Love, Peroxide, and Wood-Chopping in Montana (otherwise known as #123 Elizabeth’s Rival)
This is my very first recap and I don’t even know where to begin! There’s so much to mock! This awesomely awful book is part one of a three-book arc about our favorite SVH-ers working at Camp Echo Mountain in Montana. Unfortunately, there are no werewolves in this book. But no worries, there are plenty of tingly feelings and enthralling wood-chopping lore.
At the beginning of the book, we find out that the twins will be spending a month as junior counselors at a summer camp in Montana. But not just any camp, mind you! It’s a FAMOUS performing arts camp, and lots of FAMOUS Hollywood types attended as children. Of course! Montana is famous for performing arts. They should just move Universal Studios to Montana.
Jessica is sure she’ll be discovered at this camp. It must be because she’s blessed with classic California silky long blond hair. Sadly, there is no mention of perfect size six figures. I wonder if somebody got fired for that omission.
OMG, Lizzie’s old BFF Maria Slater is moving back to Sweet Valley! And what a coinky-dink, Maria’s going to be a JC at the same famous camp in the middle of nowhere. In fact, the camp was so impressed with Maria’s acting experience (in toilet paper commercials) that they’ve made her assistant to the drama counselor. Elizabeth is certain that Maria will ask her to write the camp play. I’m not sure why, since the girls haven’t even discussed it yet. And best of all, Maria’s BFF from New York is going to be a JC too! And guess what? She’s also a writer! What are the odds?
Jessica gets all whiny, afraid that Elizabeth will spend all of her time this summer with Maria and the NY sidekick and, gasp, won’t have any time for her. Then the ghostwriter excuses Jessica’s brat attack with a lengthy recap of the whole dead pseudo-gangster boyfriend of the week saga.
After the recap, Jessica goes over to Lila’s house to help her pack for camp. I would complain that Lila holding down a job (outdoors, no less) is unrealistic, but then this book would have been Lila-less (translation: boring). Jessica tells Lila that she’s decided to forget about guys for the summer. Lila’s brain does not compute.
Lila awesomely says, “The best way to get over one guy is to find another.” That would be excellent advice if Christian had merely dumped her, but he DIED. In fact, I think this is her third dead boyfriend and counting... But quit whining Jess and just get over it! (I hate myself for defending Jessica. Forgive me, Lila!)
While dispensing valuable, insensitive advice, Lila begins packing dry clean only clothing and a beaded, black evening gown. (Sweet!) Jessica tries to talk her out of this and Lila snipes, doubting Jessica’s expertise in camping. Jessica snipes back and we get yet another lengthy recap. This time it’s the epic Death Valley tale. Jumpin’ Jehosophat, we’re still in the first chapter of the book! Quit recapping other books, Ghostwriter! Freaking hurry up and get to Montana! (There’s a sentence I may never utter again.)
In response to Jessica’s boring, harrowing tale, Lila sneaks a gold lamé bikini into her suitcase. (Snort!)
That night, Elizabeth and Todd drive to Miller’s Point, but all they do is talk. What, no hanky panky? You’re not going to see each other for a whole month. What’s with the yakkety-yack-yack? Elizabeth nerds out about summer camp and Maria. Todd gets jealous, because he is a pathetic loser. Ever the caring soul, Lizzie barftastically comforts him. Did you know that Elizabeth and Maria share a bond over writing, and that Maria is the only person Elizabeth knows who is as passionate about writing as she is? Hmm, then maybe Maria wants to write the camp play. Ever think of that, Lizzie?
Anyhoo, while Elizabeth’s in Montana, Todd will be attending an elite basketball camp in LA. Todd isn’t excited about this great opportunity, because he’s jealous of the guys Elizabeth will meet.
Elizabeth thinks to herself, “I’m so in love with Todd, I can’t even imagine being unfaithful.” (I’d say something, but there are no words…) Maybe she can’t imagine being unfaithful, but she never seems to have a problem following through! (Okay, maybe I had a few words!) Seriously, though! She cheats on Todd every time she leaves Sweet Valley. No wonder Todd’s worried. (I hate this book! First it made me sympathetic towards Jessica, and now Todd. This is all too much!) Liz promises to write to Toddy evwy day. Probably right after she sucks face with some emo werewolf.
