SVSY #11: Take Me On
Diary entries:
Jess: Blah, blah, kissing Will, blah.
Conner: Over-dramatic cynicism.
Angel: Who? Who cares.
Liz: Blah, blah, I miss Conner, blah.
Chapter 1: Moving day! The Wakefields are leaving Fowler Crest behind. Lila, of course, sticks around to trade insults with Jess. “I know how easy it is to get my designer labels mixed up with-well, whatever it is you’re wearing these days.” Jess insults Lila’s wardrobe-which earns an eyeroll from me. How many times has Jess raided Lila’s closet? Please.
Lila gets in one last dig at Jess as Will Simmons unexpectedly shows up to thank Jess for her help in planning the kidnap. And by thank, I mean make thinly veiled references to their two-second lip-lock the day before. My best friend’s five year old is a better flirt than Will. Somehow, Will thinks volunteering to help with the move will make Jessica forget about how he’s the reason she’s the unpopular town slut. (Somewhere, Annie Whitman is laughing her ass off.) In a rare moment of clarity, Jess is as skeptical as I am. Unfortunately, Jess somehow missed the teenage ritual of “burn and purge”-and Will opens a box of gifts he sent her while unpacking. Jess scurries him out the door, but not before nearly kissing him again. ETBK: (Estimated Time Before Kissing) 3 chapters.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, erm, hospital… Conner & Megan’s mother is hospitalized following a drunk-driving accident. Mommie dearest lies about the drinking, the drinking and driving, and denies that she has a problem… oh, but Megan and Conner must show up to court tomorrow morning, to prove she’s not a complete fuck-up. Conner is blazingly mad-but a minor. Having an alcoholic mom is better than having your ex-stepdad around (apparently), so he’ll be there with bells on. (Or just a suit and tie.)
Chapter 2: In court. Somehow, the proceeding takes a whole of 10 minutes, from plea to verdict. Aren’t there sentencing guidelines to follow-i.e. all first offenders face the same punishment? No matter. Mrs. Sandborn is sentenced to inpatient rehab (but who knows for how long), a suspended license, and a fine. The judge calls her out on her bullshit, and Conner is thrilled. What short memories we have! The stage is set for the return of Conner’s evil stepfather… Conner and Mrs. Sanborn fight over who drives. (Sounds like someone had a special perk-me-up in their coffee that morning!)
(Side Note: I call bullshit on this whole plotline. I had a friend who was arrested in CA for a DUI several years ago. Similar situation-banged up, no one was hurt. He was thrown in jail for 48 hours, had his license suspended, and sentenced to a fine and community service, plus some DUI meetings. Oh, Sweet Valley. Dude, Liz was UNDERAGE and drunk, and someone DIED, and her license was merely suspended. Maybe Margo bribed the judge to avoid Liz ending up in rehab?)
Jess spazes over a run-in with Melissa and Lila, about Will. Liz plots to stalk Conner through every period in school. (Note to Liz: Stalking is not sexy. You should know…) Winston 2.0 / Andy votes for Madonna as Most Likely to Succeed. First time I’ve cracked a smile this book.
Chapter 3: Yawn. Tia finds out that Angel will have to leave for college in 4 days if he gets the RA position. She wonders what it’s like to be “one of those girls without a steady boyfriend.” Um, Tia? He’s moving. You’re not breaking up. He’s not even going that far! But I can see how you equate “personal driver / bitch boy at your beck and call” with “boyfriend.”
Winston 2.0, Liz, and Jess go to the mall. They eat sweets. Winston 2.0 ribs Jess about Will, and Liz gleefully informs her that Ned and Alice want to invite him to dinner two nights hence. Liz points out his merits-obviously, aliens / Margo really did possess her body, as this guy is evil-and Jess caves. Liz also suggests they attend a party at Aaron Dallas’ house. Not liking this Liz.
Mrs. Sandborn is going to rehab in Minnesota-because insurance plans LOVE to only pay for out-of-state treatment. Right.
Chapter 4: In less than 24 hours, Megan’s dad / Conner’s ex-stepdad Gary has made the approximately 19-hour drive (and that’s without traffic, mind you) from Seattle. He must work for Starbucks. In this alterna-world, one of Sweet Valley’s paradigm’s has been violated. Parental supervision is not only needed-but available! Gary will be staying until Mrs. Sandborn returns. Conner mopes.
In another conversation with an El Carro-ite (Tia) and Liz, Jess continues to deny she’s into Will-in that offensive, transparent, annoying girly-girl method of over-exaggerating. Sure you don’t like Will, Jess. Can you shout it any louder?
Interlude: Ken, Andy, and Maria use a garden chatroom to make plans for Aaron’s party. WTF was the point of that? This is not 1993. IM was actually hip back when this book was written in ’99.
