SVH Reissue of Book #3: Playing With Fire
I'll be honest with you. I wasn't planning on snarking this book. Since I never read the original, I was just hoping to be able to sit down and enjoy this on its own as a fine piece of young adult literature...and then I started it, and discovered the shitness within. Not snarking this would be a crime to humanity, even more of a crime to humanity than it being written in the first place.
Okay, the covers:
The original cover is, in my most humble opinion, one of the best Sweet Valley High covers in existence. Maybe it's just because it features Bruce Patman giving me his bedroom eyes, but I think it's divine. There's Brucie, arm around Jessica, going, "Yeah, I totally own this bitch." And there's Jessica, smug smile on her face, going, "Yeah, I'm totally being owned."
The reissue cover is...well, it's meh. It's just meh. My stupid library put a giant sticker over the twin in the top right corner, so I had to remove it...and this blue ink went all over my hand. What the fracking frack, librarians? Is this ink supposed to be security so people don't tamper with the sticker? I was going to put it back in its original spot, I swear! Anyway, there's Jessica on the right -- I only know this because she looks schemy. And also because the other twin (underneath the goddamn sticker) is wearing a headband, so I assume that's Elizabeth in all her nerdy headband-y glory. Then again, there's some sweet-looking jailbait dude right behind her, and I can't imagine that's Todd. Why would Todd be on the front cover? In fact, Headband Twin's looking a little schemy as well! See, this is why I hate these fucking covers -- I can't tell goddamn twins apart! The man candy is not the same guy on the front of the Secrets reissue, so it can't be Bruce, and...you know what? Fuck it. I can't just go around solving cover model mysteries all day. It's time to snark this mother.
(Oh, and I'm so not putting that stupid sticker back where it was, either. It can just stay where I stuck it, and people will just assume this is another book in the Sweet V-teenage bestseller paperback-y High series. If you're going to get stickers made, don't use cheap printers! This is what Principal Vernon referred to as "messing with the bull." I'll put that sticker wherever the fuck I want now!)
Chapter One begins...with a dance-off! Yay, at least they kept that detail. I was so afraid Modern Ghostwriter was going to send our favourite high-schoolers to a SingStar-off, or a Who-Can-Text-The-Fastest competition. Suck it, technology! Jessica is hella bummed because as homecoming queen, she's required to attend all school events with homecoming king Winston Egbert. Which I still don't get -- how can you force kids to go to dances together? I hate to side with Jessica, but that seems a little stupid.
Robin Wilson compliments Jessica on her "green slinky dress." Robin, as we all know, is no friend of Jessica's because she is a Fatty Fat Fat Fat. Jessica snarks that Robin "latched onto Jessica like a big fat barnacle on the bow of a sleek speedboat." What. The. Fuck. This is going to be the longest fourteen chapters of my life. There's more snarking of Fat Robin, but even Jessica admits that her updo looks very nice, and now Robin will never not look like Emma Gerber from Mean Girls in my mind.
Jessica goes over to Lila, who's looking sexy, as usual. They talk about Fat Robin some more. I'm getting sick of Fat Robin. Just be thin already; it's not like it's that hard! Valley of Death (aka the Droids), finish their set, and Mr. Collins, who is Jessica's idea of a "major hottie", takes the mic and starts laying down the ground rules in a very Coach Calhoun/Mrs. McGee kind of way. Jess and Winston (those Jims and Sals are my best pals) have to take the floor, and Winston's dancing is described as being a cross between "early Michael Jackson meets old man attempting to swing dance meets boy choking on his own saliva." How hilariously descriptive. Eventually, Bruce comes and rescues Jessica from having to dance with this monstrosity any longer. (Seriously, though, what's wrong with early Michael Jackson dancing? Maybe Modern Ghostwriter means really early, in his Jackson Five Ed Sullivan Show days. That I understand. The seventies were a dark time.)
Elizabeth and Todd watch Jessica leave Winston alone on the dance floor, and Todd makes some remark about how Jessica always gets what she wants, no matter who she has to hurt. Naww, I think someone's still a little mad that she accused him of raping her. Todd can sure hold a grudge, huh? Jessica and Bruce win the dance-off, and Liz wonders why Bruce is taking an interest in Jessica all of a sudden. Emily Mayer comes over to Todd and Liz, with her hair combed into her face, black eyeliner aplenty, and combat boots. Ladies and gentlemen, the emos have landed in Sweet Valley. Just try not to look them in the eye. Emily's all excited because there's a manager interested in representing Valley of Death! Yay! And guess how they got discovered? Come on, it's an easy one -- Guy posted a video of them on YouTube! The wonder that is the twenty-first century strikes again. Also changed from this scene is the fact that Todd no longer says something borderline skeevy about identical twins having identical talents, which is quite a shame, really.
