Sweet Valley Jr. High #10 - Twin Switch
(This is my first recap, yay!)
This book is great because you'd think by the time they're 13-14, Liz and Jess might've developed some distinct differences, but apparently not.
As a note, I was only an argument between my parents during the 80's (born in 1993, yo), so this was the Sweet Valley I grew up with. Imagine my surprise when I delved into the world of Crazy Margo and Sociopath Jessica. My head exploded.
"Yes!" Jessica says. "I'll do it!" That is the first thing you see when you open this book. (Other than the whole SWEET VALLEY WAS IMMACULATELY CONCEIVED BY FRANCINE PASCAL IN 1983.) My mind immediately goes somewhere dirty, but it turns out Jess is just agreeing to be on Kristin Seltzer's poster-making committee. I'm disappointed. Jessica laments that in this year, she has been the victim of a terrible tragedy: she's been transferred. God, no. Sweetie, that's nothing, just wait until your junior year of high school. Jess is upset that now, she's not invited to any wild parties (how wild can a party given by eighth graders be, anyway?), she's not part of a really tight group of superbitches friends, and no guys are willing to emasculate themselves for her. She's just an "average, semiaccepted new girl."
There must be something in the water at SVJH. It's the only explanation for why her aqua blue eyes, sun streaked blonde hair, and size-six body haven't been noticed by all of the school.
Anyway, Jess agrees to make a ton of posters, because SVJH will be playing the Redwood Dolphins (Big Mesa obviously doesn't have a junior high) and they need spirit. She then hops on her bus (she takes the bus, people) and speeds away.
We then switch to Kristin's POV, where we discover that she's secretly emo and insecure of herself. See, Kristin is NOT a size six (and Jessica associates with her? What?) and she's worried that her kindasortanotreallyboyfriend Brian Rainey doesn't like her the way she likes him. Because she's a little pudgy? Okay, tell me where this girl was hiding for the first 10220215 SVH books. You'd think an overweight person would be the talk of Sweet Valley. Maybe she lost weight and joined up as a Plot Point.
But Kristin's going to finally get her big opportunity to find out, because there's a - wait for it - dance coming up! Yes, the Homecoming dance, which actually is quite appropriately timed, as this is probably a couple of months into the year. Thank you, ghostwriter, for getting a decent timeline going here. (Actually, I'm pretty sure there are only three or four dances in the entire series. Interesting.) Kristin is so sure Brian's going to ask her, she's having doubts. Of course, she could always ask him, but that would be the logical thing to do, and logic obviously doesn't have a place in Sweet Valley. According to Kristin, Homecoming is the social event, so if Brian asks her, she'll know for sure. That's kind of sad, actually. I can think of a million things I'd rather do for social fulfillment than go to a school dance.
We then get a timeline of Wednesday, after Jessica completes her super awesome posters. They're all glittery and stuffs. Because I think we all know 13-year-old Jessica is the blue-glitter type. I think the writer just got lazy and didn't want to write the events out in narrative.
But just as Jessica is beaming at the idea of her best poster, which reads "Kill the Dolphins!", one of the science teachers has opened to an article called "Taking a Stand for Ecology." HINT HINT FORESHADOWING LOOK HOW SUBTLE THIS BOOK IS. The science teacher is so moved by this article that she goes off to copy it, and runs into Jessica in the hall. Jessica is conveniently taping up her "Kill the Dolphins!" poster. Science Teacher gets all purple in the face and insists that Jessica's moved up (or is it down?) from torturing humans to torturing animals. She drags Jess to the principal's office by her ear. Jessica is horrified and humiliated and that should not make me as happy as it does.
We now switch to Damon, the hottest and most super-sensitive guy in all of SVJH. He's in the principal's office, waiting for a lecture. Why? Because he lives in a trailer park and has two little sisters and his mom works a bajillion jobs and his dad is off being deadbeat in LA. Therefore, Damon can't make it to school on time. But it's okay that he's late almost all the freaking time, because while waiting for a lecture, he gets to have Jessica Wakefield's "amazing blue-green eyes" aimed right at him. The way that's phrased, I almost think she's going to shoot lasers out of them and burn this dude to a crisp.
Principal Todd is fat, by the way.
But the REAL reason Jessica is lasering Damon with her aqua blue-green turquoise hypnotizing eyes is because Science Teacher brought her in to inform the principal that Jessica Wakefield kills animals, eats them for breakfast, and uses their nutrients to torture people in happy relationships. The principal doesn't get it. Damon is too woozy under the Wakefield Gaze (TM) to have any real opinion, other than thinking that Jessica is amazing every two or three lines.
Jessica, though, defends herself, causing Science Teacher to break out in a rash. ST insists that "team spirit doesn't have be presented in a manner that condones the senseless slaughter of another species." You know what's sad? I actually picked up most of my vocabulary by reading these books. Jessica says that, y'know, maybe the dolphins aren't really being killed. Maybe they're being netted to take them to, like, Sea World. Except for the part where the poster says "Kill the Dolphins!" But that's a minor detail.
Principal Fatass Todd is only slightly swayed and decides that the best punishment to dole out to the Resident Wakefield Sociopath is to have her be the chairperson of the Homecoming dance committee!!!11one!1eleventyone!!1
...I'm sorry. WHAT? Seriously. What kind of moron is running that school? If I wrote "Kill the Dolphins!" on a poster, my bio teacher would throw me out the window of our third-story classroom.
Damon is so inspired by Jessica's performance that he also weasels out of punishment. His last thought before his section ends is, "No wonder I like Jessica so much -- she's inspiring." Ahahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHA.
Meanwhile, Liz is at her Zone meeting. What a lame name. I might accept that if it was written as ZONE so I could pretend Liz was in a band, but as it is, I can't. Liz laughs so hard, she gets hiccups, which only makes them all laugh harder. Way to make light of someone's repeated spasmodic contractions of their diaphragm, guys. Salvador giggles, which is kind of disturbing. According to Liz, the reason they laugh so much is because they write lots of "funny, spoofy" things in Zone, which means that it's probably the most boring publication on the planet. (Oh who am I kidding. When I was little, I wanted to start something like Zone with my friends so we could publish our Elizabeth-Wakefield-level works.)
Brian calls football players brainless clones. Salvador is afraid they'll come beat him up. I really don't know who would be afraid of a bunch of guys wearing shoulder pads and Lycra tights, but we later find out Anna harbors a hatred towards Freddie Prinze Jr.'s eyebrows, so anything's possible in Sweet Valley.
Just as they're all laughing over this witticism, Jessica busts in with her awesome news. Elizabeth sums up what I think we're all thinking: "Only Jessica could start out with detention and end up as head of the dance committee. Talk about luck." Truer words, Liz. As a matter of fact, it smells suspiciously of Plot Pointage. But that can't be, Sweet Valley NEVER has plot points! EVERYTHING is built up in a logical and believable way! I mean, God forbid Jessica actually apply to be on the dance committee.
