The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall
I promised this book a bunch of people, but couldn't find it anywhere in my house. But now here it is in my hot little hands, and voila! The last book of the Unicorn Club series.
It's every teen airhead's fantasy! Even though it could never actually happen. Stuff like motion sensors and alarms and gates and things could never get in the way of a good Sweet Valley story!!
The cover looks like Ellen showing a red jacket to Kimberly, who's got this "wateva, beeyotch" look on her face. Perhaps that's Kimmie's revulsion at Ellen's general attire. I really don't know what the fuck is with that. She looks like a curtain. But Kim looksless than impressive too, but in a much blander way.
Oh, wait. I think Ellen's outfit is a dressing gown. I can see her jeans underneath. Ew. Behind them are Jessica,the only blonde girl allowed in the club (because no one else is allowed to have blonde hair. Hence why they got rid of Elizabeth and Mary Wallace) and Rachel, the only black girl allowed in the club. I assume they invited her in after Evie, the token Asian, left. Real classy, girls. At least they don't constantly mention that Rachel is BLACKbuttheydon'tevennoticeanymore!*cough* Jessi Ramsey*cough*
So the Unicorns (Ellen [president], Kimberly, Jessica, Lila, Rachel, and Mandy) are watching a Jacques von Storm film at the cinema. I so wish that was a real actor. And that was his real name. He's French, so of course has a stereotypical accent. But isn't 'von' a German-kinda name?
He mentions the word "zherbil", and Ellen can't figure out that it's meant to be 'gerbil' and has to ask Kimberly. Second page proof that Ellen's not exactly a brain trust.
Ellen and Rachel keep whispering to each other that Jacques is a crap actor. I almost respect them, but then they say that Arnold Weissenhammer is better. Gosh, I wonder who that's supposed to be a rip-off of!* The Simpsons had a better one in Rainier Wolfcastle!
Mention is made of Mandy's reddish brown hair, which is "as long as Jessica's and as thick as Kimberley's", which I find pretty impressive considering Mandy lost all her hair to cancer the year before. Way to power grow your hair!
But anyway, the film ends, and the general consensus is that it's pretty good, but Jacques is a crap actor. Kimberly is the only one who disagrees. She thinks the Unicorns are too immature to appreciate him. Last I checked she was only one year older. Tool.
The others are all excited about the rerelease of "Battle of the Planets" (Star Wars?) Kim can remember seeing it at the theatre when she was six, and feels all old compared to the others. If it was released when she was 6, why is it getting rereleased? It's been what, 7 or 8 years?
The club discovers that Lila's got a crush on jerk Jerry McAllister. I resent this ghostwriter for making THE Lila Fowler fall for someone so generally average. Jerry's not even a count. He's a count without the 'o'. The 'o' is where all the class is. The others hate Jerry because he put a list up on the bulletin board of all the reasons the Unicorns suck. Examples:
#1.The Unicorns are stupid.
#2. The Unicorns eat toenail pie.
#3. The Unicorns are diseased (the syph?).
#4. The Unicorns stink.
#5. Kimberly Haver loves Winston Egbert.
Heh.
Anyway, to avoid the topic, Lila rushes off to buy 6 or 7 skirts, as you do, and the others decide to mess with Jerry. They send him rushing all around the mall and trying to track down Lila, and then they nearly trick him into getting her name painted on his fingernails! (one letter on each nail) But he's about to do it when he sees Lila walk past and realise that she isn't on the phone talking with him, it's actually Kimberly. So everyone bolts, and Jerry chases Kimberly. Everyone else hides in a sports store, and Kim hides in an 'employees only' area. The other girls decide to hide from Kim and scare her, so they all get in a tent.