Jessica tells Winston that Bruce is going to take her to Ken's afterparty. (I guess he's gotten over all that Ms. Dalton public humiliation stuff from the last book. Todd could learn a thing or two about letting go from this guy.) Winston's like, "No! I want to go with you!" and Jessica palms him off to Fat Robin. Is anyone else wondering just how fat Robin Wilson actually is? These reissues apparently think that a size six is too fat, so I'm just curious. Modern Ghostwriter does specify that she's wearing a muumuu, which is both cruel and hilarious. Now Robin looks to me like Homer Simpson in that episode where he gains all the weight so he can work from home.
Liz and Todd are driving to Ken's. Reissue rape alert -- Todd drives a Honda Civic! What the what?! Where is the Datsun? Give me my Datsun, you stupid modern sons of bitches! Liz is still worrying about Jess and Bruce. God. Todd thinks Bruce could be the love of Jessica's life. Actually no, Todd, that would be Miss Lila Fowler. Stop being ridiculous. Ugh, Todd parks his bastard Civic next to John Pfeifer's car. Why is he mentioned so often in these early books? The only way I would've allowed a John Pfeifer reference is if Todd had run the bitch down with his newfangled Civic.
Todd leaves Liz alone to "see what the drink situation is." Ooh, as in alcoholic drinks? How scandalous! Wait a minute...I think I did read the original! Is this not the infamous bikini-top party? I'm pretty sure it is, and I've definitely read that one. God, they'd better not get rid of that! Liz looks over and sees Bruce talking to Jessica, John, Lila, Cara and Paul Sherwood. (Who's he? I have no recollection of him whatsoever.) Can I just say, I'm really uncomfortable that John and Lila are so close to one another. I know he doesn't try to rape her for another 90-odd books and right now seems like a decent guy, but still. When you're an eleven-year-old reading a book about the attempted rape of your favourite fictional character, that shit stays with you. Liz mentions that she hates this crew, except John Pfeifer, whom she describes as an "innocent follower." My ass! Liz, you are the worst judge of character ever!
Liz thinks about how stupid Jess looks fawning all over Bruce, which is not noteworthy in the slightest, except that it's an excuses for Liz to think, "Maybe I could catch it on my video phone for later reference." Sigh. Liz, there are a few things I'd like you to do with that video phone of yours, and funny thing, they all end with it being forcefully inserted into your where-the-sun-don't-shine place.
Jess's POV now. Bruce is telling a story about how he got in to a 007-esque high speed police chase, and eventually gave the cop a hunny to forget about the whole thing. Cara's like, "wtf?" and Lila tells her it means hundred-dollar bill. Which I sure as hell didn't know. Everyone knows that any slang for the word 'hundred' is 'hundy'. I'm either way cooler than these super-hip 21st century party people, or I'm so far behind I may as well just give up. Either way I win, because I don't say stupid words like 'hunny'.
Jess and Bruce go swimming. Apparently the water's freezing, which is kind-of lame -- Ken Matthews's pool isn't heated? What a povvo fool. I bet he lives right next door to Tricia Martin. Oh wait, they're at the lake. Funny, I thought this was a pool party. Why would they need to go to...ah, forget it. I'm too tired to try and justify this. Jessica and Bruce decide to slow-dance in the lake. That's kinda cute. The two start necking, and all of a sudden Bruce unties her bikini top. Thank fucking God; I was so afraid the bikini-top scene would go the way of the Dairi Burger and 1bruce1. (Rest in peace, my friends.) Jess freaks out, because Lila, Cara and Ken are all swimming right near them, and Bruce suggests, "Why don't we go somewhere more private and I'll give you all the attention you want?" Bruce, you saucy, saucy boy. The two sneak off into the woods.
