Super edition: Spring Break
Here's the COVER. That's Jessica in the fugly square-dance dress with the fugly, huge arm(pit) holes. I guess she's supposed to look all excited, but she looks like she's on drugs. Lizzie looks like she's pulling down her skirt. And in my teen years, those neckerchiefs were used to cover up hickeys.
Anyway...
Jessica and Elizabeth are going to visit their great-aunt and -uncle in the town of Walkersville, Kansas. Their ga and gu (great aunt\great uncle) are mayor of Walkersville. They are the Walkers! Not related to Cara, whose name is spelled with an 'o' here. What's with the W names? Francine? We get the usual blue eyes, perfect figures, perfect skin, golden hair description along with the "so different on the inside" spiel. GOD. Show, don't tell! Alice comes in to the room where the girls are gushin' over the trip. Apparently she can still fit into size-six clothes and passes for the twins' older sister. We knew the latter. But fitting into size six? After three kids?!? She makes Liz and Jess promise that they won't do anything shameless\scandalous\flirty\etc. Saintly Liz promises, but it has to be hammered into Jessica.
They fly into the airport near Walkersville, and on the way to Walkersville, in the car, Aunt Shirley asks Lizzie and Jessica if they have BF's. She obviously hopes they don't. Jessica, trying to sound like a saint so they trust her and let her out to be a slut, says she doesn't believe in going steady. She sounds all sweet, but doesn't mention she eats boys for lunch every day. (Don't ask me where I got that expression--it came to me.) Elizabeth has to tell about Jeffrey. Major dissaproval. Jess drools at the guys at the town's five-and-dime (oh, come on, not even in the 80's!) and plans on going out to find someone to dry-hump. She kindly offers to help at the town soda fountain, which is inside the five and dime, and is part of a cafe owned by the Walkers called...Walker's. Wow. Auntie thinks she's just so sweet!
The Walkers, to Jess's horror, accompany them on a town tour. Jess slips away, while Liz listens to the history of Walkersville. The ga and gu resign Jess to fate. That works for Jessica, who goes to the front of the 5-n-dime and stuns all the boys! Apparently, the town has no outside contact and a really crappy educational system, because the teenage boys ask Jessica if it really is always sunny in Cali (well, it is in SV) . The boys are tongue-tied just talking to Jessie. But then! Trouble! The GF of a boy named Dennis comes along. Her name is Annie Sue Sawyer and she has no style. Nothing like a stereotypical country name. Her friend is Mary. Annie Sue is very rude to Jessica and talks about a party in front of her. Jessica is horrfied that Annie Sue is so rude! Apparently, Jessica doesn't realize how horrid she was to Robin Wilson and Lois Waller and numerous others...she's a bitch, too!
Mrs. Walker proclaims how wonderful and sweet Annie Sue is, and later intro's Elizabeth--and Jess. Annie is 'cool' to Jess, but after Annie leaves, Mrs. Walker coos, "isn't she adorable?" The horrified twins don't want to upset their aunt, so they agree to 'kill' Annie with kindness.
The next morning, Jessica drowns blueberry pancakes in maple syrup. Why can't *I* eat all I want and still maintain my perfect size...uh...unmentionable figure? A carnival is in town, the girls learn. Their and aunt uncle agree to accompany them, again horrifying Jessica.
Jessica compensates by wearing--'listen' carefully--a white rhinestone jumpsuit and silver beads. That sounds really, really ugly. And very Elvis-ish. Just google 'white rhinestone jumpsuit' and you'll see what I mean. Mrs. Walker is horrfied at what Jessica wears, and a catfight ensues. Jess wins. She bitches for a long time, and scoffs at the promise that her mother made her make...not to excite the relatives. Jess is such a spoiled brat, bad parenting and sistering are evident. The girls manage to let their aunt and uncle let them go on the Ferris Wheel. It's fun! Liz thinks she can 'see forever'. They see Annie Sue and Dennis, and wave happily and try to be friendly. No workee. Then Jessica sees a hot guy managing a horse corral, so she pretends that she luuurves horses so much! She gushes over the guy Alex's black stallion, Midnight. OH GOD, why are the 'cool' horses black and male? JEEZ! Annie Sue and Dennis come over, and Annie Sue flirts with Alex, to enrage Jess. Jess is disgusted, because apparently she's never done something so bitchy herself! Ha ha. Annie Sue tries to touch Midnight, and Alex yells at her. Apparently Midnight is mostly untrained. For God's sake. Dennis is shy again and once again, Walkersville education\cultural saturation is evident. He asks Jess if her jumpsuit has real DIAMONDS on it. Why don't they just have him walking with a haystalk in his teeth, drawling corny phrases?
