SVJH #26 - No More Mr. Nice Guy

[nen_yim]

We return to Sweet Valley Jr. High with a thrilling tale about Brian and Kristin's relationship problems! I'm sure you care so much. For those of you who don't remember (and I totally do not blame you), Brian and Kristin were BFF before hooking up. Brian is the skinny buttmonkey of his family. Kristin is not skinny and the books will never fail to remind us of that. (But she's not fat, so no worries! They wouldn't let her be a main character otherwise.)

However, it would appear that Brian's buttmonkey days are over, as this book is titled No More Mr. Nice Guy. And in Sweet Valley, you know what that means: it's makeover time!

We open on a Sunday afternoon, and Brian is on the phone with Kristin for the second time that day. He tells us that they don't really even talk, they just stay on the line while doing homework or watching TV. I bet their parents are furious every time they get the phone bill. Kristin tells Brian that her mom brought her cheese crackers and calls herself a pig. Brian helpfully informs us that Kristin isn't fat, she's healthy. And we're only on page 2! Brian's brother (Billy, for added alliterative appeal) bursts in to tell him that they're watching the Lakers-Pacers game (on tape! 2000 was a good year) downstairs, but Kristin pouts so Brian stays on the line so she can play him her new "CatAttack" CD. Brian's not into it but agrees to listen since "[he'd] just started playing in a band [himself], so [he'd] been keeping an ear out for new sounds." I love the way they talk about Big Noise as if they were an actual band, and not a bunch of 13-year-olds getting high in Blue Spiccoli's garage. Kristin asks him if he'll go with her to see CatAttack live and Brian half-heartedly agrees because "[he's] a nice guy." I see you, title! Then he asks her what she's doing after school and she mumbles something about getting pizza with him before hanging up. Aw, that ain't cool, Kristin. Brian is sad and rejected. And so the transformation begins!

Kristin. She's hung up on Brian to talk about clothes with Lacy Frills Lacey Frells. Lacey tells her that she should dress for herself and not for Brian, which I agree with, but I also feel totally gross for agreeing with Bitchy Lacey. Kristin remembers that she hung up on him and feels bad for about a millisecond, but then brushes it off by saying that Brian never gets mad. "He's too nice." Wow, I wonder if, perhaps, Brian will become tired of being referred to as 'nice' during the course of this book? Oh, and Richard Griggs and Lacey are a supercouple of douchey hilarity at this point, if you were wondering. Lacey tells Kristin she should try wearing black to look "professional," which is definitely a concern of 13-year-olds. They agree to go to the mall after school to buy clothes and watch "the new Keanu Reeves movie." I feel like one day, in the far-off future, this series will be adapted as an early-2000s period piece. Like Downton Abbey, but with less world war and more shopping. Also, I'm sure Brian won't have a problem with Kristin forgetting about their plans or anything like that.

The next page details a sign on the door of the "Manchester Club." I wish I could tell you that it's a hilariously stereotypical English-themed club or something (where Larissa Harris does stand-up every night), but apparently it's the ~hip~ club of Sweet Valley where all the 13-year-olds hang out. I don't know. The sign is as follows:

We like to hear our music live!
So if you've got a band
And you're any good,
Come play at our open mike.
It could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship
Who needs MTV
when they could have...
you?!

It's like poetry. I do wish they had gone that extra mile and used a handwriting font, though.

