SVU #28: ELIZABETH'S HEARTBREAK
Almost immediately from the title, I can tell half the members of this site have been lulled into a rebellious-motorbike-riding coma, but I assure you, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT LIZ. Possibly the most insane Jessica plot also lies ahead, not in kidnapping/doppelgangers/serial killer stakes, but in the 'Wakefield = Royalty' kind of way. If i'm not making sense... STICK WITH ME. We have an interesting journey ahead of us.
Before I start, can I just mention the ad on the right side of my screen is incredibly distracting, not to mention just.plain.shit. I don't want to see IMVU ads which show computerised people biting each other's necks and the words 'FIND YOUR BELLA' at the bottom. It might affect my snarking levels.
CH. 1.
Todd is treating his one and only gal pal Liz to a fancy dinner at Rue Lafayette, which I just google translated and means Lafayette Street. Huh. Boring.
"As she gently pressed her fingertips against one of the ornate Greek columns, Elizabeth almost expected the whole structure to topple over and fall to the ground. When it held fast, she smiled. It's real, she thought. Everything here is real. I feel like I'm dreaming, but I'm not."
I can't help but giggle at the mental image of Liz just... touching everything around her and smiling insanely to herself. There are so many internal monologues of how lucky she is, and her traumatic breakup with Tom Watts, and how happy she is, and gasping over shit like grand lobby's and private libraries (in a restaurant? Whatevs. I'll just let it go). The fawn over each other, Liz has a conniption over the price of the food, Todd's all 'It's on me babeh', then gives her a rose he produces from his jacket. I immediately thought, OH MY GOD. TODD'S A MAGICIAN. I don't know why.
They order salads, to which Todd 'groans softly'. Mmm, me likey. Liz can't resist his manly sighs of lettuce-related ecstasy either, and once again thinks how lucky she is, and we get a run-down of Tom and how shit their relationship was. Short story: Tom's newly found dad cracked on to her, Liz told Tom, Tom was basically like, BITCH PLEASE, and thus ends the most boring relationship in the history of Sweet Valley. Seriously. Tom actually beats Todd in this category. They talk about Gin-Yung, who Todd's still dating (...?) and say their 'I love you's' over romantic candlelight.
Cut to Gin-Yung, whose moping at home, jet-lagged from her trip to London and... well, dying. She's actually the only considerate person in this entire book, and would be pretty likeable if she didn't have such bad taste in boyfies. She muses over how she feels about Todd and resolves to see him as soon as possible. Uh-oh! I'm assuming shenanigans are going to follow! She and her sister set up chairs outside to watch a meteor shower, which actually sounds really cool.
Now Tom and Dana are on their second date, and we get a description of Dana's banging outfit:
"The outrageously skimpy purple dress covered with big yellow flowers was plenty wild, but combined with brick red, knee-high boots and a wide brimmed hat - well, Dana was the artsy type, all right".
Um, I think the the words the ghostwriter was searching for was psychotic hippy farmer. In case you're interested, they had a great time at their first date, A POETRY READING, and Tom laments that she's still no Elizabeth Wakefield. Of course not. Her hair is mahogany for one thing, which instantly makes me think furniture? Anyone else? Dana invites Tom to her recital tomorrow night, and they head off for their date, which consists of driving around to nowhere in particular, because each other's company is enough. Naawww.
I take back what I said about the meteor shower being cool - apparently, in SV world, showing up with picnic blankets and food (NO ALCOHOL PLEASE!) to watch rocks fall from the sky earns you twenty-five credit points in astronomy class. No need to show your knowledge of what's actually happening or anything, just rock up (teehee! rock!) and you're guaranteed points. Wow. Winston and Denise are there. as well as Nina and Bryan, Alex and Noah, but who cares, those last four are just secondary characters. The chapter ends with no one noticing a well-dressed, middle aged slightly balding man sitting alone on a rock with binoculars watching a couple in the parking lot of one of the dorms. The ghostwriter is trying to deceive me with her clever plot devices and red herrings, but I'm too cunning and I'm almost certain that this man is not watching the meteor shower.
CH 2.