Jessica basically gets on her knees and begs Elizabeth to help her plan the dance of the century, though I don't know why. I mean, this is Elizabeth. She likes to read. (In defense, I like to read myself, and that's precisely why I never ever planned a dance in my life.) Jessica then basically bribes Brian with the promise of Kristin if he joins her dance committee. He tries to stand his ground, but he's no match for the Wakefield Persuasion Tactics, which consist of name-dropping Kristin every other sentence. Brian agrees. Jessica skips out. Salvador dryly notes how Jessica was totally all over him and Anna to join the dance committee. Anna flips her hair. Elizabeth thinks about how much happier Jessica would be if she had friends like Elizabeth's. I don't know, I kind of have a thing for Bethel and we all know how great Lila is.
Meanwhile, Damon is skulking around a bookstore. What's his nefarious plan? Why, he wants to buy a copy of the magazine TeenTalk so he can figure out what girls like when they go on dates. That way, when he gets off his ass and asks Jessica to Homecoming, she'll have the time of her life. Note he hasn't asked her yet. I mean, she's only Jessica Wakefield, how many guys can be after her at one time? Why Damon can't just ask someone for help (for God's sake, he's got a mom, doesn't he?) is beyond me, but that would actually make sense, and therefore not an option. He gets busted by Brian, but then we find out that Brian too likes to read that magazine. It helps him on those bad hair days. We've all been there, Brian. It's okay.
We then get a condensed version of Jessica running around getting everyone to join her committee. Kristin is hesitant, but Jessica uses her Persuasion Tactics and Brian's name gets Kristin to join. What great friends. Bethel isn't too keen on the idea, but agrees anyway because she's Jessica's friend. Ronald Rheece, who is like Winston in precalculus, basically gets on HIS knees to join the committee. Jessica asks Damon, and he agrees. Do I sense personality conflict, yes I do.
THE FIRST MEETING
Goes like crap. Basically, it's like this:
JESSICA: Okay! Let's get to work. I have a lot of ideas and --
KRISTIN: You know what your problem is, Bethel?
BETHEL: What the hell, bitch? You won the election already! You're shallow as hell, but you won!
KRISTIN: I am not shallow!
BRIAN: I agree with Bethel.
KRISTIN: What?!
RONALD: Jessica, jump! I'll catch you!
DAMON: Later dudes.
JESSICA: Ronald, go away!
KRISTIN: *bickers*
BETHEL: *bickers*
BRIAN: *sides with Bethel*
JESSICA: -___- Okay, you know what? Everyone just go home. Now. *angsts about Damon leaving early*
It turns out that the reason Damon left early was so that he could go to the mall and follow the trendy advice of teen girls to make Homecoming perfect for Jessica. Note that, again, he hasn't even asked her yet. But that's not going to be a problem, because in this series, Jessica has like no friends, so it's okay! Sarah, a high-school sophomore, loves when her date shows up in a totally "killer" outfit. Ouch. Please tell me I didn't pick that up from reading these books when I was six.
On the bright side, Damon wears jeans.
On the not-so-bright side, the first thing he lasers in on upon entering the store is a pair of iridescent blue-green pants. Why? Because they remind him of Jessica's eyes. Thankfully, a worried saleswoman steps in. Damon finds out he's pretty hot. He's also broke, and ends up only buying a soft gray T-shirt instead of a whole outfit. The shirt actually sounds really nice. I'd go to the dance with him if he wore it!
THE SECOND MEETING
Is even worse. It takes place at Casa Wakefield, so if all else fails, we have Liz to step in and save the day. ( Wonder Girl, anyone?)
BETHEL: Look at me, I'm mature!
KRISTIN: You suck. *poutpout*
BRIAN: I'm with Bethel on this one.
KRISTIN: Whaaat? But - but -
RONALD: *stuffs face with popcorn*
DAMON: You're gonna get fat. (By the way, his blue eyes smolder as he says this. I am not making this up. I wish I was. Also, can I add that there is a disturbingly large amount of guys in SV with blue eyes and dark hair, despite the low genetic probablity of that combination?)
RONALD: AM NOT!
JESSICA: Um, guys -
RONALD: So, Jessica, you know what would be awesome? If we built a dinoland in the middle of the gym.
JESSICA: Hell no. GUYS -
EVERYONE: FIGHT FIGHT BITCH BITCH BICKER
JESSICA: Okay, you know what? Everyone just go home. Now.
ELIZABETH: Wtf why are you all leaving? I MADE POPCORN, DAMMIT.
Jessica desperately asks Elizabeth what to do. But guess what? "For once, [her] levelheaded, voice-of-reason twin didn't have an answer." Levelheaded? Really?
Kristin is paranoid and calls Jessica in the wee hours. Jessica, not being a morning person, pretty much goes, "Brian likes YOU, bitch. Now stfu and let me sleep."
Jessica is willing to sell herself for help now, but first tries Liz again. Liz once again refuses. She does, however, point out that Jessica is "tough" and "resourceful." And evil. Jessica points out that Liz is "organized" and "serious." Heh. Heh. Heh. Jessica takes her moping to another room.
Sensing that Liz is alone and helpless, bitchy editor Charlie Roberts (who is a girl, and a total bitch. Did I say that already?) approaches her, thinking she's Jessica. She asks for a quote about how the dance is going. Liz panics briefly, but then remembers that she is, after all, Saint Elizabeth of Sweet Valley. She plays along and gives a quote, thinking that it'll make Jessica's life that much easier. Charlie writes it down, smirks, and then walks on. I'm going to point out right here that Charlie Roberts is probably a student, so that makes her 15, tops, and she wears dark lipstick, horn-rimmed glasses, and drinks coffee. Not that 15-year-olds don't do any of the above, but at the same time? She's 15, people, not 25...unless, of course, the editors of the school paper aren't the students. In which case, I go to a seriously warped high school...you know what? I'm confused. Let's move on. I'm not going to bother trying to figure out all the kinks in this plot.
Jessica's an alto, by the way. Did you know that? I didn't.
THE THIRD MEETING
In which the shit hits the fan.
JESSICA: *is conveniently late*
KRISTIN: I'm the president. So I'm second in command.
BETHEL: O RLY?
RONALD: Jessica and I are having locker sex. I'M second in command.
JESSICA: O RLY?
RONALD: whoops.
JESSICA: *is mean*
COMMITTEE: *cowers*
RONALD: I want dinoland.
KRISTIN: Dinoland sucks. Jessica thinks it sucks too.
JESSICA: I'm diplomatic.
KRISTIN: Oh, come on, don't be so nice. We all know that no one wants dinoland, lolololol!
RONALD: *is about to cry*
KRISTIN: I'm immature!
BETHEL: Fuck you, Kristin! Hey, I'm not helping this situation AT ALL!