After Annie Sue and Dennis leave, Alex invites Jess to come to see him after the carnival closes. Liz half-heartedly tries to stop the inevitable
trainwreck. She is appeased, though to learn that Alex has an identical twin, who is studious and serious like Elizabeth! And Alex is more like Jess.
If you don't see where this is going, you are as smart as Dennis. Will Liz forget Jeffrey in drooling over Brad, Alex's soon-to-be-met twin?
Back at home, Elizabeth and Jessica gush over how fun the carnival was. Jessica wants to take a walk ;) Mrs. Walker is horrfied--it's quarter to ten! Desperate, Jessica reveals that she agreed to meet a guy, unaccompanied, after the carnival is deserted. Their aunt almost has a heart attack--literally. Alex is a CARNIE, and is automatically bad. And tis dark. Jess shows no remorse. She fakes tiredness, and the Walkers buy it. Upstairs, Jess explodes at her sister. Liz didn't stand up for her! She sneaks out anyway--leaving Liz the job of covering if need be. Again, Doormat Liz performs badly.
At the corral, Alex is enthralled to see Jess. He lets Jessica ride Midnight! He says he didn't let Annie Sue touch or ride him, because he's a
sensitive horse and Annie might have bad riding habits. He says that Jess is perfect to ride the big stallion because she's never ridden, period, and can't have bad habits. Alex is a dunce. Have you ever seen beginning riders? Kick, bounce, rein jerk, lean back...even I've done it. Rode for two years. But that's another story.
In the morning, Jessica proclaims she's in love. Yep, the L-word again! She sleeps until ten, and Liz warns her that the ga and gu will be worried.
Jess merely gets mad that Liz won't listen to her story, and remorseful Liz drops everything to listen to her sister. Soon, they head out to Walker's to man the soda fountain--and Jessica bitches, about the work, even though it was her idea. The Walkersville boys and their girls come in. Mary, Annie's follower, yells at the twins, saying that Annie Sue said the twins laughed at the town girls and made fun of them. Annie Sue spread lies! The twins are absolutely disgusted.
Then talk of the end-of-carnival square dance begins, and Jess dreams of going with Alex.
Elizabeth goes to meet Brad, insisting she's just making friends, and not 'cheating' on Jeff. She sees a guy who looks A LOT like Alex. It's Brad! He says Alex is arranging to sell Midnight and can't be around. Alex can't afford midnight. Liz finds a kindred spirit in Brad.
Later, while the girls are watching TV, Annie Sue's mom calls. She invited them to a lunch at the Sawyer farm with Annie Sue and her friends Aunt Shirley accepted for them.. When the twins get to the Sawyer farm, they find Mrs. Sawyer delightful. Because it is the midwest and it's a country home, she is making apple pie for lunch. Annie's little sister, Janie, invites them on a tour of the farm. As soon as they are away from Mrs. Sawyer, Janie's no longer sweet. She tortures the girls, first letting Jessica get kicked milking a cow. Elizabeth says, "don't you always milk from the right side? I read it in a book". Janie understandably can't believe how pompous and expert-y Liz sounds about cows. She tells Liz off and continues the torture tour. Back at home, the twins wait a long time for Annie and the gang. They don't come! Mrs. Sawyer makes up excuse after excuse. The girls, mortified, are forced to choke down apple pie with Mrs. S.