Jess is telling the upstanding citizens of Theta Alpha Theta why Nick Fox is the best boyfriend in the world. They're getting manicures and waiting for Alison Quinn to show up and announce something that is convenient to the plot. We get a paragraph on Lila that just sums up her awesomeness:
"Gracefully Lila put her hands out in front of her and sat with such poise and finesse that one would never guess she was simply waiting for her polish to dry. In fact, she looked as if she were posing for the cover of a French fashion magazine. And for Lila Fowler that was never much of a stretch." Fuck yeah, Lila!
They talk about shit all till Alison arrives, and she announces that Bobby Hornet, the most awesome and fabulous and fantastic and sexy musician is coming to Sweet Valley, because it's just this big awesome, fabulous, fantastic and sexy place, and he's going to be shooting a calendar to raise money for the homeless, and it's going to be this awesome, fabulous, fantastic and sexy bikini calendar. A Theta will of course be chosen to represent a part of the campus, because every other organisation is only comprised of uggos, and to Alison's annoyance, plenty of girls sign up for the chance, including Jess. CAT FIGHT. They learn that he will be at Disc-Oh! Music tomorrow afternoon to screen potential models, and Jessica immediately goes into sociopathic mode, not even considering that someone else MAY have a chance at this calendar. I mean, fuck off. She's a Wakefield.
The most boring paragraph follows about Nina and Liz in the library. I know. I KNOW. I HAD TO READ IT. They discuss their relationships and jealousy and Liz shits her pants when she sees Gin-Yung on the way to the WSVU station. She reasons that Gin-Yung is in London and it can't be her (spoiler alert: it was her. She wasn't in London. Soz for ruining it). She cries woe is me for a while.
CH 3.
Jess is visiting Nick. She imagines that the station is a cop mall, and that you can walk right in, pick out a strong, handsome policeman and charge him to your parents' credit card. Oh Jess, you so funny. She brings Nick a sandwich and coffee to bribe him into allowing her to pose for a bikini calendar, and he agrees immediately. He asks if they picked her, to which she replies, "Yes. Well, no, not yet, but I'm pretty sure they will - if I tell them I want to do it, that is." Oh my God, how egotistical can you be? Seriously? The Wakefield's apparenty have more authority than Obama, and I call bullshit. She leaves all happy, shouting that he's sexy, dangerous and supportive!
Gin Yung is sitting on campus watching everyone go by, and her sister is bullying her into going and seeing Todd, but she refuses until the time is right. It's actually pretty sad. Sad face :(
CH 4.
Todd arrives to pick Liz up for a date, and she's all depression personified. They're going to see a recital, and Todd warms when he sees Elizabeth's dimple appear. Hot. What follows is some crazy mood swings from Liz, and by the time they get to the recital, she's all upset about seeing Tom at the station and Todd is like, well, quit. She explodes into a plume of spun-gold smoke, mixed in with Pacific-Ocean coloured dots, and is all: I CANT QUIT! REPORTING KEEPS ME SANE! AND IM REAL GOOD AT IT! I WANT TO DO IT. They have an argument, their first for this book and we're only in chapter four, and then forget all about it. Cool. So that entire passage was basically a waste of time. Liz is worried she might see Gin-Yung, but suddenly feels immersed in the love and joy she feels from being near Todd. I'm near vomit.
Cue Tom, who's also there with Dana. They talk a bit, then bump into Todd and Liz, and have a silent Western standoff, except with really shit compliments and not-so-subtle possesive arm-around-waist wrapping. Liz runs off, her cheeks wet and whatnot. Todd chases her and does the obligatory 'you're too good for him, he's just being spiteful, you got me now!' thing, and Liz vows that "If Todd can make me forget about Tom, then I can make him forget he ever had feelings for Gin-Yung Suh", which is pretty damn harsh Liz. There's a lot of description which can be cut out and replaced with "They kiss. A lot. And it's wet".
CH 5.
Gin-Yung is waiting on Todd's doorstep, and when Todd lets her in she chickens out of telling him that she's dying and keeps up the charade of being in London for an internship and not an operation. Todd feels really guilty and decides he needs to hurt one woman in his life, or he'll end up hurting them both. It's all very dramatic.
Tom takes Dana to Seacliff Inn. She's wearing a patchwork calico dress which contrasts with the yellow bloom in her furniture-coloured hair. They eat lots of posh sounding things, because Tom is boss now, didn't you hear? Nothing is too expensive!