DAMON: Someone get me out of here please save me get me out of here
COMMITTEE: *fights*
JESSICA: *cries and runs out of cafeteria*
COMMITEE: *guilts briefly then fights some more, before going their separate ways*
KRISTIN: *grabs a Plot Point from the table before leaving*
Charlie Roberts predictably writes a totally bitchy article that makes Jessica look totally incompetent, despite the fact that it's Liz's fault. She pretty much trashes Jessica and the committee throughout the entire thing, and then closes it off with "But that's just one reporter's opinion." What? My English teacher would've kicked her ass for writing something like that.
Damon is once again taking advice from TeenTalk. This time, 14-year-old Sharon says that her favorite thing is when her date shows up with a dozen roses in hand for her. (What the hell? I'm 14, and the only flower I ever got from a guy was a dandelion with the puffs all blown off. In kindergarten.) But Damon is, of course, broke, so he reserves a bunch of daisies. He thinks they're spunky and cute. Like Jessica. Wow. The Wakefield Gaze really did a number on him, didn't it? Oh, and by the way, he still hasn't even asked her.
Meanwhile, Jessica insists she can't run the dance. Not after that fight. Liz nervously asks her if she's read the article yet. Jessica is like, "Wtf, you know I don't read." Liz basically throws it at her, and Jessica gets all wide-eyed and insistent that she didn't say that at all! Your dad's a lawyer, sweetheart. You could sue! Except she can't because Liz is like, "UhyeahIdid." Jessica bemoans her fate, and Liz wails that she was only trying to help!
But there is hope! Jessica's pants give Liz a brilliant idea - they can SWITCH PLACES. You'd think people would have figured out that there are differences between the twins by now, but apparently not. Jessica is wary, pointing out that Liz NEVER wants to switch places. She always has to beg for it. Liz is like, "Well, yeah, but I totally screwed you over without you even doing anything to me, for once. So it's my duty to guilt and then meddle." Jessica is thrilled. Liz is like, "Shit, what have I done?" But it wouldn't be a Sweet Valley book without a miracle performed by St. Elizabeth, and she has to go ahead with it.
Liz then emails (email! How hip and modern of her!) Salvador and Anna to tell them that she's going to be acting completely insane and not to worry or be suspicious. I'd take that as a hint that my friend was planning a murder or something, but they just agree and use some Spanish to show how multicultural they all are.
They decide to test it out at lunch the next day. Jessica is all grossed out by the idea of sitting with Salvador and Anna, but Liz is like, "Look bitch, I'm willing to fix your entire dance problem for you. AND I'm wearing a pink tank dress. Sit the fuck with them." I wish. She instead is all, "Look, Jess, they're gonna think I'm blowing them off and I don't want them to be mad at meeeee." Oh, Liz. Jessica is whiny and bratty but does it anyway. She is then creeped out by Salvador, who is staring at her. The whole thing is really sad, and it's kind of depressing that anyone would think for a second that she's Liz.
Instead of just doing it in narrative, the characters all JOURNAL about Liz-as-Jessica. Well, Damon uses the back page of his notebook. Ronald has a computer journal because, lest we forget, he is a nerd. They also all manage to journal at 1:19 PM. That's just creepy.
Anyway, despite being totally taken in by Liz at lunch, the second she walks through the gym door, all the committee members notice that it's Liz, not Jessica. Wow. The SVJH kids actually have working brains. No wonder they never showed up in SVH. Nothing really happens, it just bounces between their POVs and their REALIZATION!!11! that it's Liz.
Liz races back to the bathroom (was Jessica seriously hiding in there this ENTIRE time? You'd think she'd go home by now, since Liz is doing everything) but before they can change, Anna busts in, grabs Jessica-as-Liz, and drags her off to the Zone meeting. Brian passes out an article he wrote about the dolphin incident. It's not a bad article, actually. It's way better than anything Liz ever wrote. (Though that doesn't really say much.) The group starts discussing whether or not they should soften it because of the Crazy Science Teacher. Jessica then nearly screws it all up by talking about herself, saying, "I didn't even really get in trouble. I just became head of the..." Salvador and Anna figure it out and they promise to keep it quiet and the switch goes off without any more hitches and everything is easier for everyone because they know and something logical has finally happened in Sweet Valley.
No, of course not. Jessica ad-libs, saying, "I just became head of the...Jessica fan club." I hope this girl doesn't go into acting. That was the worst improv I've ever heard/read/seen, and I work in a theater.
Surprisingly, no one calls her on this, despite how increasingly awkward it gets. Jessica basically pimps herself out. Salvador argues with her, which I think is kind of stupid. If he thinks she's Elizabeth, isn't he kind of defeating his chances with her by insulting her sister? Whatever. It's Sweet Valley logic. Let's move on. Anna is like, "STFU and vote on the article." I love Anna.
With Liz gone, the dance committee starts talking about the fact that Liz =/= Jess. Ronald futilely contests it because Liz is actually nice to him, and Damon does this creepy rant about how Jessica smells like peaches and Liz smells like raspberries. Stalker much? Ronald grudgingly admits that it had to be Liz, because no way in hell is Jessica that nice. Kristin finally realizes that the reason Liz is dressing up as Jess is because Jessica is pissed at the way they acted. She resolves to take control and make it a good dance. She calls Ronald first, and his mom is like, "OMG MY BABY BOY GOT A CALL FROM A GIRL" and drops the phone in her joy. Kristin makes Ronald swear not to have a dinoland at the dance (which makes me sad. I might've gone to my Homecoming dance if there was a dinoland). They resolve to make this a great dance for Jessica.
Bethel and Kristin call each other at the SAME TIME. They both admit they were immature and unnecessarily bitchy. Bethel convinces Kristin that Brian does really like her, and Kristin is happy. (See, now I want some Brian/Bethel action.) They resolve to make this a great dance for Jessica.
Kristin then calls Damon. Damon is like, "Wow, she really likes to talk." It's basically a rehash of everything she said to Ronald. She asks him to call Brian for her, because she's tying up the phone line. Which is such a lame excuse. We all know the real reason. They resolve to make this a great dance for Jessica.
After Kristin hangs up, Damon pulls out TeenTalk. Allison, fifteen, tells us the ultimate dance move. It's when you dance with a guy, and he leans in and says something totally romantic into your ear. Can't he just say it to your face? No? Okay. Damon visualizes this, but realizes - he doesn't know what to say.
Brian and Kristin both write out emails about how they feel about each other. Brian is apologetic. Kristin is betrayed. Neither of them send the emails, because doing so would mean actually resolving that plot.
When Liz arrives at the school on Saturday, everyone is getting along. She thinks they're saying her name kinda funny, but that must be her imagination. They don't have a clue! Right? Right. They've hired a DJ named Dr. Daddio, who has beads in his beard and wears a wraparound skirt. Liz refers to him as "the Doctor", which immediately makes me think, "Doctor Who?" Damon calls Brian "Bri", which kind of disturbs me. Brian's only two syllables, I don't think it really warrants a nickname.