When Kim leaves the employee area, she discovers that the mall is closed! Everyone's gone! I can't believe that every single shop owner left their store immediately. What happened to shutting down the till? Tallying up? Vacuuming? Putting money in the safe? Locking... oh forget it. Anyway, a storm is raging outside and a huge lightning bolt hits the mall's power circuit and busts some wires. Apparently every shop gate thing is locked with a electric current/forcefield thing, and the storm broke it. Sweet Valley is waaay too advanced for padlocks.
So she climbs through the gate into the shoe store and finds some work boots like what Jerry wears. She guesses where the others are, and walks up to the tent slowly, wearing the boots. The others are shit scared and think Jerry is coming after them to beat them up. Laughs follow, and the girls decide to make the most of it.
Excitement follows! There's no security inside the mall, only outside, apparently. Lila calls her chauffeur and pretends they're at Kimberly's and don't need to be picked up from the mall. Ellen is concerned they're doing something wrong, but the others assure her that they're allowed to try on clothes, it's not stealing. Plus, if they eat icecream, they'll leave money. I didn't realise ice cream places left their food out overnight. Ew. I think they'd find that there'd be no food and... oh wait. Sweet Valley Reality.
They all try on shoes, and then head to the CD booth. They wouldn't have keys to the storage... oh, sorry. I'll stop. You guys all know when stuff is impossible. This whole book is a large serve of impossible with a side of ridiculous with extra crazy sauce. They listen to Johnny Buck (what else?) and then decide to cut a CD. They all cheerfully argue about which song to sing, then Kimberly decides that they'll sing 'Dancing Demon' by... guess who. Everyone is pissed about Kim bossing them around, until Kimberly tells them that 'Dancing Demon' doesn't even come out til tomorrow so they'll be the first people in Sweet Valley to record it. So they do it, and listen. Ellen compliments Mandy's voice, then Kimberly starts bragging about her voice on the top note, and calls Ellen 'flat' and says Rachel forgot the words. Everyone's getting pretty pissed at Kimmie's bossiness. Kim decides that everyone should go to Hot Spot, a clothes shop. Ellen is disappointed. She'd rather go to Ina's where the clothes are really expensive, and as such more exciting to try on. But Kimberly's word= law, and Ellen follows the flock.
At Hot Spot, Mandy is giving everyone fashion advice, and Kim's getting annoyed because Mandy's the fashion queen. So Kim gets everyone dressed up all crazy, but she's still being a bossy wench.
Scoops is next, the ice cream store. Ellen is gismic with excitement, but Kimberley states that everyone's having frozen yogurt so they don't get fat. "Especially you, Ellen." And that's fucking ridiculous because Ellen's freaking stick insect, apparently. Mandy laughs in Kimberly's face for implying something so ridiculous. At least no one says how they want to be as thin as Ellen. Oh, and according to Kimberly's inner monologue, apparently Rachel is "awfully short and kind of, well, pudgy". Kimberly's such a bitch.
But yeah, Kim says they're all having frozen yogurt, and it has to be mocha strawberry so they don't use a bunch of different scoopers and make a mess. Convenient how mocha strawberry is Kimberly's favourite flavour. This blasphemy is what triggers Ellen to finally stand up to Kimberly. She wants her butter pecan ice-cream, dammit!
Kimberly gives in, but only after thinking that Ellen's a weak Unicorn president, and she (Kim) is smarter, older, and a better leader. More like Janet Howell (ugh). After icecream, Kim plans a big adventure, and leads them to Outback, the sports store. She leads them to the climbing wall.
Note: Apparently Steven Wakefield is into rock climbing. A token fact I'm certain we'll never hear about again. Just last book he was into mopeds.
Kimberly challenges Ellen to a race up the climbing wall. The prize? The UNICORN PRESIDENCY! :O
Inteeeeense!!!!
Kimberly is very athletic and fit, whereas Ellen is skinny and weak and too full of icecream. Unfair. The others (mostly Mandy and Rachel) protest on behalf of Ellen. But Ellen's sick of Kim's bossiness and her "total lack of respect for anyone else." She she agrees. For the Unicorns!