Chapter 5: Conner and Gary psychoanalyze each other at the dinner table. Apparently, Gary’s a psychiatrist. Gary hits the nail on the head-he has daddy issues, and resulting from that, trust issues. Conner blows up and storms off. I was waiting for the “so’s your mom” that never came.
Jess spends Aaron’s party avoiding Will and ignoring Lila / Melissa / Cherie’s whispers, until he corners her. She continues denying she wants him-loudly, in front of everyone. Poor Jess. I actually feel for her here-except that by making a scene about Will’s advances, she’s just adding to the gossip. Doesn’t she remember anything about being a Mean Girl?
Tia is starting to come to grips with Angel leaving, and wonders if they should DO IT. Let me tell you honey, if you’re “afraid to let [your] mind form the thought,” you’re not ready. Plus, this is high school. Having sex to keep someone around invariably backfires, and they’ve split faster than you can say, “Was that good for you?”
Chapter 6: Jess and Liz continue their bizarre role-reversals. Liz invites Will to dinner. Jess freaks, asks Liz if she’s had a lobotomy, and accepts. Tia still can’t say the word “sex” out loud, as she attempts to tell Conner. Unfortunately, Conner is drunk, and cracking silent jokes about meeting up with his mom at Betty Ford. (What a marketing strategy: Mother-Son rehab! Confused about how to bond with your teenage children? Party with them, and then sober up together! Your very own month-long bonding session, for only $500 a day!) Conner also interrupts bonding time between Megan and her dad, just to prove how “powerful” he is. This chapter is bumming me out. Moving on…
Interlude: Jess makes 4 really good points about why she should hate Will (he cheated on his girlfriend, lied about it, trashed her reputation, AND wrecked her relationship with the quite possibly only decent guy she’s ever dated (Jeremy)). Of course, she manages to refute every reason. Honey, if he’s so attracted to you he can’t be bothered to break up with his girlfriend, what do you think he’s going to do when the next hottie comes along? Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way. And the answer is not, “Oh, no, sweetie, I’d NEVER do that to you!” It’s, “I’m doing it already, but trying my best to hide it!”
Chapter 7: Liz uses the same flawed logic as Jess to convince her that she a) likes Will, and b) he deserves a second chance. Not all cheaters and liars are bad! Yeah, Liz, you would know. Did Will take lessons at St. Elizabeth’s School of Double Standards?
Megan continues to be happy with her dad, Gary continues to make an effort, and Conner continues to act like someone took a dump in his shoes.
Will comes to dinner and charms the pants off of Alice, bringing chocolates for Jess, and a plant for Alice. Aiice loves him, Jess loves him, and Liz has saved the day again by arranging this hook-up. All is well at Casa Wakefield.
Chapter 8: Tia acts like a stereotypical guy and equates sex with love. Angel is a bit more realistic-I mean, he can say the word SEX!-and gently tells Tia that fear of losing someone isn’t a good enough reason for sex. They should wait until they’re really ready. (Awww, I like this guy. Can I call a do-over on losing my virginity? I want him. Or Jake Ryan.) Tia’s now paranoid that she’s turned into a sister-figure.
In a slightly less egregious than normal act of parenting, Ned and Alice tell Jessica they approve of Will, telling her that he is the most polite, mature boy the twins have ever brought home. Then again, look at the competition. Jess loses herself to lust and makes out with Will on the couch. Ack.
Chapter 9: Conner and Gary have a screaming match over Gary’s bad parenting, and his tendency to prioritize his career over Megan. (Side note: he’s a doctor. That happens. It’s supposed to.) Conner’s one to talk-his dad disappeared completely about 6 years ago, but Conner’s rubber and Gary’s glue. Or something like that.
Until he snoops around and finds out that Gary fought for custody of Megan. Conner is shocked to realize he cares about his daughter. (If he didn’t, why the hell is he in California? It’s not like shutting down your practice on an hour’s notice for a month is a walk in the park…)
Jess tells Jeremy she’s dating Will. Poor guy. Jess cheats on him and then rubs it in his face. Way to be classy, Jess. And yes, deception is a form of lying. It’s called omitting the truth. Try that one in court and see how fast they slap the cuffs on you.
Chapter 10: Tia and Angel fight, nearly break up, and make up before he drives to Stanford. I could care less about these two. If she’s that insecure, they won’t last long, anyway.
Conner overhears Gary talking to a woman, promising he’ll never put his daughter before her again, and invites her to move in. Hm, guess I’m wrong. He is kind of skuzzy. On the other hand, he’s an adult, with his own life. What’s so wrong with introducing your 15-year-old to your girlfriend?
A couple of lame diary entries, and… fin. These semi-realistic scenarios are driving me nuts. Where’s a crazed mass murderer when you need one?
