Sweet Valley High #104: Love and Death in London
In which Jessica and Elizabeth go to London, meet weird hot British guys, and realise there's a werewolf on the prowl. That's... pretty much it.
I have tried not to nitpick every little wonderful detail of life in London, as I'm not sure how many British people there are on this comm and so it might be that virtually no one but me cares. This is also the first time I've sat down to snark something, so, uh, I hope it's not too lame.
The A and B plots ended up tangled together in my summary, but basically the A plot is OMG WEREWOLVES, and the B plot is actually made up of several smaller plot strands and features a missing princess, a snotty actress, a clumsy policeman and a little dog called Poo-Poo.
We begin with Elizabeth and Jessica touching down in England, "a patchwork quilt of lush green farmland speckled with little villages". In a prime example of "as you know, Bob..." dialogue, the twins explain to each other and us that they have come to the UK because they have managed to get two internships at the London Journal, "the classiest, most intellectual newspaper in the world," according to Liz. Liz fangirls England's ancient literary tradition, while Jessica wants to "shop on Sloane Street, and hit the London music scene, and hobnob with royalty." Why she doesn't want to go to Oxford Street like the rest of us I'm not entirely sure. Elizabeth and Jessica then summarise the plot of the movie An American Werewolf in London to each other in an incredibly unsubtle piece of foreshadowing before touching down at Heathrow Airport.
Once on the ground, Jessica studies the day's newspapers, and the twins learn that the British Queen's youngest daughter, Princess Eliana, is missing. (Words cannot express the glee caused to me by the fact that the Queen's daughter is called Eliana. I mean, not only is it completely not in keeping with royal tradition, it's also the sort of name you'd expect Barbie's best friend to be called.)
Anyway. Liz and Jess get a "big, black taxi" to the youth hostel where they'll be staying. "A safe enough neighbourhood," the cabbie informs them as they arrive. "But mind you don't wander round the city overmuch by yourselves." I don't think I've ever met anyone who's used 'overmuch' in conversation, not even as a joke. Adding to the unsubtle foreshadowing, this cabbie continues, "It's easy for strangers to lose their way, and scenic as it is, London can be a dangerous place." He then warns them to look both ways before crossing the street, but I suppose as Jessica had a fit when she realised people drive on the other side of the road in England, this is understandable.
As the girls reach the front door of their hostel, they are accosted by a bag lady, who hisses at them to beware the full moon. I can't imagine what's going to happen next, can you?
At the youth hostel, the girls meet Emily Cartwright, a redheaded Australian, Lina Smith who's "from a poor family in Liverpool" and is working at a soup kitchen, and Portia Albert, the daughter of Sir Montford Albert, "the most famous Shakespearean actor in the world".
"I've never met a snobbier, ruder, more self-absorbed girl in my life," Emily says of Portia, to which Jess responds, "then you've never met Lila Fowler." Okay, she has a point, but that's kind of randomly catty. (On the other hand, Lila would so respond the same way about Jess.) Portia is in a play in the West End, but only because of her dad. Of course. Emily also warns Jess and Liz about the housekeeper, Mrs Bates and her son Norman - okay, I made that up, who likes Portia because of her "bloodlines" and apparently looks down on Australians because the whole country was settled by convicts. Because it's not England without the RIGID IRON-CLAD CLASS SYSTEM OF DOOM.
Then there's David Bartholomew, "a very nice fellow," according to Emily, who's also poor and from Liverpool, Gabriello Moretti, a forgettable Italian (he has a girlfriend, so twin!love will be a no-no) and sexy Rene Glize from France who turns out to be the same Rene Liz and Jess met when they went to the south of France! Where Liz kissed him after he overcame his fear of water to save Jess from a sailing accident! Liz reminds herself that she still has a boyfriend, but "the sparks were still there between her and Rene." Ooh la la.
Lina Smith then shows up, wearing grey knee socks and speaking "in a cheery Liverpudlian accent reminiscent of the Beatles" (although if I attempt to read out any of her lines in such an accent, it sounds... slightly insane. But then, I'm not Liverpudlian.) Lina is all worthy and idealistic and she and Liz immediately start talking about whose government is worse at attempting to eliminate homelessness. Portia appears soon afterwards, and when Liz attempts to be friendly and says how much she likes Shakespeare, responds, "a cultural discussion with Americans, whose idea of theater is the thirty-minute situation comedy, promises to be immensely... refreshing." Burn.
