Sweet Valley Jr. High#30: Too Many Goodbyes
Here is the final book of the SVJH series- which means this is one of the last Sweet Valley books ever written. How depressing.
Here's a nail-biter for ya: the Wakefields are moving to UTAH!
The twins on this cover aren't as pretty as the ones on the first SVJH cover. Is it a lack of photoshop? Are they the same set of twins, and the stress of posing for covers has sapped their Wakefield-quality beauty? Or are they different twins who don't quite measure up? They look kinda drugged-out and tired. Was this seriously the best photo they took? It makes me laugh how their cleavage is conveniently hidden by them each wearing two shirts.
Okay, so the story starts with journals. The twins have already been told of the dismal Utah news. If we didn't already know that they're in Sweet Valley til at least the end of cxollege, and no one can ever escape, then we might be sad for them. Nope. Everyone knows the twins would not function in the real world. The real world doesn't have crazy kidnapper-orderlies and psycho doppelgangers- at least, not usually.
Elizabeth is in love with Salvador. She's so sad she missed her chance to date him. She'll probably never see him again! As for Jess, she hasn't even told her boyfdriend Damon. She's debating saying she's dying of some rare disease, and then telling him she's kidding, she's only moving to Utah! He'll be so relieved, he'll even be happy!
If I was Damon, and she told me that way, I'd punch her in the face. I don't care if it's spousal abuse. Bitch needs a smackdown.
The twins are in hardcore mope-land. Lazing around on their beds, sighing and crying. Hey, I've moved before. Yeah, it blows, but you know what you do? Go and HANG OUT with your friends before you have to leave. You'll have plenty of time to mope in Utah. And note for any readers in Utah: they diss it a lot in this book. Justifiably? I don't know. I've never been there. Nor do I plan to. Everyone's general reaction when they discover the twins are moving is "WTF is in Utah?" FYI, they're moving for Ned's job. I get the feeling the lawyers in his firm want to palm him off to some place in the wop-wops because he fails at law. Fair enough.
Anyway, Ned and Alice make pancakes for the kids in an attempt to get them less apocalyptic. Jess swears she's never going to forgive him. Their lives are over! I really want to tell Jess that she'll survive a fuckload more stuff that's far more life-threatening than moving. You can't kill Wakefields. They're like cockroaches. Or Satan. Not Jesus, though.
Jess keeps putting off telling Damon, and she's acting so weird that Damon thinks she's going to break up with him. He starts hoping she's sick instead, and it's not relationship-related. (She was kind of sweaty, actually. She was definitely sick. Cool.) She still can't tell him, so instead he overhears Liz and Blue talking about it in the library. Damon doesn't mention anything to Jessica until she grows a pair and tells him when they're at the pizza parlour. He just shrugs and tells Jess he already knew. He's mad that she didn't tell him, and Jess thinks he doesn't care. He's being a real cock about it, and Jess runs out about to cry. How Elizabeth of her. Oh, and Kristin and Lacey are at the next booth and hear everything. Even Lacey thinks Damon was a jerk. Damon rushes outside to talk to Jess, but she's gone. He realises he hasn't paid for the food, and goes back in. Seriously? He just actually performed a perfect dine-and-dash, and he goes back INSIDE? Goody-goody.
Jess was stupid to tell him before they eat the pizza, coz it means neither of them want to eat it. I'd eat first. Nothing beats a good pizza.
God, Liz is so mopey. She's at a Zone meeting, and she thinks "Pretty soon I'd be gone, and then I'd never see another issue of the 'zine again." She sounds like she's about to top herself or something.
NOTE: What I love most about this book is how they mope and whine about leaving all their "amazing" friends and "wonderful" boyfriends, when we all know for a fact that they'll ALL be forgotten about by the time the twins are in high school. I believe Damon is the only one to make any kind of future appearance, and that's late in the Senior Year series. What, did everyone else die?
Kristin writes in her journal about how great Jessica is, and how much she's going to miss her. What will Kristin do without her?
Lacey writes in her journal about how lame Jessica is, and how easy it is to mock her (amen). What will Lacey do without her?
See that? See? They write the same thing, but different! It's so clever!
Liz wishes she could move to Big Mesa or L.A. or even San Diego. At least then she could bus it to Sweet Valley. I guarantee you Liz, you'd still grow apart. You almost never keep your friends from middle school anyway. Too much stuff changes.