Liz, Todd and Enid are listening to music from "Ken's portable mp3 system." Because this is the noughties! Hey guys, remember how this is the noughties? Well it is! Liz sees Bruce and Jessica sneak off into the woods (I assume Jessica's re-tied her bikini strings, or Liz may have nigh-on fainted at the sight of someone else's boobies.) Liz follows the two into the woods, hears them make out for a bit, and then clears her throat and interrupts them. Two things -- it's not okay to listen to your sister and her date make out in the woods. It's just not. Also, it's not okay to interrupt your sister and her date making out in the woods unless there's a very good reason. A nearby wildfire, for example. Liz is horrified that Bruce lets his had rest "just above her breast", and Jess does nothing. More boobie talk! Is this Sweet Valley or Entourage? Bruce says he didn't "sign up for the buzzkill twin as well," and Jess tells Liz to fuck off. Liz is like, "Fine!" and walks away. Bruce and Jess get back to making out, and Bruce calls Jessica his "new girl." Jessica could not be happier.
(By the way, you know how sometimes I regale you with my own anecdotes when I see a connection between them and what's going on in SV? Well, I totally have one for this situation, but as you might guess from the subject matter we're dealing with, it's definitely TMI. Sorry to disappoint.)
It's 3:15 in the morning. Liz is lying in her bed, totally awake, hoping to God that Jess comes home soon. (In case you're wondering, she sprung some lie on Ned and Alice about Jess already being in bed. And they believed it. Sigh.) Jess comes in all excited, and Liz is like, "Hey Skanky Skankerson, how could you be such a skank?" and Jess assures us that she did not have teh sex. They just did "stuff." OMG TEH STUFF! Jess tells Liz that Bruce is her new boyfriend, and Elizabeth pretty much laughs in her face. Jess kicks her out of her bedroom. (Finally!)
At breakfast, Alice is going on and on about how she might be landing a job decorating the new Fowler Enterprises building. Liz is preoccupied with the severely important budding Jess/Bruce relationship that also happens to be none of her business. Jessica bounds downstairs and announces that she and Bruce Patman are together, and Liz is disgusted over "Jessica's starry-eyed retelling of her night with Bruce." Um, ew. This family is way too close. I hope she didn't go into too much detail. Ned does mention that it sounds like things are going pretty fast, which in Daddy Talk means "let's go chastity-belt shopping!" Then Bruce comes to pick Jessica up in his -- no, I don't want to say it...I really, really don't...it's inhumane...you can't make me...okay, alright -- in his Cadillac Roadster. *Vomits.*
Apparently it's school time now. Okay. Emily Mayer the now-emo comes up to Liz and tells her that Valley of Death has been playing for their prospective manager all weekend. The manager even wants to "start up a viral campaign on MySpace to drive more people to our page." I hope you know that's probably the most obnoxious tech-savvy thing you could've made that guy do, Modern Ghostwriter. Nothing with the word 'viral' in it is ever beneficial to anything. Oh, and one of Valley of Death's songs is called 'Freshman Love', which I like only because I don't have to waste time snarking it -- the thing snarks itself. Elizabeth sees Bruce and Jess making out in the courtyard. God, would someone please give this girl something else to do? Please?
Jess stops all the kissing when she realises she's late for Chemistry. Bruce fixes the problem by giving her a fake note from the school nurse. Because Bruce is just that awesome. At my high school, I solved similar problems by getting chummy with the girl who could fake anyone's handwriting. I didn't even have to "do stuff" with her. Then Bruce lays what is undoubtedly his most successful pick-up line on Jessica -- "Hmm, no pulse. I think you need mouth to mouth." It's lucky you're so cute and rich, Bruce, it really is.
Elizabeth's at home, writing some sort of short story. Apparently, "her skin was tingling with excitement." Wow. Todd, this woman needs sexing up real bad. Fat Robin comes by looking for Jessica. It seems they were going to go shopping after cheerleading practice, but Jessica wasn't there. Liz is like, "She's probs with Bruce Patman again." Because given the choice, any normal person would rather hang out with Buff Bruce than Fat Robin. Fatness is not tolerated in Sweet Valley. Liz and Fat Robin talk about how Jessica was going to take Robin to the mall to buy clothes that flattered her body type. Evidently, muumuus just won't do. Fat Robin says that she's got a crush on Winston, and Elizabeth very gently points out that Winston is in love with her pretty, thin sister. Robin's like, "Fuck it, I don't care. He loves me." Way to blow those self-consciousness-plagued fat girl stereotypes out of the water, Robin! Unfortunately, I know what happens in the next book. I do like that according to Sweet Valley lore, if you're fat you must become bulimic and lose weight immediately, but if you're an attempted date rapist, the only person you need to change for is your heroically deaf girlfriend. And if she dies from coke, all bets are off and you can return to your dickish ways.