The next morning, Jessica nearly gets run over by a double-decker bus as they set off to the newspaper offices, where all hell is breaking loose: "a prominent London doctor", Cameron Neville, has just been found murdered. While searching for their boss, Henry Reeves, Liz runs into a boy who apparently looks like Lord Byron, who stares at her in horror before hurrying away. Henry Reeves then tells the twins to keep out of the way and pisses them both off immensely before sending them over to Tony Frank, the society editor. He feels sorry for them being sidelined and manages to get the crime editor, Lucy Friday, to agree to look after them instead. Lucy is, of course, far more concerned with the murder, and sends the twins to "cover Bumpo's beat. He's a Scotland Yard detective, and this morning he's looking into the case of Lady Wimpole's missing Yorkie." Liz and Jess have evidently gone not only to England, but to Victorian England.
Anyway, Jess noticed that Lucy had scribbled down in her notebook where the scene of the Neville murder was, so the girls decide to go there after they've reported to Lady Wimpole, who is distraught over the loss of her Yorkie dog, Poo-Poo. Jessica "adopts a serious and professional air" and asks Bumpo if Cruella De Ville has been rounded up for questioning. Bumpo evidently lives in a cave when he's not out investigating society crimes, because he takes her seriously. Feeding false information to cops is a crime, isn't it? And the book of 101 Dalmatians was written by an English author, I'd just like to add.
Liz and Jess skedaddle off to the Neville murder scene, sneak in past the crime scene tape (um... that's a bad thing, right?) and catch sight of the body. Jess is all 'squeee, a corpse' and snaps a picture, but her excitement turns to fear when she hears Lucy saying "the victim's throat has been ripped open... as if by a wild beast..." Lila's choice of movie is looking more and more apt. Funny, that.
Back at the Journal offices, Liz is approached by Byron-boy from earlier, who introduces himself as Luke Shepherd. " 'This morning, I was just so absorbed in my writing that you took me by surprise...' His smile deepened... 'I felt guilty, you see. Caught in the act.' Leaning closer, he confided, 'I was writing poems instead of working on my newspaper story.'" Is it just me, or does it sound like he's about to confess something kinky there? (No? Just me? Okay then.) Anyway, Liz evidently feels Luke's poetry is kinky enough for her, because she accepts his offer to come to tea. He takes her to a pub called The Slaughtered Lamb, which is also the name of the pub in the werewolf movie Liz saw at Lila's. Liz and Luke chat. Luke tells her he's going to university in the fall, and the ghostwriter loses one hundred cool points from me for forgetting that in England we have autumn. Luke also tells Liz that his mother died of pneumonia when he was a boy, and his jaw clenches, so we know he is Hiding Deep Inner Pain. He also has father issues up the wazoo. However, Liz doesn't pick up on this, and goes happily off with Luke for a tour of literary London.
Meanwhile, Jess has been sent off to cover another trivial crime at Pembroke Green, a stately home belonging (unsurprisingly) to the Pembroke family. Lady Pembroke has lost her mink. Bumpo trips over a rug. I try not to slit my wrists at the hilarity of it all. However, Jess catches a glimpse of Lord Pembroke and his son; she recognises the former as a guy she saw at the Neville murder scene earlier, and categorises the latter as hot. As she's leaving, she manages to speak to the son, who is called Robert. She hedges about her age (she seems to do this a lot) and he invites her out to tea. I wish I could find an English boy who'd invite me out to tea; it's evidently quite the done thing in Sweet Valley!England. Robert tells Jess he was kicked out of "Eaton" (it's spelt 'Eton', dear ghostwriter) and reveals that he is cousin to Prince Malcolm, and the Queen is his aunt. "Malcolm" is almost as good as "Eliana" in the glee stakes. Robert's family also own the Journal. Jessica is starstruck to the max as Robert asks her out.
That evening, Rene leaves a rose and a note for Liz asking her out to dinner. Liz claims that she and Rene obviously both want the same thing: "to be very good friends." Jessica responds, "Poor, poor Todd," and I can only agree. The twins then peruse a copy of the evening edition of the Journal and find that Dr Neville's murder has been relegated to a tiny box on the second-to-last page. Jessica recognises Andrew Thatcher, Chief of Police, as another man she saw studying Neville's body, and is baffled as to why the case has been dismissed if it's high-profile enough for the chief of police to be interested.
