SVK Super Snooper #7: The Case of the Alien Princess
You guys. You guys. The twins...and their friends...they go to space. To motherfucking space. And they meet an alien. Who's also a princess. An alien princess.
...space, people, space!
Also, the cover:
Jessica looks like she's in the middle of doing some sort of funky dance. The dweeby kid (Andy) looks like that Duckface guy who was in love with Stephanie in Full House. And Liz seems to be preoccupied with something stage left, and she's kinda cross-eyed. Oh, and the alien princess looks pretty normal, except for the teeny fact that she's an ALIEN PRINCESS.
The story begins on Earth. I can't believe I have to establish that, but I do. Jess and Liz are watching some monster movie when Andy Franklin calls them. He's apparently some nerdy boy in their class, but I've never heard of him. (He seems to have his own tag, though, so I do believe he's probably been mentioned before.) Jessica says that "he wore glasses that always fell of in gym class." Dang. You'd think technology would've discovered an easier way for geeks to play sports. Anyway, Andy's calling the twins because he has made contact with aliens. Jessica's like, "Fuck off, nerd," and he tells her that he's serious and to meet him in the park right away.
Jess grabs Liz and tells her that they need to get to the park right away, because it's an "emergency". I can't believe she just accepts the fact that Andy saw an alien. Her logic is that since Andy is an expert on UFOs (a seven-year-old expert), he wouldn't say that he saw an alien unless he actually did. Because it's not like seven-year-olds ever seek attention or anything. When they get to the park they discover that Andy has called all the Snoopers, who for those of you playing at home, are Lila, Todd, Winston, Eva and Ellen. Oh, and Lila's bike has rainbow streamers on it. Go Lila.
Liz calls bullshit on the whole alien thing, but Amy says, "They might need humans for their zoo." Kinda like how in Space Jam, they needed Michael Jordan for their amusement park. Andy arrives and tells them that he saw a green alien at Secca Lake yesterday. Everyone asks stupid alien questions, except Lila, who demands to know if it touched Andy, as she backs away from him. Lila my girl, you're all right. Andy invites the Snoopers on a picnic tomorrow so they can see if the alien comes back, and everyone agrees. Except Ellen, but she eventually says yes. Jessica thinks Ellen is a bit of a chicken. If that's the case, Ellen honey, I daresay being a Snooper is not for you. Go play in the sandbox like a normal kid.
At Secca Lake the next day, there are no signs of aliens. Imagine my (and Lila's) surprise. Elizabeth finds some weird blue sand and thinks it must be alien kitty litter or something. I don't know. Andy and Ellen get bored and decide they want to nap, but Todd gets all angry and tells them that they're too old for naps. He's quite forceful about it, too. Even at the ripe old age of seven, I can still imagine pure madness in Todd's eyes. All of a sudden, everyone goes to sleep at the same time. Even Todd the sleep nazi can't help but doze off. You look like a real fool now, Todd, I hope you know that.
Liz wakes up a little while later, and sees a spaceship in the sky. Yeah. She wakes everyone up, and they quite rightfully freak the fuck out. The spaceship beams Liz up. It beams her up, Scotty! The rest of the Snoopers just kind of look at each other for a while, until Amy helpfully says, "She's gone." Thank you for that, Amy. They try to run away, but Jess gets beamed up too! Beamed up, I tells ya! (I think I just like saying 'beamed up'.) Jess finds herself inside the spaceship with Elizabeth. Jess actually says, "This sure is a strange looking spaceship." Um, as opposed to the many other spaceships you've been on, Jess? The alien abduction of '93 was slightly nicer for you? Be sure to note that on your comment card at the end of the abduction.
Andy gets (wait for it!) beamed up too, and is disappointed that the spaceship looks nothing like the ones he's seen in Star Trek. Seriously, you kids. You just got fucking kidnapped by some sort of other-worldly creature and all you can think about is how the spaceship looks? The rest of the Snoopers get beamed up one by one, and only Ellen has enough sense to be scared. Ellen, people. Ellen is the smart one today. Oh wait, she then says that she hopes the aliens aren't as ugly as ET, and Eva tells her that ET isn't ugly. THAT'S SO NOT THE POINT, YOU GUYS! Lila is bored by all this alien abduction...until they finally meet the aliens! OH NOES!!!