As they set up, Kimberly is nervous- not about climbing the wall, but because no one seems to back her bid for the presidency. The girls are tying Ellen's harness, and Kim is impatiently waiting, telling them they've done it right with out actually checking it closely herself. Considering she's the only one that knows how to do it, that totally makes her an evil bitch. I'm sure you can guess what's coming.
Go! They're off. Kimberly is ahead immediately. She wins pretty quickly, and starts bragging, but no one cheers. Ellen calls for her help, saying she's stuck. Kim snorts and calls her a sore loser, but then realises that Ellen's harness is hooked up wrong. Ellen's hand begins to slip. Kim starts to climb down to help her, but before she can move, Ellen falls. She's hurt her leg, and can't get up.
See what you've done, Kimbitchly McBitch?
She feels super guilty, and Rachel, as Ellen's best friend, yells at Kimberly. Mandy goes to call the police, but the phone lines are down. The storm is getting worse. Then a lightning bolt hits the power supply and all the lights go out. They manage to find a flashlight near the tent where they hid earlier, and Kimberly goes back to the employees only area to climb out the window. The window is higher than she remembered, so Jessica suggests using trash cans to build a pyramid she can climb to get to the window. Lila rips a couple of rubbish bags along the seams and makes a raincoat to keep Kim dryish.
Rachel is with Ellen, and Ellen explains that shes not angry. She likes some of Kimberly's ideas, and says it's up to the club to call her on her crazy. This time, no one told her when to stop. Ellen is very forgiving.
Kimberly climbs out the window, and is on the first floor roof. It takes about 6 seconds for her to fall.
The girls hear her scream and are freaking out and crying. But Kim didn't fall off, she only fell over. She's still on the roof, but just barely. She manages to crawl to a fire escape. The girls don't know this, though, and think she's outside injured. The awesome thing is, Ellen thinks the line "It was probably too late for Kimberly."
And that ends a paragraph. Way to be dramatic. Oh Sweet Valley, I love you. As if you'd kill off a Unicorn. They're too beautiful and special.
Kimberly climbs down the fire escape and pulls over a car. Conveniently, a police car! WOOT!
Another great ending line:
The nightmare was over.
Hahahahahahaha.
The others are still inside, pondering what to do, when Ellen sees a fire alarm. Mandy pulls it and it works! Too bad it's unnecessary!
The parental units arrive at the hospital and are rather very extremely cross. Kimberly had sent the cop to get an ambulance, and the paramedics had arrived just as Mandy had pulled the alarm. So there were a lot of EMS workers at the mall. Too bad Ellen didn't think of that earlier. Way to be helpful, dick. Turns out Ellen's ankle is only sprained, not broken.
The mall manager is also at the hospital, very very angry. His name is Mr Greedley, which makes me think of this guy:
Points for people who know who this is. :)
Anyway, Greedley is pissed about the mess the girls left and the icecream they ate, the CD they used, and some clothes ruined. Plus he blames them for breaking the window they climbed out of, but that was already broken.
Kimberly is apologetic, and claims responsibility and offers to pay. Greedley snorts sniffs and says a very greedy line:
"I don't care who pays for it, as long as someone does."
The others won't let Kim take the blame, and all claim responsibility. Fair enough. They were all there. Mrs Riteman is shocked. She really didn't think Ellen had anything to with it, despite the fact that she's sprained her ankle and is wearing a ruined fringed vest she stole from Hot Spot. Duh, Mrs Riteman. Mr Greedley gets impatient and wants his money, and the policewoman tells him to settle. Ellen asks if it would be ok if the club worked off their debt to the mall, coz they're broke. Lies. Lila's never broke. Mr Greedley makes them come in every Saturday for 3 weeks. Ooh. Hardcore community service.
And it all works out. Awww. The Unicorns are friends forever, or at least until Kimberly, Ellen, Rachel and Mandy end up at that mysterious "other" high school, and we are left with only Lila and Jessica to entertain us in SVH.