After dinner, Jessica goes to Bruce's house to play tennis. Although it seems to me like all Bruce is playing is a little game of Whose Cheesy Line Is It Anyway. (Question mark.) First, when Jessica says that she likes the view, he gives her the once-over and tells her that he likes it too. Sigh. Then he casually mentions, "I love a good workout after dinner." Sure you're talking about tennis, Bruce. Suuuure. But Jessica sure does give him a huge workout -- she wipes the court with him. And Bruce? Not such a gracious loser. He gets really mad. As in, Todd mad. Jessica takes some of Liz's doormat pills and decides to let him win. Ladies, that's how to make boys like you. If they're good at sports, you pretend to be hopeless. If they're smart, you pretend to be dumb. Another supremo lesson from Francine and the gang.
Emily is at a Droids practice. Sorry, I mean Valley of Death. She's distracted and misses a tempo change, and Guy yells at her. Jesus, Guy, just because you uploaded a video on YouTube doesn't mean you're the boss of the band. They argue (apparently Guy has a crush on Dana. Remind me: did that ever go anywhere?) and eventually they get back to practising their new song and not being douches. Emily is so tired afterwards that she falls asleep without studying for chemistry. Oh noes!
In chem class some time later, Jessica is baffled at how she could've possibly gotten an F on her test. I mean come on, she cheated off Emily Mayer, for God's sakes! How can that be? When she meets up with Bruce, she tells him all about her F. He solves her problem by throwing her test in the bin so it won't bother her. Hee! No one solves a problem like Bruce Patman. Jess is going on about how it's the end of the world, and he's like, "No big, just cheat off someone else next time." I love Bruce. He tells her that she needs to smile, because "the whole brooding, depressed thing is not attractive." Whoah there, somebody alert those Valley of Death emos!
Bruce tells her that A) cheerleading is lame -- and yeah, it comes about that randomly in the book as well, and B) that he knows where Mr. Russo keeps his tests. He's just about to tell her where they are, when John fucking Pfeifer comes along. He actually greats Bruce by saying, "Yo! Patman! Whaddup, brotha!" Hell. If I didn't want John Pfeifer to die before...Also, why are he and Bruce friends in this book and only this book? I don't remember them ever being buddies again. (Especially not after he tried to rape the future Mrs. Bruce Patman!)
Liz and Winston are in the cafeteria. Winston's broody and depressed (not sexy, Win!) over Jessica not liking him. He wants to join a monastery, and Liz tells him they'd make him he'd give up all his possessions, including his PlayStation. Which I'd like to snark, but I think it's an update from an Atari reference in the eighties, so I guess that's okay. (Atari, snigger!) Winston says, "Crap. There goes that idea," and I'm pretty sure this is at least the second use of the word 'crap'. in this book I don't remember them using that word in the originals. Oh, Liz says 'crap' on the next page too! You pottymouth! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Miss Priss!
Liz complains about how Jessica is changing herself for Bruce. Which she's not, really. All she's done is skip cheerleading practice and spent half the night downloading Bruce's favourite songs for him. Because downloading is so hip and cool, don't you know? Liz invites Winston to see Valley of Death with her, Todd and Robin. Winston's like, "Stop setting me up with fucking Robin! I don't like fucking Robin!" He agrees to go, though, but just as a friend thing. Evidently, not even feebs like Winston Egbert want to be seen on the chubby arm of a Fatty Fat Fat Fat. (Says me, as I tuck into a huge bowl of cereal at 11pm while wearing a T-shirt that proudly states my love of cereal.)
At home, Liz is looking for something to wear, but all she has is fugly nerd attire. When she goes into Jess's room to borrow something of hers, Jessica shows her this new full-length skirt she bought at a store that Bruce rates. Look who's changin'! She tells Liz that Bruce is taking her to the country club to show her off to all her dad's business associates, and she needs to look the part. Even Liz thinks her new clothes are daggy, and that's really saying something.