Apparently, even the aliens in Sweet Valley are beautiful. I know. I'm just as pissed off as you. In case you're all wondering, aliens are green. Green. Who'd have thought? And one of them has orange hair, while the other has purple hair. Like those Troll dolls, only you can't put them on the end of your pencil. And they may or may not kill you. Jessica realises, "The aliens were kidnapping them!" Clearly she's a little slow on the uptake. If some creepy bearded weirdo came along and told her that he had a puppy for her in his rape van, even money says Jess would get in and only realise that she's being abducted when they cross the Mexican border.
The purple-haired alien introduces herself as Gazeal. We know she's a girl because only the girls have purple hair. That's the only way you can tell the sexes apart, and I find myself wondering how alien sex would work. Yeah, I'm that weird. Lila very awesomely says, "I can't believe you speak earthling!" and Andy snarks about how there are hundreds of languages on earth or whatever. Fucking Andy. You can't silence Lila's awesomeness, so don't even try. Gazeal tells them that she mastered English (and a handful of other languages) in a day, because alien brains are so much bigger than earthling brains. Then, somewhat bafflingly, she comes out with this: "Your smaller brains have their advantages. For example, it makes you terrific at solving mysteries." Um, why would that be the case? What the hell kind of logic is that, aliens?
Todd interrupts all the crazy and demands to know where they're being taken. Because Todd is assertive. Gazeal tells them that they're going to her planet, Venn, to solve the disappearance of their alien princess. Gazeal, if you have such a huge brain, why didn't you think to, gosh, I don't know, kidnap a detective or a couple of cops or something? These are seven-year-olds, and not very fucking smart ones at that. You're working with Todd and Ellen here, Gazeal! The male alien (whose name is Zeek) ominously says that if they don't solve the mystery, they'll never see Sweet Valley again. Oh noes! Not Sweet Valley! Gazeal's like, "I'm sure you can do it; you're the best detectives in the universe!" Amy's like, "I doubt that very much," and asks why they didn't kidnap someone whose job it is to actually solve crimes and whatnot. Now we're getting common sense from Amy? This book is cray-zay. Since there is no real answer to this, Gazeal cites some bullshit about how kids know kids, and the princess is a kid. Or something. I don't really care enough to decipher exactly what she says.
Gazeal tells them that Zari is supposed to inherit the throne of Venn from her on Zari's eighth birthday. If she doesn't, the Nards (bad guys!) will take control of Venn. Gazeal thinks the Nards kidnapped Zari. Oh, and Gazeal is Zari's aunt. And the current ruler. That may come in handy at some point, if my spidey sense is anything to go by. (And it is. Just saying.) The spaceship gets to Venn, and Zeek the male alien leads the Snoopers into their castle. They meet a guy called O'Hale, Zari's tutor, who I'd think would be pretty pissed that he doesn't have as cool an alien name as everyone else. I mean, O'Hale? Seriously? Whatever happened to Pleskitt orZoltan? That's how you do alien names, ghostwriter. Anyway, O'Hale sees the crack team of detectives Gazeal has assembled, and starts yelling Zardian obscenities at her.
Todd is weirded out by O'Hale, and Winston tells them that they'd better find the princess, or they'd never be able to go home. O'Hale takes them to Princess Zari's bedroom so they can look for clues. They find a weird-looking cat sitting on the floor whose job it is to protect Zari. Pfft. Job fail, cat. I hope you're happy. Also, someone should tell those aliens that cats aren't exactly the best protectors. Sure, they'll meow like crazy if there's someone at the door, but beyond that, they're pretty damn useless. But I don't know, maybe alien cats are different. Elizabeth asks the rest of the Snoopers if they think there's something interesting about the cat, and Todd says, "He's really cool." Heh. I think I love seven-year-old Todd. What Liz means is that the cat keeps rubbing up against one part of the wall. Oh yeah, I suppose that's another thing cats do. I can't believe their constant ability to rub up against shit is actually going to help the Snoopers solve the case. Liz pushes on the wall, and a hidden drawer pops out. Score one for useless cat behaviours.