Finally, FINALLY, we get to Montana. The junior counselors arrive at camp and everyone has their priorities. Jessica and Lila immediately run off to quicken the aging process, er sunbathe.
Elizabeth unpacks in the cabin that she’s sharing with all of the other female junior counselors. There’s only one desk in the cabin and Elizabeth actually thinks, ”Well I’ll just have to be selfish and claim it. After all, if I’m going to write the camp play I need my space.” There’s the presumptuous Lizzie we all know and want to slap! She sets up her computer, writing supplies, and framed photo of Todd (Yecch!) on the desk. The one lone desk in the cabin! The SHARED desk! How did Lizzie not fail kindergarten? And best of all, she rearranges all of the furniture in the cabin. You know, my freshman year roommate in college pulled a similar stunt before I moved in. I barely had any space in the room for my things! It didn’t endear her to me one little bit. I wish someone would grow a pair and finally punch Lizzie out! Wow, this scene really brought out some ten years old rage in me!
Oh and speaking of rage… Elizabeth goes for a walk after her little interior decorating fit. As she’s walking by the Drama building, she hears this little tidbit:
“I’ve had it up to here with your lying, deceiving ways! Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t rip your throat right out of your neck?”
Lizzie rushes into the building like the ninny that she is. I don’t know about you, but I’d be running AWAY from that building! Not our Lizzie! Panicked, she rushes inside and demands to know what’s going on. And there she finds the most gorgeous guy she’s ever seen. (What is it with her and psychos?) Elizabeth describes him as tall and muscular, with beautiful red lips and dark green eyes under thick black eyebrows. I don’t know about you, but I’m picturing this guy.
Apparently, the most gorgeous guy she’s ever seen is Joey, the drama counselor. Joey, by the way, was practicing his rage exercises as he planned out his drama classes for the campers. Rage exercises, huh? How child-friendly! Joey’s acting classes actually seem more bizarre than the one that Khloe Kardashian attended.
After this strange scene, Elizabeth meets up with the sunbathers. We find out that each JC will be responsible for six children and assist a counselor with a workshop for the month. Jessica gets 7-year-olds, Elizabeth gets 10-year-olds, and Lila gets 13-year-olds. Out of the three of them, Elizabeth seems the most qualified to work with children. (Hey, it’s all relative…) Elizabeth at least baby-sits and did the short-lived Big Sister/Little Sister program. I seem to remember that Jessica and Lila worked at a week-long kiddie camp in the Caribbean. That camp was lucky no one died. Apparently, Camp Echo Mountain doesn’t believe in background checks.
Moving along to the workshop assignments. Lila will be working in the arts and crafts cabin. How is she qualified? Oh, that’s right, she used to make out with an art student. Elizabeth will be assisting the sailing counselor. How in the hell is she qualified? Oh, that’s right, she ISN’T! Jessica, on the other hand, will be assisting the Dance Counselor. I hate to say this, but out of the three of them, Jessica is the most qualified to work at a performing arts camp, albeit one without children. She’s acted in numerous school plays and used to take dance lessons.
Elizabeth leaves Jessica and Lila to bask in the UV rays. When she gets back to the cabin, a girl is removing Lizzie’s precious items from the SHARED desk and dumping them into a cardboard box. Ooooh, I like this stranger already! Elizabeth complains, but the other girl claims that she needs the desk to write the camp play. Lizzie’s all like, what in the what what? I’m writing the play, whine, whine, whine! Nicole informs her that there is a contest to see who can write the best play first. Shouldn’t the camp announce this to everyone at the same time? Never mind, I just remembered that I don’t give two shits.
I bet you didn’t see this one coming, but Nicole is actually Maria’s NY BFF! Maybe she’ll be the one who finally punches Lizzie out! Keeping my fingers crossed!
So the camp hosts two getting to know each other barbeques for the JCs that night - one for the boys and one for the girls. Lacey, the camp owner, lays down the ground rules. No mixed company in cabins, no sneaking across the lake to the boys’ camp or into town, no alcohol, no drugs… In other words, you’re here to earn a paycheck and you’re responsible for small children!