Todd, Liz, Winston and Robin are driving around in Todd's faggy Civic (I'm sure there are places where you can still get Datsuns!) until they find the club that Valley of Death is supposed to be playing at. (I started typing 'the Droids' again; goddamn you, Modern Ghostwriter!) There are about twelve people there. Gah, this storyline is boring. The only thing worth noting is that Todd sees a motorbike in the parking lot and declares his love for them. He tells Liz he'll change her mind about them when he gets one. Actually, Todd, the only thing Liz will change her mind about as a result of your bike is the way she feels about Bruce Patman. When they get in, Valley of Death are rocking (dammit, why can I not stop typing 'the Droids'?!) Liz thinks Max Dellon looks "almost sexy" tonight. Almost. But not quite. How unnecessarily mean.
Winston + Robin = awkward. Winston's clearly hung up on Jess, and Robin's even more clearly hung up on Winston. God, it's painful. When the gang finally gets going, they see 1bruce1 parked at a Miller's Point-type lookout on way home. But of course, it's not 1bruce1 now, is it? It's just another Caddy. Todd quips, "Guess that's where all the fog went -- look at those windows!" Scandal! They're doing teh stuff again!
As if all the mention of Bruce's lame-o Roadster wasn't enough, Modern Ghostwriter decides to send Liz and Todd off to Casa del Sol to eat their trendy Mexican food. You can't see it, but there's steam coming out of my ears right now. Maybe I'm just mad because I've been craving nachos all day, and this really isn't helping. Todd suggests that perhaps he ought to smack some sense into Winston to stop his JessiCrush. Hee, a Toddpunch threat! Todd is kind-of awesome tonight, because when Liz mentions that Winston's pining for Jess is similar to how Jess feels about Bruce, he says, "Yeah, but at least Jessica's getting some action out of it." Toddles, get down with your bad self! This comment makes Liz's face burn, because he just mentioned teh sex. Todd lets slip that everyone at school thinks Jess is a major slutbag. Or as he puts it, "Jessica, you know...is kind of...well, very...you know...willing. When it comes to fooling around. Everywhere. All the time." Liz is shocked that people think Jess and Bruce are having sex. And she actually says the word 'sex'. I'm embarrassed for her.
The next chapter starts with a snippet of the Insider blog. Apparently "the heiress from the hill was spotted canoodling with a member of the defensive line at Casa over the weekend." Really? Lila and...help me out here. Who do we know on the defensive line? My theory on American football is that it's exactly like Aussie Rules football, only not awesome, so the only thing I know about it is what I've learned from this very book series, so there you go. There's some crap about John Pfeifer in it too, but since I couldn't give two shits about anything John Pfeifer does, I refuse to mention him again. It seems that Liz is writing her blog as we speak, because she's concerned that she has to add Jessica and Bruce to the column. After all, they're the most talked-about couple in school.
Liz thinks back to last night at dinner, where Jessica was talking to her parents about how she watched Bruce play tennis the other day. Ned is shocked that Jess just sat on the sidelines and watched. Wasn't he their biggest supporter in the original? That's a turnaround I approve of. Liz is freaked out that Jessica so casually says that she doesn't play because she could never beat Bruce. Relax Liz, a little modesty would be good for Jessica.
More Valley of Death crap. (It's okay, I can say crap -- it's a Sweet Valley-approved word now.) They talk about Liz's article, which is basically a bunch of bullshit about how their recent show was a sold-out success. Blah blah band practice, blah blah Guy being a tool, blah blah it goes late and Emily can't study for her Chemistry test. These bloody emos.
At school, some cheerleader tells Jessica that her cheerleading days may be over if she doesn't stop skipping practice. She's like, "Whatev, bitch," and goes over to Loosey Brucie, looking sexy as always in a grey sweater number. Bruce is not impressed to see her in her cheerleading uniform -- he thought she was done with that crap. He gets all weird and accuses her of having her eye on some footballer. No, that's Lila -- doesn't he read the Insider? And I'm sorry, but doesn't it seem like a pretty bad idea for a school to allow kids to print gossip about each other in the school paper? Just thinking out loud here. Bruce tells Jessica that he's not into football, and he refuses to come to the game. Jessica decides that she won't go either, and she pretends to be sick. I like that Jessica can just turn it on like that. It's a talent I'm blessed with as well. (The trick is to think pale.)