Brian. He gets to class early on Monday because he's such a nice, responsible nerd, only to find Blue Spiccoli already there. "Which was a surprise since Blue is usually late for everything." Blue is apparently early because he's making a poster for Big Noise, although that's something he could've done perfectly well at home, so whatever. "What, are we touring?" snarks Brian. "Not yet, bro," Blue says, fulfilling his role as a surfer stereotype. (Although weirdly, given that so many people do say "dude" and "bro" now, Blue actually comes off as the most normal-talking of the characters at times.) Blue excitedly fills Brian in about the "gig" at the Manchester Club (I love the assumption that the club managers are going to be like, "Oh, hey, a band made up of 14-year-olds? SURE, WHY NOT"). "They're going to LOVE US!" he shouts, and all the kids turn around to stare at them. Hee. Brian exposits that the Manchester Club is "the coolest youth club in town." I enjoy the implication that there's more than one. I guess all the adults have to drive over to Big Mesa to find a club that serves alcohol. Salvador shows up and says that he and Damon agree that it's a worth a shot, plus he's been working on his ~moves~ and moonwalks to his desk. ILU Salvador. (Wait, do I? It's been so long since I've read these books that I can't remember if he annoys me or not. I guess we'll find out!) Brian pouts that nobody asked him about this, and Blue says that his phone was busy all day. Brian's like, "Oop. That was Kristin." Blue and Salvador peer-pressure Brian into agreeing and then tell him that band practice is now mandatory every day after school. Man, it's a good thing these kids never get homework, because otherwise I would be worried. Brian says he has to hang out with Kristin, and Blue and Salvador needle him about being totally boned. "Remember all that tension between the other Beatles and John because of Yoko?" Blue the hippie asks. "Oh, absolutely," Brian lies. Hee! (Although really, who doesn't know about the Beatles? Even I can't give Brian a pass on that one, and I totally let Salvador go for not knowing who Kobe Bryant was.)

Salvador at lunch. Liz has run off to go exchange lunch with Jessica -- apparently their lunches were mixed up, and Jessica had "even" forgone her Sunday-night pedicure to roll sushi. I'm not sure why that amuses me so much, but it does. Also, there really isn't much Jess in this book, so you have to take it where you can find it. Salvador compares the twins to their lunches: "Jessica is a California roll --- she's got attitude, her looks are important to her, and she's difficult." Can I just say, I've eaten a lot of California rolls, and at no point did I ever feel that they were ~sassing~ me. "Elizabeth is a ham sandwich -- she's easy, down-to-earth, and always delicious." Easy and delicious, you say? I don't think that parallel worked out the way you wanted it to, Salvador. Anyway, Liz comes back and Salvador thinks about how beauteous she is or whatever. Because he's totally not over her after like 20 books. (Oh, wait, this is why I don't like Salvador.) Liz asks Salvador about Big Noise playing at the Manchester Club and he nervously confirms. "What songs are you going to play?" asks Liz and Salvador admits that they're going to have to come up with some new ones. Liz suggests calling a song "Nasty." You'd know all about that, Liz. Salvador points out that Janet Jackson took care of that one. As has Mr. Collins! I love this scene. Liz pretends to be a groupie and Salvador's like, "I wish." Except he doesn't! Because he and Liz are just friends! Nothing more! Absolutely! And Salvador is totally fine with this! Totally!

And yet, we're going to have to sit through their pining for each other for another three books. BAH.

Kristin, also at lunch. Brian asks what they're going to do after school -- pizza? Movie? Oops, but Kristin has plans with Lacey. Brian's all, "I thought we made plans," and Kristin's like, "Eh, we can hang out tomorrow." Bad move, Kristin! "You said today. I even told the guys I couldn't practice after school today because you and I had plans." Kristin tells him that she doesn't deserve him. "It's like you're too nice." Oh, man, the word "nice" doesn't bode well for anything in this book. Brian storms out of the cafeteria and Kristin's like, "Dude, what did I say?"

After school, Brian is angry pandas, as expected. He goes home and is promptly steamrolled over by the rest of his family members: Mom and his sister are going to tennis practice, so Brian has to watch his other sister (even though it's Billy's turn, but let's be real, Billy is useless). Brian wants to drink skim milk but realizes that if he does, his other other sister (he's got like five siblings, btw) won't have enough to make a protein shake later. "I guess nice guys drink water." Mmmm, tastes like resentment. Brian's baby sister demands that he make her toast with the crusts cut off and Brian caves. "What is this, prison?" he wonders as he eats the crusts with his water. You know, Brian, I sympathize with you here, but no one's stopping you from grabbing an apple or something.

