Sweet Valley University Thriller Edition #4: The House of Death
SVU Thriller Edition #4: The House of Death
I bought this online for two reasons. First, and most importantly, it has Lila on the cover and, secondly, it’s a thriller edition. Thriller editions are always amazing. Apparently, this one involves an earthquake in Sweet Valley. I hope Lila doesn’t get squished by a fridge!
The book opens at the reading of Lila’s aunt’s will. I didn’t know Lila had an aunt, so I can’t be too broken up about her death. Still, I bet she was awesome. The aunt, Katherine, was Lila’s mother’s sister. She has left three things to Grace Fowler:
1. Their father’s pocket watch
2. A diary of recipes (Katherine was a chef)
3. A tear-drop shaped diamond that was one of the largest in the world
But-psych!-there is no diamond. The lawyer, belatedly I think, tells Grace it was among the items stolen when Katherine was murdered. That information should’ve been given up front. I mean Grace should’ve known about the diamond and I should’ve known Lila’s awesome aunt was murdered. Lila thinks (and I quote) “Who would kill a wonderful person for a stupid diamond?” I don’t know if that is in character for her (she would love a huge diamond! She’d bring it to show-and-tell in SVK! Beat a huge diamond, Jessica!), but I like it.
The rest of Katherine’s estate? She left it to Lila. See, I told you she was awesome. Lila doesn’t want the house, she says, she can’t live somewhere her aunt was murdered. She doesn’t even want to go there ever again.
The next day, Lila is still upset about getting the house. Over breakfast, Bruce reminds her that her aunt gave it to her because (before it became the scene of a horrific crime), Lila loved the house and would’ve wanted it. He volunteers to go with her to see the house to “confront her fear.” Lila says she feels like the murderer is still there (how right she is), but Bruce assures her that he won’t let anything happen to her. I’d like to stop here and point out, while I applaud (and am mystified by) Bruce being a supportive boyfriend here, that if he had just let Lila go with her “never go there” instinct then my dear Lila would’ve been saved a lot of grief.
Way to go, Bruce. Even when you don’t try to fuck a girl over, you still somehow manage to pull it off.
Later, Lila drives up to the house by herself. Bruce is supposed to meet her there. But before he shows she gets a creepy feeling that she is being watched, and when she picks up her cell phone to call Bruce it is knocked out of her hand, down the cliff and into the ocean. This is the part where I explain that Aunt Katherine’s house was built on a jagged cliff with a precarious drop directly into the Pacific Ocean. Of course it was.
The reason Bruce is late is because football practice ran over. This is a piss poor excuse since, well, Bruce doesn’t play football. He plays tennis. Does anyone read these books? Anyway, he then comes upon an old woman with a flat tire. I’m relieved that Bruce at least thinks about leaving her there, because that is the Bruce Patman I know. But he can’t get out of it, so he offers help.
While Bruce is otherwise engaged, Lila stands outside of the house and fumes. Then she starts to think she hears voices. One in particular sounds like her Aunt Katherine. The voice tells her to come inside, and without realizing it, Lila enters the house even though she’s afraid. The voice says it is in the attic, so Lila climbs the stairs. But when she reaches the attic, she’s too scared to go inside. Then the whole house begins to shake. At first, Lila thinks her aunt is mad at her, until she realizes it’s just an earthquake. You know the situation is bad when “Oh it’s just an earthquake” is an option.
Then Lila is knocked unconscious by a falling armoire. Good thing there wasn’t a fridge nearby! But, still, apparently getting crushed by falling furniture is one of the number one causes of injury in Sweet Valley.
Fortunately, the old lady allows Bruce to go check on his girlfriend once the earthquake hits. Unfortunately, there is now a huge, gaping crack in the road to Aunt Katherine’s house. I’m picturing the Grand Canyon. Bruce can’t drive across. He calls 911 and they totally blow him off and say they have a lot to deal with. Hello! Giant hole in the road? Don’t you want to rope that off or something? No, the operator hangs up on him before he can get much out.
So Bruce does something kind of awesome? Remember how Tom jumped that pit to save Liz? Bruce one ups him. He gets in his car and jumps the crack in the road, Evel Knievel-style. My only sadness with this truly awesome scene is that Bruce is no longer driving 1bruce1. I know, I know, it hurt me to. For some reason, he’s in a Jeep-like he wants to be a Wakefield or something. What happened to 1bruce1? Does anyone remember? I’m worried for its well-being.
So, yeah, after being totally kick ass and nearly destroying his car (so maybe it’s good that it wasn’t 1bruce1?) to get to Lila, when he arrives at the house and calls for her, there is no answer. SHE’S KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS, BRUCE! LEAP SOMETHING ELSE! I’M SURE THAT’LL HELP! … Or at least I would enjoy it? Instead, Bruce calls 911 again. I was kind of shocked because in all the other Thrillers, no one ever calls 911. He yells that Lila isn’t answering him and he thinks she’s hurt. The operator is all “you think? We won’t come unless you’re sure.” Basically, the SVPD won’t stop crime, they just show up after it happens. And-oh my god, you guys, you might want to sit down for this-Bruce yells at her and tells her they better send someone RIGHT NOW because he is Bruce motherfucking Patman and Miss Lila Fowler might be hurt! This is obviously an INTERNATIONAL CRISIS.
And... an ambulance is sent! I’m kind of in love with Bruce right now, I’m not gonna lie.
Bruce can’t get into the house, because there is stuff blocking the door. So he breaks through a window and goes shouting for Lila. No answer. Then he looks down and sees he has blood on his shoes. “Nooo!” the two of us scream together. He tries to lift the armoire off of her, but it’s very heavy and he’s a Patman so he’s unused to manual labor. But he keeps trying, assuring the unconscious Lila that he will get her out of there. He tries to lift and cries. Tries some more. Cries some more. Eventually, he gets underneath it, and uses his shoulders to flip it backwards. The move destroys the armoire, but it gets Lila out!
Just then-you know, after all the hard work was done-the SV paramedics arrive. I wonder if they leaped the crack in the road too? Anyway, they tell Bruce that Lila’s pulse is “faint” and it “doesn’t look good.” What terrible beside manner these SV paramedics have. Shouldn’t they be more gentle with the obviously distraught significant other? Bruce is sad. He thinks, “Please don’t die, Lila. I need you.” Don’t we all!
At the hospital, Jessica blames Bruce for everything. She thinks if he had been at the mansion when he said he was going to be, Lila would be fine. She also thinks Bruce cares about no one but himself. Isn’t it funny how she loved him so in SVH when he was a douche and now that he’s leaping canyons for her best friend she hates him? Anyway, Jessica has to call the Fowlers who are not out of town for once. I was shocked by that too. It’s like this book is determined break all the rules of Sweet Valley Thrillers. Everyone is then told that Lila is in a coma.
Oh great, Bruce loves girls in a coma!
The four of them-Bruce, Jess, Grace and George-gather around Lila’s bedside until the nurses kick them out. Bruce apologizes for being late to the sleeping Lila and begs her to come back because he “can’t live without” her. Well, who can?
A man at the hospital sees Lila wheeled into intensive care. He’s immediately obsessed with her, as only psychos in Sweet Valley can be.
When Lila wakes up from her coma-thank god-she says she had a dream where an angel with blue eyes told her it wasn’t her time to go. She thinks she’s alive because of that angel. Everyone is like *nervous laughter* and George is all “You’re alive because I got you very good doctors. Heh.” Lila knows they think she’s crazy. Everyone leaves but Bruce. He promises to say with her, and she harshly asks where he was when she needed him. Obviously no one told her about the awesome leaping of canyons yet.
Of course, it turns out that there was no angel. Lila saw the psycho man (oh did I spoil it for you?), whose name is Porter Davis. He was in her hospital room all night, when he wasn’t supposed to be. And he talked to her-all night. He tells her that he’s in love with her.
A few days later, Lila asks her doctor if she can be released. The doctor still wants to run a few tests. She also says that she wants to make sure that Lila is psychologically okay. Apparently being squished in an earthquake can be traumatic. I was surprised to hear that the hospitals in Sweet Valley did more than cursory tests before releasing, say, people with brain swelling back into society. But then it turns out that Porter Davis is the one evaluating her mental state. So, false alarm, the SV medical professionals haven’t raised their standards. This is just a contrived plot point. I know you’re relieved.
Lila is having trouble adjusting after her near death experience. The way she thinks about death has changed a lot since when she heard Aunt Katherine died and now. She thinks her friends and family think she’s crazy (they kind of do) and they don’t understand (they definitely don’t). Lila seems to be the only character that ever suffers emotional fallout from Sweet Valley craziness. She also needed counseling after she was nearly raped. Another reason Lila is better than those fakey-fake twins. Anyway, Porter tells Lila a story about how he almost died when he was a kid and makes her believe that he’s the only one who understands her.