At dinner, Liz notices that David has a massive crush on Lina (well, he would, them both being poor Liverpudlians and all) and the group bitch about the eleven o'clock curfew Mrs Bates imposed on them. It's proposed that everyone sneak out to go to Mondo, the hippest club in London. I... don't think there's much I can add to that. Lina comments that she hasn't been to Mondo in the longest time, and Liz is suspicious, but before she can follow that thought, the group's conversation turns to Portia, and Liz decides to invite her along. Portia tells them that she doesn't "rub shoulders with the hoi polloi." Burn again.
At the club, Lina doesn't seem to know much about Liverpool and then flees the club when she spots Princess Gloria, the Queen's older daughter ("Gloria" is not as good as "Eliana", I'm afraid. Guessed the plot twist yet?) Anyway, Liz runs after her, and they get "lost... lost in the English fog... just like the boys in the werewolf movie." I'm not totally surprised when they discover a body... well, the body of Poo-Poo, Lady Wimpole's dog, whose throat has been ripped out. Then Liz notices IT'S FULL MOON.
Liz and Lina make it back to the hostel, where Liz talks to Jess, and utters my favourite line in the entire book: "Lina ran to the nearest telephone booth - thank goodness they're painted red, or she would never have found one in the fog!" Well, it's funny if you've been to London, where both red telephone boxes and dramatic fogs are thin on the ground these days, and all right, I'll stop making fun of the ghostwriter's poor knowledge of England. It's too easy, for one thing.
The next day, Lucy Friday quits her job because of the sidelining of the Neville murder and accuses Reeves of being the one behind it. Luke takes Liz to Madame Tussaud's, where they see a werewolf waxwork and Luke reveals himself to be a lycanthropy geek, claiming he gets this interest from his mother. Liz is convinced by him that werewolves are real, which normally would be mockable but after the aforementioned subtle foreshadowing is fair enough in my opinion. She tells him about Poo-Poo's and Neville's deaths, and Luke is all 'werewolf, totally. Oh, and Pembroke is covering it up.' When Liz gets back to the hostel, she realises she inadvertently stood Rene up. Which is just not cool; Rene is very hurt. Liz also manages to hear Portia on the phone saying how she hasn't yet landed a part. Eavesdropping and standing people up in the space of two paragraphs; you go, Liz! Erm... fight to be like Jessica! A little later on, Todd calls, and Liz somehow forgets to mention Luke and Rene to him. Yup - poor, poor Todd.
Jess tells Emily that Robert must think she's at least eighteen and they snoop in Portia's wardrobe, discovering a green taffeta ballgown that apparently belongs to Lina. Jess wonders if Lina pinched the gown: "Oh, the poor, poor deprived thing, to do something so desperate!" she thinks. Nice patronising there, Jess. Robert takes her out to a club where Jessica is "dazzled by the designer-original dresses, the jewels, the general air of sophistication and gentility". I wish I knew where these sort of clubs were. Anyway, Robert emos about being a lord, but just a little, before inviting Jessica for a weekend break in his country house.
The twins, Luke and Tony Frank go to talk to Lucy about any other cover-ups that may have occurred; Lucy tells them there was another murder, with the same throat-ripping style, but that it's all being covered up and the police are dragging their feet. She also tells them a cigarette case with the initials RHP was found by Dr Neville's body, and then she and Tony have a random UST-generated fight. Luke and the twins head back to the office. Jess is all 'aristocrats don't commit crimes, duh' but she and Liz vow to crack the case together. Jess begs Liz to accompany her to Pembroke Manor, as Ned and Alice will only let her go if Liz comes too. (Is this another odd parenting choice?) Liz agrees, because she'll be able to sleuth, and seeing as Robert said she could bring a plus one, asks Luke, reflecting how she and Jessica don't actually know these guys at all well and yet are hurrying off to spend the weekend with them. (Yes, it is rather odd.)