Jessica continues pretending to be sleepy, sneaks out, blah blah. Mrs. Walker gets worried, and Liz bends over to cover for Jess\completely lie\worry her aunt. Then Liz convinces her aunt to let her [Liz] go out in the afternoon with Brad Parker. On the way to see Brad, she sees that one of the girls has a headband just like Jess's! And someone else is wearing a sweater dress just like Jess's! She goes to a bluff with Brad and he says he's never seen the ocean, which is a Sweet Valley Mortal Sin. He says that looking into Liz's eyes is like "seeing the ocean for the first time" because they are the way he always imagined the ocean to be "sort of blue and green at once". BARF. But he also asks a LOT of questions about Jess. 'Deep' questions. Hmmm. Liz wonders if she loves Brad. No! She loves Jeff! She talks to Jeff at home, and says 'I love you', while skirting around the fact that she was, as Jeff put it: "Jessica said you went 'somewhere'".
That night, Jess puts on her tired-and-sleepy act again. The aunt is worried. She goes up to talk to Liz. Liz lies and says Jess is in the bathroom, and that she could get Jess to confide in her if the Walkers would just leave her alone. Aunt Shirley is like "oh, you're a saint! We have no right to ask questions of Jessica!" and leaves. Meanwhile, Jess canters on Midnight--but then! They kiss! No, not Jess and Midnight, Jess and Alex. AND THEN! Annie Sue sees them! Out after 11 o'clock p.m.! With a carnie!!!1!1 Um, everyone in town thinks Annie's so good. Then nobody knows she goes out after eleven o'clock?
The next day, the girls head out to help at the soda fountain. Liz harangues Jess about the predicament she was in. She's blaming Jessica for her own doormat syndrome. Jessica whines about how it was worth it! She's in LOOOOVE! And since Liz is being unsupportive, she declares she'll make Liz sorry when she changes schools to be near Alex, marries him, and opens a horse farm. WTF? At the fountain, Annie manip's Jess into giving up some 'cool' accessories in exchange for not squealing about last night. Although, in squealing, Annie would also have to admit she was out last night. At dinner, the great aunt\uncle talk about the square dance. They want to go as a family. When they find out Jess and Liz want to go out with two boys they've never met, they say no way. How DARE they set limits! Jess feels all sad.
Annie continues to manip Jess--and Liz! into giving her stuff. Brad cuts his hand, and in the fiasco, Liz decides she has no feelings for him. The Walkers nix the double-date. Jess, spoiled and validated until that day, runs off crying, then sneaks off after Liz tries to calm her. Jess finds out that Midnight's being sold to some guy with the last name of Sawyer ;) Alex has to go do something, and Jess waits. Annie comes. Jess relinquishes her silver bead necklace. Annie tries to ride Midnight--her daddy is buying him! Because she said to! So she's Lila-like, but not as awesome. Midnight starts to rear, and Jess forgets Annie's bitchiness as she tries to save her. Cliffie!
Meanwhile, aunt Shirley comes up. No Jess! Liz breaks down and admits that she snuck off! Panic ensues! The Walkers decide to drive to the carnival right away!
Sure 'nuff, Midnight ran away. There's a dramatic horseback rescue by suddenly-an-expert-rider Jess! Annie Sue apologizes! And Uncle Herman and Aunt Shirley verify that they "should probably scold [Jess] for sneaking off, but, Jessica, we're so proud of you for being a heroine, nothing else seems to matter!" No, really, I'm direct-quoting. Jessica is validated because she learned to ride by breaking rules, sneaking off, and worrying her kind relatives who gave her free food and a free vacation. Barf. Everyone's happy! They go to the square dance! Then Alex says that Brad couldn't make it...but Alex has a cut on his hand, too! Elizabeth works it all out. Like Duh. She confronts Alex and gets back at him later by making him dance too much. However, Jess is left oblivious and there's no closure on the Jess\Alex front. Annie Sue and Jess and Liz are BFF's. The twins and the Walker's make up.