Jessica has nothing to do but look at the photo album and, apparently the memories are misty and watercolored, because she decides she really wants to get them together now. Before she was just doing it because Liz was making her.
Maire Patman arrives at the building at nearly the same time Henry does. She thinks that since Henry has made no attempt to stop her from leaving him that is proof enough that he is having an affair. Henry, on the other hand, thinks everything was fine and then one day Marie went crazy accusing him of having an affair. He thinks she's turned into a suspicious, jealous woman, not the one he married. They are forced to wait in the waiting room for the Lawyer Couple to arrive. Marie complains that everything is going wrong and suggests the next thing you know the electricity is going out.
This is apparently a reference to their honeymoon, like we were supposed to know that. On their honeymoon, the lights went out. (Shouldn't rich people have stayed at a better hotel?) Then, of course, the lights suddenly go out which is something to do with Jessica stuck in the elevator. While the receptionist goes to figure out what's going on, the Patmans reminisce about better times when they were happy in Paris.
Suddenly deciding he actually cares about his wife (which he should have done weeks ago, I'd think), Henry tells Marie he never had an affair with Alice Wakefield. They agree to go to brunch together and talk things out. Except Hank picks that moment to pull a handkerchief out of the pocket of “his” raincoat and it turns out to be a pink, chiffon scarf with the word Alice written on it. Marie freaks out and leaves.
Next day, emo!Liz sits and tries to write in her journal. Liz has a really dull journal. I would not be her LJ friend. Anyway, she writes that she needs to get the Patmans back together to prove that her fling with Bruce was just a fling (I don't know how this works or why, but that's what she thinks). She writes in her journal that she can't understand why Todd doesn't understand but I don't understand so I'm actually with Todd on this one (if you can believe it). Apparently, Alice's brief fling with Hank was like Liz's with Bruce. And she needs the Patmans back together to prove that Bruce belongs with (someone else? Pamela?) and she belongs with Todd.
Jesus, Liz, not everything is all about you.
Jessica appears. She tells us her alarm didn't go off, she lost her term paper and it's all because Mercury is in retrograde. Apparently teacher's shouldn't dare assign assignments when the planets are not properly aligned. Just a note to you current and future teachers to take these things into consideration. Jessica's hair and makeup are also a mess, so when the twins arrive at school (late) and see Michael, Jessica calls Liz “Jessica.” Her sister thinks Jessica is losing her mind because Mercury is in retrograde. I think she's just losing her mind. Or possibly it was already lost.
The next scene isn't really important, but I'm going to recap it anyway because it contains Lila Fowler pearls of wisdom. Lila went on a date with a guy who turned out to be a dud. Firstly, all he talked about was himself, which is bad form. Secondly, he took her to a Mexican restaurant on the first date. Lila is not against Mexican food but she thinks “rice and beans” are bad on a first date. Take notes, people.
Lila has now set her sights on Michael. But Jessica is already interested. If there were a Sweet Valley drinking game, you would drink every time Lila and Jessica wanted the same guy. Jess goes to talk to Michael but all he does is ask her about Elizabeth. She thinks he's playing hard to get. Jessica is insane.
Winston and Maria are having a party that evening (drink!) but Jessica can't go because she's grounded. I thought the writers forgot about that. Lila is rubbing it in her nose when they see that her locker has flowers left on it. But they are addressed to Elizabeth. Jessica can't understand why someone would think that was Liz's locker. (An aside, wasn't there a time when the twins shared a locker or something? Was that SVT?) Jessica thinks the flowers are from Todd which is stupid because Todd would know whose locker was whose as he's joined to Liz at the hip, and she gives them to Liz without reading the card.
The flowers are of course from Michael. The card is a truly horrendous poem about how he loves her because she “trips like he does.” Liz realizes what's up. But instead of just telling Jessica the boy she has a crush on likes her back but thinks she's Elizabeth, Liz decides to do some matchmaking of her own. BECAUSE THE SHIT WITH THE PATMANS IS GOING SO FREAKING WELL!
Liz goes and tells Todd her stupid plan. She's going to meet Michael after school and say she's Liz but act like Jessica. Somehow this is going to convince Michael it's really Jessica he wants. Todd actually tells Liz this is a brilliant idea. I am so NOT with you on this one, Wilkins.
Liz is a complete asshole on her ride home with Michael. She chews gum loudly. (Note to readers: if you chew gum loudly, I hate you.) She recognizes her split level ranch because it's the one with the mailbox Jessica got caught in. Liz pointedly acts like she doesn't know what he's talking about; she never got caught in a mailbox. Then when Liz heads inside, Jessica comes out and trips. Michael realizes he really loves Jessica. He realizes she was just trying to cover her clumsiness by pretending to be Liz. And he thinks he's found his soul mate. What?!?
If he were smart he'd drive away quickly and have nothing to do with either of these crazy twins.