Jessica is disappointed to find that Piccadilly Circus isn't actually a circus. Luke informs her that us Brits use the word 'circus' differently - it means 'a big, open place where a bunch of streets intersect.' I inform Luke that us Brits do also use 'circus' to mean that thing with clowns and jugglers and stuff, and then stop going off on unnecessary tangents. Jess gets her palm read by a gyspy fortune teller who informs her to (guess what?) "Beware the full moon." Subtle. Jess laughs this off, which is understandable, but you'd think after all the supernatural experiences the twins have had over the course of their lives she'd be a bit more paranoid.
Portia has left tickets for everyone at the hostel to come to the opening night of her play, but Lina refuses to go. When Liz confronts her about it, Lina takes off her spectacles, and Liz realises that she is... (gasp) the missing Princess Eliana! Lina informs Liz that "I was tired of living behind a fence, like a rare bird in a gilded cage, sheltered and pampered" and that she can't go to the play in case she sees someone she knows. Liz points out that everyone is terrified the princess has been kidnapped/killed/sold into prostitution, and that just maybe it's time to go back, but Lina is all 'noooo, I have so much more self-actualisation to achieve.' She then hastily covers her moral tracks by saying that she's been in touch with her family and they know she's okay, so Elizabeth tells her she'll keep her mouth shut.
At the play, Portia turns out to be (a) acting under a different name (b) playing a snobby, self-obsessed girl who says things like 'hoi-polloi'. Afterwards, she explains that her father never wanted her to be an actress, so she did it without him; and she was only such a bitch because her role had to be perfect. I personally think she just wanted to act like a bitch, but the hostel group buy it, and all end up friends.
The twins and Luke head off to Pembroke Manor. Liz thinks Robert is arrogant, insincere and condescending and that Jess must only be interested in him because of his title and money. Well, that part might be true... Robert reveals that the patron saint of the Pembrokes is a wolf (more subtle foreshadowing. And since when were wolves saints? Am I missing something here?) When Robert introduces the trio to his parents, Lord Pembroke seems to recognise Luke's name... because he works at the Journal, or some other reason? Gee, I'm not sure. Also present are Andrew Thatcher and his pretty, blonde fiancee, Joy Singleton.
Luke and Liz go off for a walk in the forest. They find some wolfsbane. Luke then presents Liz with a silver pentagram pendant to protect her against werewolves, and they kiss. Hmm... whatever gets you going, Liz.
That evening, Liz and Jess dress for dinner. Jess is sad because Joy Singleton will have far better clothes than her. Liz comments that Joy is "the type who has a closet full of designer originals and spends all her time thinking about what outfit to put on next". Jess calls Liz a reverse snob, and I personally think she has a point. (Jessica has actually been surprisingly nice in this book. Pretty much no underhanded backstabbing at all. Maybe Liz is sucking out her Jessicatude, what with the three-timing and the eavesdropping and the invading crime scenes and all.)
Dinner is served at a table that Jessica claims is fifty foot long. As Robert walks Jessica to her place she fantasises about him walking her down the aisle on their wedding day. Jess can be quite cute sometimes. However, the romantic atmosphere is spoilt by the local constable's arrival; he informs Lord Pembroke that four sheep have been found with their throats torn out. "All present... turned pale with shock and revulsion." Oh, snap. No one seems to think it could just be the work of a dog.
Robert and Jessica go and make out in the garden. Robert reassures Jessica that the dead sheep must have just been the work of local youths looking for trouble (English delinquent youth are too highbrow for breaking windows and spraying graffiti, doncha know. They rip out the throats of sheep instead. No, really). Meanwhile, Luke and Elizabeth snuggle inside, and, for contrast, Luke tells Liz that this is the werewolf's night, and to keep her windows closed as the wolf is strong and hungry. Seriously, Liz, this guy is weird, and I'm not sure what it says about you that you're so into all of this. After Luke leaves Liz, she goes to check Jessica got back safely, and then settles down to write a letter to Todd. Because... that will make the snogging-another-guy-in-the-forest-while-you-bond-over-werewolves-thing all better. However, she gives up after writing "Dear Luke" instead, and goes to bed. She dreams that a werewolf is chasing Jessica, and when she wakes up, she immediately runs to her twin's bedroom. Dashing in, she finds a blonde figure lying dead in the four-poster, its throat savagely torn out.
As the last line in the book has it: "Her beloved twin sister was dead - murdered!"
Only not, because there's, what, fifty more Sweet Valley High books and an entire Sweet Valley University series to get through.
