SVH #30 Jealous Lies; or Let's Sing a Song of Five. How Many is Five?

[murderedmymuse]

 
Have you ever noticed how the lyrics to Sesame Street eerily parallel the Sweet Valley lifestyle?

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet.
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Calico Street.

Although, if Sesame Street was like Sweet Valley, the cookie monster would have an eating disorder, Oscar the Grouch would find notes stuffed in his trash can saying We don't need your kind in Sweet Valley. Get out, and take your brother with you, Bert and Ernie would probably be in the same support group as Tom McKay, and Jessica’s conscience would be like Mr Snuffleupagus--something she swears exists but nobody ever sees. So a pre-emptive thanks to Sesame Street and The Simpsons ‘Homer’s Phobia’ for my rampant referencing of their pure brilliance.



This week we’re once again in that sordid little burg, Sweet Valley, where bitchery abounds and the dense but filthy rich prosper. We’re tossed into a bizarro world where a PBA member betrays her closest friend in the whole world but feels real (!?!1??!) guilt about it and attempts to right her wrongs in a truthful and caring manner. All we need is Elizabeth posing for Playboy, and Mr Collins paying for it under the counter, to create a comic book serial to rival Bizarro Superman. Actually, you’d think Mr Collins wasn’t around in this book but those strategically placed webcams in Elizabeth’s room beg to differ. Still, there’s enough PBA bitchery to make any Heather worth her salt happy. And we also catch a glimpse of Tom McKay before he became so…festive. As for the book cover…oh, look it’s Sandy from Grease after she joined the Pink Ladies; and watch out Liz, Jean is stealing your moves.

This book starts in good old Casa Wakefield, which I have decided has been transported back to 1950s Americana. This family is too loving, cheerful, PG, and so un-PC to live anywhere but. Can’t you just imagine the twins wearing bullet bras and Elizabeth sporting a pair of cats eye glasses? Aside from mutual wallowing in their own Zap Brannigan-esque love for themselves and their own perfection, they talk about Steven coming home for the weekend. Even though Sesame Street didn’t exist in the 50s, this song fits the Wakefield’s perception of themselves so well: A, you're adorable; B, you're so beautiful; C, you're a cutie full of charms; D, you're a darling; And E, you're exciting and so on, ad nauseam. After a little more puke inducing perfection in the form of the twins intro passage we move onto the next dinner topic, which is the twins sorority Pi Beta Alpha (PBA).

Jessica is gushing like a ready to pop zit, but what’s weird here is how her parents even care about what she does at high school. In my youth, if I was all pent up and had to unload at the dinner table about my teenage wonderland, all my dad had to say about it was ‘would you shut up your yapping with all your teeny-bopper crap.’ Whatever. PBA is pledging new members. Jessica is putting up Amy, who mainly passes muster in the PBA universe because her head consists of teddy bear stuffing.

Concerning the PBA, Alice notes “I just hope you girls remember to be considerate of other people’s feelings. I imagine that getting cut must be extremely painful.” Oh Alice, you poor deluded soul. When ever has a teenage club existed not for the purposes of keeping people OUT. The No Homers club and the Against Taffy Sinclair club were just prototypes for PBA. Although, how exclusive is this sorority if they let in Enid and Caroline Pearce? Next thing they'll be letting in Lois Waller and Betsy Martin, and before you know it there goes the neighbourhood. ‘Think of the property values. Now the twins can never say only beautiful people have been in their house.’

In the next scene our eminence, Lila, graces us. The PBA meeting is at her house. All the girls are gossiping to beat the band and Lila wants them to all drink a nice warm cup of shut the hell up. Maybe this would help you, Lila:


Sandra Bacon is sitting at the back of the meeting, bogged down in morose meanderings of how she is 137 kinds of fugly compared to all the girls at the meeting and especially to Jean West. Although in most of the other books Jean and Sandra seem on par with each other popularity and looks-wise, now Sandra feels inferior to Jean and wants to keep PBA for herself (which Jean is not a member of).