She thinks about how she's had so many new crushes that Todd has become a distant memory. Hahaha. Crush-slut. Plus, Todd will never be a distant memory. You have many more years of The Todd. But never fear, you can cheat on him as much as you like.
Liz kisses Salvador on the cheek. In front of his grandma. I guess that's why Liz didn't make out with him. Pervy old lady ruins all her fun.
Jess screams at Ned at dinner. Liz and Jess emo it up some more. Their pain won't go away... ever. *rolls eyes* You can move back here for college, you twerps.
Later, Ned talks to Jess, and he looks so stressed out that Jess feels guilty. A rare moment in SV. She apologises, and they hug it out.
Ha ha. Lacey told the whole school, and everyone's talking about it, because no one has anything in their own life that's more important. Jess finally gets to shoot her down, saying she won't miss Lacey's "hideous face, pathetic fashion sense, and awful, awful breath." Lacey actually starts to lift her hand to cover her mouth. Snap!
All the twins' friends decide to plan a huge going away party for them. A surprise one! So the same thing happens to the twins that happens to everyone getting a surprise party in SV: no one is any good at being subtle and they all stop hanging out with the twins so they can plan the party. Salvador is particularly sub-par at keeping secrets, so he stays right away from Liz. Hence, the twins feel all neglected, and feel like their friends don't want them anymore. I swear, this happens EVERY DAMN TIME.
Salvador talks to Blue about how they're both hot for Liz, but Liz likes Sal better. Thing is, Liz realised her tennybopperlove for Sal WHILE she was dating Blue. This cheatin' heart don't ever rest. Sal should know that this will never work with her. She'll dump him, likely for Damon. She kisses Jess's boyfriends rather a lot.
Elizabeth wonders what the weather's like in Utah. It's not perfect blue skies 365.4 days a year, Liz. It might even... *gasp* rain!
A timeline explains how the elaborate plan is going. Bethel is on plate duty. They invite Lila (it's not a party without her). Lacey invites herself to the party. Everyone has plans for the weekend, except the twins. Liz and Jess stare at the phone, hoping it will ring. I laugh at them.
Big Noise, the band that consists of Damon (guitar), Salvador (vocals), Blue (drums) and Brian (sax) are practicing, and decide to play at the party. Damon wants to make out up with Jessica. Awwwww.
Liz confronts Sal about why he's being a wank. He just claims he's been really busy, and Liz yells that she regrets kissing him. Ha. Why regret a kiss? Kisses are fun, unless you catch a cold sore or mono or something. Maybe Sal is diseased. The first case of herpes in Sweet Valley. That should be an SVH book. SVH #145: The Big V.D. Outbreak. Liz could help cure everyone, even though she was the one who infected them all.
Aaaanyway, on Friday night, Alice takes the twins and Steven out for pizza. They cheer up. I told you nothing beats a good pizza. Liz thinks about how she'll always have Jessica and her family, and together they'll be all right.
Vomit.
They Wakefields come home, and SURPRISE! Party time! Plus, Big Noise is in the backyard playing Liz and Sal's song, "Oreo Eyes". Um, WTF? Jess and Damon make up, and have a cute moment alone in the dining room, kissing "like [they'd] never get the chance to kiss again." Then they just stand in the corner, holding each other. Naaaaw. Then they go dance, and Lacey tries to cut in, but Damon's like naaaah. Jess sticks her tongue out at Lacey. Oooh, real mature. That sure showed her, Jessica!
Liz and Blue work out their differences, and Liz kisses him on the cheek. All is perfect.
Then, old Neddy come home and gets all the Wakefields in the kitchen. The friends watch as they all yell and hug each other. Steven even does that extreme hug where you wrap your arms and legs around the person. Steve, you can do that to your dad when you're two, but not when you're fifteen.
But Ned brings good news! They're not moving! Bet you didn't expect that!
His law firm gave him a huge promotion if he'd stay. I guess they want him around to mock. Makes sense to me.
So the bittersweet night ends up being sweet sweet sweet. Damon kisses Jess, Sal kisses Liz, Brian kisses Kristin and Toby kisses Anna. Then Blue dips Ronald and fake kisses him, which immediately makes him my favourite character.