Aww... I'd forgotten how completely on crack this book was. And I don't think I considered at the time how odd Liz suddenly being all 'yay werewolves' was, either...
I have tried not to nitpick every little wonderful detail of life in London, as I'm not sure how many British people there are on this comm and so it might be that virtually no one but me cares. This is also the first time I've sat down to snark something, so, uh, I hope it's not too lame.
The A and B plots ended up tangled together in my summary, but basically the A plot is OMG WEREWOLVES, and the B plot is actually made up of several smaller plot strands and features a missing princess, a snotty actress, a clumsy policeman and a little dog called Poo-Poo.
We begin with Elizabeth and Jessica touching down in England, "a patchwork quilt of lush green farmland speckled with little villages". In a prime example of "as you know, Bob..." dialogue, the twins explain to each other and us that they have come to the UK because they have managed to get two internships at the London Journal, "the classiest, most intellectual newspaper in the world," according to Liz. Liz fangirls England's ancient literary tradition, while Jessica wants to "shop on Sloane Street, and hit the London music scene, and hobnob with royalty." Why she doesn't want to go to Oxford Street like the rest of us I'm not entirely sure. Elizabeth and Jessica then summarise the plot of the movie An American Werewolf in London to each other in an incredibly unsubtle piece of foreshadowing before touching down at Heathrow Airport.
Once on the ground, Jessica studies the day's newspapers, and the twins learn that the British Queen's youngest daughter, Princess Eliana, is missing. (Words cannot express the glee caused to me by the fact that the Queen's daughter is called Eliana. I mean, not only is it completely not in keeping with royal tradition, it's also the sort of name you'd expect Barbie's best friend to be called.)
Anyway. Liz and Jess get a "big, black taxi" to the youth hostel where they'll be staying. "A safe enough neighbourhood," the cabbie informs them as they arrive. "But mind you don't wander round the city overmuch by yourselves." I don't think I've ever met anyone who's used 'overmuch' in conversation, not even as a joke. Adding to the unsubtle foreshadowing, this cabbie continues, "It's easy for strangers to lose their way, and scenic as it is, London can be a dangerous place." He then warns them to look both ways before crossing the street, but I suppose as Jessica had a fit when she realised people drive on the other side of the road in England, this is understandable.
As the girls reach the front door of their hostel, they are accosted by a bag lady, who hisses at them to beware the full moon. I can't imagine what's going to happen next, can you?
At the youth hostel, the girls meet Emily Cartwright, a redheaded Australian, Lina Smith who's "from a poor family in Liverpool" and is working at a soup kitchen, and Portia Albert, the daughter of Sir Montford Albert, "the most famous Shakespearean actor in the world".
"I've never met a snobbier, ruder, more self-absorbed girl in my life," Emily says of Portia, to which Jess responds, "then you've never met Lila Fowler." Okay, she has a point, but that's kind of randomly catty. (On the other hand, Lila would so respond the same way about Jess.) Portia is in a play in the West End, but only because of her dad. Of course. Emily also warns Jess and Liz about the housekeeper, Mrs Bates and her son Norman - okay, I made that up, who likes Portia because of her "bloodlines" and apparently looks down on Australians because the whole country was settled by convicts. Because it's not England without the RIGID IRON-CLAD CLASS SYSTEM OF DOOM.
Then there's David Bartholomew, "a very nice fellow," according to Emily, who's also poor and from Liverpool, Gabriello Moretti, a forgettable Italian (he has a girlfriend, so twin!love will be a no-no) and sexy Rene Glize from France who turns out to be the same Rene Liz and Jess met when they went to the south of France! Where Liz kissed him after he overcame his fear of water to save Jess from a sailing accident! Liz reminds herself that she still has a boyfriend, but "the sparks were still there between her and Rene." Ooh la la.
Lina Smith then shows up, wearing grey knee socks and speaking "in a cheery Liverpudlian accent reminiscent of the Beatles" (although if I attempt to read out any of her lines in such an accent, it sounds... slightly insane. But then, I'm not Liverpudlian.) Lina is all worthy and idealistic and she and Liz immediately start talking about whose government is worse at attempting to eliminate homelessness. Portia appears soon afterwards, and when Liz attempts to be friendly and says how much she likes Shakespeare, responds, "a cultural discussion with Americans, whose idea of theater is the thirty-minute situation comedy, promises to be immensely... refreshing." Burn.