After Lacey leaves the girls to eat s’mores and socialize, Elizabeth nerds out again and suggests that they all sing their favorite camp songs. Nicole mocks her and rightfully so! Nicole suggests that they all play truth or dare. But before the game gets underway, the girls see ghostly white figures flitting through the trees. People run out of the forest with white sheets over their heads. It kind of sounds like the Klan… Holy moly, is William White in this book? Thankfully not! It’s just the male JCs sneaking over to the girls’ side. But that’s against Lacey’s rules! Rebels!
Joey, the rage-o-holic, who is leading this group of daredevils, tells the girls how to get around Lacey’s rules. Why does anyone trust him? After all, he came up with the flitting ghosts idea. Shouldn’t they wear dark clothing instead of conspicuous white sheets when sneaking around in the dark? Pardon me, I was having an episode. I forgot that logic goes against the natural laws of the SVH universe.
Meanwhile, Lila spots a hot guy who is her destiny (her words) and Elizabeth angsts about her attraction to Joey. Elizabeth is so distraught over her impure thoughts that she stands in front of the bathroom mirror later that night and thinks to herself, “Do I look like the kind of girl who would cheat on her boyfriend?” Um, Lizzie, it doesn’t matter if you look like that kind of girl, you ARE that kind of girl!
Nicole enters the bathroom and the two have words. Both stake their claims on Joey and Maria. Yawn…
The next day, the campers finally arrive. Apparently, Lacey has decided that leaving home is so traumatic for children, that the JCs will stay away when the busses pull up and only the counselors will meet them. These JC jobs are starting to sound rather cushy. Where do I sign up? And pass the s’mores!
All the JCs meet their campers in the mess hall. (They deign to work?) Jessica’s 7-year-olds take an immediate liking to her. They fight over who gets to sit next to her and they copy everything that she does. (I hate to say this, but that doesn’t seem too far off the mark. I remember worshipping a JC at summer camp, because she wore the front part of her bangs down and the other half shellacked into an arch above her forehead. Little 7-year-old me was beyond upset that she couldn’t copy the look. Fortunately, I have a widows peak, which doesn’t allow for bangs. Otherwise, I’d have to burn every photo of myself from the 80s!)
Elizabeth, on the other hand, is late to meet her group of 10-year-olds. And they totally call her out for it! Rose, the sailing counselor and Lizzie’s immediate supervisor, also reprimands her and demands to know where she was. Elizabeth had been trying to come up with a plot for her play, but she lies and says that she was helping the Drama Counselor and lost track of time. (Um, side note here. What exactly makes Lizzie think she’s a good playwright? Playwriting and journalism - especially fake journalism - are two very different styles of writing. Writing well for one does not necessarily translate into writing well for the other. Plus, she’s only a good journalist compared to the other losers at SVH. BUT THIS IS MONTANA, BEYOTCH!)
Elizabeth’s campers act like heathens and they call her Lizzie. Elizabeth stupidly makes the mistake of saying that she doesn’t like to be called Lizzie. (Again, how did she not fail Kindergarten?) The girls rename her Dizzy Lizzie and call her Diz for short. LOVE IT! From now on, I’m totally calling her Diz!
After everyone meets their campers, it’s time for workshops! The Dance Counselor is a no show, so Jessica ends up teaching dance solo. The 7-year-olds continue to copy everything she does, including walking and hair flipping, etc... If they keep it up, they can become raging ho bags by the fifth grade. Maggie, one of the campers, videotapes Jessica dancing. See, Maggie’s mother gave her a plot device, er a video camera to make a movie at camp. Right… Give the kid something expensive to keep track of… Good idea, Mom!
Diz’s workshop doesn’t go very well, because her campers kindly spread the new nickname to the rest of the campers. She mopes all the way back to the JC cabin, where she finds Nicole crying to the other JCs. Nicole immediately accuses Diz of taking her diary. The JCs root around the cabin and find it under Diz’s mattress. Diz flips out, screaming that she didn’t steal the diary. And Maria won’t even look at her. (Sniffles)
The next morning, the bugle wakes everyone up at the ass crack of dawn. Lila sadly remembers that she’s at Camp Echo Hell. Thank goodness we were reading Lila’s thoughts. Saint Lizzie would have called it Camp Echo Heck. Her internal monologue would never utter a swear word. She’s like a female version of Ned Flanders.
The JCs step outside their cabin to discover that the campers and counselors have surprised them with a pancake breakfast at their doorstep. Again, how do I get this job? Diz was up most of the night working on her play in the mess hall and looks like feces.