So when Bruce calls her later that day, she’s down on Bruce. She tells him not to come visit, and then just hangs up on him when he says he loves her. I am so frowny right now, I can’t even say. Porter encourages this behavior saying that people, in general and Bruce in particular, only think about themselves so they will always let you down. Lila is like, “that’s gloomy. Why have a relationship with anyone at all?” and Porter is like, “No, no you and I are special and perfect and shiny. We won’t let each other down. It’s just those other losers that aren’t worth your time.”
Then Lila is released from the hospital. Bruce is supposed to pick her up and he is on time but she gets out early and he goes around the back and she waits out front. So they miss each other. Lila ends up getting in a car with Porter. Porter drives a white Mustang. I feel like only bad people drive Mustangs in Sweet Valley. Can we fact check this assumption? Porter tells her he studied medicine at Harvard and Lila asks him if he knows her uncle, Chester Cage, a famous neurosurgeon and the late Aunt Katherine's late husband (more on this later). Porter is all "Nope never heard of the guy! *shiftyeyes*"
Porter tells Lila he can’t be her doctor anymore. Lila is all sadface until he says because it’s unethical to fall in love with a patient. They kiss. I gag.
Bruce finally finds Lila in her room. He apologizes for not being there but says he tried. He broke a window, searched all over, called an ambulance and lifted the armoire. Lila says he’s exaggerating his accomplishments (when he’s not even mentioned jumping the chasm!). She sends him away saying he’s full of himself and wasn’t there for her when she needed him. Later, she feels guilty for being harsh to Bruce but Porter assures her she did the right thing. They go to the beach and kiss. Porter says his dream is to live in a house over-looking the beach with her. That house just so happens to be Aunt Katherine’s house! Of course it is.
That night, Lila has a nightmare about the earthquake. She wakes up frightened and goes through her entire place and removes anything that could fall down during an earthquake. She calls Porter and tells him that she’s so scared of another earthquake. She asks if she can come stay with him but he says his place is too small. Then Lila asks, if he had a bigger place-say, a house near the beach-could they be together then?
Grace and George take Lila out to dinner. Lila wishes she were having dinner with Porter instead, and is kind of sullen and bitchy. They order champagne and toast Lila’s recovery and how wonderful she is. Grace tells Lila that they are going to cancel their trip to Europe because they want to stay with Lila after what happened. Lila says she won’t hear of it and wants them to go. I’m actually kind of relieved that the parents are going out of town now. Them being around threw me for a loop. This is the way things are supposed to be.
Next, Lila brings Porter to Aunt Katherine’s house. She intends to surprise him that she actually owns it (of course, you may have guessed by now that it’s not a surprise at all). She’s still scared of the house but Porter assures her that nothing will happen when he’s there. Biggest lie ever. He immediately starts going through Aunt Katherine’s things and saying how it must bum her out to be around a dead lady’s stuff. He also comments on Aunt Katherine's collection of silly aprons. Lila's like "She was a chef." (This will be important later.) He offers to put it all up in the attic and redecorate the whole place. He also claims the room with the phone line (why is there only one if Aunt Katherine was rich?) as his “study”.
Lila goes to Sigma house and collects her things from Bruce. He tries to convince her to give their relationship another go. She tells him she’s found someone else. Bruce is crushed, as you would be if you had just lost the love of Miss Lila Fowler. I mean, can you imagine a more terrible fate?
Porter arranges the house to his liking. Lila and he have separate rooms, which is weird for a "couple" but relieves me. Porter tells her that he has “confidential medical records” in his room so she shouldn’t go in there. This is the part where Lila should tell him it’s her fucking house and if he doesn’t want her to see something, he should keep it at the fucking hospital. But she doesn’t, she agrees. He then gives her a locket. He says it’s a family heirloom and the hinge is broken. The Lila Fowler I know would be like “Thanks for this broken necklace” but she loves it. Gag. They plan to go to a jewelry store and get it fixed.
Lila and Porter go shopping for new things for their place. Lila stops and buys a cookie press which reminds her of Aunt Katherine. Apparently she used to make cookies with Aunt Katherine? I call bullshit on that. If Lila had a nearby female role model why did we have so many "Woe Lila has no mother?" storylines in previous series? Why do I ask these questions when I know the answer is that no one cares about continuity? Anyway when she goes to pay, she notices the locket is gone. She freaks out and starts searching aisles of the store. Porter flips out at her flip out and tells her not to wander off. She’s like “What’s the big fucking deal?” And he’s all “You had a head trauma, I was worried something happened.” Then she tells him she lost the locket and he’s all “I knew it was too soon to lettake you out!” Lila does not know what the means but she feels bad for losing his family heirloom.
Bruce goes to the SVPD. He’s all, “Listen, Katherine Cage was murdered in that house. And now, Lila, the new owner is acting weird. Don’t you think these things are connected?” At first they won’t even let him talk to the detective on the case, but Bruce just walks right through the police station like he owns the place and finds the guy. Nice security they have there. I’m not sure if this is Bruce being awesome or the SVPD being fail. Maybe both. The detective is like “La! We have no suspects! Sorry your girlfriend dumped you but we don’t care! Bye now!”
The next morning, Porter wakes Lila up and says he has a surprise for her. He hired a housekeeper. Her name is Nancy. Lila is like, “Um? That lady is creepy.” Porter insists he’s hired Nancy for her, so she doesn’t have to work. Lila shows Nancy to the maids room. For some reason, Porter has decorated it exactly like Lila’s room. Nancy calls Lila “Lolita.” Lila clearly doesn’t like her.
Bruce actually ventures into the SVU library to do research on Katherine Cage’s murder. Liz happens by and helps him out with her “journalism skills” which, as far as I can tell, are just an ability to use Google search. They pull up articles about Katherine’s death. Katherine was killed in an apparent robbery. There was glass found all around her. There are also articles about the huge fucking diamond (herein described as “30 carats” which is nowhere near the world’s biggest diamond like the ghostwriter claims, but is still pretty fucking big. Apparently it was given to Katherine by her husband, Dr. Chester Cage of Boston, who died several years prior.
Lila tells Porter that she wants to invite the Thetas over to the house for a party. Porter freaks out and Lila is like “WTF? Who doesn't like parties?” Porter cries and says he doesn’t want to share her with anyone and is upset that she “forgot” about their plans. Lila doesn’t remember any plans. He says they are going to the ballet. Lila says she’s sure she would’ve remembered that, since she loves the ballet. Porter says head trauma can have lasting consequences, like how she’s always losing things (ie the locket). Porter is a doctor so now Lila thinks she’s having memory problems.
Porter won’t Lila go outside for a walk. I mean, he doesn’t forbid her or she’d be onto him. He just hints that it’s not a good idea for her to “strain” herself. So she decides to make cookies with her new cookie press instead. She finds a mysterious letter from someone named David Carrier in Aunt Katherine’s recipe book (funny, the recipe book was one of the things left to Grace, so why does Lila have it? I guess ghostwriters can’t even maintain the continuity of their own books). David Carrier was, like, her lover or something. Porter snatches the letter away from Lila and says she is “torturing” herself with memories of her aunt. Then he hints that her “condition” is worse than he’s letting on, but he doesn’t want to “scare” her. Basically, Porter’s got her thinking that she’s an invalid.
Meanwhile, Liz and Bruce find an article from The Boston Herald about how the famous medical duo of Chester Cage and David Carrier are parting ways, even though they had discovered some fancy way to remove brain tumors together. The article hints that Dr. Carrier is a “fan” of Dr. Cage’s wife, Katherine. Liz and Bruce have no idea what this means but Liz thinks it’s “something.”
Lila happily gets ready for her evening out at the ballet. She wants to look hot for Porter. But he shows up all pissy and says she took some pills from his study. Lila, understandably, says she didn’t take the pills and why would she take medicine when she didn’t know what it was? She suggests that creepy Nancy might’ve taken them. Nancy says she saw them in Lila’s room. They search the place and the pills are in Lila’s room where Nancy said they were. Lila now thinks she’s losing her mind. Porter says she’s obviously sicker than he thought. This means that he’s not going to let her leave the house ever againnot taking her to the ballet. Lila sobs. She was looking forward to it.
I have to say, since my grandmother had Alzheimer’s I’m really afraid of losing my memory. I think this is one of the meanest things you could do to someone, make them thing they’ve lost their mind. Well, killing their relatives isn’t very nice either. But I’m just saying. I feel bad for Lila.