Anyway, Ronald is putting his geekitude to good use, Bethel and Kristin are going shopping together, and everything is going swimmingly. So swimmingly, in fact, that Liz is starting to worry that they know who she is. But she immediately brushes it off. After all, Jessica is the paranoid twin, not her. She actually says this. Or thinks it. I don't know. Stupid first person. Damon drops a box of tacks and says, "Damn." I remember that this totally horrified me as a kid. Swearing! In a children's book! Le scandal!
After the swimmingly awesome meeting, Damon heads home and thinks about what he could say to Jessica. He considers these suave, romantic options:
"Jessica, your eyes are like pools of water." Just pools? Not the Pacific Ocean? Is someone getting pushed into these pools?
"Jessica, you are really cool." That's just awkward.
"Jessica, you smell great." How is that romantic?
"Jessica, I really, really ____ you." Insert word of choice here. Heh. "Insert."
While Liz masquerades as her, Jessica is at home, painting her toenails blue. I've never seen the point of painting your toenails, unless you wear open-toed shoes all the time. As this is Sweet Valley, where everyone is a rapist, I'd think most people would wear sneakers or the like for a quick getaway. I'm probably wrong.
Just then, Anna calls. Jessica tries her Elizabeth impression, but it turns out that whatever Anna is calling about was Liz's idea, and Jess has no idea what it is. Anna catches on and is like, "Are you really Elizabeth?" Jessica's like, "Well, who else would I be?" and Anna very bluntly goes, "Jessica." I love this girl. Jessica somehow uses the words "like" and "definitely" to convince Anna that she's Elizabeth. Anna buys it. When she bounces downstairs, Steven's like "Wait, are you Liz or Jessica?" He's their brother and he can't tell them apart? And the kids they've known for only a month can? I'm not sure if this says more about Steven or the SVJH kids.
Jess gets into the car, which is driven by Anna's mom. Which makes me go wtf, because as I recall, Anna's mom is clinically depressed and won't even leave the house until like the 20th book or around there. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be driving a car. Or putting up with the Wakefields. But Anna's mom is actually upbeat and reveals Elizabeth's plan: to go to the mall and put Zone on the counters. Thank you, non-depressed Mrs. Wang, for that exposition.
The second they get to the mall, Jessica grabs a stack and speeds away to stores like Fashion Train and AB/CD's. Wait, they name-drop Britney Spears in this series, but they don't have any chain stores? Jessica has to wait for the manager in Fashion Train and so wanders around looking at clothes while she waits. She realizes that she misses being shallow. She doesn't want to be Elizabeth anymore.
Once again, the writer is too lazy to narrate 7 days, so we get another timeline. Kristin begs Lacey Frells (who is a bitch and basically Lila Fowler with less money and less awesome) to get the local band, Splendora, to play during Doctor Who Daddio's one-hour break. The band agrees.
Bethel chases after who she thinks is Liz-as-Jessica, and then realizes that it's the real Jessica.
Kristin and Bethel go to Vito's (the new, SVJH-universe pizza place) to talk about the pizza deal. The owner's wife throws in some free stuff because Kristin and Bethel are so "cute together." Kristin/Brian/Bethel OT3?
Ronald and the English teacher install theatrical lights in the gym. An SVU engineering student who was a former SVJH student offers to set up a lights-and-laser show. Aw, techie geeks!
Liz prints out "fantastic flyers" that she made on her computer on neon paper. This book is from...*checks* 1999. Let's all imagine those flyers for a moment. *shudder*
Brian and Damon build a ten-foot wildcat. Damon has stolen his four-year-old sister's toy wildcat and tucks it under the ten-foot wildcat's arm. This is quite elaborate for a Homecoming dance. Imagine the formals at SVJH.
Liz leaves, and the committee gathers round. They have resolved to make a great dance for Jessica. And it is. I mean, a ten-foot wildcat? You know this is going to be good. Except...no one knows if she's coming.
Saturday dawns. Kristin is in a crappy mood because of Brian. She's resolved to hate him forever and ever. He could die and she wouldn't care. But he hasn't called or spoken to her all week (even though there's clearly a part during a meeting where Brian is like I WANT TO TALK TO KRISTIN BUT SHE'S IGNORING ME ;_;) and that's pissing her off more. How dare he attempt to speak to her! But how dare he not call her!
Brian calls. Kristin gets all jumpy. They agree to dance together. Kristin thinks, "Brian is actually kind of sweet." So now they're happy and in love again? Oh, hormones.
Meanwhile, Jess is trying to talk Liz into wearing a dress of hers. What parallel universe have we fallen into? They argue back and forth about why Jessica should/shouldn't go to the dance. They are interrupted by the Homecoming committee, who have taken their stalkery behavior to the next level and have shown up at Casa de Wakefield. Liz tries to intercept them, but they're all, "You're nice, Liz, but we want Jessica." Liz "sucks in her breath. Oh no! They knew!"
Jessica is sitting on her bed wearing boxers and a T-shirt, when Damon appears in her doorway. Okay, raise your hand if you would be pissed if a guy - even the guy you liked - randomly showed up in your bedroom without invitation. Jess is mostly embarrassed, but they all start apologizing and she feels better. I don't know, I'd still be kind of mad. I mean, they could've at least knocked.
Jess is all, "But how did you know?! Me and Liz are IDENTICAL! Meaning we look the same!" Ronald says, "You have this thing you do with your eyes whenever I annoy you too much. Elizabeth never did it." I love you, Ronald. I'd date you. Damon mentions the peaches thing again, which is getting creepier every time he says it. It turns out the daisies he has? They're Jessica's favorite flower. How convenient. Their creepish knowledge of her gets Jessica to change and come to the dance. Yay stalkers!
At the dance, Kristin sways with Brian, thinking, "I was wrapped in Brian's arms, swaying to a slow song as a rainbow of colored lights cascaded over us. What could be more romantic?" Well, for one, you're in the school gym. That puts a damper on things, don't it? Principal Todd breaks up this romantic (cough) moment by saying, "And we have the greatest dance committee chairperson ever! Jessica Wakefield, will you please come up here?" Jess does, and is very humble and modest about it. It's shocking. Brian tries to dance with Kristin again, and she's like, "You can't just assume we're dancing together all the time." Brian's all, "I thought boyfriends and girlfriends danced together." Kristin's like, "Wait, WHAT?" and Brian's like, "Isn't that what we are?" and Kristin's like, "YES. But NO." Brian's like, "Okay. Fine. Kristin, will you be my girlfriend, in sickness and in health, till death do us part?" After putting up all that fuss, Kristin just goes, "Shut up and dance." How rude.
Oh, and we get about two pages on the Jessica/Damon thing. They dance together, and Jess is like, "This dance is the best ever." And Damon apparently does well under pressure, because he goes, "Jessica, YOU are the best ever." Jessica's last thought is, "His T-shirt was so soft." Deep, Jess. Deep.
And that's the end. This was actually my favorite SVJH book as a kid. I have no idea why. There is not enough Anna Wang for my tastes.