Then Billy waltzes in and is all, "What up, bro" and Brian's like, "I'm making Addie toast. You know. Our sister who needed to be watched today." And Billy's like, "Oh, cool," and turns around to flounce back out. Ha! Then Brian totally loses his shit all, "THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BILLY? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH ADDIE TODAY. WHAT, DID YOU THINK I HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO? I'M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!!! THE NEW BRIAN DOESN'T DRINK WATER, EITHER." Then he throws his water out, grabs the first thing in the fridge he sees, chugs it, realizes it's lemon juice, spits it out, rinses his mouth with water, spits that out, and storms out of the house.

Dude. Brian. I support your standing up for yourself and all, but you crazy.

Salvador. Big Noise is just finishing up a song about "Granny proves she can cha-cha," which, okay, whatever. Brian storms in and starts playing his sax like a man possessed and the other guys are like, "Brian! Put the sax down before you break something!" Finally, Brian runs out of breath and is like, "What's wrong, guys?" Heh. Salvador points out that Brian said he couldn't make it, and Brian snaps that his plans changed, okay, Salvador? Salvador's like, "What, did Kristin ditch you?" Oops, not the right thing to say. Brian totally flips out and Blue tries to get him to chill by using his "best groovy English accent, like he was the newest member of the Beatles circa 1965." Hey, if he wants accent help, he could always ask Larissa! It's not like she's up to anything in these books. Anyway, Brian tells them his woes: "Kristin said I was too nice." Salvador, who you will recall never had any male friends at all up until book #20 or something like that, relates: "A too nice guy is the kind of guy you can treat like dirt and who will still come back for more…It is very uncool." To be fair, Salvador, that's what you sign up for when you get involved with Elizabeth Wakefield! "That's not right," Damon says. "That is so wrong," Blue concurs. United in their dislike of being called nice, they start improvising a song that magically sounds amazing: "We had a new song, and it seriously rocked. All we'd needed was a little rage!" Ah, 13-year-old angst.

Brian. The other dudes talk about inviting their girlfriends (and in Salvador's case, objects of pining) over to jam to the song, except Brian is tres awkward about it on account of the fact that, you know, it's written about Kristin. He suggests making it less douchey. "All great songs come out of a spontaneous moment. Never mess around with the creative impulse," Damon lectures at him. Hee! Also, no. Also also, again with the acting like they're a real band! God love them. Salvador smugly points out that now they've got ~bad boy appeal~. Like the Backstreet Boys. Brian hilariously thinks, "He looked really pleased with himself for coming up with the bad-boy thing." Oh Brian, you're too aware to live in this town. Anyway, he's hesitant but lets it go. "I'd just have to make sure that Kristin never heard it." Oh, this will end well.

The next page has the lyrics for "Too Nice". They are notable for the line, "You said I was cute, you said I was fly." 2000 was the best year.

Kristin at the mall. Lacey tries to get her to try on a "black, glittery halter top -- it didn't even have a back, just strings." Dude. Eighth graders! Also, this chapter uses the word "sexy," which scandalized me when I was eight. Kristin tries on a sweater and muses about how the sweater is ~totally her~, but something isn't right: her face is all worried. She makes up her mind to talk to Brian.