One of her camper says, “You sure look ugly in the morning.”
And another says, “You look like you slept in a sewer.” (The sewer? What was she covered in? Something must have dripped on her in the mess hall last night. Nobody eat the food in there!)
Lila ignores her bratty 13-year-olds, who she nicknamed “The Sulky Six”, and finally gets to speak with her destiny. Assuming that he’s the outdoorsy type, Lila steals Jessica’s Death Valley story to impress him. It works, because Lila rules!
Jessica’s campers continue to imitate her and she starts calling them the Wannabes. In other news, the Dance Counselor took a different job and it’s too late to get a replacement. Lacey is so impressed with Jessica’s maturity, that she asks her to teach Dance alone. (Lacey, please read the first one hundred or so books in the series!) Jessica agrees and weasels her way into only teaching the youngest campers. Lacey informs her that Derek, the Tumbling JC will assist her. Apparently, doppelgangers also exist in the great state of Montana, because Derek looks exactly like Ken Matthews. The question is, will he be a psycho doppelganger or just your run of the mill everyday doppelganger?
There’s a campfire that night and Lacey tells everyone the camp legend. The gist is that there once was a young man who lived in the woods near the camp. Although the man was a bit odd, Lacey and her husband hired him to do odd jobs around the camp. (Good choice for a camp full of children!) One night, Lacey took a walk and heard noise coming from boathouse. She stepped inside and caught the woodsman and her head counselor together. (Alluding to s-e-x in front of the k-i-d-s? Oh hell, maybe they were just playing a rowdy game of pinochle!) Anyway, Lacey sent the counselor back to her cabin and banished the woodsman from the camp. In response, the head counselor wouldn’t eat, sleep, or talk. After two days, the other counselors woke up and found her bed empty. But all of her belongings were still there. After they searched the camp without luck, they called the police. The police found the woodsman’s cabin empty, but all of his belongings were still there too. The couple was never found, and everyone assumed that they died in the woods. To this day, people report that sometimes at night, you can hear the sound of chopping wood echoing across the lake.
There’s nothing like a good wood-chopping story! For some reason, this lame-ass story scares everyone, giving Nicole an excuse to cuddle up to Joey. Diz angsts yet again.
The next day, Lacey puts Jessica in charge of planning the camp social, because Lacey thinks she’s a born leader and is still impressed with her maturity. (It’s horrifying that parents trust Lacey with their children.) Jessica’s on cloud nine, until she finds Tanya, a Wannabe, in the bathroom with orange hair and an empty bottle of hydrogen peroxide. (I want to know why a bottle of hydrogen peroxide was accessible to a 7-year-old girl! Camp Echo Hell, neglecting children for fifty years!) Tanya was trying to dye her hair blond to look like Jessica. It’s the tiny tots version of Single White Female! Jessica goes into a panic. It turns out that Tanya lives in town and her family is coming to pick her up for her grandmother’s birthday party.
Meanwhile, Diz is making mistakes left and right during the sailing workshops. She’s been up late every night, trying to write the play. She finally found a feeble plot - you guessed it, it’s Lacey’s wood-chopping tale. In fact, she didn’t go to sleep last night, because she was so busy writing this atrocity. Rose angrily dismisses her from the workshop, because she’s afraid Diz will be a danger during sailing. Rose orders her to take a long nap. Instead, Diz finishes her play and then goes to take a shower before handing it in to Joey. (Does Joey strike you as the type who likes ’em squeaky clean?)
Tanya’s older brother, Paul, arrives to pick up Tanya. He’s gorgeous, OF COURSE. Jessica is at first relieved that she doesn’t have to face Tanya’s parents. But then Paul starts yelling at Tanya, asking who gave her the crazy idea to turn herself into a dumb blonde. (Tee hee!) Jessica yells at him for dissing blondes. Paul blames Jessica for the peroxide incident and threatens to report her to the camp director. Jessica tells him to go ahead, but Paul decides it’s not worth it.
Maggie comes up from behind them and yells, “Cut”. Uh oh, the whole argument was caught on tape. Lacey’s gonna have kittens!