And that's a wrap!
It's every teen airhead's fantasy! Even though it could never actually happen. Stuff like motion sensors and alarms and gates and things could never get in the way of a good Sweet Valley story!!
The cover looks like Ellen showing a red jacket to Kimberly, who's got this "wateva, beeyotch" look on her face. Perhaps that's Kimmie's revulsion at Ellen's general attire. I really don't know what the fuck is with that. She looks like a curtain. But Kim looksless than impressive too, but in a much blander way.
Oh, wait. I think Ellen's outfit is a dressing gown. I can see her jeans underneath. Ew. Behind them are Jessica,the only blonde girl allowed in the club (because no one else is allowed to have blonde hair. Hence why they got rid of Elizabeth and Mary Wallace) and Rachel, the only black girl allowed in the club. I assume they invited her in after Evie, the token Asian, left. Real classy, girls. At least they don't constantly mention that Rachel is BLACKbuttheydon'tevennoticeanymore!*cough* Jessi Ramsey*cough*
So the Unicorns (Ellen [president], Kimberly, Jessica, Lila, Rachel, and Mandy) are watching a Jacques von Storm film at the cinema. I so wish that was a real actor. And that was his real name. He's French, so of course has a stereotypical accent. But isn't 'von' a German-kinda name?
He mentions the word "zherbil", and Ellen can't figure out that it's meant to be 'gerbil' and has to ask Kimberly. Second page proof that Ellen's not exactly a brain trust.
Ellen and Rachel keep whispering to each other that Jacques is a crap actor. I almost respect them, but then they say that Arnold Weissenhammer is better. Gosh, I wonder who that's supposed to be a rip-off of!* The Simpsons had a better one in Rainier Wolfcastle!
Mention is made of Mandy's reddish brown hair, which is "as long as Jessica's and as thick as Kimberley's", which I find pretty impressive considering Mandy lost all her hair to cancer the year before. Way to power grow your hair!
But anyway, the film ends, and the general consensus is that it's pretty good, but Jacques is a crap actor. Kimberly is the only one who disagrees. She thinks the Unicorns are too immature to appreciate him. Last I checked she was only one year older. Tool.
The others are all excited about the rerelease of "Battle of the Planets" (Star Wars?) Kim can remember seeing it at the theatre when she was six, and feels all old compared to the others. If it was released when she was 6, why is it getting rereleased? It's been what, 7 or 8 years?
The club discovers that Lila's got a crush on jerk Jerry McAllister. I resent this ghostwriter for making THE Lila Fowler fall for someone so generally average. Jerry's not even a count. He's a count without the 'o'. The 'o' is where all the class is. The others hate Jerry because he put a list up on the bulletin board of all the reasons the Unicorns suck. Examples:
#1.The Unicorns are stupid.
#2. The Unicorns eat toenail pie.
#3. The Unicorns are diseased (the syph?).
#4. The Unicorns stink.
#5. Kimberly Haver loves Winston Egbert.
Heh.
Anyway, to avoid the topic, Lila rushes off to buy 6 or 7 skirts, as you do, and the others decide to mess with Jerry. They send him rushing all around the mall and trying to track down Lila, and then they nearly trick him into getting her name painted on his fingernails! (one letter on each nail) But he's about to do it when he sees Lila walk past and realise that she isn't on the phone talking with him, it's actually Kimberly. So everyone bolts, and Jerry chases Kimberly. Everyone else hides in a sports store, and Kim hides in an 'employees only' area. The other girls decide to hide from Kim and scare her, so they all get in a tent.
When Kim leaves the employee area, she discovers that the mall is closed! Everyone's gone! I can't believe that every single shop owner left their store immediately. What happened to shutting down the till? Tallying up? Vacuuming? Putting money in the safe? Locking... oh forget it. Anyway, a storm is raging outside and a huge lightning bolt hits the mall's power circuit and busts some wires. Apparently every shop gate thing is locked with a electric current/forcefield thing, and the storm broke it. Sweet Valley is waaay too advanced for padlocks.