Liz. Jessica is on the phone with Damon and suggests bringing his sisters to Blue's house so they can all watch the band play. Liz thinks that "having a boyfriend as sweet and generous as Damon really brought out the best in her. Not that she was ever a bad person…" Heh. Anyway, Blue calls and Jessica hangs up with Damon so he can talk to Liz. Blue invites her to hear Big Noise rehearse after school, as they have a new song that's "pretty groovy." Liz agrees and they hang up, and Jessica bounces in to slyly remark how cool it is that their boyfriends are in the same band. Liz is like, "Blue is not my boyfriend!" "What about El Salvador?" "Also not my boyfriend!" Just then, Salvador calls and invites her to come see them rehear -- "Oh, Blue already called me." "BLUE CALLED YOU?" And Liz is like, "…yes?" The best part is that Jessica is wiggling her eyebrows at Liz throughout this entire conversation. Admittedly she's not as hilariously sociopathic, but SVJH!Jessica is cute in her own way. Liz pointedly ignores her while thinking about how nice it is that two boys, who are just friends, have invited her over to hear to their band play. As friends. Of course.

The next day, Brian is having a wardrobe crisis. His clothes are too nice! He looks like a geek! A nice geek! So instead he borrows this get-up from his douchey brother Billy: "[A] cool blank-and-yellow football jersey with the number nine on it and a great pair of black combat pants." Is it sad that I can picture this outfit exactly? I probably have a poster of Nick Carter or someone wearing it in the recesses of my closet. Downstairs, his older sister Ellie sees exactly what Brian's doing and has a hearty chuckle. Brian's like, "What?" and she just smirks and goes, "Oh, nothing." Ellie's barely in this book but I kind of love her anyway.

At school, Kristin asks Brian wtf is up with his outfit. Brian checks her out and thinks about how nice she looks in that sweater she tried on a few chapters ago. (I guess she bought it? Whatever.) But no matter how cute Kristin looks, Brian cannot let her insult to his inner fashionista slide, and snaps at her. (She asks if he ran out of clean clothes and he's all, "No, did YOU?" Which is obviously a brilliant comeback. I can't even.) Then he stomps off, presumably tripping over his too-big pants on the way.

Kristin. She's staring after Brian as he bitchfits offstage and she's like, "What the hell happened to my boyfriend?" And then the Wakefield twins roll up (or, well, Jessica shuffles, since she's wearing a "long, pink tube skirt and ha[s] to take tiny little steps." HEE!) and tell her that they'll see her at band practice! Kristin's like, "Qué?" but they're already gone. So she runs off to the bathroom to cry, as you do when your boyfriend doesn't invite you to his band practice and shows up to school in a terrible early-2000s outfit. It's enough to worry anyone! Anyway, Lacey Frells is in the bathroom, cutting class. She sees Kristin's distress and offers to loan her her "Sticky Toffee Lip Candy." I'm ashamed to say I craved that fictional lip gloss when I was eight. As Kristin is smearing toffee all over her mouth, Lacey muses on Brian's makeover: "He's in a band so now he's, like, a gangsta rapper or something?" I can't even add anything to that. Oh, Lacey. She invites Kristin to go play pool at the "Cue Café" (which I can only assume is an entirely pool-themed restaurant or something) after school with Richard Griggs and Lacey's cousin Trent. Quoth Lacey, Trent is "fifteen and so cute." Kristin agrees to go to passive-aggressively show Brian her disapproval with his life choices.

Kristin and Jessica pass notes about how much they dig Marie Antoinette's sense of style. "Even if she did get beheaded." Well, yes, that's another thing she's known for.

Liz. "I'd never thought I'd say this, but Big Noise was actually really good." Ha! After the song is over, Blue asks Liz what she thinks, because he's totally into her. Liz looks at him and notices that he's stuck a drumstick behind each ear. "They looked like antlers." Sexy. Blue's definitely winning her over. Then they high-five, which turns Liz on for some reason and…that's the whole chapter. Okay, whatever.