After Diz showers, she goes back to the cabin to retrieve the disk. No freaking way! The disk is gone. Diz turns on her computer to make another copy, but the original is gone too! Diz races over to the drama building and arrives just in time to hear Nicole telling the plot to Maria and Joey. Diz flips out and accuses Nicole of stealing her play, but Joey and Maria believe Nicole. Nicole mocks Diz by asking her to write the program copy.
Diz angrily refuses and Joey says that he’s disappointed in her. Diz runs into the forest to cry with Maria chasing after her. The girls get into a fight over Nicole, and Maria storms off. Poor Saint Lizzie! (Not really, today is opposite day!)
Speaking of boring, the camp got there hands on an advanced copy of The Adventures of the Psychic Avenger. Um, what exactly is this psychic avenging? And since he’s psychic, and therefore already knows what will happen, how exciting could his adventures possibly be? (I know, I’m reading way too much into this.)
Apparently, the campers and JCs are on the same page as I am. To make matters worse, Winston Egbert starts clowing around when Lacey leaves. Yes, Winston is also an unqualified JC, responsible for the lives of small children. It boggles the mind… Anyway, he starts acting out the following dumb scene:
“Hey, you criminal! You stop doing that bad stuff right now or I’ll call your mother!” For some reason, everybody finds this hilarious.
Then, in a falsetto voice, he says, “Oh, gee, Mr. Psychic Avenger. I’ll stop stealing things right now. Please don’t call my mother.”
I expected more out of Winston, I really did. Also, I’m not sure why the ghostwriter pointed out that he was speaking in a falsetto voice. I always assumed that Winston’s voice naturally sounded like that.
On a creepier note, someone passes Lila a piece of paper from Bo, which reads, “I’m watching you.” Please, oh please, do not let this guy be a deranged loon! Hasn’t Lila been through enough? Lila isn’t alarmed at all and the two wave to each other from across the room. Of course the Sulky Six mock her for having a boyfriend. But Lila mocks right back, because they don’t have boyfriends. Oh, snap!
Then Lacey ruins all the fun by walking back in while Winston’s imitating her. She shuts off the movie and orders everyone back to their cabins. Darn it to heck, we don’t get to hear any more gems out of Winston tonight!
Diz breaks the rules, and leaves the cabin to go for a late night mope, er walk. Her heart breaks when she spies Nicole and Joey snuggled against a tree and giggling. I don’t blame them, trees are hilarious!
Diz decides to put Joey out of her mind and suddenly remembers that she hasn’t written to Todd at all. But Todd already sent two postcards to her. Diz decides to write him a letter, even though it’s the middle of the night. Nighttime is for sleeping, Lizzie! Especially when you’re dealing with kids all day long! But oh noes, Diz can’t concentrate on her letter, because she’s still mooning over Joey. She’s so besotted, that her fingers get tingly at just the thought of him. ? and ?????????????????? Diz is so weird!
While Diz deals with her tingling digits, Lila and Jessica sneak across the lake to the boys’ side, so that Lila can flirt with Bo, Mr. Destiny himself. While their hanging out in the male JC cabin, one of the dorky guys scares everyone by making wood-chopping sounds outside the cabin. How exactly does one make wood-chopping noises, anyway? Was he actually chopping wood? And if so, wouldn’t the sound carry across the lake and wake drill sergeant Lacey? (Again, I’m reading way too much into something written in a Sweet Valley book)
Lila freaks and races out of the cabin. She’s absolutely convinced that Bo won’t think she’s the tough, adventurous girl she’s been pretending to be. Jessica comforts her by pointing out that Bo dove under the covers in terror. Lila doesn’t listen and worries herself into a frenzy.
Diz also works herself into a frenzy by getting into a food fight with Nicole in the mess hall the following night. While both girls are on serving duty for dinner, Nicole brags about her hook up with Joey and thanks Diz for the play. (I must have attended the wrong overnight camp as a kid. At my camp, the campers had to take turns on serving duty, cleaning duty, flag ceremony duty, etc. Ah, child labor law violations. Good times!)