So we spend the next 130 pages reading about how Sandra doesn’t rate next to Jean in looks--mostly due to the fact that even though on the cover Sandra looks blond, I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match, if you get my drift. Sandra feels oh, so guilty about wanting to bar Jean from PBA. “Jean was her best friend, and she knew her feelings were wrong. She was being disloyal to the girl she cared about most in the world.” Sweet merciful crap, Sandra, do you think Jessica gives a sweet damn when she’s screwing over Liz big time, the sister she supposedly cares about most in the world? Just accept you’re the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched, and move on. Seriously, the rest of the PBA meeting scene goes on like this. I might have more sympathy for Sandra if she didn’t believe she was such a complete Grug (compare the below pic to the book cover, creeeepy resemblance):


Chapter Two opens on Sandra and Jean at the Sweet Valley high swimming pool, during water-ballet practice. Since they are showing off their hottie hotness in swimming cozzies, Bruce has enlisting 1bruce1 to hide in the bushes and take photos. 1bruce1, ever the gentleman, thinks this is for the yearbook--but knowing Bruce as well as I do, I think 1bruce1’s been had. The girls discuss the PBA pledge tasks, such as the annual scamming some poor sod as your pity date at a PBA party. 1bruce1’s metaphorical ears perk up at ‘pity date.’ Sandra muses internally that she’ll have to find a guy for Jean that’ll be sure to turn her down mwa ha ha.

Sandra doesn’t have to search for that long before she’s in the school’s caf with Elizabeth and our prince among men, Winston. Liz invites them to Steven’s coming home party cause there’s nothing more exciting then finding out the only people attending your party are your younger sister’s friends. High school kids are so 80s. Then Winston mentions (for no apparent reason beyond being convenient to this book’s plot) that Tom McKay ventured a hello in Jean’s direction that morning and she totally blew him off. He was not pleased. The wheels turn in Sandra’s feeble brain…well, at least it isn’t Amy planning a friend betrayal, for if it was her, she’d still be sitting at the caf table 110 pages later with the wheels still turning in her brain. The only reason Amy’s joining the sorority is because words are hard! and the phrase ‘PBA’ is much easier to remember when talking to boys about interests and stuff.

Now let us pause a moment for the snarkable joy that is Tom McKay. The ghostwriters seemed to make a hasty move when they took Tom McKay over to the gay side, considering he's been straight for 74 novels...or has he? [insert creepy cackling]. Everything he says before #75 has a double meaning. Is he a straight gay guy, is he a gay straight guy, or is he just a moment of bad planning? You decide. (I would so love it if Tom’s sexuality was a Choose Your Own Adventure novel). Still, anytime Tom McKay’s name is mentioned I have this mental image of Bruce, Todd, Winston, Ken, Jeffy, and Tom lined up against a wall somewhere and this is the music playing: One of these things is not like the others, not like the others, not like the others. Can you tell which thing is not like the others? Although I’m a little confused as to how Tom could possibly be gay as all Sweet Valley males appear to have the anatomy of a Ken doll--what is going in where exactly, in those hot-handed fumblings out at Miller’s Point?

Be prepared, I’m going to ride the Tom McKay horse until it’s lame. Set your gaydar on stun.

After the cafeteria conversation, Sandra runs straight to Lila and says Tom just has to be Jean’s pity date for her first pledge task. Lila, who likes Jean and wants her to make it into the sorority, doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Sandra says Jean could get any guy. “Well, I agree with you about ‘any guy,’” Lila said, wrinkling her brow. “But Tom?” Does Lila know something she's not telling us? Has she spotted Tom in the women's shoe section in her weekly hunt for the perfect pair of Manolo Blahnik's? Then we arrive at the moment in the book that I circled so heavily with my pen that I tore the page out: “He was exactly the kind of guy most girls dreamed about, but he seldom dated. The last girl he’d gone out with was Jessica Wakefield, and a few people joked that she had turned him off the female sex forever…” Oh, that Jess. It seems Tom was straight until she turned him. Maybe she could have that printed on t-shirts: turning 'em gay since '86. Although something tells me Tom chose Sno Balls over Hostess Cup Cakes way back when they were handing them out at grade school parties.

Later, Sandra tells Jean that Tom is chosen to be her pity date, and Jean is all nofe air! Nofe air! Nofe air! Sandra thinks Jean’s onto her JessÔ Deviousness and says she had to choose a difficult pity date or the rest of the PBA would think she’s making it easy for her best friend. Jean, having eagerly borrowed Liz’s doormat and wiped her feet on it, says she understands. Lila joins them and suggests they corner Tom after his tennis match that afternoon.

Cut to Jessica and Cara. Both have taken time out from their heathering to discuss Steven’s coming home party. Cara offers to help but Jessica says that’s okay, the only things on her list for party supplies are a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. But Cara can’t concentrate. She is hand to forehead bereft. Steven has told her he’s quitting the Sweet Valley series and is going to work on the Love Boat. Apparently he didn’t get the memo that it was cancelled in 1986.