Caroline Pearce tell Liz and her friends that Bruce is planning to throw Jessica a surprise party for his birthday. Yes, his birthday. Isn't Bruce Patman supposed to be a selfish asshat? Isn't that the stereotype he represents? I just don't know. Liz is suspicious of Bruce's motives. Todd thinks maybe Bruce is just trying to do something nice for Jess, and Liz says, "Yeah, and maybe I'm a natural brunette." No, Liz, perish the thought! Don't even put that out in the universe!
At home, Jessica is giving Fat Robin that fakeover she promised her weeks ago. She even goes so far as to compliment Robin on her clear skin and nice bone structure, but since make-up does nothing to hide all the fat, Robin's still not cool. She promises to help Jessica cook for Bruce one day, and Jessica decides she likes her a little more. Wow, it's so easy to buy Jessica Wakefield's love. Interesting that the fat girl knows everything about cooking.
School again. Apparently Bruce has been cancelling his and Jessica's dates all week because of some sick grandmother he has to see at the hospital, which is the easiest (and meanest) lie in the book. Right after that, though, she says that "if he canceled on her for tonight as well, she was going to die. Just die." Does...does she mean her, Jessica, or her, the grandmother? Either way, that's a poor choice of words right there. She comes up to Bruce and he cancels their date. He plans on working on his boat for some sailing thing he has to do on the weekend. She reminds him of their plans, and he asks her why she's always all over him. He also says, "That's not the kind of girlfriend I need. Is that the kind of girlfriend you want to be?" Yeah, is it, Jessica? Think about it. Bruce is really fighting Ronnie Edwards for the Asshat of Sweet Valley title right now, though. (Who well and truly took it off Todd in the last book.)
Jessica is babysitting Teddy Collins. Really, Jessica Wakefield? Mr. Collins was stupid enough to leave Jessica Wakefield alone with his young son? I daresay she'd be a worse babysitter than Crazy Margo was, and that's really saying something. Robin's there too though, which is good because Bruce calls Jess and asks her to meet him. Jessica tells Robin that Bruce's grandmother is really sick and that she has to be there for him. How is that different to Bruce using sick granny as an excuse? And we're meant to hate only him? Fuck you, Francine, I'm making my own decisions. Your brainwashing doesn't work on me.
Bruce and Jess go to Casa del Sol (my God, I need nachos) and Bruce tells her he has to cancel his boat race because his father's making him go to Catalina for his business thing. How disappointed do you think Hank Patman was when his son only managed to get into SVU? This is all very Huntzberger, if you ask me. Jess offers to go with him, because "old guys love me." Ew. Bruce very forcefully tells her that he can't have her there. You know, sometimes I think everything Elizabeth knows about being a cheating cheater, she somehow learned from Bruce Patman. The two really aren't that different. (Except one is super-dooper awesome, and the other is Elizabeth Wakefield.)
Speak of the devil. Liz wakes up on Wednesday and reads her now-published Insider column, only to discover that someone has added to her blog. It now includes a little something about how a guy fitting Bruce's description won Saturday's boat race. Liz is pissed because not only did someone tamper with her column, they tampered for the purpose of pure evil -- praising Bruce Patman! How dare they! And isn't this something that should be in the sports section? Just sayin'. Liz shows it to Jess, and Jess pretends like she doesn't care that Bruce lied to her about going to Catalina.
Jessica apparently realises that we're nearing the end of the book, and she's barely done anything sociopathic yet. So she goes to the SVH bathrooms where she knows Robin will be (throwing up her breakfast), and starts crying about how she's going to fail science. The girl can cry on cue like me as well...but that's where the similarities end, I swear. I'm not the real-life Jessica Wakefield. (Am I?) She tells Robin that she plans on stealing the test in advance, and Robin is so worried, she tells Jess she'll steal it for her. Man, life would be so much easier if I was the real-life Jessica Wakefield, now that I think about it.
Jessica puts the exam in Emily Mayer's locker, and then calls her out on stealing it. Wow. That's really awful. Jessica suggests that she uses it to study tonight so Jessica can copy her answers come exam time tomorrow. Again, awful. Upfront and honest, but awful. Emily's all, "That sounds like a shit deal, why would I agree to that?" and Jess says she'll rat her out to Russo for having the test in her possession if she doesn't. Emily agrees. Really? That's just...really? The lengths Jessica Wakefield will go to get out of studying is absolutely fascinating. (I also share her hatred for studying. The difference here is that I just didn't do it. Ever. Not even for my Year Twelve exams.)