This book is great because you'd think by the time they're 13-14, Liz and Jess might've developed some distinct differences, but apparently not.
As a note, I was only an argument between my parents during the 80's (born in 1993, yo), so this was the Sweet Valley I grew up with. Imagine my surprise when I delved into the world of Crazy Margo and Sociopath Jessica. My head exploded.
"Yes!" Jessica says. "I'll do it!" That is the first thing you see when you open this book. (Other than the whole SWEET VALLEY WAS IMMACULATELY CONCEIVED BY FRANCINE PASCAL IN 1983.) My mind immediately goes somewhere dirty, but it turns out Jess is just agreeing to be on Kristin Seltzer's poster-making committee. I'm disappointed. Jessica laments that in this year, she has been the victim of a terrible tragedy: she's been transferred. God, no. Sweetie, that's nothing, just wait until your junior year of high school. Jess is upset that now, she's not invited to any wild parties (how wild can a party given by eighth graders be, anyway?), she's not part of a really tight group of superbitches friends, and no guys are willing to emasculate themselves for her. She's just an "average, semiaccepted new girl."
There must be something in the water at SVJH. It's the only explanation for why her aqua blue eyes, sun streaked blonde hair, and size-six body haven't been noticed by all of the school.
Anyway, Jess agrees to make a ton of posters, because SVJH will be playing the Redwood Dolphins (Big Mesa obviously doesn't have a junior high) and they need spirit. She then hops on her bus (she takes the bus, people) and speeds away.
We then switch to Kristin's POV, where we discover that she's secretly emo and insecure of herself. See, Kristin is NOT a size six (and Jessica associates with her? What?) and she's worried that her kindasortanotreallyboyfriend Brian Rainey doesn't like her the way she likes him. Because she's a little pudgy? Okay, tell me where this girl was hiding for the first 10220215 SVH books. You'd think an overweight person would be the talk of Sweet Valley. Maybe she lost weight and joined up as a Plot Point.
But Kristin's going to finally get her big opportunity to find out, because there's a - wait for it - dance coming up! Yes, the Homecoming dance, which actually is quite appropriately timed, as this is probably a couple of months into the year. Thank you, ghostwriter, for getting a decent timeline going here. (Actually, I'm pretty sure there are only three or four dances in the entire series. Interesting.) Kristin is so sure Brian's going to ask her, she's having doubts. Of course, she could always ask him, but that would be the logical thing to do, and logic obviously doesn't have a place in Sweet Valley. According to Kristin, Homecoming is the social event, so if Brian asks her, she'll know for sure. That's kind of sad, actually. I can think of a million things I'd rather do for social fulfillment than go to a school dance.
We then get a timeline of Wednesday, after Jessica completes her super awesome posters. They're all glittery and stuffs. Because I think we all know 13-year-old Jessica is the blue-glitter type. I think the writer just got lazy and didn't want to write the events out in narrative.
But just as Jessica is beaming at the idea of her best poster, which reads "Kill the Dolphins!", one of the science teachers has opened to an article called "Taking a Stand for Ecology." HINT HINT FORESHADOWING LOOK HOW SUBTLE THIS BOOK IS. The science teacher is so moved by this article that she goes off to copy it, and runs into Jessica in the hall. Jessica is conveniently taping up her "Kill the Dolphins!" poster. Science Teacher gets all purple in the face and insists that Jessica's moved up (or is it down?) from torturing humans to torturing animals. She drags Jess to the principal's office by her ear. Jessica is horrified and humiliated and that should not make me as happy as it does.
We now switch to Damon, the hottest and most super-sensitive guy in all of SVJH. He's in the principal's office, waiting for a lecture. Why? Because he lives in a trailer park and has two little sisters and his mom works a bajillion jobs and his dad is off being deadbeat in LA. Therefore, Damon can't make it to school on time. But it's okay that he's late almost all the freaking time, because while waiting for a lecture, he gets to have Jessica Wakefield's "amazing blue-green eyes" aimed right at him. The way that's phrased, I almost think she's going to shoot lasers out of them and burn this dude to a crisp.
Principal Todd is fat, by the way.
But the REAL reason Jessica is lasering Damon with her aqua blue-green turquoise hypnotizing eyes is because Science Teacher brought her in to inform the principal that Jessica Wakefield kills animals, eats them for breakfast, and uses their nutrients to torture people in happy relationships. The principal doesn't get it. Damon is too woozy under the Wakefield Gaze (TM) to have any real opinion, other than thinking that Jessica is amazing every two or three lines.
Jessica, though, defends herself, causing Science Teacher to break out in a rash. ST insists that "team spirit doesn't have be presented in a manner that condones the senseless slaughter of another species." You know what's sad? I actually picked up most of my vocabulary by reading these books. Jessica says that, y'know, maybe the dolphins aren't really being killed. Maybe they're being netted to take them to, like, Sea World. Except for the part where the poster says "Kill the Dolphins!" But that's a minor detail.
Principal Fatass Todd is only slightly swayed and decides that the best punishment to dole out to the Resident Wakefield Sociopath is to have her be the chairperson of the Homecoming dance committee!!!11one!1eleventyone!!1
...I'm sorry. WHAT? Seriously. What kind of moron is running that school? If I wrote "Kill the Dolphins!" on a poster, my bio teacher would throw me out the window of our third-story classroom.
Damon is so inspired by Jessica's performance that he also weasels out of punishment. His last thought before his section ends is, "No wonder I like Jessica so much -- she's inspiring." Ahahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHA.
Meanwhile, Liz is at her Zone meeting. What a lame name. I might accept that if it was written as ZONE so I could pretend Liz was in a band, but as it is, I can't. Liz laughs so hard, she gets hiccups, which only makes them all laugh harder. Way to make light of someone's repeated spasmodic contractions of their diaphragm, guys. Salvador giggles, which is kind of disturbing. According to Liz, the reason they laugh so much is because they write lots of "funny, spoofy" things in Zone, which means that it's probably the most boring publication on the planet. (Oh who am I kidding. When I was little, I wanted to start something like Zone with my friends so we could publish our Elizabeth-Wakefield-level works.)
Brian calls football players brainless clones. Salvador is afraid they'll come beat him up. I really don't know who would be afraid of a bunch of guys wearing shoulder pads and Lycra tights, but we later find out Anna harbors a hatred towards Freddie Prinze Jr.'s eyebrows, so anything's possible in Sweet Valley.
Just as they're all laughing over this witticism, Jessica busts in with her awesome news. Elizabeth sums up what I think we're all thinking: "Only Jessica could start out with detention and end up as head of the dance committee. Talk about luck." Truer words, Liz. As a matter of fact, it smells suspiciously of Plot Pointage. But that can't be, Sweet Valley NEVER has plot points! EVERYTHING is built up in a logical and believable way! I mean, God forbid Jessica actually apply to be on the dance committee.