That night, Porter leaves to go to the hospital. This causes Lila to cry and freak out. She hears noises upstairs and Nancy says she can't hear them. She doesn't want to be alone in the house.
Liz convinces Jessica that they ought to go visit Lila and see how she’s doing. (Don’t get me started on how unconcerned for Lila Jessica is in this book, it’s very out of character.) Anyway, Nancy has orders from Porter not to let anyone in to see Lila. At just this moment, Lila begins hearing noises in the attic again. She remembers hearing voices before the armoire fell on her and thinks it’s a warning to get out of the house. She rushes to Porter’s stupid study (because that’s where the phone is) and calls Jessica. But, of course, Jessica is not there. Lila hears Nancy arguing with someone (Jessica and Elizabeth) and goes to investigate. She asks Nancy who that was and Nancy lies and says it was a salesman.
Bruce goes to the Thetas and asks them for help with Lila. He says he’s worried about her. Surprisingly, the Thetas are too. They tell him what happened with Jessica and Elizabeth, and that Lila hasn’t been to any of her classes since the accident. He asks the Thetas to seat him near Lila at their upcoming gala, but just that moment Porter calls and says he and Lila are not attending.
Except no one told Lila that. She already bought her dress. The night of the gala she gets all dolled up and ready to go. Porter admits he told the Thetas she wasn’t coming, because she’s “so sick.” Luckily, Lila insists on going anyway, so Porter has to go get changed. He wears a white tuxedo and an ascot. I think someone should push him off a cliff just for that.
Luckily, Bruce feels the same way. He has to stop himself from punching Porter when he and Lila show up at the Theta Gala. Not because of the outfit, but because he thinks Lila looks pale and compares her to a candle that has been extinguished. Porter balks when he learns that Bruce is supposed to sit with them. He tells Bruce to go away. Bruce asks Lila what she wants. Lila says she doesn’t want to be in the middle of a fight. So Bruce leaves, but he whispers, “I miss you” to her before he departs.
Lila enjoys hanging out with her friends. Jessica also mentions that she and Liz stopped by but Nancy wouldn’t let them in. This causes Porter to briefly loose his cool. Lila turns and looks at Bruce a couple times. So Porter does what he does best, which is try to convince Lila she is insane. His watch mysteriously goes missing. And he grabs her handbag and the watch is in there. This is very sloppy. How would Lila have stolen his watch with everyone around, even if she couldn’t remember it? Wouldn’t someone have commented?
Anyway, Lila freaks out that it “happened again.” Bruce tries to run after them. Porter gives an excuse that Lila isn’t well and Bruce shouts, and I quote, “That’s bull! Lila was fine when she left the hospital! She’s only been with that guy for a few weeks and he’s turned her into a basket case!” That’s a fairly good recap of this book, Mr. Patman. Maybe you should join our community? It has your name in it!
Bruce finds Porter’s cufflink (which had come off earlier). He runs to the library to talk to Liz about how strange Lila’s been acting. Liz says he needs evidence. Then he produces the cufflink. It is engraved with the initials “D.C.” Bruce concludes that he is not really Porter Davis-he’s David Carrier! For once, Liz doesn’t try to explain it away and/or make it sound like Todd is responsible. The pair hop in Bruce’s Jeep (sobsob. I miss the Porsche) and drive off to Lila’s house.
Porter yells at Lila saying she “embarrassed” him. Um, hello? They were her friends. Then he stalks off angrily, saying he has rounds at the hospital. Lila doesn’t want to be left alone with the strange noises “in her head.” Porter is like “you are a crazy person.” But! When he leaves for “the hospital” he heads in the wrong direction, which Bruce and Liz see. He drives above the house, higher up the cliff. You see, he’s been going up, hiding his car, and then climbing back down into the attic of the house via the fire escape, looking for the diamond in Katherine’s old things. He’s the one making the noises that Lila hears.
PorterDavid remembers visiting Katherine before she died. She made him dinner and they talked about her former husband. Porter David claims he was the brilliant neurosurgeon that made those brilliant discoveries and Chester just took credit for his work. Katherine was like, “Eyeroll, you both worked together” which made him mad. PorterDavid hears Lila shriek when he makes noise. He thinks that she’s losing it and smiles, so he makes more noise.
You can’t see it but I’m glaring at him right now.
Bruce bangs on the door. Nancy answers and turns them away. Bruce tries to stick his foot in the door when Nancy shuts it on them, but it doesn’t work. He tells her he’s coming in whether she likes it or not. This is one occasion where I totally support breaking and entering. Liz wrings her hands and follows like a nervous, and useless puppy. Lila hears the commotion upstairs and rushes down. She sees Bruce but Nancy slams the door on him before they can say anything. Then Nancy stands in front of the door, so Lila can’t get out.
Lila rushes to a nearby window and watches the lights of Bruce’s (sobsob) Jeep turn on as he drives away. She thinks he’s leaving and freaks; she doesn’t want him to go. She can’t get the window open so she slams her fists through the glass-which is totally painful and rips the shit out of her arms.
The next day, Lila is all bandaged. It appears like Lila tried to kill herself, or at least that's Porter's story. Lila didn't mention Bruce. Porter says he’s going to “the hospital” again that night. Lila is like “don’t leave me here alone.” He acts like she’s such a burden on him. Someone should remind him that she’s letting him life for free in a fancy mansion. Not that he’s sane or anything, but it’s kind of ironic that he thinks she’s “draining him.” Blah.
We then learn that Bruce wanted to assault Nancy the previous evening and Liz held him back. WhatEVer. Bruce is good at assaulting women. You’ve gotta play to his strengths. And that means she’s responsible for Lila’s injuries! What a bitch! Liz claims she didn’t want to be arrested, but, like isn’t she arrested all the time? You’d think she’d be used to it by now.
Anyway, Bruce says Porter can’t really be in love with Lila or he wouldn’t be lying about his identity. Liz suggests maybe he was in love with Katherine, which is stupid. Bruce says no, he’s clearly after the diamond. He tried to bond with Katherine to get his hands on it but Chester Cage saw what was what and told PorterDavid to get lost. Then Chester died and PorterDavid showed up at Katherine’s house, with designs on the diamond. Liz says that can’t be it because the murderer took the diamond. Bruce is like, but what if she died but the murderer didn’t find it and now he thinks Lila might have it.
Bruce then thanks Liz for all her help, which is stupid because Bruce has done all the work and thinking. All Liz’s ideas were wrong. I just want to point that out. And did I mention I blame her for Lila’s injury? Fucking Liz, man.
Bruce gets in the Jeep (sobsob) and drives to Lila’s house. Lila sees that he’s there and sends Nancy to “make her tea” so she won’t know there is a visitor. Lila tells Bruce that she’s losing her mind. She says she keeps forgetting things and she hears noises. Bruce is like, “You mean those noises that I hear right now?” Lila is shocked that he can hear them too! She thought her aunt was haunting her!
Then Bruce goes to Porter’s study. At first Lila is like “Oh we’re not allowed to go in there” and it really pains me how timid she’s become, but Bruce says he can prove everything if he can just find Porter’s stuff. Porter’s desk is locked, but Bruce breaks it, which is like the millionth awesome thing he’s done this book. He tells Lila that Porter is really David Carrier and he wants Katherine’s diamond. Lila is like “Bwuh?”
Meanwhile, Porter is upstairs looking for the diamond. He remembers the night Katherine died. See, PorterDavid thinks Chester cheated him out of money by claiming their discoveries as his own. Then Chester bought Katherine that expensive diamond, so Porter believes that half of it belongs to him. He tried to convince Katherine to sell it and give him the money but-funny story-she didn’t go for it. Then she told him he’d never find the diamond because she’d hidden it, and that he better get out of her house. Porter got all pissed and said it was half his house so he lunged for her. Katherine hurled dishes at him. He tried to punch her but she ducked, and he hit the glass cabinet door (the glass around her body). He choked her and demanded she tell him where the diamond is. But she just glared at him “in defiance” until she died. Kind of bad ass! I told you Lila’s aunt must’ve been cool.
During this jaunt down memory lane, Porter reveals to the reader that-since it looks like Lila tried to kill herself-he plans on having her committed soon. He thinks that’ll get her out of his way. That’s a stupid plan because then George and Grace would get the house, right? Just imagine PorterDavid trying to convince George Fowler that he loved him!
Anyway, Porter finally finds the diamond. Katherine had a collection of silly aprons, right? Well she pinned it to one with rhinestones on it. Anyone would’ve thought it was fake, like the rest of the jewels on the apron. Porter didn’t see it until he found a photo of her wearing the apron. He is gleeful and decides tonight is Lila’s last night of freedom. She’s going to the loony bin tomorrow!