The next morning, Jessica nearly gets run over by a double-decker bus as they set off to the newspaper offices, where all hell is breaking loose: "a prominent London doctor", Cameron Neville, has just been found murdered. While searching for their boss, Henry Reeves, Liz runs into a boy who apparently looks like Lord Byron, who stares at her in horror before hurrying away. Henry Reeves then tells the twins to keep out of the way and pisses them both off immensely before sending them over to Tony Frank, the society editor. He feels sorry for them being sidelined and manages to get the crime editor, Lucy Friday, to agree to look after them instead. Lucy is, of course, far more concerned with the murder, and sends the twins to "cover Bumpo's beat. He's a Scotland Yard detective, and this morning he's looking into the case of Lady Wimpole's missing Yorkie." Liz and Jess have evidently gone not only to England, but to Victorian England.
Anyway, Jess noticed that Lucy had scribbled down in her notebook where the scene of the Neville murder was, so the girls decide to go there after they've reported to Lady Wimpole, who is distraught over the loss of her Yorkie dog, Poo-Poo. Jessica "adopts a serious and professional air" and asks Bumpo if Cruella De Ville has been rounded up for questioning. Bumpo evidently lives in a cave when he's not out investigating society crimes, because he takes her seriously. Feeding false information to cops is a crime, isn't it? And the book of 101 Dalmatians was written by an English author, I'd just like to add.
Liz and Jess skedaddle off to the Neville murder scene, sneak in past the crime scene tape (um... that's a bad thing, right?) and catch sight of the body. Jess is all 'squeee, a corpse' and snaps a picture, but her excitement turns to fear when she hears Lucy saying "the victim's throat has been ripped open... as if by a wild beast..." Lila's choice of movie is looking more and more apt. Funny, that.
Back at the Journal offices, Liz is approached by Byron-boy from earlier, who introduces himself as Luke Shepherd. " 'This morning, I was just so absorbed in my writing that you took me by surprise...' His smile deepened... 'I felt guilty, you see. Caught in the act.' Leaning closer, he confided, 'I was writing poems instead of working on my newspaper story.'" Is it just me, or does it sound like he's about to confess something kinky there? (No? Just me? Okay then.) Anyway, Liz evidently feels Luke's poetry is kinky enough for her, because she accepts his offer to come to tea. He takes her to a pub called The Slaughtered Lamb, which is also the name of the pub in the werewolf movie Liz saw at Lila's. Liz and Luke chat. Luke tells her he's going to university in the fall, and the ghostwriter loses one hundred cool points from me for forgetting that in England we have autumn. Luke also tells Liz that his mother died of pneumonia when he was a boy, and his jaw clenches, so we know he is Hiding Deep Inner Pain. He also has father issues up the wazoo. However, Liz doesn't pick up on this, and goes happily off with Luke for a tour of literary London.
Meanwhile, Jess has been sent off to cover another trivial crime at Pembroke Green, a stately home belonging (unsurprisingly) to the Pembroke family. Lady Pembroke has lost her mink. Bumpo trips over a rug. I try not to slit my wrists at the hilarity of it all. However, Jess catches a glimpse of Lord Pembroke and his son; she recognises the former as a guy she saw at the Neville murder scene earlier, and categorises the latter as hot. As she's leaving, she manages to speak to the son, who is called Robert. She hedges about her age (she seems to do this a lot) and he invites her out to tea. I wish I could find an English boy who'd invite me out to tea; it's evidently quite the done thing in Sweet Valley!England. Robert tells Jess he was kicked out of "Eaton" (it's spelt 'Eton', dear ghostwriter) and reveals that he is cousin to Prince Malcolm, and the Queen is his aunt. "Malcolm" is almost as good as "Eliana" in the glee stakes. Robert's family also own the Journal. Jessica is starstruck to the max as Robert asks her out.
That evening, Rene leaves a rose and a note for Liz asking her out to dinner. Liz claims that she and Rene obviously both want the same thing: "to be very good friends." Jessica responds, "Poor, poor Todd," and I can only agree. The twins then peruse a copy of the evening edition of the Journal and find that Dr Neville's murder has been relegated to a tiny box on the second-to-last page. Jessica recognises Andrew Thatcher, Chief of Police, as another man she saw studying Neville's body, and is baffled as to why the case has been dismissed if it's high-profile enough for the chief of police to be interested.