So she climbs through the gate into the shoe store and finds some work boots like what Jerry wears. She guesses where the others are, and walks up to the tent slowly, wearing the boots. The others are shit scared and think Jerry is coming after them to beat them up. Laughs follow, and the girls decide to make the most of it.
Excitement follows! There's no security inside the mall, only outside, apparently. Lila calls her chauffeur and pretends they're at Kimberly's and don't need to be picked up from the mall. Ellen is concerned they're doing something wrong, but the others assure her that they're allowed to try on clothes, it's not stealing. Plus, if they eat icecream, they'll leave money. I didn't realise ice cream places left their food out overnight. Ew. I think they'd find that there'd be no food and... oh wait. Sweet Valley Reality.
They all try on shoes, and then head to the CD booth. They wouldn't have keys to the storage... oh, sorry. I'll stop. You guys all know when stuff is impossible. This whole book is a large serve of impossible with a side of ridiculous with extra crazy sauce. They listen to Johnny Buck (what else?) and then decide to cut a CD. They all cheerfully argue about which song to sing, then Kimberly decides that they'll sing 'Dancing Demon' by... guess who. Everyone is pissed about Kim bossing them around, until Kimberly tells them that 'Dancing Demon' doesn't even come out til tomorrow so they'll be the first people in Sweet Valley to record it. So they do it, and listen. Ellen compliments Mandy's voice, then Kimberly starts bragging about her voice on the top note, and calls Ellen 'flat' and says Rachel forgot the words. Everyone's getting pretty pissed at Kimmie's bossiness. Kim decides that everyone should go to Hot Spot, a clothes shop. Ellen is disappointed. She'd rather go to Ina's where the clothes are really expensive, and as such more exciting to try on. But Kimberly's word= law, and Ellen follows the flock.
At Hot Spot, Mandy is giving everyone fashion advice, and Kim's getting annoyed because Mandy's the fashion queen. So Kim gets everyone dressed up all crazy, but she's still being a bossy wench.
Scoops is next, the ice cream store. Ellen is gismic with excitement, but Kimberley states that everyone's having frozen yogurt so they don't get fat. "Especially you, Ellen." And that's fucking ridiculous because Ellen's freaking stick insect, apparently. Mandy laughs in Kimberly's face for implying something so ridiculous. At least no one says how they want to be as thin as Ellen. Oh, and according to Kimberly's inner monologue, apparently Rachel is "awfully short and kind of, well, pudgy". Kimberly's such a bitch.
But yeah, Kim says they're all having frozen yogurt, and it has to be mocha strawberry so they don't use a bunch of different scoopers and make a mess. Convenient how mocha strawberry is Kimberly's favourite flavour. This blasphemy is what triggers Ellen to finally stand up to Kimberly. She wants her butter pecan ice-cream, dammit!
Kimberly gives in, but only after thinking that Ellen's a weak Unicorn president, and she (Kim) is smarter, older, and a better leader. More like Janet Howell (ugh). After icecream, Kim plans a big adventure, and leads them to Outback, the sports store. She leads them to the climbing wall.
Note: Apparently Steven Wakefield is into rock climbing. A token fact I'm certain we'll never hear about again. Just last book he was into mopeds.
Kimberly challenges Ellen to a race up the climbing wall. The prize? The UNICORN PRESIDENCY! :O
Inteeeeense!!!!
Kimberly is very athletic and fit, whereas Ellen is skinny and weak and too full of icecream. Unfair. The others (mostly Mandy and Rachel) protest on behalf of Ellen. But Ellen's sick of Kim's bossiness and her "total lack of respect for anyone else." She she agrees. For the Unicorns!