Salvador. He thinks Liz and Blue are holding hands! Except not really, Salvador, it was a high-five, which is only a momentary slapping of the palms! Get it straight, dude. Also, he mentions getting in touch with his inner Mick Jagger, which makes me laugh more than it should. Salvador thinks about how Liz never blushes when she talks to him -- unlike how just high-fiving Blue gets her all bothered -- and muses about how he too suffers from Too Nice disease. But will he start dressing like Nick Carter? That's what I'm worried about. Blue and Liz flirt and Salvador pouts that they didn't even consult him about their relationship. Dude, Salvador, please find a hobby. (Hilariously, Jess sees the Blue/Liz flirtage and winks at Salvador. She's so onto him.) Liz invites Salvador to stay and play video games with her and Blue, but Salvador "chirps" that tonight is the Doña's mushroom-washing night -- "there are bound to be barrels full of them, and they all need washing!" As he leaves, he thinks that he might be losing his mind. I won't argue with you there, Salvador.

Kristin. As it turns out, she thinks Trent is way hot. Apparently he has "golden-brown" eyes, which always made me think he looks like a cat or something. Lacey and Richard snark at each other and it's kind of genuinely funny? These two are such assholes, I kind of can't help but love them. Kristin asks Trent how he got so tan, and he tells her that he plays drums outdoors in a reggae band* in Berkeley, and he takes his shirt off when it gets too hot. Kristin blushes at the idea of a ~boy~ without his shirt on, but I call shenanigans: there is no such thing as warm weather in the Bay Area! You can't fool me, ghostwriter. I've worn peacoats in July! Anyway, Kristin tells him that her boyfriend is a musician too: "Actually, he's not really my boyfriend anymore." DAMN. Trent's like, "Okay…it's nice to meet you, too." Heh. Then he shows her how to play pool and there's ~tension. And Kristin totally isn't wondering what Brian is doing right now. Totally.

* Between the playing in a reggae band, Kristin -- who lives in Southern California -- marveling at his tan, and the fact that his dad's name is Tomás, I'm suspecting that Trent may actually not be white. Craziness!

Brian. He's at a place called "Great Waves" getting his hair cut. He thinks about why he decided to go there instead of whatever other salon is in Sweet Valley: "It was supposed to be cutting edge. Ha! Get it? Cutting edge?" Oh, Brian, this is why you'll never be a badass. Only nice guys dig puns like that! Brian hopes that Kristin isn't too mad at him for being grouchy before. Ah, if only he knew that she's moving on with a shirtless drummer from Berkeley. Anyway, he gets a crew cut and Brian marvels at his new, ~intense~ look. I imagine anything is an improvement on the haircut he had when he last had a cover to himself.

(You know what's weird? I do think that the SVJH books legitimately use the same cover models for all of them. Maybe this book was written in response to the Brian model chopping off his hair.)

"Timeline of Salvador's Activities After Band Practice." I'll spare you the details and say that it's essentially him stalking Liz for fifteen minutes. (Highlights include him calling Damon's house, asking for Jessica, and upon finding out that Jessica is there, asks if Liz is there too. Mrs. Ross is like, "No, do you want me to get Jessica?" and Salvador's like, "No, why would I want you to do that?" Oh, Salvador.)

Kristin. Brian hasn't called her! It's not like it's a school night or anything, Kristin. She runs into Jessica at school and Jess tells her about how ~amazing~ the band practice that Kristin wasn't invited to was. (She also says, "They have a new song that's actually kind of good. I was surprised." I love how even the band's friends are like, "Yeah, they totally suck.") Kristin asks about Brian and Jessica harps on his outfit. I guess Nick wasn't her favorite Backstreet Boy. AND THEN. Jessica says how exciting it is that their boyfriends are playing at the Manchester Club (presumably the opening music for the annual fox hunt or something) and Kristin has a BSOD in the middle of the hall. Everyone knew except her! Brian's still wearing his stupid giant pants! How had this happened? She doesn't even know who he IS! She doesn't run to the bathroom to cry and put on Sticky Toffee Lip Candy, though, so I guess she's getting tougher.

Brian passes a note to Kristin apologizing and asking her to come watch the band practice. Only it falls under the teacher's desk and Kristin never sees it. Mmmm, contrivance.