Bruce tries to convince Lila to leave with him, but she’s iffy about it. Eventually she tells him to leave and he is all sadface. But he doesn’t truly leave. He parks nearby and watches the house. Then he calls the cops. Apparently, before he drove to Lila’s he told them his suspicions. They believed him, which is a first, I think. Bruce was supposed to get Lila out of harm’s way, but he failed. There are several cars outside, waiting for PorterDavid’s Mustang to appear again, so they can arrest him. But, oddly, it doesn’t.
Upstairs, Lila hears the sound of breaking wood. She thinks it’s a ghost. But it’s Porter, come out of the attic with a “strange” smile on his face. Lila realizes that Bruce was right-he has been in the attic the whole time. He sees the lock on his desk is broken and accuses Lila. She says Bruce did it, but Nancy assures Porter that she’d never let anyone in the house. Bruce Patman wasn’t there at all, and Lila is just hallucinating again. Even so, Porter fires Nancy on the spot. She’s like “WTF? After all I did for you, jackass?”
Then Porter tells Lila she is insane. She’s going to spend the rest of her life in an asylum. She screams and he decides to kill her instead. Then chokes her, “just like her aunt.” Way to prove that she is insane, PorterDavid. You sure showed her!
Bruce and the cops are still waiting outside when Nancy comes running out, calling for help. The cops are like “Nah, we’re gonna keep sittin’ her waitin’ for that guy.” This is the kind of fine service I’ve come to expect from the SVPD. I mean, a woman has come running out of a house where they know a murderer is in the attic screaming for help and they’re like, “Let’s wait a bit. See what happens.” So, of course, Bruce goes in alone. Nancy tells him that Porter promised her easy money to go along with his scheme but she didn’t know he was fucking crazy and/or that Lila was going to get hurt. Bruce asks where Lila is and Nancy says upstairs.
Bruce runs up the stairs and finds Lila, apparently, dead and her murderer standing over her. Bruce takes Lila in his arms, kisses her and tells her he loves her, which is sweet but an odd thing to do before you make sure said murderer is secured. PorterDavid watches this and thinks it’s “melodramatic” and “pathetic.” But he doesn’t brain Bruce with something heavy while he’s distracted, which would’ve been my choice at this juncture. I guess I’ll never be a psychotic diamond obsessed neurosurgeon. I’ll cross that one of my list of potential careers.
Instead, PorterDavid runs back to the attic, and tries to flee out the fire escape. Bruce comes up behind him and grabs him all, “Where do you think you’re going?” The two proceed to wail on each other and make quips. PorterDavid has the power of crazy on his side so he gets the upper hand. He nearly pushes Bruce out the window, but just then Lila wakes up. She runs upstairs to the attic, grabs one of her Aunt’s rolling pins and beats PorterDavid over the head with it. HELL YEAH!
Naturally the SVPD do not come into the house during all the screaming and punching. They’re probably sitting outside, eating doughnuts or whatever cops do. Bruce ties PorterDavid up, and he’s like “I guess I better go fetch the police now that we’ve subdued and secured their suspect for them.” Lila asks for three minutes alone with PorterDavid. At first Bruce is incredulous, but eventually he agrees to let Lila have her wicked way with him.
PorterDavid is dumb. He asks Lila to untie him. She’s all “Um, sorry I’m insane.” PorterDavid makes up some story about it being a neurological test to see how someone responds to “such a statement.” He tells her to get a knife out of a drawer. Lila opens it. Inside she finds the locket he gave her. Lila is all “La! And here I thought I lost it!” PorterDavid says that was a great day, right? If she’d only untie him, then they could have more days like that! “Do you know what I’m hoping for?” Lila asks. PorterDavid, being dumb as I said before, walks right into it. What? “I hope you spend the rest of your miserable life rotting in a prison cell,” she says and she throws the necklace in his face.
Then Bruce and Lila are back together and all is right with the world! Lila thanks Nancy for calling for help when she was nearly dead, but she also mutters under her breath, “But don’t call for a reference.” Ha! I love Lila so much! Glad the bitch is back!
Liz is still with Tom Watts in this book. They make out in that annoying way Liz always does with her longtime boyfriends. Then Liz goes back up to her room and wonders why Jess isn’t around. Gee, Liz, why wouldn’t she want to watch you smooch Tom? She goes from complaining that Jess is never around to thinking Jess’s side of the room is way too messy in just a few short sentences. Again, why wouldn’t Jessica want to hang around with Liz?
FUN FACT: Liz’s favorite pajamas are “cream-colored with little brown puppies all over them.” It’s not cool but mock other people’s PJs, but you know she loves them in a totally un-ironic way.
Jessica and a bunch of guys show up as Liz is drifting off to sleep in her beloved PJs. They sit on the floor and play cards. Liz is like “What the hell are you doing?” I’m totally on Liz’s side for once. You cannot interrupt people’s sleep. Ever. It should be a law. No! It should be a commandment. She makes the boys leave, and Jessica pouts.
The next day, Elizabeth posts a “List of Rules for Room 28.” While I do not support Jessica’s previous behavior it’s more than a little condescending for Liz to write a list of rules for their shared room without Jessica’s input. She’d be so horrible to live with (and I kind of miss Celine messing with her). Liz wants Jessica to take this “more seriously” and Jessica wants Liz to “lighten up.” Ah, the eternal struggle between the twins.
Elizabeth is making out with Tom in her dorm when an earthquake hits. Now even god is cock-blocking Tom.
The ace reporters race out to get footage of the damage. They discover that the building that Tom and Danny live is no longer livable. The earthquake ruptured water pipes and the whole place is soaked. Now Danny and Tom need to find a new place. You’d think University Housing would set these kids up with something, but, oh right, this is Sweet Valley. (Later, Tom and Danny have to break in to their own room just so they can have clothes. Everything is wet and nothing is being done about it. Way to fail, SVU. )
Instead, Liz offers to let Tom stay with her. Except-aha-that is breaking one of Miss Priss’s “rules” for living in the dorm. No boys overnight. Liz, ever the hypocrite, thinks that Jessica will probably be staying at the hospital with Lila so she’ll never know!
Jessica stays at the hospital until 4 am, when Grace tells her that Lila is out of the coma. She then returns home and finds Tom sleeping in her bed. She tosses him on the ground and claims the bed for herself, too tired from worrying about her best friend’s life to call Liz on her hypocrisy. Hee.
But the next day she let’s Liz have it. Tom has all kinds of video equipment for the station. Jessica says it’s in the way and threatens to throw it all out. She demands Tom leave-she doesn’t care that he has no place to go. Liz calls her selfish. Jessica brandishes the rules.
Jessica then writes her own version of the rules, a snarky twist on Liz’s rules (#4 is “Have a nice day”). Tom comes in with a bunch of wet crap that needs to dry out and she tells him to get lost. Tom insists that he has nowhere else to go and he’s staying. Battle lines are drawn. Now, you might say that Jessica is being insensitive and she is. Tom just lost, like, most of his possessions and has no home. But it’s also really annoying having an extra person in a tiny dorm room. This is why the university should’ve provided housing for the displaced.
Tom and Jessica fight. Liz is caught in the middle. Blah blah blah. Get back to Lila already. Eventually Liz decides she’ll help Tom look for another place to stay, because Jessica clearly isn’t going to be placated until he’s gone. He tries sleeping at the WSVU station but apparently they turn off the heat at night. I wouldn’t think that’d be much of a problem in southern California, but whatever. He can’t stay there. He ends up sleeping in the hallway outside Liz’s room.
Liz takes pity on him and lets him sleep on her couch again. Jessica is pissed. She puts something (hair gel?) in Tom’s toothpaste. Because she is five. She thinks he’s “dense” to fall for that old trick. She is not wrong. But then she proceeds to fall for one of his. He puts green dye in her shampoo, turning her sun-kissed blonde hair green! Oh noes! Tom, it turns out, is also five.
They spend most of the book playing pranks on one another, but I could really give a shit, you know? Because Lila is in danger. I don’t care if Jessica’s hair is green. Jesus.
Anyway, then Jessica starts being nice to Tom and it freaks him out. He becomes afraid that she wants him. It’s actually kind of boring. When Jessica comes back from the Theta Gala, she kisses Tom who was sleeping. As soon as he opens his eyes, he realizes it’s not Elizabeth he’s kissing and is like “WTF is wrong with you!” Jessica continues to come on to him.
Jessica isn’t actually interested in Tom, which is a change from how she normally reacts to Liz’s boyfriends. She’s just messing with him to make him so uncomfortable he will leave the dorm. But eventually Tom and Danny get their place cleaned up and the whole thing pretty much comes to nothing. It was just an annoying interruption to important Lila action.