Jess: Blah, blah, kissing Will, blah.
Conner: Over-dramatic cynicism.
Angel: Who? Who cares.
Liz: Blah, blah, I miss Conner, blah.
Chapter 1: Moving day! The Wakefields are leaving Fowler Crest behind. Lila, of course, sticks around to trade insults with Jess. “I know how easy it is to get my designer labels mixed up with-well, whatever it is you’re wearing these days.” Jess insults Lila’s wardrobe-which earns an eyeroll from me. How many times has Jess raided Lila’s closet? Please.
Lila gets in one last dig at Jess as Will Simmons unexpectedly shows up to thank Jess for her help in planning the kidnap. And by thank, I mean make thinly veiled references to their two-second lip-lock the day before. My best friend’s five year old is a better flirt than Will. Somehow, Will thinks volunteering to help with the move will make Jessica forget about how he’s the reason she’s the unpopular town slut. (Somewhere, Annie Whitman is laughing her ass off.) In a rare moment of clarity, Jess is as skeptical as I am. Unfortunately, Jess somehow missed the teenage ritual of “burn and purge”-and Will opens a box of gifts he sent her while unpacking. Jess scurries him out the door, but not before nearly kissing him again. ETBK: (Estimated Time Before Kissing) 3 chapters.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, erm, hospital… Conner & Megan’s mother is hospitalized following a drunk-driving accident. Mommie dearest lies about the drinking, the drinking and driving, and denies that she has a problem… oh, but Megan and Conner must show up to court tomorrow morning, to prove she’s not a complete fuck-up. Conner is blazingly mad-but a minor. Having an alcoholic mom is better than having your ex-stepdad around (apparently), so he’ll be there with bells on. (Or just a suit and tie.)
Chapter 2: In court. Somehow, the proceeding takes a whole of 10 minutes, from plea to verdict. Aren’t there sentencing guidelines to follow-i.e. all first offenders face the same punishment? No matter. Mrs. Sandborn is sentenced to inpatient rehab (but who knows for how long), a suspended license, and a fine. The judge calls her out on her bullshit, and Conner is thrilled. What short memories we have! The stage is set for the return of Conner’s evil stepfather… Conner and Mrs. Sanborn fight over who drives. (Sounds like someone had a special perk-me-up in their coffee that morning!)
(Side Note: I call bullshit on this whole plotline. I had a friend who was arrested in CA for a DUI several years ago. Similar situation-banged up, no one was hurt. He was thrown in jail for 48 hours, had his license suspended, and sentenced to a fine and community service, plus some DUI meetings. Oh, Sweet Valley. Dude, Liz was UNDERAGE and drunk, and someone DIED, and her license was merely suspended. Maybe Margo bribed the judge to avoid Liz ending up in rehab?)
Jess spazes over a run-in with Melissa and Lila, about Will. Liz plots to stalk Conner through every period in school. (Note to Liz: Stalking is not sexy. You should know…) Winston 2.0 / Andy votes for Madonna as Most Likely to Succeed. First time I’ve cracked a smile this book.
Chapter 3: Yawn. Tia finds out that Angel will have to leave for college in 4 days if he gets the RA position. She wonders what it’s like to be “one of those girls without a steady boyfriend.” Um, Tia? He’s moving. You’re not breaking up. He’s not even going that far! But I can see how you equate “personal driver / bitch boy at your beck and call” with “boyfriend.”
Winston 2.0, Liz, and Jess go to the mall. They eat sweets. Winston 2.0 ribs Jess about Will, and Liz gleefully informs her that Ned and Alice want to invite him to dinner two nights hence. Liz points out his merits-obviously, aliens / Margo really did possess her body, as this guy is evil-and Jess caves. Liz also suggests they attend a party at Aaron Dallas’ house. Not liking this Liz.
Mrs. Sandborn is going to rehab in Minnesota-because insurance plans LOVE to only pay for out-of-state treatment. Right.
Chapter 4: In less than 24 hours, Megan’s dad / Conner’s ex-stepdad Gary has made the approximately 19-hour drive (and that’s without traffic, mind you) from Seattle. He must work for Starbucks. In this alterna-world, one of Sweet Valley’s paradigm’s has been violated. Parental supervision is not only needed-but available! Gary will be staying until Mrs. Sandborn returns. Conner mopes.
In another conversation with an El Carro-ite (Tia) and Liz, Jess continues to deny she’s into Will-in that offensive, transparent, annoying girly-girl method of over-exaggerating. Sure you don’t like Will, Jess. Can you shout it any louder?
Interlude: Ken, Andy, and Maria use a garden chatroom to make plans for Aaron’s party. WTF was the point of that? This is not 1993. IM was actually hip back when this book was written in ’99.