Liz pulls out what appears to be Zari's diary, only it's written in Zardian, so she can't read it. O'Hale translates for them. Apparently Zari had written about how she must hide from "the greedy one." Ellen actually says, "It sounds as if the princess was in trouble." Well yeah, Ellen. As opposed to the whole kidnapping thing, which sounded like shits and giggles to you? Suddenly Gazeal arrives, and O'Hale runs off, telling the Snoopers not to let Gazeal know he was there. BECAUSE SHE'S TOTALLY EVIL! There, I said it. I'm sorry if I ruined anything for you (and technically I'm not sure myself), but if Gazeal's not totally crooked, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Seriously. I will go marry a monkey with a big extended family. That's how certain I am. Bullshit foreshadowing ruins another Sweet Valley book, even one for kids.
Gazeal says she'll guide the Snoopers around the planet, and Jessica asks if they can bring the cat. Gazeal refuses. I guess she must be a dog person. (Or EVIL!) They door-knock for a while, and Gazeal asks the aliens if they've seen the princess. Because none of them can speak English, you see. Which makes the Snoopers completely, utterly useless. Even an actual detective would be no help in this situation. They actually find an alien who can speak English, but Gazeal yells at her and she shuts up and refuses to talk to them. Gazeal tells the Snoopers that the evil Nards boiled the alien's mother in hot oil for trespassing on their property. That seems quite graphic for a kids' book. I think even Todd would be upset by this.
After an exhaustive search, Andy begins to think Gazeal is leading them in circles. He drops a lollipop on the floor to make sure, and hours later, they spot the lollipop again. That's very Hansel and/or Gretl of him. The Snoopers now all agree that Gazeal is shifty as all get-out. Gazeal leaves for some reason, and the kids all discuss their theories. They believe that Zari ran away because she knew Gazeal was after her, and Gazeal is going to fight the Nards herself so she can continue to be ruler of Venn. That night, they all sneak out of the castle. Todd's leading the way, because he's Todd. Zeek (the guy alien) finds them, and says he'll help sneak them out of the castle. Clearly Todd is not doing a bang-up job of this. Jeez, Toddles, we can't trust you to do anything, can we?
Okay, this bit made me laugh out loud. The last line of the chapter is, "Elizabeth could only hope that she was not leading her friends into danger." The title of the next chapter? "Danger." Well done, Elizabeth. You should've stuck with Todd as the leader. Todd gets results. Zeek confirms their theory that Gazeal is EVIL and says they must escape or die. Oh, and that alien cat's back. Zeek palms the kids off to another alien named Saleel. Please, ghostwriter, no more aliens. I can't keep them all straight in my head. Also, I fear my spellchecker may explode.
Saleel takes them to Nard City, and Lila calls bullshit because the Nards are supposed to be EVIL. The kids think that Zeek must've tricked them and is actually working for Gazeal. Todd bafflingly says, "He is always all bows and smiles when she's around." Come on, now. What seven-year-old talks like that? Especially one who grows up to be Todd Wilkins! The stupid attack cat runs into Nard City, and Jessica follows it. Even though she realises that it'd mean certain death by hot oil boiling? Jessica, it's just a cat. They have nine lives. As far as I can tell from reading the SVH books, you only have six.
The Snoopers decide to run after Jess, even though Todd says it's too dangerous. Shh, there there, Todd, it's okay. You were doing so well until Elizabeth led you all into danger. I know how she can be. They're confronted by a bunch of Zards (not Nards?) and one of them grabs Ellen. Lila's like, "Not on my watch, pal!" and tries to rescue Ellen. Aww, Lila, you seriously rock my world. For all her bravery, Lila ends up captured as well. All the Snoopers do. The aliens take them to some strange building, and an alien who speaks English comes in and asks them what they're doing in Nard City. Liz actually says, "We seek the princess Zari." Seriously, Liz. You hang around aliens for one day, and already you're starting to sound like one.