Back to Sandra, Jean, and Lila, who have found Tom just as he’s finished his tennis match. Lila asks him to keep them company, and Tom protests, “I should probably sit with the team. Coach says--” Bart, I mean Jean, interrupts with ‘Something about a bunch of guys alone together on a tennis court... seems kinda gay.’ Tom’s a little confused by Jean’s attention (well, any girl’s attention, really) but decides to explore exile from guyville for a while and sits with the girls. They talk tennis, then segue into Jean’s pity date. She asks him to go with her to Cara’s PBA party on Saturday night. “Tom looked astounded. ‘With you?’ he repeated blankly”:

Crickets are heard in the distance.

Tumbleweeds blow by.

A tree falls in the woods.

Tom is still wearing a blank look. But he finally he thinks, with a tilt to his head, what would 1bruce1 do? and responds, telling Jean yes. Sandra looks none the happier.

Later that night--well, I suppose it’s later that night, they never say. Does the time-space continuum apply in Sweet Valley? Anyway, Sandra and Jean have gone all sleepover friends in the West’s living room, and after scarfing down oodles of Onion Soup-Olives-Bacon-Bits-and-Sour-Cream Dip they talk PBA. Jean feels like she’s been whacked senseless with the lucky stick--she’s acing tests, been chosen to start the dancing at the Friday the Thirteenth dance, and now she practically has Tom McKay falling in her lap (even if he doesn’t know what to do with it while he’s there). They’ve been talking on the telephone and having a grand ole time. It must be LUV. I've read it too many times to ignore it. Is it something that I'm supposed to see? Someday we'll all find it, the rainbow connection…[Sorry. Some people have acid flashbacks, I have Sesame Street flashbacks.] So Sandra’s upset her nefarious plan to thwart Jean’s PBA membership is going pear shaped, but she also feels guilty about her treachery.

The ghostwriters can’t bring on Casa Wakefield fast enough. BMOC Steven has arrived home, like a battery to be recharged by his family’s unending praise and love of the Wakefield lineage. We’ve fallen back into 50s Americana, with a plot line that might have flown in a 50s novel (and been original in that era, too). Stevie-boy wants to quit higher learning and, as it’s been noted above, work on the Love Boat. The ’rents protest, Steven wheels out the Jess-HissyÔ and flits from the room to go cry in his pillow. Before the dust has settled, Liz chimes in with an era appropriate solution to the Steven problem. Get Hayley Mills on the phone, they’re going to parent trap him. Everyone, Sweet Valley-wide, will pretend that they don’t care if Steven leaves and with a dash of reverse psychology they’ll trick him into staying in Sweet Valley. Oooooh, the hi-jinks they’ll get up to…meh, I’m tired of plot B already. Stick a fork in it, it’s done.

Sandra heads over to the Valley Mall, to find Tom where he works at the Tennis Shop. The Tennis Shop is located between Stoner’s Pot Palace and One Night Stan’s. Sandra figures she’ll nip Jean and Tom’s romance in the bud. Oh so casually browsing through the tennis store, she ‘bumps’ into Tom. Sandra assumes her Jess-InnocenceÔ tone of voice and brings up the PBA pledge tasks, such as wearing silly clothes to school, getting a pity date for the PBA party, etc. Tom’s all, wait a minute, I was invited to that party, and hey, isn’t Jean a PBA pledge? before Sandra runs out of the store in fake embarrassment. Being a complete bitch is such a hard job, isn’t it?

Tom is ToddPunch mad at this point. It’s obvious Jean is using him. And here he thought she’d be the perfect beard. So, this being Sweet Valley, revenge is always the more logical choice over explaining your hurt feelings in a forthright manner, and Tom decides to get even with Jean.

Onto plot B and Casa Wakefield: Elizabeth knocks on Steven’s door. Steven asks who it is. ‘It is I, your newest super hero. Three cheers for me, Captain Vegetable. Crunch, crunch, crunch!’ (kidding). Sneaky, sneaky Elizabeth wants to borrow Steven’s computer permanently now that he’ll be sailing off into the sunset on the Love Boat. Steven can’t understand his family’s complete turn around on the Love Boat thing, but he’s certain Cara will still scream and tear her hair out over his leaving, so he’s not backing down.

It’s the night of the PBA party and Jean is working those bad 80s fashions like there’s no tomorrow. She’s waiting for Tom to pick her up and musing how there’s something special between her and him. Hey, maybe love can exist beyond callously using a guy to get into a sorority. And she’s not Jessica, so she took the time to say two words to him before deciding there’s a future between them, so I can work with it. But something’s amiss, Tom’s really late. Oh noes!