At lunch, Salvador is interrogating Liz on her evening with Blue. "What'd you do at Blue's house after we all left?" "Played a few games. We ate marshmallows." "Sounds nice. WAS IT NICE?" "…uh, it was fun." Salvador just sort of stares and Liz is getting kind of freaked out, but she brushes it off. "I mean, I would be worried if he suddenly started acting normal." Hee! No love for Salvador. The interrogation continues: "What games did you play?" "I don't know, I can't really remember." "You don't remember?" "Uh, well, one had something to do with bugs." "Okay, so you played the bug game. Then what?" "Dude, I DON'T KNOW." Then she points out that Salvador, in his dedication to stalking Liz, has squeezed the life out of his nectarine slices. Hey, remember that time Todd crushed a carton of milk with his bare hands? Liz has a type.

Brian tries to talk to Kristin at lunch. It is super stilted and awkward and Kristin has put Operation: Passive-Aggressively Let Brian Know I Think He's Breaking Up With Me and I am Totally Cool With It into effect by gushing about Trent. Brian's like, "O…kay?" Then Kristin flounces off and Brian muses on the transportation methods of cottage cheese. This chapter is weird as hell.

Kristin snarks at Brian in her head. Apparently she thinks that he thinks that she's too nice! O, the miscommunication. It's almost Shakespearean. She sees Damon and Jessica being cute across the cafeteria and wonders why Damon doesn't seem to need any space from Jessica. Probably because he fears for his life if he breaks up with her. Lacey invites Kristin to a barbecue (that Trent will also be attending). Then she tells Kristin that she told Trent that Kristin is single now. Kristin's like, "Good." Oh snap!

Salvador in the car with the Doña. She tells him that his great-uncle Hector was a singer and had eight wives. Salvador thinks that Hector was kind of a douche if he was always replacing his wives. They get to Blue's house and Salvador flashes Blue a "suspicious" look, but Blue just smiles at him. Salvador assumes that Blue is just very good at hiding things. Or maybe your ~suspicious~ look looked just like a regular look, Salvador. (Never let me write a sentence like that again.) Brian's all huffy over Kristin's rejection, and Salvador tells him that she's just trying to make him jealous. Then he thinks that perhaps he's not the best one to give advice, since his only experience with girls has been the Anna/Salvador/Liz triangle of yore. "Who did I think I was, my great-uncle Hector?" Blue suggests that Kristin is scared that Brian will run off with a groupie. Brian completely snaps at that and is like, "We are not rock stars! We do not have groupies! We have one song that doesn't entirely suck!" All the guys are shamefaced and Brian feels bad. Aw, Brian! Don't fight the nice guy inside!

Anyway, they start to practice, only they're all sad and end up pathetically whispering their way through the song. They cut practice short and Brian sulks all the way home, mumblegrumbling about Kristin and older guys and too nice and NorCal. Finally he decides that he should rewrite "Too Nice" to make it…nicer. Wait, what? I'm all for Brian trying to talk to Kristin instead of being passive-aggressive, but aren't we right back where we started?

Back at Blue's house, Salvador is trying to question him about his ~feelings~ for Liz. I think Salvador should carry around a lamp, so he can shine it in their faces while he's trying to sweat 'em. Blue's like, "Yeah, Liz is cool. And pretty." Salvador grumbles that it looks like Blue really does like Liz, which…duh, Salvador. And then Salvador has a revelation that maybe he's not over Liz after all! Yes, Salvador, we all got there about eight books ago. The Doña comes and picks Salvador up, and offers him some more advice from Uncle Hector of the Eight Wives: never bottle up your emotions! Act on your feelings or else your singing voice won't be pure! Salvador, recognizing the relevance of this advice to the plot, is like, "Just drive." Hey, don't be rude to your grandma, Salvador! She doesn't have to drive you everywhere!

Brian rewrites "Too Nice" to be called "Think Twice." It's nice! And apologetic. I'm sort of confused. Does Brian not care anymore that everyone was stomping all over him?