All is wonderful. It's a shame that chronologically, the next book is SVH#1: Double Love, and the twins have convieniently forgotten everyone at the party except Lila.
Here's a nail-biter for ya: the Wakefields are moving to UTAH!
The twins on this cover aren't as pretty as the ones on the first SVJH cover. Is it a lack of photoshop? Are they the same set of twins, and the stress of posing for covers has sapped their Wakefield-quality beauty? Or are they different twins who don't quite measure up? They look kinda drugged-out and tired. Was this seriously the best photo they took? It makes me laugh how their cleavage is conveniently hidden by them each wearing two shirts.
Okay, so the story starts with journals. The twins have already been told of the dismal Utah news. If we didn't already know that they're in Sweet Valley til at least the end of cxollege, and no one can ever escape, then we might be sad for them. Nope. Everyone knows the twins would not function in the real world. The real world doesn't have crazy kidnapper-orderlies and psycho doppelgangers- at least, not usually.
Elizabeth is in love with Salvador. She's so sad she missed her chance to date him. She'll probably never see him again! As for Jess, she hasn't even told her boyfdriend Damon. She's debating saying she's dying of some rare disease, and then telling him she's kidding, she's only moving to Utah! He'll be so relieved, he'll even be happy!
If I was Damon, and she told me that way, I'd punch her in the face. I don't care if it's spousal abuse. Bitch needs a smackdown.
The twins are in hardcore mope-land. Lazing around on their beds, sighing and crying. Hey, I've moved before. Yeah, it blows, but you know what you do? Go and HANG OUT with your friends before you have to leave. You'll have plenty of time to mope in Utah. And note for any readers in Utah: they diss it a lot in this book. Justifiably? I don't know. I've never been there. Nor do I plan to. Everyone's general reaction when they discover the twins are moving is "WTF is in Utah?" FYI, they're moving for Ned's job. I get the feeling the lawyers in his firm want to palm him off to some place in the wop-wops because he fails at law. Fair enough.
Anyway, Ned and Alice make pancakes for the kids in an attempt to get them less apocalyptic. Jess swears she's never going to forgive him. Their lives are over! I really want to tell Jess that she'll survive a fuckload more stuff that's far more life-threatening than moving. You can't kill Wakefields. They're like cockroaches. Or Satan. Not Jesus, though.
Jess keeps putting off telling Damon, and she's acting so weird that Damon thinks she's going to break up with him. He starts hoping she's sick instead, and it's not relationship-related. (She was kind of sweaty, actually. She was definitely sick. Cool.) She still can't tell him, so instead he overhears Liz and Blue talking about it in the library. Damon doesn't mention anything to Jessica until she grows a pair and tells him when they're at the pizza parlour. He just shrugs and tells Jess he already knew. He's mad that she didn't tell him, and Jess thinks he doesn't care. He's being a real cock about it, and Jess runs out about to cry. How Elizabeth of her. Oh, and Kristin and Lacey are at the next booth and hear everything. Even Lacey thinks Damon was a jerk. Damon rushes outside to talk to Jess, but she's gone. He realises he hasn't paid for the food, and goes back in. Seriously? He just actually performed a perfect dine-and-dash, and he goes back INSIDE? Goody-goody.
Jess was stupid to tell him before they eat the pizza, coz it means neither of them want to eat it. I'd eat first. Nothing beats a good pizza.
God, Liz is so mopey. She's at a Zone meeting, and she thinks "Pretty soon I'd be gone, and then I'd never see another issue of the 'zine again." She sounds like she's about to top herself or something.
NOTE: What I love most about this book is how they mope and whine about leaving all their "amazing" friends and "wonderful" boyfriends, when we all know for a fact that they'll ALL be forgotten about by the time the twins are in high school. I believe Damon is the only one to make any kind of future appearance, and that's late in the Senior Year series. What, did everyone else die?
Kristin writes in her journal about how great Jessica is, and how much she's going to miss her. What will Kristin do without her?
Lacey writes in her journal about how lame Jessica is, and how easy it is to mock her (amen). What will Lacey do without her?
See that? See? They write the same thing, but different! It's so clever!
Liz wishes she could move to Big Mesa or L.A. or even San Diego. At least then she could bus it to Sweet Valley. I guarantee you Liz, you'd still grow apart. You almost never keep your friends from middle school anyway. Too much stuff changes.