I bought this online for two reasons. First, and most importantly, it has Lila on the cover and, secondly, it’s a thriller edition. Thriller editions are always amazing. Apparently, this one involves an earthquake in Sweet Valley. I hope Lila doesn’t get squished by a fridge!
The book opens at the reading of Lila’s aunt’s will. I didn’t know Lila had an aunt, so I can’t be too broken up about her death. Still, I bet she was awesome. The aunt, Katherine, was Lila’s mother’s sister. She has left three things to Grace Fowler:
1. Their father’s pocket watch
2. A diary of recipes (Katherine was a chef)
3. A tear-drop shaped diamond that was one of the largest in the world
But-psych!-there is no diamond. The lawyer, belatedly I think, tells Grace it was among the items stolen when Katherine was murdered. That information should’ve been given up front. I mean Grace should’ve known about the diamond and I should’ve known Lila’s awesome aunt was murdered. Lila thinks (and I quote) “Who would kill a wonderful person for a stupid diamond?” I don’t know if that is in character for her (she would love a huge diamond! She’d bring it to show-and-tell in SVK! Beat a huge diamond, Jessica!), but I like it.
The rest of Katherine’s estate? She left it to Lila. See, I told you she was awesome. Lila doesn’t want the house, she says, she can’t live somewhere her aunt was murdered. She doesn’t even want to go there ever again.
The next day, Lila is still upset about getting the house. Over breakfast, Bruce reminds her that her aunt gave it to her because (before it became the scene of a horrific crime), Lila loved the house and would’ve wanted it. He volunteers to go with her to see the house to “confront her fear.” Lila says she feels like the murderer is still there (how right she is), but Bruce assures her that he won’t let anything happen to her. I’d like to stop here and point out, while I applaud (and am mystified by) Bruce being a supportive boyfriend here, that if he had just let Lila go with her “never go there” instinct then my dear Lila would’ve been saved a lot of grief.
Way to go, Bruce. Even when you don’t try to fuck a girl over, you still somehow manage to pull it off.
Later, Lila drives up to the house by herself. Bruce is supposed to meet her there. But before he shows she gets a creepy feeling that she is being watched, and when she picks up her cell phone to call Bruce it is knocked out of her hand, down the cliff and into the ocean. This is the part where I explain that Aunt Katherine’s house was built on a jagged cliff with a precarious drop directly into the Pacific Ocean. Of course it was.
The reason Bruce is late is because football practice ran over. This is a piss poor excuse since, well, Bruce doesn’t play football. He plays tennis. Does anyone read these books? Anyway, he then comes upon an old woman with a flat tire. I’m relieved that Bruce at least thinks about leaving her there, because that is the Bruce Patman I know. But he can’t get out of it, so he offers help.
While Bruce is otherwise engaged, Lila stands outside of the house and fumes. Then she starts to think she hears voices. One in particular sounds like her Aunt Katherine. The voice tells her to come inside, and without realizing it, Lila enters the house even though she’s afraid. The voice says it is in the attic, so Lila climbs the stairs. But when she reaches the attic, she’s too scared to go inside. Then the whole house begins to shake. At first, Lila thinks her aunt is mad at her, until she realizes it’s just an earthquake. You know the situation is bad when “Oh it’s just an earthquake” is an option.
Then Lila is knocked unconscious by a falling armoire. Good thing there wasn’t a fridge nearby! But, still, apparently getting crushed by falling furniture is one of the number one causes of injury in Sweet Valley.
Fortunately, the old lady allows Bruce to go check on his girlfriend once the earthquake hits. Unfortunately, there is now a huge, gaping crack in the road to Aunt Katherine’s house. I’m picturing the Grand Canyon. Bruce can’t drive across. He calls 911 and they totally blow him off and say they have a lot to deal with. Hello! Giant hole in the road? Don’t you want to rope that off or something? No, the operator hangs up on him before he can get much out.
So Bruce does something kind of awesome? Remember how Tom jumped that pit to save Liz? Bruce one ups him. He gets in his car and jumps the crack in the road, Evel Knievel-style. My only sadness with this truly awesome scene is that Bruce is no longer driving 1bruce1. I know, I know, it hurt me to. For some reason, he’s in a Jeep-like he wants to be a Wakefield or something. What happened to 1bruce1? Does anyone remember? I’m worried for its well-being.
So, yeah, after being totally kick ass and nearly destroying his car (so maybe it’s good that it wasn’t 1bruce1?) to get to Lila, when he arrives at the house and calls for her, there is no answer. SHE’S KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS, BRUCE! LEAP SOMETHING ELSE! I’M SURE THAT’LL HELP! … Or at least I would enjoy it? Instead, Bruce calls 911 again. I was kind of shocked because in all the other Thrillers, no one ever calls 911. He yells that Lila isn’t answering him and he thinks she’s hurt. The operator is all “you think? We won’t come unless you’re sure.” Basically, the SVPD won’t stop crime, they just show up after it happens. And-oh my god, you guys, you might want to sit down for this-Bruce yells at her and tells her they better send someone RIGHT NOW because he is Bruce motherfucking Patman and Miss Lila Fowler might be hurt! This is obviously an INTERNATIONAL CRISIS.
And... an ambulance is sent! I’m kind of in love with Bruce right now, I’m not gonna lie.
Bruce can’t get into the house, because there is stuff blocking the door. So he breaks through a window and goes shouting for Lila. No answer. Then he looks down and sees he has blood on his shoes. “Nooo!” the two of us scream together. He tries to lift the armoire off of her, but it’s very heavy and he’s a Patman so he’s unused to manual labor. But he keeps trying, assuring the unconscious Lila that he will get her out of there. He tries to lift and cries. Tries some more. Cries some more. Eventually, he gets underneath it, and uses his shoulders to flip it backwards. The move destroys the armoire, but it gets Lila out!
Just then-you know, after all the hard work was done-the SV paramedics arrive. I wonder if they leaped the crack in the road too? Anyway, they tell Bruce that Lila’s pulse is “faint” and it “doesn’t look good.” What terrible beside manner these SV paramedics have. Shouldn’t they be more gentle with the obviously distraught significant other? Bruce is sad. He thinks, “Please don’t die, Lila. I need you.” Don’t we all!
At the hospital, Jessica blames Bruce for everything. She thinks if he had been at the mansion when he said he was going to be, Lila would be fine. She also thinks Bruce cares about no one but himself. Isn’t it funny how she loved him so in SVH when he was a douche and now that he’s leaping canyons for her best friend she hates him? Anyway, Jessica has to call the Fowlers who are not out of town for once. I was shocked by that too. It’s like this book is determined break all the rules of Sweet Valley Thrillers. Everyone is then told that Lila is in a coma.
Oh great, Bruce loves girls in a coma!
The four of them-Bruce, Jess, Grace and George-gather around Lila’s bedside until the nurses kick them out. Bruce apologizes for being late to the sleeping Lila and begs her to come back because he “can’t live without” her. Well, who can?
A man at the hospital sees Lila wheeled into intensive care. He’s immediately obsessed with her, as only psychos in Sweet Valley can be.
When Lila wakes up from her coma-thank god-she says she had a dream where an angel with blue eyes told her it wasn’t her time to go. She thinks she’s alive because of that angel. Everyone is like *nervous laughter* and George is all “You’re alive because I got you very good doctors. Heh.” Lila knows they think she’s crazy. Everyone leaves but Bruce. He promises to say with her, and she harshly asks where he was when she needed him. Obviously no one told her about the awesome leaping of canyons yet.
Of course, it turns out that there was no angel. Lila saw the psycho man (oh did I spoil it for you?), whose name is Porter Davis. He was in her hospital room all night, when he wasn’t supposed to be. And he talked to her-all night. He tells her that he’s in love with her.
A few days later, Lila asks her doctor if she can be released. The doctor still wants to run a few tests. She also says that she wants to make sure that Lila is psychologically okay. Apparently being squished in an earthquake can be traumatic. I was surprised to hear that the hospitals in Sweet Valley did more than cursory tests before releasing, say, people with brain swelling back into society. But then it turns out that Porter Davis is the one evaluating her mental state. So, false alarm, the SV medical professionals haven’t raised their standards. This is just a contrived plot point. I know you’re relieved.
Lila is having trouble adjusting after her near death experience. The way she thinks about death has changed a lot since when she heard Aunt Katherine died and now. She thinks her friends and family think she’s crazy (they kind of do) and they don’t understand (they definitely don’t). Lila seems to be the only character that ever suffers emotional fallout from Sweet Valley craziness. She also needed counseling after she was nearly raped. Another reason Lila is better than those fakey-fake twins. Anyway, Porter tells Lila a story about how he almost died when he was a kid and makes her believe that he’s the only one who understands her.