Salvador passes Liz a note about how nice the weather is and how nice it would be to roll around in the grass. Liz is like, "You're weird." Then she asks Anna if Salvador seems weird and Anna's like, "Idk. But remember, Salvador is, and always will be, a freak." Ha! Then Blue asks Liz if she wants to go surfing with him after school. Liz accepts. And none for Salvador, bye!

Kristin at the Barbecue of Possible Hooking Up with Lacey's Cousin, if Brian is Still Being a Jerk. I have absolutely no idea why a fifteen-year-old is interested in a thirteen-year old, but whatever. Kristin eats some scampi and wonders if the shrimp is going to do a song and dance, "like the Cricket in Times Square." Maybe I'm easily amused, but I giggled a bit. Oh, and Lacey is wearing a "denim halter dress" that exposes most of her back. These thirteen-year-olds have more confidence in their bodies than I did at that age. And less parental supervision. Richard and Lacey flirt. Kristin keeps thinking about Brian, mostly about how she wants to make up, only she has no idea what the hell they're fighting about. This is what passive-aggression gets you, kids! Also, it turns out Trent is macking on some sixteen-year-old named Tamara Sonnenheim. Lacey points out that Big Noise is probably still practicing, and that Kristin should go make up with Brian, because she can't eat her shish kebabs with Kristin acting all mopey. Aw.

Brian. All the guys gather for band practice. Salvador is hanging upside down from a pull-up bar. Blue is like, "Dude, Salvador, what are you, a bat?" ILU Blue. Brian tells them that he's changed the lyrics to "Too Nice" because it was too mean and they're like, "Dude, our gig is the day after tomorrow!" and Brian's like, "But it's mean! To Kristin!" and Damon's like, "How the hell is she going to know it's about her?" Salvador dramatizes that it's not fair to the song to change the lyrics! Brian, hilariously, is like, "As usual, Salvador was being melodramatic." Brian explains that the new song is about thinking twice before you, like, act like a douche to your girlfriend and wear pants three sizes too big and get a haircut at Great Waves…or, you know, whatever. "Who do you think we are, 'N Sync?" grouches Salvador. Excuse you, Salvador, I think you'll find that it is stylized as *NSYNC. I have the CDs to prove it!

Anyway, they try the new song and it all goes fine for about a minute, then Salvador, drama queen that he is, starts singing "Too Nice" and soon all the guys are playing the old song. Wow, Brian, you really are too nice. Tell Salvador to knock it off before Kristin runs in at an unfortunate moment! Which is exactly what happens. Kristin goes into the garage and notices that the lyrics describe things that are suspiciously similar to things that she and Brian do. She realizes that the song is about her and runs out of the garage, knocking over a surfboard as she does.

Brian. The dudes hear the board crash and Blue runs out in a fit of surfer dude panic. He tells them that it was Kristin and all the dudes are like, "Oops." Brian says that he's going to quit unless they change it to "Think Twice." All the guys grudgingly agree. I feel like it's kind of douchey of them to be all mopey about changing it when it's pretty obvious that the song upset Kristin. Anyway.

Liz. Steven drops her off and tells her to watch out for sharks, cackling as he drives away. Steven is such a dork. She hears the lyrics to the new song and digs it: "The lyrics were sweet, adorable." Like kittens! The guys notice her and immediately start leaving. Salvador is douchey to her for no reason I can think of and then tells her to call him. Liz is like, "O…kay?" Then she asks Blue why they're all acting like freaks and he's like, "Idk. Wanna go surfing?"

Trent leaves Kristin a message asking her to hang out. And Brian leaves her a message telling her about the Manchester Club gig, which Kristin plays back four times. I'm glad the book feels the need to let us know that.

And yet! Kristin accepts Trent's invitation! I did not see that plot twist coming. Kristin herself has no idea what's going on, since she freely admits that Trent is a ~player~, lest we all forget Tamara Sonnenheim. She snips to herself that if Brian wants to break up with her, he can say it to her face instead of playing "Too Nice" in front of God and everybody. Ooooh.