After they finish dishing out slop to the masses, Nicole bumps into Diz from behind, forcing her to spill bug juice down the front of her shirt. Diz responds by dumping mac and cheese on Nicole’s rear end and corn down her shirt collar. (Diz, you perv!) Nicole calls Diz a wench and pours peas over her head. And FOOD FIGHT! The campers go nuts and it’s complete mayhem in the mess hall. (This is pretty realistic. I remember two of my counselors at camp getting into an all out food war in the mess hall. It was disgusting…)
Uh oh, spaghetti o’s! Lacey walks in, puts a stop to the food fight, and angrily orders Nicole and Diz to her office. The girls blame each other, of course. Lacey decides to believe Nicole and proceeds to berate Diz (in front of Nicole, hee!) . Lacey says she’s never seen such childish, irresponsible behavior coming from one of her junior counselors. She continues, telling Diz that is not the first complaint she’s received about her. Lacey goes on to say that she is not much of an assistant to Rose, especially since Rose had to dismiss her from workshop yesterday. And then the crowning glory -
“Why can’t you be more like your sister”
Hahahahahaha! and HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Afterwards, Lila gets ready for her date with Bo, determined to prove that she’s a nature-loving, adventurous wonder woman. Jessica drives into town. Lacey has given her blessing and car keys to buy supplies for the camp social.
Diz sulks and skulks around the cabin. It doesn’t take long before she starts rummaging through Nicole’s belongings, looking for evidence that Nicole stole her play. Quick, somebody call the Psychic Avenger! Nicole catches Diz and confidently says that Diz will never be able to prove anything - she’s covered all of her tracks. The confrontation is interrupted by a loud crash from outside, which sounded like someone fell in the bushes outside the cabin. (What exactly does that sound like?)
Meanwhile, Lila and Bo walk to a clearing. Lila impresses Bo by rubbing sticks together to start a campfire. Jessica taught her how and her hands are blistered from practicing all day. Then she makes tree-bark tea, using a recipe she found in a nature magazine. Ugh, how revolting! I guess that the tea turned Bo on, because the two start making out until the lights out bugle sounds. Lila asks Bo if she should sleep in her clothes in case someone comes knocking on her window that night. Bo tells her he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and Lila races off, convinced that Bo knows she’s a fraud.
Tanya, the peroxide princess, returns from her weekend at home and informs Jessica that her brother talked about Jessica all weekend. Jessica decides that she’s had enough of her responsible, boy-free summer. She vows to sneak into town later that night to see Paul. It seems that Lacey forgot to ask for the car keys back. To pass the time, Jessica starts decorating the main lodge for the camp social. Derek, otherwise known as Montana Ken, helps her decorate, so that he has an excuse to flirt with her. Jessica gets annoyed, as his flirting is preventing her from mooning over Paul.
Jessica decides she can’t live another second without seeing Paul. She abandons Montana Ken and goes off in search of Maggie’s video camera. She swipes the videotape and runs off to the counselor’s recreation room to watch her meeting with Paul on the VCR. (Jess, you dumb-dumb! Video cameras have a playback feature!) Jessica watches the scene of her meeting with Paul over and over, sighs happily, and finally lets the rest of the tape play through. And she comes across a scene in the JC cabin starring Nicole and Diz. Hmm, I wonder what that sound was the other night? The one that sounded like someone falling in the bushes? Could it have been our spoiled little mini-Spielberg? (Who the hell is responsible for these kids at night, anyway?)
Jessica makes an announcement over the PA system, requesting everyone’s presence in the main lodge for a special presentation. Oh boy! Jessica plays the tape and everyone is shocked when they watch the scene with Diz and Nicole. Everyone apologizes profusely to Diz and one of her heathen campers offers to beat up Nicole for her. I think Nicole could take the skinny wimp. Lacey punishes Nicole with two weeks of kitchen duty. That seems like a pretty light punishment and a bad message to the campers. If this were the real world, Nicole would have been fired. But I still like her, because she tortured the crap out of Diz for a couple of weeks. Maria and Diz make up and Diz finally gets the credit for writing Lakeside Love. Great title, I can’t wait to see the play! (Calm down, it’s still opposite day)
And finally, it’s party night! The female JCs get all dolled up in their cabin. Dresses fly around the room as the girls try to figure out what to wear. Why on earth did these girls bring so many dresses to a summer camp? No one ever got dressed up at summer camp when I was a kid. It’s freaking camp, for cripes sake! Diz borrows a silver silk t-shirt and a tight black skirt from Maria. How very PG of her!