So when Bruce calls her later that day, she’s down on Bruce. She tells him not to come visit, and then just hangs up on him when he says he loves her. I am so frowny right now, I can’t even say. Porter encourages this behavior saying that people, in general and Bruce in particular, only think about themselves so they will always let you down. Lila is like, “that’s gloomy. Why have a relationship with anyone at all?” and Porter is like, “No, no you and I are special and perfect and shiny. We won’t let each other down. It’s just those other losers that aren’t worth your time.”
Then Lila is released from the hospital. Bruce is supposed to pick her up and he is on time but she gets out early and he goes around the back and she waits out front. So they miss each other. Lila ends up getting in a car with Porter. Porter drives a white Mustang. I feel like only bad people drive Mustangs in Sweet Valley. Can we fact check this assumption? Porter tells her he studied medicine at Harvard and Lila asks him if he knows her uncle, Chester Cage, a famous neurosurgeon and the late Aunt Katherine's late husband (more on this later). Porter is all "Nope never heard of the guy! *shiftyeyes*"
Porter tells Lila he can’t be her doctor anymore. Lila is all sadface until he says because it’s unethical to fall in love with a patient. They kiss. I gag.
Bruce finally finds Lila in her room. He apologizes for not being there but says he tried. He broke a window, searched all over, called an ambulance and lifted the armoire. Lila says he’s exaggerating his accomplishments (when he’s not even mentioned jumping the chasm!). She sends him away saying he’s full of himself and wasn’t there for her when she needed him. Later, she feels guilty for being harsh to Bruce but Porter assures her she did the right thing. They go to the beach and kiss. Porter says his dream is to live in a house over-looking the beach with her. That house just so happens to be Aunt Katherine’s house! Of course it is.
That night, Lila has a nightmare about the earthquake. She wakes up frightened and goes through her entire place and removes anything that could fall down during an earthquake. She calls Porter and tells him that she’s so scared of another earthquake. She asks if she can come stay with him but he says his place is too small. Then Lila asks, if he had a bigger place-say, a house near the beach-could they be together then?
Grace and George take Lila out to dinner. Lila wishes she were having dinner with Porter instead, and is kind of sullen and bitchy. They order champagne and toast Lila’s recovery and how wonderful she is. Grace tells Lila that they are going to cancel their trip to Europe because they want to stay with Lila after what happened. Lila says she won’t hear of it and wants them to go. I’m actually kind of relieved that the parents are going out of town now. Them being around threw me for a loop. This is the way things are supposed to be.
Next, Lila brings Porter to Aunt Katherine’s house. She intends to surprise him that she actually owns it (of course, you may have guessed by now that it’s not a surprise at all). She’s still scared of the house but Porter assures her that nothing will happen when he’s there. Biggest lie ever. He immediately starts going through Aunt Katherine’s things and saying how it must bum her out to be around a dead lady’s stuff. He also comments on Aunt Katherine's collection of silly aprons. Lila's like "She was a chef." (This will be important later.) He offers to put it all up in the attic and redecorate the whole place. He also claims the room with the phone line (why is there only one if Aunt Katherine was rich?) as his “study”.
Lila goes to Sigma house and collects her things from Bruce. He tries to convince her to give their relationship another go. She tells him she’s found someone else. Bruce is crushed, as you would be if you had just lost the love of Miss Lila Fowler. I mean, can you imagine a more terrible fate?
Porter arranges the house to his liking. Lila and he have separate rooms, which is weird for a "couple" but relieves me. Porter tells her that he has “confidential medical records” in his room so she shouldn’t go in there. This is the part where Lila should tell him it’s her fucking house and if he doesn’t want her to see something, he should keep it at the fucking hospital. But she doesn’t, she agrees. He then gives her a locket. He says it’s a family heirloom and the hinge is broken. The Lila Fowler I know would be like “Thanks for this broken necklace” but she loves it. Gag. They plan to go to a jewelry store and get it fixed.
Lila and Porter go shopping for new things for their place. Lila stops and buys a cookie press which reminds her of Aunt Katherine. Apparently she used to make cookies with Aunt Katherine? I call bullshit on that. If Lila had a nearby female role model why did we have so many "Woe Lila has no mother?" storylines in previous series? Why do I ask these questions when I know the answer is that no one cares about continuity? Anyway when she goes to pay, she notices the locket is gone. She freaks out and starts searching aisles of the store. Porter flips out at her flip out and tells her not to wander off. She’s like “What’s the big fucking deal?” And he’s all “You had a head trauma, I was worried something happened.” Then she tells him she lost the locket and he’s all “I knew it was too soon to lettake you out!” Lila does not know what the means but she feels bad for losing his family heirloom.
Bruce goes to the SVPD. He’s all, “Listen, Katherine Cage was murdered in that house. And now, Lila, the new owner is acting weird. Don’t you think these things are connected?” At first they won’t even let him talk to the detective on the case, but Bruce just walks right through the police station like he owns the place and finds the guy. Nice security they have there. I’m not sure if this is Bruce being awesome or the SVPD being fail. Maybe both. The detective is like “La! We have no suspects! Sorry your girlfriend dumped you but we don’t care! Bye now!”
The next morning, Porter wakes Lila up and says he has a surprise for her. He hired a housekeeper. Her name is Nancy. Lila is like, “Um? That lady is creepy.” Porter insists he’s hired Nancy for her, so she doesn’t have to work. Lila shows Nancy to the maids room. For some reason, Porter has decorated it exactly like Lila’s room. Nancy calls Lila “Lolita.” Lila clearly doesn’t like her.
Bruce actually ventures into the SVU library to do research on Katherine Cage’s murder. Liz happens by and helps him out with her “journalism skills” which, as far as I can tell, are just an ability to use Google search. They pull up articles about Katherine’s death. Katherine was killed in an apparent robbery. There was glass found all around her. There are also articles about the huge fucking diamond (herein described as “30 carats” which is nowhere near the world’s biggest diamond like the ghostwriter claims, but is still pretty fucking big. Apparently it was given to Katherine by her husband, Dr. Chester Cage of Boston, who died several years prior.
Lila tells Porter that she wants to invite the Thetas over to the house for a party. Porter freaks out and Lila is like “WTF? Who doesn't like parties?” Porter cries and says he doesn’t want to share her with anyone and is upset that she “forgot” about their plans. Lila doesn’t remember any plans. He says they are going to the ballet. Lila says she’s sure she would’ve remembered that, since she loves the ballet. Porter says head trauma can have lasting consequences, like how she’s always losing things (ie the locket). Porter is a doctor so now Lila thinks she’s having memory problems.
Porter won’t Lila go outside for a walk. I mean, he doesn’t forbid her or she’d be onto him. He just hints that it’s not a good idea for her to “strain” herself. So she decides to make cookies with her new cookie press instead. She finds a mysterious letter from someone named David Carrier in Aunt Katherine’s recipe book (funny, the recipe book was one of the things left to Grace, so why does Lila have it? I guess ghostwriters can’t even maintain the continuity of their own books). David Carrier was, like, her lover or something. Porter snatches the letter away from Lila and says she is “torturing” herself with memories of her aunt. Then he hints that her “condition” is worse than he’s letting on, but he doesn’t want to “scare” her. Basically, Porter’s got her thinking that she’s an invalid.
Meanwhile, Liz and Bruce find an article from The Boston Herald about how the famous medical duo of Chester Cage and David Carrier are parting ways, even though they had discovered some fancy way to remove brain tumors together. The article hints that Dr. Carrier is a “fan” of Dr. Cage’s wife, Katherine. Liz and Bruce have no idea what this means but Liz thinks it’s “something.”
Lila happily gets ready for her evening out at the ballet. She wants to look hot for Porter. But he shows up all pissy and says she took some pills from his study. Lila, understandably, says she didn’t take the pills and why would she take medicine when she didn’t know what it was? She suggests that creepy Nancy might’ve taken them. Nancy says she saw them in Lila’s room. They search the place and the pills are in Lila’s room where Nancy said they were. Lila now thinks she’s losing her mind. Porter says she’s obviously sicker than he thought. This means that he’s not going to let her leave the house ever againnot taking her to the ballet. Lila sobs. She was looking forward to it.
I have to say, since my grandmother had Alzheimer’s I’m really afraid of losing my memory. I think this is one of the meanest things you could do to someone, make them thing they’ve lost their mind. Well, killing their relatives isn’t very nice either. But I’m just saying. I feel bad for Lila.