Liz asks Penny why someone would edit her Insider column without her knowledge. Penny says that John Pfeifer told her Liz gave him permission to add the Bruce stuff. Ugh, fucking John Pfeifer! Just blow yourself up already so we can be done with this shit! John confesses, and says that his BFF Bruce got really mad at him for publishing it anyway. Liz tricks John into telling her what she wants to hear -- that Bruce was at the boat race with some other girl. John's so ashamed of betraying Bruce that he "tripped over Olivia Davidson's chair and barreled into the tiny freshman correspondent." Totally by accident, I'm sure. John Pfeifer wrecks everything. (And don't think I've stopped noticing the dreaded extra 'f' in John's surname, Modern Ghostwriter. Are double letters more hip now or something?)
Later on, Liz is watching Valley of Death practising. Once again, Guy's being a douchebag. He even tells Dana to kiss his ass. Yeah, his ass. Not his butt, or his behind, but his ass. The words 'ass', 'crap' and 'sex' have all been specifically mentioned in this book. I'm so scandalised! The band takes a break, and for some reason Dana mentions that Max wears tighty-whiteys. What an hysterically odd thing to say. They talk about their new manager for a while, and Guy gets pissy with Dana about how she's the only one he ever pays attention to. Dana totally knows this. What an awesome bitch. Best. Emo. Ever. Oh, and Emily spontaneously grows a conscience and confesses to Liz that she cheated on Mr. Russo's exam. What is it about Liz Wakefield that makes people confess things? They should put her on that Maury Povich show and there'd be no need for all those paternity tests.
Back at Casa Wakefield, Jessica walks into Liz's bedroom with a fabulous dress that Lila gave to her because it was too "blah" for our Lila. Jessica snarks that Lila's too flat-chested to wear it. Wow, so that's what gratitude sounds like. Funny, it sounds so much like ingratitude. Jess plans to wear it on Bruce's birthday, because they're going out for a nice romantic dinner. Liz is sure that Jess will be upset when she finds out Bruce is throwing her a surprise party. Um...why, exactly? Because Jessica Wakefield hates parties?
Jessica gets an F on her science test. Apparently Mr. Russo had changed the exam at the last minute. He tells her she'll need to do an extra-credit assignment, which she ain't too happy about at all. At lunch, she sits with Bruce, but he ignores her in favour of his friends. I like it when karma gives Jessica a nice hard bitch-slap.
It's Bruce's birthday. Jessica is wearing the blah Lila dress, along with a slick of red lipstick that apparently Alice Wakefield would not approve of. Alice Wakefield's priorities when it comes to her daughters are really out-of-whack. Bruce picks her up in his stupid non-Porsche, refuses to open her present, and doesn't say a word about how beautiful she looks. Again with the dickishness, Bruce! Don't worry, it's one of the reasons I like you so much.
Bruce takes her to some ballroom where the surprise party's being held. Whaddaya know, Jess really is unhappy that he threw her a party. She just wanted to be alone with him. Kind-of selfish; it is his birthday. I like to see as many people as I can on my birthday -- well-wishes and presents and cake and whatnot. Bruce, it seems, feels the same way, and goes off to chat with some cheerleaders. Robin comes up to Jessica, totally excited that Bruce even invited her, on account of her being a Fatty Fat Fat Fat and all. Jess and Robin go and get a drink. I have a feeling that Jess really does like Robin deep, deep down.
Liz walks into the party and immediately starts looking for Jessica, only she's wearing flat shoes so she has to lean on Todd. I don't know why, but I think that's so cute. She spots Jess and goes over to her, and Jess pretends like this whole surprise party is a really great idea. I have to wonder, if she's such a good liar, why is she so unconvincing? Liz gets mad when she sees Bruce chatting up some scantily-clad ex-girlfriend, and -- gasp! -- pinching her butt.
Liz gives up on Jessica (way to commit, Liz!) and goes over to where Valley of Death are setting up their instruments. She's like, "Didn't you guys have a show to play in L.A.?" and Emily explains that their manager got fired from his company for sleeping with all the female singers he could. He made a move on Dana, and she "kneed him in the you-know-where." Disappointing, Modern Ghostwriter. We were really making strides will all the ass/crap/sex cuss words, and now you're going straight to jail without passing Go or collecting two hundred dollars. Or as you call it, two hunny.