Jessica basically gets on her knees and begs Elizabeth to help her plan the dance of the century, though I don't know why. I mean, this is Elizabeth. She likes to read. (In defense, I like to read myself, and that's precisely why I never ever planned a dance in my life.) Jessica then basically bribes Brian with the promise of Kristin if he joins her dance committee. He tries to stand his ground, but he's no match for the Wakefield Persuasion Tactics, which consist of name-dropping Kristin every other sentence. Brian agrees. Jessica skips out. Salvador dryly notes how Jessica was totally all over him and Anna to join the dance committee. Anna flips her hair. Elizabeth thinks about how much happier Jessica would be if she had friends like Elizabeth's. I don't know, I kind of have a thing for Bethel and we all know how great Lila is.
Meanwhile, Damon is skulking around a bookstore. What's his nefarious plan? Why, he wants to buy a copy of the magazine TeenTalk so he can figure out what girls like when they go on dates. That way, when he gets off his ass and asks Jessica to Homecoming, she'll have the time of her life. Note he hasn't asked her yet. I mean, she's only Jessica Wakefield, how many guys can be after her at one time? Why Damon can't just ask someone for help (for God's sake, he's got a mom, doesn't he?) is beyond me, but that would actually make sense, and therefore not an option. He gets busted by Brian, but then we find out that Brian too likes to read that magazine. It helps him on those bad hair days. We've all been there, Brian. It's okay.
We then get a condensed version of Jessica running around getting everyone to join her committee. Kristin is hesitant, but Jessica uses her Persuasion Tactics and Brian's name gets Kristin to join. What great friends. Bethel isn't too keen on the idea, but agrees anyway because she's Jessica's friend. Ronald Rheece, who is like Winston in precalculus, basically gets on HIS knees to join the committee. Jessica asks Damon, and he agrees. Do I sense personality conflict, yes I do.
THE FIRST MEETING
Goes like crap. Basically, it's like this:
JESSICA: Okay! Let's get to work. I have a lot of ideas and --
KRISTIN: You know what your problem is, Bethel?
BETHEL: What the hell, bitch? You won the election already! You're shallow as hell, but you won!
KRISTIN: I am not shallow!
BRIAN: I agree with Bethel.
KRISTIN: What?!
RONALD: Jessica, jump! I'll catch you!
DAMON: Later dudes.
JESSICA: Ronald, go away!
KRISTIN: *bickers*
BETHEL: *bickers*
BRIAN: *sides with Bethel*
JESSICA: -___- Okay, you know what? Everyone just go home. Now. *angsts about Damon leaving early*
It turns out that the reason Damon left early was so that he could go to the mall and follow the trendy advice of teen girls to make Homecoming perfect for Jessica. Note that, again, he hasn't even asked her yet. But that's not going to be a problem, because in this series, Jessica has like no friends, so it's okay! Sarah, a high-school sophomore, loves when her date shows up in a totally "killer" outfit. Ouch. Please tell me I didn't pick that up from reading these books when I was six.
On the bright side, Damon wears jeans.
On the not-so-bright side, the first thing he lasers in on upon entering the store is a pair of iridescent blue-green pants. Why? Because they remind him of Jessica's eyes. Thankfully, a worried saleswoman steps in. Damon finds out he's pretty hot. He's also broke, and ends up only buying a soft gray T-shirt instead of a whole outfit. The shirt actually sounds really nice. I'd go to the dance with him if he wore it!
THE SECOND MEETING
Is even worse. It takes place at Casa Wakefield, so if all else fails, we have Liz to step in and save the day. ( Wonder Girl, anyone?)
BETHEL: Look at me, I'm mature!
KRISTIN: You suck. *poutpout*
BRIAN: I'm with Bethel on this one.
KRISTIN: Whaaat? But - but -
RONALD: *stuffs face with popcorn*
DAMON: You're gonna get fat. (By the way, his blue eyes smolder as he says this. I am not making this up. I wish I was. Also, can I add that there is a disturbingly large amount of guys in SV with blue eyes and dark hair, despite the low genetic probablity of that combination?)
RONALD: AM NOT!
JESSICA: Um, guys -
RONALD: So, Jessica, you know what would be awesome? If we built a dinoland in the middle of the gym.
JESSICA: Hell no. GUYS -
EVERYONE: FIGHT FIGHT BITCH BITCH BICKER
JESSICA: Okay, you know what? Everyone just go home. Now.
ELIZABETH: Wtf why are you all leaving? I MADE POPCORN, DAMMIT.
Jessica desperately asks Elizabeth what to do. But guess what? "For once, [her] levelheaded, voice-of-reason twin didn't have an answer." Levelheaded? Really?
Kristin is paranoid and calls Jessica in the wee hours. Jessica, not being a morning person, pretty much goes, "Brian likes YOU, bitch. Now stfu and let me sleep."
Jessica is willing to sell herself for help now, but first tries Liz again. Liz once again refuses. She does, however, point out that Jessica is "tough" and "resourceful." And evil. Jessica points out that Liz is "organized" and "serious." Heh. Heh. Heh. Jessica takes her moping to another room.
Sensing that Liz is alone and helpless, bitchy editor Charlie Roberts (who is a girl, and a total bitch. Did I say that already?) approaches her, thinking she's Jessica. She asks for a quote about how the dance is going. Liz panics briefly, but then remembers that she is, after all, Saint Elizabeth of Sweet Valley. She plays along and gives a quote, thinking that it'll make Jessica's life that much easier. Charlie writes it down, smirks, and then walks on. I'm going to point out right here that Charlie Roberts is probably a student, so that makes her 15, tops, and she wears dark lipstick, horn-rimmed glasses, and drinks coffee. Not that 15-year-olds don't do any of the above, but at the same time? She's 15, people, not 25...unless, of course, the editors of the school paper aren't the students. In which case, I go to a seriously warped high school...you know what? I'm confused. Let's move on. I'm not going to bother trying to figure out all the kinks in this plot.
Jessica's an alto, by the way. Did you know that? I didn't.
THE THIRD MEETING
In which the shit hits the fan.
JESSICA: *is conveniently late*
KRISTIN: I'm the president. So I'm second in command.
BETHEL: O RLY?
RONALD: Jessica and I are having locker sex. I'M second in command.
JESSICA: O RLY?
RONALD: whoops.
JESSICA: *is mean*
COMMITTEE: *cowers*
RONALD: I want dinoland.
KRISTIN: Dinoland sucks. Jessica thinks it sucks too.
JESSICA: I'm diplomatic.
KRISTIN: Oh, come on, don't be so nice. We all know that no one wants dinoland, lolololol!
RONALD: *is about to cry*
KRISTIN: I'm immature!
BETHEL: Fuck you, Kristin! Hey, I'm not helping this situation AT ALL!