That night, Porter leaves to go to the hospital. This causes Lila to cry and freak out. She hears noises upstairs and Nancy says she can't hear them. She doesn't want to be alone in the house.
Liz convinces Jessica that they ought to go visit Lila and see how she’s doing. (Don’t get me started on how unconcerned for Lila Jessica is in this book, it’s very out of character.) Anyway, Nancy has orders from Porter not to let anyone in to see Lila. At just this moment, Lila begins hearing noises in the attic again. She remembers hearing voices before the armoire fell on her and thinks it’s a warning to get out of the house. She rushes to Porter’s stupid study (because that’s where the phone is) and calls Jessica. But, of course, Jessica is not there. Lila hears Nancy arguing with someone (Jessica and Elizabeth) and goes to investigate. She asks Nancy who that was and Nancy lies and says it was a salesman.
Bruce goes to the Thetas and asks them for help with Lila. He says he’s worried about her. Surprisingly, the Thetas are too. They tell him what happened with Jessica and Elizabeth, and that Lila hasn’t been to any of her classes since the accident. He asks the Thetas to seat him near Lila at their upcoming gala, but just that moment Porter calls and says he and Lila are not attending.
Except no one told Lila that. She already bought her dress. The night of the gala she gets all dolled up and ready to go. Porter admits he told the Thetas she wasn’t coming, because she’s “so sick.” Luckily, Lila insists on going anyway, so Porter has to go get changed. He wears a white tuxedo and an ascot. I think someone should push him off a cliff just for that.
Luckily, Bruce feels the same way. He has to stop himself from punching Porter when he and Lila show up at the Theta Gala. Not because of the outfit, but because he thinks Lila looks pale and compares her to a candle that has been extinguished. Porter balks when he learns that Bruce is supposed to sit with them. He tells Bruce to go away. Bruce asks Lila what she wants. Lila says she doesn’t want to be in the middle of a fight. So Bruce leaves, but he whispers, “I miss you” to her before he departs.
Lila enjoys hanging out with her friends. Jessica also mentions that she and Liz stopped by but Nancy wouldn’t let them in. This causes Porter to briefly loose his cool. Lila turns and looks at Bruce a couple times. So Porter does what he does best, which is try to convince Lila she is insane. His watch mysteriously goes missing. And he grabs her handbag and the watch is in there. This is very sloppy. How would Lila have stolen his watch with everyone around, even if she couldn’t remember it? Wouldn’t someone have commented?
Anyway, Lila freaks out that it “happened again.” Bruce tries to run after them. Porter gives an excuse that Lila isn’t well and Bruce shouts, and I quote, “That’s bull! Lila was fine when she left the hospital! She’s only been with that guy for a few weeks and he’s turned her into a basket case!” That’s a fairly good recap of this book, Mr. Patman. Maybe you should join our community? It has your name in it!
Bruce finds Porter’s cufflink (which had come off earlier). He runs to the library to talk to Liz about how strange Lila’s been acting. Liz says he needs evidence. Then he produces the cufflink. It is engraved with the initials “D.C.” Bruce concludes that he is not really Porter Davis-he’s David Carrier! For once, Liz doesn’t try to explain it away and/or make it sound like Todd is responsible. The pair hop in Bruce’s Jeep (sobsob. I miss the Porsche) and drive off to Lila’s house.
Porter yells at Lila saying she “embarrassed” him. Um, hello? They were her friends. Then he stalks off angrily, saying he has rounds at the hospital. Lila doesn’t want to be left alone with the strange noises “in her head.” Porter is like “you are a crazy person.” But! When he leaves for “the hospital” he heads in the wrong direction, which Bruce and Liz see. He drives above the house, higher up the cliff. You see, he’s been going up, hiding his car, and then climbing back down into the attic of the house via the fire escape, looking for the diamond in Katherine’s old things. He’s the one making the noises that Lila hears.
PorterDavid remembers visiting Katherine before she died. She made him dinner and they talked about her former husband. Porter David claims he was the brilliant neurosurgeon that made those brilliant discoveries and Chester just took credit for his work. Katherine was like, “Eyeroll, you both worked together” which made him mad. PorterDavid hears Lila shriek when he makes noise. He thinks that she’s losing it and smiles, so he makes more noise.
You can’t see it but I’m glaring at him right now.
Bruce bangs on the door. Nancy answers and turns them away. Bruce tries to stick his foot in the door when Nancy shuts it on them, but it doesn’t work. He tells her he’s coming in whether she likes it or not. This is one occasion where I totally support breaking and entering. Liz wrings her hands and follows like a nervous, and useless puppy. Lila hears the commotion upstairs and rushes down. She sees Bruce but Nancy slams the door on him before they can say anything. Then Nancy stands in front of the door, so Lila can’t get out.
Lila rushes to a nearby window and watches the lights of Bruce’s (sobsob) Jeep turn on as he drives away. She thinks he’s leaving and freaks; she doesn’t want him to go. She can’t get the window open so she slams her fists through the glass-which is totally painful and rips the shit out of her arms.
The next day, Lila is all bandaged. It appears like Lila tried to kill herself, or at least that's Porter's story. Lila didn't mention Bruce. Porter says he’s going to “the hospital” again that night. Lila is like “don’t leave me here alone.” He acts like she’s such a burden on him. Someone should remind him that she’s letting him life for free in a fancy mansion. Not that he’s sane or anything, but it’s kind of ironic that he thinks she’s “draining him.” Blah.
We then learn that Bruce wanted to assault Nancy the previous evening and Liz held him back. WhatEVer. Bruce is good at assaulting women. You’ve gotta play to his strengths. And that means she’s responsible for Lila’s injuries! What a bitch! Liz claims she didn’t want to be arrested, but, like isn’t she arrested all the time? You’d think she’d be used to it by now.
Anyway, Bruce says Porter can’t really be in love with Lila or he wouldn’t be lying about his identity. Liz suggests maybe he was in love with Katherine, which is stupid. Bruce says no, he’s clearly after the diamond. He tried to bond with Katherine to get his hands on it but Chester Cage saw what was what and told PorterDavid to get lost. Then Chester died and PorterDavid showed up at Katherine’s house, with designs on the diamond. Liz says that can’t be it because the murderer took the diamond. Bruce is like, but what if she died but the murderer didn’t find it and now he thinks Lila might have it.
Bruce then thanks Liz for all her help, which is stupid because Bruce has done all the work and thinking. All Liz’s ideas were wrong. I just want to point that out. And did I mention I blame her for Lila’s injury? Fucking Liz, man.
Bruce gets in the Jeep (sobsob) and drives to Lila’s house. Lila sees that he’s there and sends Nancy to “make her tea” so she won’t know there is a visitor. Lila tells Bruce that she’s losing her mind. She says she keeps forgetting things and she hears noises. Bruce is like, “You mean those noises that I hear right now?” Lila is shocked that he can hear them too! She thought her aunt was haunting her!
Then Bruce goes to Porter’s study. At first Lila is like “Oh we’re not allowed to go in there” and it really pains me how timid she’s become, but Bruce says he can prove everything if he can just find Porter’s stuff. Porter’s desk is locked, but Bruce breaks it, which is like the millionth awesome thing he’s done this book. He tells Lila that Porter is really David Carrier and he wants Katherine’s diamond. Lila is like “Bwuh?”
Meanwhile, Porter is upstairs looking for the diamond. He remembers the night Katherine died. See, PorterDavid thinks Chester cheated him out of money by claiming their discoveries as his own. Then Chester bought Katherine that expensive diamond, so Porter believes that half of it belongs to him. He tried to convince Katherine to sell it and give him the money but-funny story-she didn’t go for it. Then she told him he’d never find the diamond because she’d hidden it, and that he better get out of her house. Porter got all pissed and said it was half his house so he lunged for her. Katherine hurled dishes at him. He tried to punch her but she ducked, and he hit the glass cabinet door (the glass around her body). He choked her and demanded she tell him where the diamond is. But she just glared at him “in defiance” until she died. Kind of bad ass! I told you Lila’s aunt must’ve been cool.
During this jaunt down memory lane, Porter reveals to the reader that-since it looks like Lila tried to kill herself-he plans on having her committed soon. He thinks that’ll get her out of his way. That’s a stupid plan because then George and Grace would get the house, right? Just imagine PorterDavid trying to convince George Fowler that he loved him!
Anyway, Porter finally finds the diamond. Katherine had a collection of silly aprons, right? Well she pinned it to one with rhinestones on it. Anyone would’ve thought it was fake, like the rest of the jewels on the apron. Porter didn’t see it until he found a photo of her wearing the apron. He is gleeful and decides tonight is Lila’s last night of freedom. She’s going to the loony bin tomorrow!