At dinner, Liz notices that David has a massive crush on Lina (well, he would, them both being poor Liverpudlians and all) and the group bitch about the eleven o'clock curfew Mrs Bates imposed on them. It's proposed that everyone sneak out to go to Mondo, the hippest club in London. I... don't think there's much I can add to that. Lina comments that she hasn't been to Mondo in the longest time, and Liz is suspicious, but before she can follow that thought, the group's conversation turns to Portia, and Liz decides to invite her along. Portia tells them that she doesn't "rub shoulders with the hoi polloi." Burn again.
At the club, Lina doesn't seem to know much about Liverpool and then flees the club when she spots Princess Gloria, the Queen's older daughter ("Gloria" is not as good as "Eliana", I'm afraid. Guessed the plot twist yet?) Anyway, Liz runs after her, and they get "lost... lost in the English fog... just like the boys in the werewolf movie." I'm not totally surprised when they discover a body... well, the body of Poo-Poo, Lady Wimpole's dog, whose throat has been ripped out. Then Liz notices IT'S FULL MOON.
Liz and Lina make it back to the hostel, where Liz talks to Jess, and utters my favourite line in the entire book: "Lina ran to the nearest telephone booth - thank goodness they're painted red, or she would never have found one in the fog!" Well, it's funny if you've been to London, where both red telephone boxes and dramatic fogs are thin on the ground these days, and all right, I'll stop making fun of the ghostwriter's poor knowledge of England. It's too easy, for one thing.
The next day, Lucy Friday quits her job because of the sidelining of the Neville murder and accuses Reeves of being the one behind it. Luke takes Liz to Madame Tussaud's, where they see a werewolf waxwork and Luke reveals himself to be a lycanthropy geek, claiming he gets this interest from his mother. Liz is convinced by him that werewolves are real, which normally would be mockable but after the aforementioned subtle foreshadowing is fair enough in my opinion. She tells him about Poo-Poo's and Neville's deaths, and Luke is all 'werewolf, totally. Oh, and Pembroke is covering it up.' When Liz gets back to the hostel, she realises she inadvertently stood Rene up. Which is just not cool; Rene is very hurt. Liz also manages to hear Portia on the phone saying how she hasn't yet landed a part. Eavesdropping and standing people up in the space of two paragraphs; you go, Liz! Erm... fight to be like Jessica! A little later on, Todd calls, and Liz somehow forgets to mention Luke and Rene to him. Yup - poor, poor Todd.
Jess tells Emily that Robert must think she's at least eighteen and they snoop in Portia's wardrobe, discovering a green taffeta ballgown that apparently belongs to Lina. Jess wonders if Lina pinched the gown: "Oh, the poor, poor deprived thing, to do something so desperate!" she thinks. Nice patronising there, Jess. Robert takes her out to a club where Jessica is "dazzled by the designer-original dresses, the jewels, the general air of sophistication and gentility". I wish I knew where these sort of clubs were. Anyway, Robert emos about being a lord, but just a little, before inviting Jessica for a weekend break in his country house.
The twins, Luke and Tony Frank go to talk to Lucy about any other cover-ups that may have occurred; Lucy tells them there was another murder, with the same throat-ripping style, but that it's all being covered up and the police are dragging their feet. She also tells them a cigarette case with the initials RHP was found by Dr Neville's body, and then she and Tony have a random UST-generated fight. Luke and the twins head back to the office. Jess is all 'aristocrats don't commit crimes, duh' but she and Liz vow to crack the case together. Jess begs Liz to accompany her to Pembroke Manor, as Ned and Alice will only let her go if Liz comes too. (Is this another odd parenting choice?) Liz agrees, because she'll be able to sleuth, and seeing as Robert said she could bring a plus one, asks Luke, reflecting how she and Jessica don't actually know these guys at all well and yet are hurrying off to spend the weekend with them. (Yes, it is rather odd.)
Jessica is disappointed to find that Piccadilly Circus isn't actually a circus. Luke informs her that us Brits use the word 'circus' differently - it means 'a big, open place where a bunch of streets intersect.' I inform Luke that us Brits do also use 'circus' to mean that thing with clowns and jugglers and stuff, and then stop going off on unnecessary tangents. Jess gets her palm read by a gyspy fortune teller who informs her to (guess what?) "Beware the full moon." Subtle. Jess laughs this off, which is understandable, but you'd think after all the supernatural experiences the twins have had over the course of their lives she'd be a bit more paranoid.