Jessica's third stupid plan to get the Patman's back together is to send Marie lots of flowers. Except Bruce doesn't know what kind of flowers she likes. He says she likes gold. So Jessica orders tons of goldenrods to be sent to Marie. It happens later, but I'll tell you know because you'll probably guess: Marie is highly allergic to goldenrods. And when the huge lot of flowers arrives at her door, she has to be taken to the hospital. Bruce blames Jessica, but really he was the one who didn't know his mother's allergies. He tells Jessica he doesn't want her to do anymore scheming on his behalf, which he should have said in the beginning. Liz, on the other hand, says Jessica better come up with something really good, really fast. Liz, I don't know what to say to you except that you are really dense.
Lila takes Michael to Winton and Maria's party. He only agreed to go because he thought he'd get to be around Jessica, but she's grounded. He doesn't feel comfortable around Lila. She's clearly too much awesome for him to handle. Bruce shows up and tries to talk to Pamela. But Amy and Caroline (always sensitive to other people's feelings) ask Bruce where Liz is and say they saw them at the Dairi Burger together. Pamela gets up and leaves. Michael wishes he could do the same.
Hank shows up to Marie's hospital bed. Apparently, he was the one she called when she started having her allergy attack. How about 911, genius? Anyway, Hank is now taking care of her. She's annoyed he is treating her like an invalid until she remembers he was supposed to close some big deal in Washington that day. He tells her she's more important than any deal. It sounds sweet, except Marie is still pissed about the scarf. She thinks he wants to have his cake and eat it too (I'm not sure if Alice is the cake or the eat it too), so she tells him to leave.
Lila and Jessica are tanning by the pool. Lila has theories about achieving the perfect tan; I'd tell you those pearls of wisdom too but I don't want you to get skin cancer. You're welcome. Liz shows up and asks Jessica what the new plan is. Jessica says they have to get Alice involved now; get her to “tell Marie” how it would never work with Hank. Liz doesn't think Alice will agree. Jessica says all she has to do is pretend it's still part of the English paper and record the conversation (note: what started these shenanigans was Mr. Collins assigned Liz to write a biography of someone and she chose her mother which I don't think should be allowed for a school project, but anyway, that's how all the dirt about Hank got kicked up).
Jessica tests the tape recorder and accidentally tapes herself and Lila talking about Liz's brief affair with Bruce and the collapse of the Patman's marriage. Meanwhile, Liz and Todd go for a walk on the beach (even though she's grounded! Unfair!). They make out. Liz complains about how badly their plans have gone, and really who could have seen that coming? Todd tells Liz that she can only “help” so much and eventually the Patmans are going to have to “help” themselves.
OMG. Todd is the smart one in the book. My world is collapsing in on itself. SEND HALP.
Liz tapes Alice while they chop vegetables for dinner. The twins drive to Marie's house (she moved out) and Jessica notes what a dump it is, because Jessica is always classy. Except Jessica screws this up somehow and accidentally puts the tape of her and Lila in Marie's mailbox instead of the tape of Alice.
Jessica then comes up with a fourth (fifth?) plan: she, Liz and Bruce are going to stage an intervention. Funny, I don't remember Connor being in this book at all.
Michael calls and asks Jessica out.
The twins head to Bruce's house and start rifling through Hank and Marie's old things. They find love letters which Bruce thinks are sappy and Liz thinks are romantic. I'm sort of glad he doesn't read them and weep or something terrifying like that. Anyway, they bring all the old shit (pictures, brochures from their honeymoon, etc) downstairs and plan put an “old record” of “All You Need is Love” on, when Bruce has scheduled his parents to arrive tomorrow.
Bruce has to drive to get a movie projector and 1bruce1 gets a flat. He wonders how “his baby” could fail him at such an important time.
So when the Marie Patman arrives at the mansion, Bruce and the twins are not there. Henry is though. She finds “his” coat slung carelessly over a chair and she goes to put it in the closet. Only to find a keyring that says “Jessica” in the pocket along with the scarf that says “Alice.” When she inspects it closer, she realizes that it is Bruce's coat, not Henry's. Why Hank continued wearing the coat that wasn't his and further, even if he thought it was his, why he kept Alice's scarf, I don't know.
Henry is suspicious of all the magical memories (tm) laid out for them to find. He thinks it's best to repress these memories since his marriage is over. Marie wants to talk (now that she realized she was wrong about the affair). But Henry says she doesn't trust him and a marriage without trust is nothing. She says she does (which, um, she kinda didn't for this entire book?) and that she loves him. They kiss and makeup.
Bruce and the twins arrive late. They walk in on Henry and Marie making out. Yay! They are pleased because “their” plan worked. But I think, really, all their plans failed and it was 1bruce1's flat tire that saved them all. Way to go, 1bruce1.
The next day, Bruce sees Pamela and tells her the truth about why he was spending so much time with Liz and Jessica. She thinks it's hysterical how much shit went wrong. He kinda-sorta apologizes, but not really. He is Bruce Patman after all (and thank god, no longer emo!Bruce). They make out. And then, at lunch, he makes fun of Jessica about being stuck in the locker.
Aw. Our Bruce is back, ya'll. Yay?
Lila, Liz and Jessica talk at lunch. Turns out Jessica's date with Michael went really badly. He's a total klutz! Imagine! So Jessica is ditching him. But that's okay, I'm sure she'll find a guy in the next book when she and Liz go to London. Snerk.