Tom finally calls and Jean shrieks, actually shrieks, where are you? Because that’s always sexy in a date. He bullshits her like he has Jess whispering sweet excuses in his ear. This phone tag goes on for several hours until Jean’s a basket case. (Oh for the days when being stood up by a date was a cause to break out the straight razors and run a bath). Apparently Tom’s so ‘sick’ he had to go to the hospital.

Finally Jean goes to the party alone and explains to the PBA girls she’s been stood up. Sandra’s one squee! away from nirvana, thinking Jean won’t be accepted into the sorority. Even Amy had time to put down her flash cards and little golden books and drag her pity date, Aaron Dallas, to the party. The girls accept the Tom’s sick excuse, which doesn’t please Sandra. She gets Jean to call the hospital, and to Jean’s utter humiliation, Tom isn’t there. Jean’s failed the pledge task. The girls like Jean so much they give her another substitute pledge task, which Sandra says isn’t fair. Uh oh, Sandra’s betrayal is out the open. Jean, in the way of teenage girls around the world, decides she’ll hate Sandra forever and ever and ever.

Across the room, Cara is keeping up with the parent trap hi-jinks, pretending she thinks maybe she and Steven should break up if he’s going to spend months at a time on the Love Boat. But hey, they can still be friends. “Like hell we will” Steven retorts. Be still my beating a heart. Is that a semi-curse word used in the world of Sweet Valley? That’s like the Cookie Monster dropping the F-bomb in the middle of the C is for Cookie song, or Kermit sexually harassing Miss Piggy and saying she asked for it after acting the way she has all those years--something to remember and reminisce over in my old age.

The next day Jean plans her substitute pledge task. She’ll act like she believed Tom was sick, get him to love her even more, ask him to the Friday the Thirteenth dance, and then dance the opening dance with another guy while the PBA point and laugh at Tom. It’s teenage behaviour like this that illustrates why kids bring semi-automatics to school. Jean goes to Tom’s house with a care package: some mascara, an issue of Stud Puppy, a bottle of Perrier, a Joan Crawford post card, and a candy dish. When Jean arrives, Tom’s so obviously not sick, but Jean lays the caring attitude on thick.

No wonder Tom’s confused about girls. So far Jessica, Sandra, and now Jean have used him as a pawn in their teenage dramas. And in a later book he’ll have to deal with Amy’s inept manipulations. I get the feeling Tom isn’t attracted to guys so much as he really isn’t attracted to Sweet Valley girls. Still, he falls for Jean’s shtick, promises her a special treat at school tomorrow, and even talks to her in a husky voice. You know it’s serious when the ghostwriter breaks out the husky voice--using a husky voice is the closest Francine has ever come to admitting that guys get erections.

The B plot rears its ugly head for a while. You know the drill. By this point Steven is wondering why don’t they love me enough to want me to stay. I guess the parent trap is working. Sheesh.

Sandra finds Jean near her locker at school the next day. While Sandra doesn’t admit her ulterior motives (her ugmosity, her jealously of Jean), she does apologise for her behaviour. Jean accepts. Sandra is overjoyed and vows “at once to give up her attempt to keep Jean out of the sorority.” Because she’s not Jessica, I believe her.

Tom reveals his special treat to Jean at lunch. His idea of a hot date is a picnic lunch on the front lawn of the high school. Jean’s reaction is pretty much mine: “No wonder Tom McKay didn’t have very many dates.” What is it with Tom? Is it the Sweet Valley air, does it have a swishifying effect on kids today? I mean, Bruce’d be half way to date raping her by now, with 1bruce1 lining up for sloppy seconds. Step up your game, Tom. Still, the picnic goes swimmingly and we segue into an afternoon date at the Clinton Falls amusement park. The big romantic moment occurs on the Ferris wheel. They swap spit and Tom speaks to her in a husky voice twice. I’m surprised Jean’s not pregnant by the time they come down.

We plot B it for a few pages. There’s a surprise ‘Bon Voyage’ party for Steven in the works. Keep Saturday on your calendar free.

Now Jean is conflicted. She wants to be in the PBA but she doesn’t want to betray Tom to get there. After discussing the situation with Sandra, Jean decides PBA isn’t worth it. She admits she only wanted to join to be closer to Sandra. Sandra feels about two inches tall. This is all her fault. She realises her insecurity around Jean is her own problem. Now if only there was something she could do to fix this mess.