But poor Diz cannot catch a break! As soon as she spots Joey at the dance, he and Nicole make a beeline for the door. Two dorky JCs ask Maria and Diz to dance. Maria accepts and Diz declines. Jessica gives Diz shit for not being very nice to the dork. Diz yells at Jessica, complaining that it’s okay for Jessica to reject guys left and right, but Diz has to be nice to everyone. Whoa, Diz! Why are you yelling at your sister? She just saved your ass. Speaking of which, I don’t think Diz ever thanked Jessica. Brat!
Lila runs out of the dance as soon as she sees Bo. She just can’t face him. Bo chases after her, but starts hyperventilating when they reach the dark area around the lake. He breaks down and admits he’s a phony who is afraid of the dark. He made up all the outdoorsy adventurous stuff to impress her. His real name is Beauregard Creighton the Third and he is part of an insanely wealthy family from Washington DC. A very relieved Lila admits that she was also faking, hates nature, and is part of an insanely wealthy family from Sweet Valley. Lila and Bo are both ecstatic and decide that they are even more in love than ever. Bo makes her promise never to make tree-bark tea again and they make out. Thank god our Lila is back to normal!
But oh the humanity, all is not right in the world of Diz. She’s run out of the dance too and huddles on a rock to cry her eyes out. Joey appears and apologizes for believing Nicole. Joey doesn’t want Nicole, he wants Diz. (Shocking, isn’t it?)
For some reason, Joey develops an honorable streak, and tells her that he doesn’t want to move in on another guy’s girl. He’s been asking around about “this Todd guy” and says that it sounds like they’re practically engaged. They are, Joey, they are. Except when Diz skips town. Diz lies and says that she and Todd are not serious and that she is free to date other people. They’re about to kiss when Tanya and Maggie stumble onto the scene with the video camera. It was pretty easy for those kids to sneak out of the dance. After all, half of the JCs are wandering around in the dark or crying on rocks.
After lights out, Jessica grabs the car keys and sneaks into town to find Paul at his family’s restaurant. Paul yells at her for bleaching his sister’s hair and sneaking out of the camp. Then he accuses Jessica of stealing Lacey’s car. Very astute, Pauly! Jessica angrily peals out of the parking lot and heads back to camp. But she doesn’t get very far. A tire blows out and alas, there is no spare and Jessica’s on a deserted country road. (There’s that negligence again. What would Lacey do if this happened to her while driving a camper to the emergency room? Get a freaking spare tire, lady!)
Diz wakes up to the sound of Joey scratching on the window screen next to her bed. (Is he a cat?) Diz jumps out of bed to meet him and accidentally stubs her toe on Nicole’s bed. Diz breathes a sigh of relief when Nicole does not appear to have woken up.
Diz steps outside and Joey gives her a bunch of wildflowers he picked. Apparently, he’s regressed to a 5-year-old. Diz is turned on by the free weeds and they kiss. Diz swooned, feeling dizzy with desire. Mid-kiss, Diz spots Nicole over her shoulder, watching them in anger. Diz hams it up and starts full on making out with Joey out of spite.
And the SV universe isn’t in balance unless both Wakefield twins are making out with creepy guys. Paul comes after Jessica and apologizes for yelling at her. He reaches into the back of his truck and pulls out a tire that is the exact match for Lacey’s car. After he changes the tire, Jessica asks how she can ever thank him.
Paul responds, “By letting me kiss those devastating lips of yours.” Now Paul and Jessica make out. And then the ghostwriter dropped this gem -
His slightly sweaty, greasy scent from working in the restaurant made Jessica’s nose tingle wonderfully.
Now both Wakefield twins have tingled in this book, the stars must be aligned.
The next day, Joey asks Diz to go sunbathing with him. How masculine! Diz swipes one of Jessica’s bikinis, figuring that Jessica owes her for not telling Lacey about sneaking into town. Um, what? Doesn’t Diz owe Jessica for busting Nicole? Diz’s logic is astounding.
Diz and Joey frolic in the water and continue the camp’s tradition of child negligence. They race each other to shore and hold hands while walking lovey-dovey towards the main lodge. Ruh roh, Reorge! Diz spots a shiny black BMW and drops Joey’s hand. Todd’s standing in front of the main lodge, having what appears to be a very intense conversation with Nicole.
And scene!