Bruce tries to convince Lila to leave with him, but she’s iffy about it. Eventually she tells him to leave and he is all sadface. But he doesn’t truly leave. He parks nearby and watches the house. Then he calls the cops. Apparently, before he drove to Lila’s he told them his suspicions. They believed him, which is a first, I think. Bruce was supposed to get Lila out of harm’s way, but he failed. There are several cars outside, waiting for PorterDavid’s Mustang to appear again, so they can arrest him. But, oddly, it doesn’t.
Upstairs, Lila hears the sound of breaking wood. She thinks it’s a ghost. But it’s Porter, come out of the attic with a “strange” smile on his face. Lila realizes that Bruce was right-he has been in the attic the whole time. He sees the lock on his desk is broken and accuses Lila. She says Bruce did it, but Nancy assures Porter that she’d never let anyone in the house. Bruce Patman wasn’t there at all, and Lila is just hallucinating again. Even so, Porter fires Nancy on the spot. She’s like “WTF? After all I did for you, jackass?”
Then Porter tells Lila she is insane. She’s going to spend the rest of her life in an asylum. She screams and he decides to kill her instead. Then chokes her, “just like her aunt.” Way to prove that she is insane, PorterDavid. You sure showed her!
Bruce and the cops are still waiting outside when Nancy comes running out, calling for help. The cops are like “Nah, we’re gonna keep sittin’ her waitin’ for that guy.” This is the kind of fine service I’ve come to expect from the SVPD. I mean, a woman has come running out of a house where they know a murderer is in the attic screaming for help and they’re like, “Let’s wait a bit. See what happens.” So, of course, Bruce goes in alone. Nancy tells him that Porter promised her easy money to go along with his scheme but she didn’t know he was fucking crazy and/or that Lila was going to get hurt. Bruce asks where Lila is and Nancy says upstairs.
Bruce runs up the stairs and finds Lila, apparently, dead and her murderer standing over her. Bruce takes Lila in his arms, kisses her and tells her he loves her, which is sweet but an odd thing to do before you make sure said murderer is secured. PorterDavid watches this and thinks it’s “melodramatic” and “pathetic.” But he doesn’t brain Bruce with something heavy while he’s distracted, which would’ve been my choice at this juncture. I guess I’ll never be a psychotic diamond obsessed neurosurgeon. I’ll cross that one of my list of potential careers.
Instead, PorterDavid runs back to the attic, and tries to flee out the fire escape. Bruce comes up behind him and grabs him all, “Where do you think you’re going?” The two proceed to wail on each other and make quips. PorterDavid has the power of crazy on his side so he gets the upper hand. He nearly pushes Bruce out the window, but just then Lila wakes up. She runs upstairs to the attic, grabs one of her Aunt’s rolling pins and beats PorterDavid over the head with it. HELL YEAH!
Naturally the SVPD do not come into the house during all the screaming and punching. They’re probably sitting outside, eating doughnuts or whatever cops do. Bruce ties PorterDavid up, and he’s like “I guess I better go fetch the police now that we’ve subdued and secured their suspect for them.” Lila asks for three minutes alone with PorterDavid. At first Bruce is incredulous, but eventually he agrees to let Lila have her wicked way with him.
PorterDavid is dumb. He asks Lila to untie him. She’s all “Um, sorry I’m insane.” PorterDavid makes up some story about it being a neurological test to see how someone responds to “such a statement.” He tells her to get a knife out of a drawer. Lila opens it. Inside she finds the locket he gave her. Lila is all “La! And here I thought I lost it!” PorterDavid says that was a great day, right? If she’d only untie him, then they could have more days like that! “Do you know what I’m hoping for?” Lila asks. PorterDavid, being dumb as I said before, walks right into it. What? “I hope you spend the rest of your miserable life rotting in a prison cell,” she says and she throws the necklace in his face.
Then Bruce and Lila are back together and all is right with the world! Lila thanks Nancy for calling for help when she was nearly dead, but she also mutters under her breath, “But don’t call for a reference.” Ha! I love Lila so much! Glad the bitch is back!
Liz is still with Tom Watts in this book. They make out in that annoying way Liz always does with her longtime boyfriends. Then Liz goes back up to her room and wonders why Jess isn’t around. Gee, Liz, why wouldn’t she want to watch you smooch Tom? She goes from complaining that Jess is never around to thinking Jess’s side of the room is way too messy in just a few short sentences. Again, why wouldn’t Jessica want to hang around with Liz?
FUN FACT: Liz’s favorite pajamas are “cream-colored with little brown puppies all over them.” It’s not cool but mock other people’s PJs, but you know she loves them in a totally un-ironic way.
Jessica and a bunch of guys show up as Liz is drifting off to sleep in her beloved PJs. They sit on the floor and play cards. Liz is like “What the hell are you doing?” I’m totally on Liz’s side for once. You cannot interrupt people’s sleep. Ever. It should be a law. No! It should be a commandment. She makes the boys leave, and Jessica pouts.
The next day, Elizabeth posts a “List of Rules for Room 28.” While I do not support Jessica’s previous behavior it’s more than a little condescending for Liz to write a list of rules for their shared room without Jessica’s input. She’d be so horrible to live with (and I kind of miss Celine messing with her). Liz wants Jessica to take this “more seriously” and Jessica wants Liz to “lighten up.” Ah, the eternal struggle between the twins.
Elizabeth is making out with Tom in her dorm when an earthquake hits. Now even god is cock-blocking Tom.
The ace reporters race out to get footage of the damage. They discover that the building that Tom and Danny live is no longer livable. The earthquake ruptured water pipes and the whole place is soaked. Now Danny and Tom need to find a new place. You’d think University Housing would set these kids up with something, but, oh right, this is Sweet Valley. (Later, Tom and Danny have to break in to their own room just so they can have clothes. Everything is wet and nothing is being done about it. Way to fail, SVU. )
Instead, Liz offers to let Tom stay with her. Except-aha-that is breaking one of Miss Priss’s “rules” for living in the dorm. No boys overnight. Liz, ever the hypocrite, thinks that Jessica will probably be staying at the hospital with Lila so she’ll never know!
Jessica stays at the hospital until 4 am, when Grace tells her that Lila is out of the coma. She then returns home and finds Tom sleeping in her bed. She tosses him on the ground and claims the bed for herself, too tired from worrying about her best friend’s life to call Liz on her hypocrisy. Hee.
But the next day she let’s Liz have it. Tom has all kinds of video equipment for the station. Jessica says it’s in the way and threatens to throw it all out. She demands Tom leave-she doesn’t care that he has no place to go. Liz calls her selfish. Jessica brandishes the rules.
Jessica then writes her own version of the rules, a snarky twist on Liz’s rules (#4 is “Have a nice day”). Tom comes in with a bunch of wet crap that needs to dry out and she tells him to get lost. Tom insists that he has nowhere else to go and he’s staying. Battle lines are drawn. Now, you might say that Jessica is being insensitive and she is. Tom just lost, like, most of his possessions and has no home. But it’s also really annoying having an extra person in a tiny dorm room. This is why the university should’ve provided housing for the displaced.
Tom and Jessica fight. Liz is caught in the middle. Blah blah blah. Get back to Lila already. Eventually Liz decides she’ll help Tom look for another place to stay, because Jessica clearly isn’t going to be placated until he’s gone. He tries sleeping at the WSVU station but apparently they turn off the heat at night. I wouldn’t think that’d be much of a problem in southern California, but whatever. He can’t stay there. He ends up sleeping in the hallway outside Liz’s room.
Liz takes pity on him and lets him sleep on her couch again. Jessica is pissed. She puts something (hair gel?) in Tom’s toothpaste. Because she is five. She thinks he’s “dense” to fall for that old trick. She is not wrong. But then she proceeds to fall for one of his. He puts green dye in her shampoo, turning her sun-kissed blonde hair green! Oh noes! Tom, it turns out, is also five.
They spend most of the book playing pranks on one another, but I could really give a shit, you know? Because Lila is in danger. I don’t care if Jessica’s hair is green. Jesus.
Anyway, then Jessica starts being nice to Tom and it freaks him out. He becomes afraid that she wants him. It’s actually kind of boring. When Jessica comes back from the Theta Gala, she kisses Tom who was sleeping. As soon as he opens his eyes, he realizes it’s not Elizabeth he’s kissing and is like “WTF is wrong with you!” Jessica continues to come on to him.
Jessica isn’t actually interested in Tom, which is a change from how she normally reacts to Liz’s boyfriends. She’s just messing with him to make him so uncomfortable he will leave the dorm. But eventually Tom and Danny get their place cleaned up and the whole thing pretty much comes to nothing. It was just an annoying interruption to important Lila action.