As they set up, Kimberly is nervous- not about climbing the wall, but because no one seems to back her bid for the presidency. The girls are tying Ellen's harness, and Kim is impatiently waiting, telling them they've done it right with out actually checking it closely herself. Considering she's the only one that knows how to do it, that totally makes her an evil bitch. I'm sure you can guess what's coming.
Go! They're off. Kimberly is ahead immediately. She wins pretty quickly, and starts bragging, but no one cheers. Ellen calls for her help, saying she's stuck. Kim snorts and calls her a sore loser, but then realises that Ellen's harness is hooked up wrong. Ellen's hand begins to slip. Kim starts to climb down to help her, but before she can move, Ellen falls. She's hurt her leg, and can't get up.
See what you've done, Kimbitchly McBitch?
She feels super guilty, and Rachel, as Ellen's best friend, yells at Kimberly. Mandy goes to call the police, but the phone lines are down. The storm is getting worse. Then a lightning bolt hits the power supply and all the lights go out. They manage to find a flashlight near the tent where they hid earlier, and Kimberly goes back to the employees only area to climb out the window. The window is higher than she remembered, so Jessica suggests using trash cans to build a pyramid she can climb to get to the window. Lila rips a couple of rubbish bags along the seams and makes a raincoat to keep Kim dryish.
Rachel is with Ellen, and Ellen explains that shes not angry. She likes some of Kimberly's ideas, and says it's up to the club to call her on her crazy. This time, no one told her when to stop. Ellen is very forgiving.
Kimberly climbs out the window, and is on the first floor roof. It takes about 6 seconds for her to fall.
The girls hear her scream and are freaking out and crying. But Kim didn't fall off, she only fell over. She's still on the roof, but just barely. She manages to crawl to a fire escape. The girls don't know this, though, and think she's outside injured. The awesome thing is, Ellen thinks the line "It was probably too late for Kimberly."
And that ends a paragraph. Way to be dramatic. Oh Sweet Valley, I love you. As if you'd kill off a Unicorn. They're too beautiful and special.
Kimberly climbs down the fire escape and pulls over a car. Conveniently, a police car! WOOT!
Another great ending line:
The nightmare was over.
Hahahahahahaha.
The others are still inside, pondering what to do, when Ellen sees a fire alarm. Mandy pulls it and it works! Too bad it's unnecessary!
The parental units arrive at the hospital and are rather very extremely cross. Kimberly had sent the cop to get an ambulance, and the paramedics had arrived just as Mandy had pulled the alarm. So there were a lot of EMS workers at the mall. Too bad Ellen didn't think of that earlier. Way to be helpful, dick. Turns out Ellen's ankle is only sprained, not broken.
The mall manager is also at the hospital, very very angry. His name is Mr Greedley, which makes me think of this guy:
Points for people who know who this is. :)
Anyway, Greedley is pissed about the mess the girls left and the icecream they ate, the CD they used, and some clothes ruined. Plus he blames them for breaking the window they climbed out of, but that was already broken.
Kimberly is apologetic, and claims responsibility and offers to pay. Greedley snorts sniffs and says a very greedy line:
"I don't care who pays for it, as long as someone does."
The others won't let Kim take the blame, and all claim responsibility. Fair enough. They were all there. Mrs Riteman is shocked. She really didn't think Ellen had anything to with it, despite the fact that she's sprained her ankle and is wearing a ruined fringed vest she stole from Hot Spot. Duh, Mrs Riteman. Mr Greedley gets impatient and wants his money, and the policewoman tells him to settle. Ellen asks if it would be ok if the club worked off their debt to the mall, coz they're broke. Lies. Lila's never broke. Mr Greedley makes them come in every Saturday for 3 weeks. Ooh. Hardcore community service.
And it all works out. Awww. The Unicorns are friends forever, or at least until Kimberly, Ellen, Rachel and Mandy end up at that mysterious "other" high school, and we are left with only Lila and Jessica to entertain us in SVH.
And that's a wrap!