Todd is helping Winston wash his bright orange car. They have a manly discussion about chicks, and basically reiterate everything we know already, then have a soapy water fight. IT'S GETTING HOT UP IN HERE, Y'ALL!
More Jess! She's clomping her way to Disc-Oh!, and her Racy Red nails match her lipstick perfectly. She's wearing a long, tan, trench coat, which, I'm sorry, I cannot call anything but the Public Masturbator Trench Coat - for hilarious referencing, please see here and experience Jon Lajoie, you won't regret it - and she makes her way into the store, where she sees Bobby looking over Alison's photos. She climbs up the long staircase and drops her coat over the edge, revealing a bright red string bikini. Of course, it all goes silent, and everyone's attention is on the beautiful blonde standing on top of the staircase. She makes a sexy entrance down, watched closely by Bobby Hornet. See now, here's another piece of bullshit - "Some enterprising store employee had even put on a CD of Handel's 'Hallelujah Chorus'". You hear that guys? If Jess had a themesong, apparently it would be Hallelujah. She is practically a demi-God. Bobby implies that she has the spot on the calendar, then asks her out to dinner. She fleetingly thinks of Nick, then says yes. Alison turns the colour of mahogany furniture and storms out of the store in a good old-fashioned rage.
CH 6.
Liz is trying on outfits for a date with Todd, but NOTHING IS RIGHT. In the end, she wears her SVU sweatshirt, and Todd turns up early so she goes in that. Yep, that makes all the boys hot. He seems preoccupied, which I would gather is plausible, seeing as his real girlfriend is back. They go for a walk and talk about it (a lot of deep and meaningfuls in this book) and they weep together. Todd pledges his undying love for her, and he refuses to let her go. He realises he needs to sort shit out with Gin-Yung, and they part ways.
Jess is looking through her closet for an outfit for her big Bobby Hornet date, and Liz walks in, resembling a zombie. Jess chatters on, oblivious to Elizabeth's apparent zombieness, and Liz suddenly bursts into tears, and wails loudly, pounding on her bed with her fists. Okay, she's an angry zombie. She explains the situation and Jess consoles her and sends her off to have a shower. She is staring out the window when she sees a flash in the bushes, perhaps the lens of a camera, and just deduces that it's a frat boy mucking around. She internally berates herself for accepting this date, but it has not escaped my ninja-like mind that she's still going on the date.
Tom and Dana are coming home from their date. They went to the zoo and the movies. 2 kewt! They arrange ANOTHER date for Sunday. For fucks sake, does no one study?
CH 7.
Jess heads for Theta house, jonesing for a hit of Saturday afternoon gossip. She sees Gin-Yung, and remembers what Liz said last night. Her sociopathicness and love of destroying all things that don't directly involve her kicks in, and she pretty much just destroys her, with all this "They were happy till you came back, now he feels like he has to be with you" kind of rubbish. Once she leaves she thinks "No wonder Elizabeth was always doing good deeds for people. It felt great."
Gin Yung is still recovering from the below the belt punch from Jess, and completely agrees with her, deciding that Todd's happiness is way more important. She is seriously the sweetest damn person in these books. I remember that I used to always skip over her parts in the SVU books, but I can't recall for the life of me why. Her sister takes her home to get ready for her talk with Todd together.
Liz isn't out of bed. That's cool, it's a lot easier to do that when pesky things like exams and lectures and jobs aren't interfering. She's all emo, and another incredibly dull conversation with Nina follows. I'm not even going to talk about it. That's the level of boring that this conversation rates.
CH 8.
Tom's racing into his place to check his messages hoping he has one from Dana. Someone obviously hasn't seen He's Just Not That Into You. Dana is clearly playing the game here. He decides to head to his Dad's, and rings Dana before he leaves. There's AN ENTIRE PAGE of lead up into this phone call. They establish that, yes, they are still seeing each other tomorrow, and now they can breathe easy and get along with life.