Liz calls Salvador and an incredibly awkward conversation ensues. These later books with Salvador and Liz are so weird. She asks if she can talk to his grandma and get her recipe for oatmeal cookies. Salvador enthusiastically agrees -- dude, did you want to talk to Liz or not? -- and the Doña gives Liz the recipe. Then she adds that she can see why Salvador likes Liz so much. They're like puzzle pieces that fit together just -- and then she drops the phone.

Salvador. Apparently he, like, tackled his grandma to get the phone away from her. Again: Salvador is really weird. Then he hangs up on Liz. Jesus, and he wonders why Blue is so clearly making better progress with her?

Friday at school. Brian tries to talk to Kristin. She ignores him. The English class is studying Jane Eyre, and Salvador opines that he doesn't get why Jane got with a guy who's all crispy. Hey, spoilers! Brian has to sit with Ronald Rheece (remember him?) at lunch and it's awkward. Kristin sits with Bethel McCoy (remember her?) and wonders if Brian noticed her. And then, "everyone goes home with no plans to see each other later." Thanks for letting us know?

Saturday night -- wait, what? What was the point of that last chapter? Kristin cancels her plans with Trent, gets dressed in her favorite clothes -- none of those new clothes Lacey made her buy! -- and goes off to the Manchester Club. I'm so confused. Is the moral of this story is that change is bad? Never try to change yourself, or you will end up being an asshole/getting seduced by a fifteen-year-old drummer named Trent? Is that what you want young readers to take away from this book, Francine Pascal?

Brian at the Manchester Club. All the guys are incredibly nervous. Damon, apparently, is as pale as Brian's sweat socks. Mmm, imagery. Brian keeps peeking out through the curtain, but can't find Kristin. Well, no, Brian, if you did find her, then you'd know she ditched Berkeley Trent for you and then this book would be over.

Liz. She and Anna go backstage to wish the guys good luck. Jessica is jamming to some kid named "Reed"'s song. I…will take the writer's word for it. And hey, guess who else is in this chapter? Lila Fowler! Liz muses that the Lila they knew would never come to the Manchester Club, "for fear of getting germs from the common people." Heh. Oh, and Lila is wearing a yellow halter top that shows her midriff. I know how important clothing descriptions are in these books. Anyway, Liz pulls an incredibly nervous and sweaty Salvador aside and tells him that he's been acting weird as hell lately, but they're friends and she loves him, so he needs to get his shit together. An inspiring speech from St. Liz saves the day and Salvador is back to normal and tells the rest of the band to get ready.

Then Anna makes them get down on their knees and growl like rabid dogs to "release their inhibitions." I love Anna. I wish she showed up more often instead of stupid Salvador.

Salvador is all aflutter from Liz telling him that she loves him. Big Noise goes out and plays "Oreo Eyes," and Salvador gets all giddy because he's playing ~their song~. Incorrect, Salvador! Liz doesn't have brown eyes! Now, if the song were called "Pacific Ocean Eyes," then you'd have a case. But whatever.

Kristin. Even Lacey is into Big Noise, which is weird, because as far as I can tell, she doesn't actually like any of the dudes in the band. (Except for maybe that one book where she tried to get with Damon? I may be making that up.) Then they play "Think Twice" and Kristin realizes that Brian doesn't want to break up with her after all. So…that happened.

Brian. The crowd is swaying and waving lighters and shit to "Think Twice" and the guys are all improvising an ~extended remix version~. Like they're actual musicians! Oh, Sweet Valley. Brian sees Kristin smiling and knows that they are ~back 2gether 4eva~ and thinks that being nice is underrated. So…I guess nothing changes? His family still runs over him? Does he ever stop wearing Billy's clothes? I guess we'll never know, since I'm pretty sure Brian doesn't even show up in the next book. Bless Sweet Valley continuity.

THE END.