She thinks about how she's had so many new crushes that Todd has become a distant memory. Hahaha. Crush-slut. Plus, Todd will never be a distant memory. You have many more years of The Todd. But never fear, you can cheat on him as much as you like.
Liz kisses Salvador on the cheek. In front of his grandma. I guess that's why Liz didn't make out with him. Pervy old lady ruins all her fun.
Jess screams at Ned at dinner. Liz and Jess emo it up some more. Their pain won't go away... ever. *rolls eyes* You can move back here for college, you twerps.
Later, Ned talks to Jess, and he looks so stressed out that Jess feels guilty. A rare moment in SV. She apologises, and they hug it out.
Ha ha. Lacey told the whole school, and everyone's talking about it, because no one has anything in their own life that's more important. Jess finally gets to shoot her down, saying she won't miss Lacey's "hideous face, pathetic fashion sense, and awful, awful breath." Lacey actually starts to lift her hand to cover her mouth. Snap!
All the twins' friends decide to plan a huge going away party for them. A surprise one! So the same thing happens to the twins that happens to everyone getting a surprise party in SV: no one is any good at being subtle and they all stop hanging out with the twins so they can plan the party. Salvador is particularly sub-par at keeping secrets, so he stays right away from Liz. Hence, the twins feel all neglected, and feel like their friends don't want them anymore. I swear, this happens EVERY DAMN TIME.
Salvador talks to Blue about how they're both hot for Liz, but Liz likes Sal better. Thing is, Liz realised her tennybopperlove for Sal WHILE she was dating Blue. This cheatin' heart don't ever rest. Sal should know that this will never work with her. She'll dump him, likely for Damon. She kisses Jess's boyfriends rather a lot.
Elizabeth wonders what the weather's like in Utah. It's not perfect blue skies 365.4 days a year, Liz. It might even... *gasp* rain!
A timeline explains how the elaborate plan is going. Bethel is on plate duty. They invite Lila (it's not a party without her). Lacey invites herself to the party. Everyone has plans for the weekend, except the twins. Liz and Jess stare at the phone, hoping it will ring. I laugh at them.
Big Noise, the band that consists of Damon (guitar), Salvador (vocals), Blue (drums) and Brian (sax) are practicing, and decide to play at the party. Damon wants to make out up with Jessica. Awwwww.
Liz confronts Sal about why he's being a wank. He just claims he's been really busy, and Liz yells that she regrets kissing him. Ha. Why regret a kiss? Kisses are fun, unless you catch a cold sore or mono or something. Maybe Sal is diseased. The first case of herpes in Sweet Valley. That should be an SVH book. SVH #145: The Big V.D. Outbreak. Liz could help cure everyone, even though she was the one who infected them all.
Aaaanyway, on Friday night, Alice takes the twins and Steven out for pizza. They cheer up. I told you nothing beats a good pizza. Liz thinks about how she'll always have Jessica and her family, and together they'll be all right.
Vomit.
They Wakefields come home, and SURPRISE! Party time! Plus, Big Noise is in the backyard playing Liz and Sal's song, "Oreo Eyes". Um, WTF? Jess and Damon make up, and have a cute moment alone in the dining room, kissing "like [they'd] never get the chance to kiss again." Then they just stand in the corner, holding each other. Naaaaw. Then they go dance, and Lacey tries to cut in, but Damon's like naaaah. Jess sticks her tongue out at Lacey. Oooh, real mature. That sure showed her, Jessica!
Liz and Blue work out their differences, and Liz kisses him on the cheek. All is perfect.
Then, old Neddy come home and gets all the Wakefields in the kitchen. The friends watch as they all yell and hug each other. Steven even does that extreme hug where you wrap your arms and legs around the person. Steve, you can do that to your dad when you're two, but not when you're fifteen.
But Ned brings good news! They're not moving! Bet you didn't expect that!
His law firm gave him a huge promotion if he'd stay. I guess they want him around to mock. Makes sense to me.
So the bittersweet night ends up being sweet sweet sweet. Damon kisses Jess, Sal kisses Liz, Brian kisses Kristin and Toby kisses Anna. Then Blue dips Ronald and fake kisses him, which immediately makes him my favourite character.
All is wonderful. It's a shame that chronologically, the next book is SVH#1: Double Love, and the twins have convieniently forgotten everyone at the party except Lila.