Portia has left tickets for everyone at the hostel to come to the opening night of her play, but Lina refuses to go. When Liz confronts her about it, Lina takes off her spectacles, and Liz realises that she is... (gasp) the missing Princess Eliana! Lina informs Liz that "I was tired of living behind a fence, like a rare bird in a gilded cage, sheltered and pampered" and that she can't go to the play in case she sees someone she knows. Liz points out that everyone is terrified the princess has been kidnapped/killed/sold into prostitution, and that just maybe it's time to go back, but Lina is all 'noooo, I have so much more self-actualisation to achieve.' She then hastily covers her moral tracks by saying that she's been in touch with her family and they know she's okay, so Elizabeth tells her she'll keep her mouth shut.
At the play, Portia turns out to be (a) acting under a different name (b) playing a snobby, self-obsessed girl who says things like 'hoi-polloi'. Afterwards, she explains that her father never wanted her to be an actress, so she did it without him; and she was only such a bitch because her role had to be perfect. I personally think she just wanted to act like a bitch, but the hostel group buy it, and all end up friends.
The twins and Luke head off to Pembroke Manor. Liz thinks Robert is arrogant, insincere and condescending and that Jess must only be interested in him because of his title and money. Well, that part might be true... Robert reveals that the patron saint of the Pembrokes is a wolf (more subtle foreshadowing. And since when were wolves saints? Am I missing something here?) When Robert introduces the trio to his parents, Lord Pembroke seems to recognise Luke's name... because he works at the Journal, or some other reason? Gee, I'm not sure. Also present are Andrew Thatcher and his pretty, blonde fiancee, Joy Singleton.
Luke and Liz go off for a walk in the forest. They find some wolfsbane. Luke then presents Liz with a silver pentagram pendant to protect her against werewolves, and they kiss. Hmm... whatever gets you going, Liz.
That evening, Liz and Jess dress for dinner. Jess is sad because Joy Singleton will have far better clothes than her. Liz comments that Joy is "the type who has a closet full of designer originals and spends all her time thinking about what outfit to put on next". Jess calls Liz a reverse snob, and I personally think she has a point. (Jessica has actually been surprisingly nice in this book. Pretty much no underhanded backstabbing at all. Maybe Liz is sucking out her Jessicatude, what with the three-timing and the eavesdropping and the invading crime scenes and all.)
Dinner is served at a table that Jessica claims is fifty foot long. As Robert walks Jessica to her place she fantasises about him walking her down the aisle on their wedding day. Jess can be quite cute sometimes. However, the romantic atmosphere is spoilt by the local constable's arrival; he informs Lord Pembroke that four sheep have been found with their throats torn out. "All present... turned pale with shock and revulsion." Oh, snap. No one seems to think it could just be the work of a dog.
Robert and Jessica go and make out in the garden. Robert reassures Jessica that the dead sheep must have just been the work of local youths looking for trouble (English delinquent youth are too highbrow for breaking windows and spraying graffiti, doncha know. They rip out the throats of sheep instead. No, really). Meanwhile, Luke and Elizabeth snuggle inside, and, for contrast, Luke tells Liz that this is the werewolf's night, and to keep her windows closed as the wolf is strong and hungry. Seriously, Liz, this guy is weird, and I'm not sure what it says about you that you're so into all of this. After Luke leaves Liz, she goes to check Jessica got back safely, and then settles down to write a letter to Todd. Because... that will make the snogging-another-guy-in-the-forest-while-you-bond-over-werewolves-thing all better. However, she gives up after writing "Dear Luke" instead, and goes to bed. She dreams that a werewolf is chasing Jessica, and when she wakes up, she immediately runs to her twin's bedroom. Dashing in, she finds a blonde figure lying dead in the four-poster, its throat savagely torn out.
As the last line in the book has it: "Her beloved twin sister was dead - murdered!"
Only not, because there's, what, fifty more Sweet Valley High books and an entire Sweet Valley University series to get through.
Aww... I'd forgotten how completely on crack this book was. And I don't think I considered at the time how odd Liz suddenly being all 'yay werewolves' was, either...