The stupid cat runs up to the alien and starts rubbing up against its legs. Elizabeth deduces that this alien is Princess Zari! So...I guess that's score two for useless cat behaviours? Liz tells her that she has to go back to the palace before the Nards get here, and Zari's like, "WTF, earthling? The Nards are hiding me here. They're, like, good. And Gazeal's, like, EVIL." Zari tells the Snoopers that the Nards are peaceful aliens who used to live on a different planet, but when an asteroid destroyed it (but not them?), they came to live on Venn. Gazeal went mad with power and forced them to move to the Nard City ghetto. Um...is there some sort of Nazi subtext going on here? Because what the hell? I thought Sweet Valley didn't tackle Nazism until middle school. I mean seriously, read this exchange (you might want to substitute the words "Nards" with "Jews", "Zards" with "Germans", "Venn" with "Germany" and "Gazeal" with "Hitler."
"Zari," Winston said, "your people are preparing for war against the Nards."
"Gazeal has told the Zards that the Nards are trying to take control of Venn," Jessica explained.
"If you don't go back," Ellen said, "the Nards will be wiped out."
Ghostwriter, please level with me here -- did you steal this plot from World War II? Because I don't know if you know this, but that's kind-of frowned upon. I mean, it's bad enough that you and your colleagues plagiarise ideas from everywhere else. A good chunk of the SVU series was lifted straight from 90210. I accept that that's just who you are. But the Holocaust? That's low, my dear. I...I just...ugh.
Zari decides she must go back to the capital city and reclaim her throne from that stupid Hitler alien. When they get there, they find the Zards ready for war. O'Hale is there, probably contemplating his dumb non-alien sounding name. Zari tells him that the earthlings found her, and he's like. "Whaaa?" They go confront Gazeal, and she's like, "Oh, hi, Zari. Good to see you're not kidnapped anymore. Too bad for you that you can't reclaim the throne. We're doing this whole war thing right now, but let's talk later, 'kay?" She sees the Nards and tries to convince everyone that Zari is a traitor, and tells them to kill the Nards and the earthlings. Zari tells them that the Nards are unarmed, and the rest of the Zards are freaking out over what this means. Zari says to Gazeal, "You are the traitor. You are spreading hatred among our people. I think you could use some time alone to think about what you've done?" Like an underground bunker perhaps? I think my favourite part of this chapter, though, is this trippy illustration:
Look at that thing. It's like the movie poster of Being John Malkovitch meets a Snuggie ad. Anyway, back to the story. Zari is crowned queen of Venn, and everyone has a party. Well, it wouldn't be a Sweet Valley book without a party. The Snoopers decide that they must return home, and O'Hale tells them, "I thought you could not be good detectives because you were children. You have proved how wrong I was." Oh, for God's sake, O'Hale. They're just Wakefields. No need to be a kiss-ass. Todd thinks this must mean that they're the best detectives in the universe. Oh, Todd. I should hate you, but somehow I can't bring myself to.
The next thing you know, the Snoopers are back on a spaceship and returning home. I hope it's more spaceshippy than the first one, for Jess and Andy's sakes. They pass the Statue of Liberty, the Grand Canyon, and Secca Lake. One of those things is not like the other. Liz thinks that now would be a good time for a nap. Someone alert Todd! There's a renegade napper on board the ship!
Liz wakes up...at the lake. Funny that. She thinks it must've been a dream, but then Jess wakes up and tells her she had the very same dream! Weird! Jess tells the other Snoopers about her dream, and when she mentions that the ground was blue, Todd's like, "That's 'cause you found a pile of blue sand before." I guess Todd is now the book's appointed voice of reason. Good for Todd. Andy says he had the same dream, and Liz thinks it's weird that they all fell asleep at the same time, even Todd, who is dead against seven-year-olds taking naps for some reason. Lila's response? "Who cares? Let's eat." Lila, you and I need to elope. To somewhere fabulous.
Jessica picks up a necklace that was just lying there on the ground. Apparently it's the same one Zari was wearing. Jess thinks this is proof that she wasn't dreaming. No one cares, and they all race down to the picnic area where their parents are setting up lunch. Andy gets there last, and is therefore a rotten egg. Suck it, Andy. Alice asks them if they saw any aliens, and Todd immediately yells, "Of course not!" Methinks thou doth protesteth too much, Toddles! Jess eats two sandwiches because she's so hungry, she feels like she hasn't eaten in days. Liz is like, "Well, maybe you haven't, Jessica. Maybe you haven't." Cue ominous music, roll credits.