Winston is mad at Bruce for not dancing with Jessica. God, I forgot how pathetic Winston could be. He asks Jess to dance, and she says she's not in the mood. Besides, Bruce promised her the next dance...right after he finishes dancing with Lila! Wow, I can feel the sexual tension from here. Bruce and Lila need to stop dicking around and just freaking get together already. Fog up those car windows, baby!
Jess and Bruce finally dance...after Lila and Caroline Pearce and Jenna Lazlo have had their turns, of course. Jess is even happier when Bruce suggests that they leave, because she thinks it means "sexy alone time." And in her words, "she loved sexy alone time." That I believe. Turns out Bruce just wants to round up the gang and go to Guido's for pizza. Oh my God, Guido's! You survived being modernised! I thought I'd lost you forever!
Jess goes with Bruce and all his dude friends (how did Lila not warrant an invite?) to Guido's. Elizabeth and Todd go too, but sit at a different booth. Liz, that's officially stalking now, mmkay? And that's quite frowned-upon in polite society, mmkay? Bruce is pretty much ignoring Jessica again, and she still says nothing. Bruce talks to Ken about going to the shooting range to test out the gun his father bought him for his birthday. Oh dear Lord, Bruce has a gun? That just about fulfils every gangster fantasy I have. All he needs is a cool John Dillinger-type hat and the dialogue he had in the original books, and I would do things to him. Bad, unspeakable things.
Bruce's phone rings. His ringtone is a song called 'This Is Why I'm Hot'. Is that a real song? Either way, it sounds lame. What is why you're hot? Genetics? Clearasil? Beer goggles? More info needed. [Edit: YouTube assures me that it's a real song by a rapper named Mims. I still don't know the reasons behind why he is hot, but I do believe it has something to do with his being fly. Why is he fly? That's a whole different story.] Bruce leaves to take the call, and when he comes back he tells Jess that his grandmother is really sick and he has to go to the hospital. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. Pants-On-Fire. Liz totally knows that he's going off to see another girl, so when Bruce offers to drop Jess home first (which was nice of him, considering), she tells him not to worry. He high-tails it out of there, and Liz drags Todd and Jess into Todd's (ugh) Civic and says, "Follow that Caddy!" like a douche. You know what would have sounded better than 'follow that Caddy'? 'Follow that Porsche', or 'follow 1bruce1'. Anything but 'follow that Caddy'. I hate that they've massacred these books, I really do.
Jessica is outraged that Liz is following her oh-so-loyal boyfriend, but when he turns away from the hospital, she relents. They follow him to Valley Heights, and watch as he parks his car in front of "a large stucco house with a Spanish-tile roof." Fucking Spanish tiles. What's with all the Spanish in this town? Does Alice Wakefield design roofs now as well? Bruce picks up a model-like girl and they drive off. Jess tells Todd to follow him, and Todd mutters that "it's like I'm working for the blonde CIA." You know, Todd can be a pretty decent character when he's not doing things worthy of an appearance on Sweet Valley's Most Wanted.
Bruce goes back to Guido's with the new girl. The boys at their booth greet her like they're old friends. Oh, snap. Lila and Cara and the girls, who are sitting at another booth, look shocked and horrified. Jess storms in there, and the girls try to warn her or stop her or something. I really love when Lila and Jessica actually act like friends. I wish Lila was my friend. Anyway, she rocks up to the table and John Pfeifer has the nerve to look guilty. Bruce introduces the girl as his friend Aline. Jessica reminds him that he was off to see his grandmother, and Bruce lies about getting another call. Jess cuts him off, saying, "Wow, Grandma. You made a speedy recovery." Hee!
Then she throws pizza in his face, dumps soda over his head, and pushes him into the fountain. Which I think counts as a pool-push, don't you? She then tells Winston that she owes him a date, and wants to take him to Casa del Sol. (NACHOOOS!) I think this turnaround is supposed to signify a change in Jessica, that she embarrassed the school stud and is now voluntarily hanging out with the feeb, but I think it actually has the opposite effect. She doesn't even like Winston. She's leading him on again, and this will only end in heartbreak for Fat Robin. And Winston. Actually, I predict heartbreak for everyone but Jessica...