DAMON: Someone get me out of here please save me get me out of here
COMMITTEE: *fights*
JESSICA: *cries and runs out of cafeteria*
COMMITEE: *guilts briefly then fights some more, before going their separate ways*
KRISTIN: *grabs a Plot Point from the table before leaving*
Charlie Roberts predictably writes a totally bitchy article that makes Jessica look totally incompetent, despite the fact that it's Liz's fault. She pretty much trashes Jessica and the committee throughout the entire thing, and then closes it off with "But that's just one reporter's opinion." What? My English teacher would've kicked her ass for writing something like that.
Damon is once again taking advice from TeenTalk. This time, 14-year-old Sharon says that her favorite thing is when her date shows up with a dozen roses in hand for her. (What the hell? I'm 14, and the only flower I ever got from a guy was a dandelion with the puffs all blown off. In kindergarten.) But Damon is, of course, broke, so he reserves a bunch of daisies. He thinks they're spunky and cute. Like Jessica. Wow. The Wakefield Gaze really did a number on him, didn't it? Oh, and by the way, he still hasn't even asked her.
Meanwhile, Jessica insists she can't run the dance. Not after that fight. Liz nervously asks her if she's read the article yet. Jessica is like, "Wtf, you know I don't read." Liz basically throws it at her, and Jessica gets all wide-eyed and insistent that she didn't say that at all! Your dad's a lawyer, sweetheart. You could sue! Except she can't because Liz is like, "UhyeahIdid." Jessica bemoans her fate, and Liz wails that she was only trying to help!
But there is hope! Jessica's pants give Liz a brilliant idea - they can SWITCH PLACES. You'd think people would have figured out that there are differences between the twins by now, but apparently not. Jessica is wary, pointing out that Liz NEVER wants to switch places. She always has to beg for it. Liz is like, "Well, yeah, but I totally screwed you over without you even doing anything to me, for once. So it's my duty to guilt and then meddle." Jessica is thrilled. Liz is like, "Shit, what have I done?" But it wouldn't be a Sweet Valley book without a miracle performed by St. Elizabeth, and she has to go ahead with it.
Liz then emails (email! How hip and modern of her!) Salvador and Anna to tell them that she's going to be acting completely insane and not to worry or be suspicious. I'd take that as a hint that my friend was planning a murder or something, but they just agree and use some Spanish to show how multicultural they all are.
They decide to test it out at lunch the next day. Jessica is all grossed out by the idea of sitting with Salvador and Anna, but Liz is like, "Look bitch, I'm willing to fix your entire dance problem for you. AND I'm wearing a pink tank dress. Sit the fuck with them." I wish. She instead is all, "Look, Jess, they're gonna think I'm blowing them off and I don't want them to be mad at meeeee." Oh, Liz. Jessica is whiny and bratty but does it anyway. She is then creeped out by Salvador, who is staring at her. The whole thing is really sad, and it's kind of depressing that anyone would think for a second that she's Liz.
Instead of just doing it in narrative, the characters all JOURNAL about Liz-as-Jessica. Well, Damon uses the back page of his notebook. Ronald has a computer journal because, lest we forget, he is a nerd. They also all manage to journal at 1:19 PM. That's just creepy.
Anyway, despite being totally taken in by Liz at lunch, the second she walks through the gym door, all the committee members notice that it's Liz, not Jessica. Wow. The SVJH kids actually have working brains. No wonder they never showed up in SVH. Nothing really happens, it just bounces between their POVs and their REALIZATION!!11! that it's Liz.
Liz races back to the bathroom (was Jessica seriously hiding in there this ENTIRE time? You'd think she'd go home by now, since Liz is doing everything) but before they can change, Anna busts in, grabs Jessica-as-Liz, and drags her off to the Zone meeting. Brian passes out an article he wrote about the dolphin incident. It's not a bad article, actually. It's way better than anything Liz ever wrote. (Though that doesn't really say much.) The group starts discussing whether or not they should soften it because of the Crazy Science Teacher. Jessica then nearly screws it all up by talking about herself, saying, "I didn't even really get in trouble. I just became head of the..." Salvador and Anna figure it out and they promise to keep it quiet and the switch goes off without any more hitches and everything is easier for everyone because they know and something logical has finally happened in Sweet Valley.
No, of course not. Jessica ad-libs, saying, "I just became head of the...Jessica fan club." I hope this girl doesn't go into acting. That was the worst improv I've ever heard/read/seen, and I work in a theater.
Surprisingly, no one calls her on this, despite how increasingly awkward it gets. Jessica basically pimps herself out. Salvador argues with her, which I think is kind of stupid. If he thinks she's Elizabeth, isn't he kind of defeating his chances with her by insulting her sister? Whatever. It's Sweet Valley logic. Let's move on. Anna is like, "STFU and vote on the article." I love Anna.
With Liz gone, the dance committee starts talking about the fact that Liz =/= Jess. Ronald futilely contests it because Liz is actually nice to him, and Damon does this creepy rant about how Jessica smells like peaches and Liz smells like raspberries. Stalker much? Ronald grudgingly admits that it had to be Liz, because no way in hell is Jessica that nice. Kristin finally realizes that the reason Liz is dressing up as Jess is because Jessica is pissed at the way they acted. She resolves to take control and make it a good dance. She calls Ronald first, and his mom is like, "OMG MY BABY BOY GOT A CALL FROM A GIRL" and drops the phone in her joy. Kristin makes Ronald swear not to have a dinoland at the dance (which makes me sad. I might've gone to my Homecoming dance if there was a dinoland). They resolve to make this a great dance for Jessica.
Bethel and Kristin call each other at the SAME TIME. They both admit they were immature and unnecessarily bitchy. Bethel convinces Kristin that Brian does really like her, and Kristin is happy. (See, now I want some Brian/Bethel action.) They resolve to make this a great dance for Jessica.
Kristin then calls Damon. Damon is like, "Wow, she really likes to talk." It's basically a rehash of everything she said to Ronald. She asks him to call Brian for her, because she's tying up the phone line. Which is such a lame excuse. We all know the real reason. They resolve to make this a great dance for Jessica.
After Kristin hangs up, Damon pulls out TeenTalk. Allison, fifteen, tells us the ultimate dance move. It's when you dance with a guy, and he leans in and says something totally romantic into your ear. Can't he just say it to your face? No? Okay. Damon visualizes this, but realizes - he doesn't know what to say.
Brian and Kristin both write out emails about how they feel about each other. Brian is apologetic. Kristin is betrayed. Neither of them send the emails, because doing so would mean actually resolving that plot.
When Liz arrives at the school on Saturday, everyone is getting along. She thinks they're saying her name kinda funny, but that must be her imagination. They don't have a clue! Right? Right. They've hired a DJ named Dr. Daddio, who has beads in his beard and wears a wraparound skirt. Liz refers to him as "the Doctor", which immediately makes me think, "Doctor Who?" Damon calls Brian "Bri", which kind of disturbs me. Brian's only two syllables, I don't think it really warrants a nickname.