After school Jean and Tom hang out in the McKay’s backyard, loved-up and watching the clouds float by. Jean is thinking a couple of weeks ago she would never have believed she could be so happy. Tom is thinking about Bruce. Since love means never having to say you’re sorry, Jean admits using Tom as a PBA pity date, and Tom admits faking his sickness. He also reveals Sandra tipped him off to the fact that he was Jean’s pity date. Ah, Sandra’s treachery is reveal. In the only spot of maturity shown in a teen girl’s series ever, Jean decides “she had no idea why Sandra would have wanted to keep her out of the sorority, but she felt it was up to Sandra to tell her about it if and when she was ready.” Jean you just graduated the teen genre and are ready for chick-lit.

Elizabeth’s spidey sense is tingling and she finds her way to the student lounge where Sandra is all woe is me. Well, it’s page 102 and Liz hasn’t helped anyone by now, so the ghostwriter just had to squeeze it in. Elizabeth has heard about Jean’s mean plot to embarrass Tom, but Sandra says it’s all her fault and she should burn in hell and so forth. She doesn’t explain beyond that, running away crying, and leaves Elizabeth mostly in the dark. “Elizabeth guessed it wasn’t a good idea to criticize Jean’s scheme in front of Sandra. She had seen loyalty before, but Sandra was really going overboard.” Liz, three words. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Apparently Mr Collins perve sense was tingling too, because he finds a bereft Sandra before English class. Sandra begins “suppose you’d done something rotten--I mean really rotten--to someone you care a lot about…” And he’s thinking oh crap, she knows about the webcams. But his pulse rate returns to normal when she reveals she’s done Jean wrong. Mr Collins asks for particulars--probably so he can Dear Diary it later in the privacy of his own home. Cause you just know he keeps a scrapbook on Liz and other SV hotties. But Sandra won’t divulge details, and he gives her the standard ‘do the right thing’ spiel.

Then we interrupt for some plot B-ness. Steven wants to have a serious talk with the ’rents but they blow him off. Then on the phone, Cara is all light and airy about the idea of breaking up with Steven. Their indifference to his existence is enough to convince Steven to stick around Sweet Valley. The parent trap is sprung. The sheer stupidity of SV characters makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.

Tom picks up Jean the night of the Friday the Thirteenth dance. Ah, the dance. What’s a Sweet Valley denouement without a dance or party, I ask you? Jean’s excited about Tom’s company--but nervous about Sandra’s betrayal and showing up the PBA when she doesn’t go through with embarrassing Tom. And it’s her birthday, no less.

At the dance, Jessica, Lila, and Cara descend on Jean like the witches of Macbeth, cackling and rubbing their hands with glee at the havoc Jean is supposedly about to wreak on Tom’s self esteem and general sanity. These girls really need some hobbies. Or therapy. But it’s the best Jean has to work with when these are the people in her neighbourhood. A bunch of bitches are the people in her neighbourhood, in her neighbourhood, in her neigh-bour-hood. The PBA master-plan is: since it’s Jean’s birthday, she’ll lead the first dance and choose a guy to accompany her--cruelly choosing someone other than Tom. It’s kind of a crappy plan now I think about it. But this is Sweet Valley. Go with it.

Jean is called onto the dance floor and a crowd surrounds her. She’s asked to choose her mystery date. Will she pick the dud? You betcha. She picks Tom. And they dance. The PBA’s are flummoxed and after the dance they surround Jean with fury in their eyes. It’s the Lord of the Flies, sixteen-year-old-girl-style. Jean is persona non grata and out of the PBA for good. But then Sandra reveals how she’s plotted for the whole book to keep Jean out of the PBA, and she’s the one who should be kicked out. Tearfully Sandra and Jean apologise to each other, and hug like Bruce Patman’s paying them. Sandra’s so happy her problems are solved she could just:

for joy.

So we end with Sandra and Jean BFF, PBA forgiving them both and allowing them into the sorority, and Jean and Tom living happily ever after (well, until book #75 anyway--and in SV years that’s a looong time). And Plot B dies a quiet death when Cara and Steven turn up at his ‘Bon Voyage’ surprise party, and a caterer enters the room with his arms weighed down by cream pies, announcing five…cream…pies before falling down. Then Steven explains he’s staying in the Valley after all. Oh, and Jeffy pops his head in and says hi before being shunted off some thirty-odd books later. Read about Jeffy in SVH #31 Taking Sides. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! And that’s the song of five!

For surviving my somewhat epic recap here’s a quote from The Simpsons about Sesame Street which has nothing to do with Sweet Valley:
Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question I don't know.

And in honour of Tom McKay, here’s a game to find out your drag queen name. It’s ‘the name of the first pet you had and the name of the first street you lived on.’ So my drag queen name is Charlie Murphy. What’s yours?

This recap was brought to you by the letter ‘S’ S is for Sociopath, that’s good enough for me…

The end.