Chapter 5: Conner and Gary psychoanalyze each other at the dinner table. Apparently, Gary’s a psychiatrist. Gary hits the nail on the head-he has daddy issues, and resulting from that, trust issues. Conner blows up and storms off. I was waiting for the “so’s your mom” that never came.
Jess spends Aaron’s party avoiding Will and ignoring Lila / Melissa / Cherie’s whispers, until he corners her. She continues denying she wants him-loudly, in front of everyone. Poor Jess. I actually feel for her here-except that by making a scene about Will’s advances, she’s just adding to the gossip. Doesn’t she remember anything about being a Mean Girl?
Tia is starting to come to grips with Angel leaving, and wonders if they should DO IT. Let me tell you honey, if you’re “afraid to let [your] mind form the thought,” you’re not ready. Plus, this is high school. Having sex to keep someone around invariably backfires, and they’ve split faster than you can say, “Was that good for you?”
Chapter 6: Jess and Liz continue their bizarre role-reversals. Liz invites Will to dinner. Jess freaks, asks Liz if she’s had a lobotomy, and accepts. Tia still can’t say the word “sex” out loud, as she attempts to tell Conner. Unfortunately, Conner is drunk, and cracking silent jokes about meeting up with his mom at Betty Ford. (What a marketing strategy: Mother-Son rehab! Confused about how to bond with your teenage children? Party with them, and then sober up together! Your very own month-long bonding session, for only $500 a day!) Conner also interrupts bonding time between Megan and her dad, just to prove how “powerful” he is. This chapter is bumming me out. Moving on…
Interlude: Jess makes 4 really good points about why she should hate Will (he cheated on his girlfriend, lied about it, trashed her reputation, AND wrecked her relationship with the quite possibly only decent guy she’s ever dated (Jeremy)). Of course, she manages to refute every reason. Honey, if he’s so attracted to you he can’t be bothered to break up with his girlfriend, what do you think he’s going to do when the next hottie comes along? Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way. And the answer is not, “Oh, no, sweetie, I’d NEVER do that to you!” It’s, “I’m doing it already, but trying my best to hide it!”
Chapter 7: Liz uses the same flawed logic as Jess to convince her that she a) likes Will, and b) he deserves a second chance. Not all cheaters and liars are bad! Yeah, Liz, you would know. Did Will take lessons at St. Elizabeth’s School of Double Standards?
Megan continues to be happy with her dad, Gary continues to make an effort, and Conner continues to act like someone took a dump in his shoes.
Will comes to dinner and charms the pants off of Alice, bringing chocolates for Jess, and a plant for Alice. Aiice loves him, Jess loves him, and Liz has saved the day again by arranging this hook-up. All is well at Casa Wakefield.
Chapter 8: Tia acts like a stereotypical guy and equates sex with love. Angel is a bit more realistic-I mean, he can say the word SEX!-and gently tells Tia that fear of losing someone isn’t a good enough reason for sex. They should wait until they’re really ready. (Awww, I like this guy. Can I call a do-over on losing my virginity? I want him. Or Jake Ryan.) Tia’s now paranoid that she’s turned into a sister-figure.
In a slightly less egregious than normal act of parenting, Ned and Alice tell Jessica they approve of Will, telling her that he is the most polite, mature boy the twins have ever brought home. Then again, look at the competition. Jess loses herself to lust and makes out with Will on the couch. Ack.
Chapter 9: Conner and Gary have a screaming match over Gary’s bad parenting, and his tendency to prioritize his career over Megan. (Side note: he’s a doctor. That happens. It’s supposed to.) Conner’s one to talk-his dad disappeared completely about 6 years ago, but Conner’s rubber and Gary’s glue. Or something like that.
Until he snoops around and finds out that Gary fought for custody of Megan. Conner is shocked to realize he cares about his daughter. (If he didn’t, why the hell is he in California? It’s not like shutting down your practice on an hour’s notice for a month is a walk in the park…)
Jess tells Jeremy she’s dating Will. Poor guy. Jess cheats on him and then rubs it in his face. Way to be classy, Jess. And yes, deception is a form of lying. It’s called omitting the truth. Try that one in court and see how fast they slap the cuffs on you.
Chapter 10: Tia and Angel fight, nearly break up, and make up before he drives to Stanford. I could care less about these two. If she’s that insecure, they won’t last long, anyway.
Conner overhears Gary talking to a woman, promising he’ll never put his daughter before her again, and invites her to move in. Hm, guess I’m wrong. He is kind of skuzzy. On the other hand, he’s an adult, with his own life. What’s so wrong with introducing your 15-year-old to your girlfriend?
A couple of lame diary entries, and… fin. These semi-realistic scenarios are driving me nuts. Where’s a crazed mass murderer when you need one?