Anyway, Ronald is putting his geekitude to good use, Bethel and Kristin are going shopping together, and everything is going swimmingly. So swimmingly, in fact, that Liz is starting to worry that they know who she is. But she immediately brushes it off. After all, Jessica is the paranoid twin, not her. She actually says this. Or thinks it. I don't know. Stupid first person. Damon drops a box of tacks and says, "Damn." I remember that this totally horrified me as a kid. Swearing! In a children's book! Le scandal!
After the swimmingly awesome meeting, Damon heads home and thinks about what he could say to Jessica. He considers these suave, romantic options:
"Jessica, your eyes are like pools of water." Just pools? Not the Pacific Ocean? Is someone getting pushed into these pools?
"Jessica, you are really cool." That's just awkward.
"Jessica, you smell great." How is that romantic?
"Jessica, I really, really ____ you." Insert word of choice here. Heh. "Insert."
While Liz masquerades as her, Jessica is at home, painting her toenails blue. I've never seen the point of painting your toenails, unless you wear open-toed shoes all the time. As this is Sweet Valley, where everyone is a rapist, I'd think most people would wear sneakers or the like for a quick getaway. I'm probably wrong.
Just then, Anna calls. Jessica tries her Elizabeth impression, but it turns out that whatever Anna is calling about was Liz's idea, and Jess has no idea what it is. Anna catches on and is like, "Are you really Elizabeth?" Jessica's like, "Well, who else would I be?" and Anna very bluntly goes, "Jessica." I love this girl. Jessica somehow uses the words "like" and "definitely" to convince Anna that she's Elizabeth. Anna buys it. When she bounces downstairs, Steven's like "Wait, are you Liz or Jessica?" He's their brother and he can't tell them apart? And the kids they've known for only a month can? I'm not sure if this says more about Steven or the SVJH kids.
Jess gets into the car, which is driven by Anna's mom. Which makes me go wtf, because as I recall, Anna's mom is clinically depressed and won't even leave the house until like the 20th book or around there. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be driving a car. Or putting up with the Wakefields. But Anna's mom is actually upbeat and reveals Elizabeth's plan: to go to the mall and put Zone on the counters. Thank you, non-depressed Mrs. Wang, for that exposition.
The second they get to the mall, Jessica grabs a stack and speeds away to stores like Fashion Train and AB/CD's. Wait, they name-drop Britney Spears in this series, but they don't have any chain stores? Jessica has to wait for the manager in Fashion Train and so wanders around looking at clothes while she waits. She realizes that she misses being shallow. She doesn't want to be Elizabeth anymore.
Once again, the writer is too lazy to narrate 7 days, so we get another timeline. Kristin begs Lacey Frells (who is a bitch and basically Lila Fowler with less money and less awesome) to get the local band, Splendora, to play during Doctor Who Daddio's one-hour break. The band agrees.
Bethel chases after who she thinks is Liz-as-Jessica, and then realizes that it's the real Jessica.
Kristin and Bethel go to Vito's (the new, SVJH-universe pizza place) to talk about the pizza deal. The owner's wife throws in some free stuff because Kristin and Bethel are so "cute together." Kristin/Brian/Bethel OT3?
Ronald and the English teacher install theatrical lights in the gym. An SVU engineering student who was a former SVJH student offers to set up a lights-and-laser show. Aw, techie geeks!
Liz prints out "fantastic flyers" that she made on her computer on neon paper. This book is from...*checks* 1999. Let's all imagine those flyers for a moment. *shudder*
Brian and Damon build a ten-foot wildcat. Damon has stolen his four-year-old sister's toy wildcat and tucks it under the ten-foot wildcat's arm. This is quite elaborate for a Homecoming dance. Imagine the formals at SVJH.
Liz leaves, and the committee gathers round. They have resolved to make a great dance for Jessica. And it is. I mean, a ten-foot wildcat? You know this is going to be good. Except...no one knows if she's coming.
Saturday dawns. Kristin is in a crappy mood because of Brian. She's resolved to hate him forever and ever. He could die and she wouldn't care. But he hasn't called or spoken to her all week (even though there's clearly a part during a meeting where Brian is like I WANT TO TALK TO KRISTIN BUT SHE'S IGNORING ME ;_;) and that's pissing her off more. How dare he attempt to speak to her! But how dare he not call her!
Brian calls. Kristin gets all jumpy. They agree to dance together. Kristin thinks, "Brian is actually kind of sweet." So now they're happy and in love again? Oh, hormones.
Meanwhile, Jess is trying to talk Liz into wearing a dress of hers. What parallel universe have we fallen into? They argue back and forth about why Jessica should/shouldn't go to the dance. They are interrupted by the Homecoming committee, who have taken their stalkery behavior to the next level and have shown up at Casa de Wakefield. Liz tries to intercept them, but they're all, "You're nice, Liz, but we want Jessica." Liz "sucks in her breath. Oh no! They knew!"
Jessica is sitting on her bed wearing boxers and a T-shirt, when Damon appears in her doorway. Okay, raise your hand if you would be pissed if a guy - even the guy you liked - randomly showed up in your bedroom without invitation. Jess is mostly embarrassed, but they all start apologizing and she feels better. I don't know, I'd still be kind of mad. I mean, they could've at least knocked.
Jess is all, "But how did you know?! Me and Liz are IDENTICAL! Meaning we look the same!" Ronald says, "You have this thing you do with your eyes whenever I annoy you too much. Elizabeth never did it." I love you, Ronald. I'd date you. Damon mentions the peaches thing again, which is getting creepier every time he says it. It turns out the daisies he has? They're Jessica's favorite flower. How convenient. Their creepish knowledge of her gets Jessica to change and come to the dance. Yay stalkers!
At the dance, Kristin sways with Brian, thinking, "I was wrapped in Brian's arms, swaying to a slow song as a rainbow of colored lights cascaded over us. What could be more romantic?" Well, for one, you're in the school gym. That puts a damper on things, don't it? Principal Todd breaks up this romantic (cough) moment by saying, "And we have the greatest dance committee chairperson ever! Jessica Wakefield, will you please come up here?" Jess does, and is very humble and modest about it. It's shocking. Brian tries to dance with Kristin again, and she's like, "You can't just assume we're dancing together all the time." Brian's all, "I thought boyfriends and girlfriends danced together." Kristin's like, "Wait, WHAT?" and Brian's like, "Isn't that what we are?" and Kristin's like, "YES. But NO." Brian's like, "Okay. Fine. Kristin, will you be my girlfriend, in sickness and in health, till death do us part?" After putting up all that fuss, Kristin just goes, "Shut up and dance." How rude.
Oh, and we get about two pages on the Jessica/Damon thing. They dance together, and Jess is like, "This dance is the best ever." And Damon apparently does well under pressure, because he goes, "Jessica, YOU are the best ever." Jessica's last thought is, "His T-shirt was so soft." Deep, Jess. Deep.
And that's the end. This was actually my favorite SVJH book as a kid. I have no idea why. There is not enough Anna Wang for my tastes.