Todd is at Gin-Yung's, and they have awkward generic conversation. Finally, she tells him that she met someone else and doesn't want to be with Todd anymore. She feels guilty but she doesn't want to pretend to love Todd when she wants to be with someone else. Gin-Yung, you are amazing, and I will die for you. She lets him know she knows about him and Liz, and she's not mean about it at all. Todd leaves with an inappropriate spring in his step. Gin-Yungs sister reams her out for not telling the truth.
CH 9.
Jess is pissed, you guys. She's feeling totez misunderstood. Bobby Hornet's personal limo has taken her to Marvioso, a trendy Italian bistro, and she's got a free meal and champagne, but she's just not feeling it. And Bobby Hornet seems pretty flaming to me. All this "Darliinng", "We'll have our food in two shakes", "Hey, pa-pa-ra-zzi", doesn't seem straight. Not even a little. Jess freaks at the thought of paparazzi getting her photo, and Bobby is all 'what the fuck, you want to get into a photo calendar, but you can't handle getting your picture taken?' Reporters are yelling at her, flashbulbs are going off, it's all happening, and they get the table right next to the window. Nothing good can come from this. Bobby is all creepy touchy feely weird, and Jess can't stop thinking about Nick. She finally tells him she has a boyfriend, and goes to leave, when by coincidence (yep, ghostie is going with 'coincidence') Nick is going down the street in the police cruiser. Oh, you in trouble now! He sees her and she runs after the car screaming, but he speeds off.
Tom is waiting at his Dad's, whose brought home all this organic food for dinner, which really sounds like shit. Blanched broccoli, sauteed tofu and carrot health salad... i would rather eat my keyboard. They talk about Liz and Dana, and Tom gets annoyed that his Dad defends Liz. They have a D&M, and then chuck the organic stuff and order pizza. That crazy family!
CH 10.
Gin Yung goes to see Liz. Suprisingly, they talk about Todd. I honestly thought she was going to ask for Liz's chemistry notes, till I remember that SVU doesn't actually offer any education. The only two courses available are football and meteor-watching. Gin Yung spins the same story to Liz and she swallows it, ecstatic that she can get back with Todd without that inconvenient guilt nestled in the bottom of her stomach.
Tom and Dana are having awesome shenanigans, telling stories and running around in the surf. Tom muses that he's found the perfect girlfriend. Till the next book, of course.
Liz and Todd meet and are all excited that Gin Yung pretend-cheated so now they can resume their relationship. For all you romantics out there, he "pulls her into a sweaty embrace". Ohhh yeeeahhhhh.
CH 11.
Nearly there, gang! It's almost over, I promise. Jess is at the police station, and has been waiting forever for Nick to leave so she can follow him and apologise. Seeing as that's logical. The other cops and Nick are assholes, but they leave the two quarrelling lovebirds to sort out their issues. She explains that she was worried she wouldn't get the calendar unless she went out with him, and that she would give up the calendar for him, and he melts into a little puddle of Wakefield putty. They can't stay mad at each other! They kiss and make up.
Another goddam Dana and Tom date is ending, and Tom heads to his Dads. They're at the movies so he lets himself in and goes to the study, promptly going through all his private documents. He finds a photo of Liz and him, and brushes it off. However, he can't really explain the candid shots of Liz sunbathing behind her dorm, or the cuttings of articles Liz has done and stories she's been in, even before they met Tom's Dad. I can't believe how long it's taken Tom to mothereffing figure out, but at last, ghostie socks it to him with "the truth hitting him like a punch to the stomach".
CH 12.
Nervous excitement at the sorority house! They're finally going to hear who is picked for the calendar. Jessica is all mopey and doesnt give two hoots about who wins, until she wins. Duh. She asks Bobby why he picked her, to which is replies that obviously dating him wasn't a requirement. Alison is all over him, reminding them that she wasn't the type they were looking for, as she's very European looking. Bobby tells Jess that his younger brother actually works in the precinct with Nick, and it's all smiles and rainbows for the SV gang. I don't have the book after this one, but I'm pretty certain this modelling career will be never mentioned again.
Todd is at Gin-Yung's with a whole load of her stuff to return, and when she answers the door she faints and then has a fit. He calls an ambulance, and him and Liz wait at the hospital together. The Suh family inform them that Gin-Yung has a brain tumour, and that it's inoperable. The book ends with Todd crying into Liz's shirt.
In conclusion... yeah, I don't even know.