Thank You Disillusionment
Felt like writing all of the sudden. I was saying to Connor how I’m ignoring my LJ more and more as I get farther and farther away from depression. But how can I stay away for to long, right? I’m guessing this post will be kinda random, as I’m feeling more relaxed and in touch with myself tonight then usual.
Got out of work 4 hours early today…normally I probably would have stayed on just because it was time and a half, but I had to get out of the shit hole early today. I got there and immediately I’m stuck in photo lab hell for 2 hours because I’m like the only one in the lab that has any freaking clue what’s going on. I really hope that the new supervisor kicks everyone in their collective asses, I’m getting tired of taking care of all the big customer complaints while we are in flux there. There’s a reason I didn’t take the Photo supervisor job after all.
I decided to take up that pent up frustration and work it toward applying for jobs. I haven’t done that for like 3 weeks (shame on me). It’s stupid of me, I get a job interview and then I don’t apply for jobs for the week until the interview then don’t apply for anything the week I’m waiting to see if I got the job and then I don’t apply for a job the week after I find out I didn’t get it. This is how I stay in this rut I call life, why do I lack the motivation so often to get out of it? I mean, Monster.com is the easiest shit ever to use. Literally it couldn’t be simpler to apply to a freakin job. Yet I manage to make up excuses for putting it off.
I applied to approx 5 jobs tonight though, so that’s something at least.
I made Monster.com my homepage to constantly remind me that I still work at CVS. I figure that I should put in at least 1 application somewhere each day. It honestly takes 15 minutes max, why haven’t I been doing this for like the last…what? Year? Good for me.
I know why. I love my life right now. Like I know a bitch and moan, but in reality I have such a comfortable life. Lots of awesome friends, family that doesn’t drive me ape shit, and a job that pays well enough that I can buy silly luxury items, go out and eat, go and drink and still have money to pay for bills (just barely lol). It’s a good life, it’s just that it’s the life that I can’t live forever. I got out of college and slacked off for a year, that’s totally cool. If I’m still in this position in a year I guess I would even be cool with that. But if 5 or 10 years down the road I am, I hope someone has the good sense to murder me.
There, I just gave myself a self-esteem boost. It’s been in the gutter for so very long.
How about Paul said that I’m cute. That also gave me a boost. How fucked up, like I think I’m so terrible looking. I have no problem with my head, I think I have exceptional hair and my face isn’t half bad. But my body is such a skinny mess. I wonder why I don’t bulk up. It would probably help me feel better about myself, anyone have suggestions on the best way to do that? Haha, imagine me lifting pounds and pounds of steel, fat chance there.
So I’m seeing Paul again tomorrow…I’m just so damn surprised he still wants to go out or whatever. After the first date I didn’t think he was to interested in me, but he was the one who brought up going out again…ASAP at that. I think he is really good looking, and that he wouldn’t be really all about me, at least looks wise. Could it be my abrasive as hell/sarcastic personality? I guess so. Probably had to do more with all the music and movie stuff we have in common though.
Why can’t I be nice btw? I was thinking that whenever I meet someone new I try to get attention by like poking fun at the person. Maybe I do it because it almost always gets me attention and makes the person remember me. It’s only after do I let them know that I’m just a sarcastic asshole and I’m incredibly sensitive about hurting people’s feelings. I probably should stop, but 90% of the time I don’t even notice I’m doing it. It’s that much of a habit, how awful.
God what a random post, I’m not sure if I’m happy or if I’m sad in it! I mean right now I feel pretty good, I’m just wondering if all this crap I write is more real when I’m writing negative or when I’m writing positive.
Can you tell that there is like, 1 person online?
Got out of work 4 hours early today…normally I probably would have stayed on just because it was time and a half, but I had to get out of the shit hole early today. I got there and immediately I’m stuck in photo lab hell for 2 hours because I’m like the only one in the lab that has any freaking clue what’s going on. I really hope that the new supervisor kicks everyone in their collective asses, I’m getting tired of taking care of all the big customer complaints while we are in flux there. There’s a reason I didn’t take the Photo supervisor job after all.
I decided to take up that pent up frustration and work it toward applying for jobs. I haven’t done that for like 3 weeks (shame on me). It’s stupid of me, I get a job interview and then I don’t apply for jobs for the week until the interview then don’t apply for anything the week I’m waiting to see if I got the job and then I don’t apply for a job the week after I find out I didn’t get it. This is how I stay in this rut I call life, why do I lack the motivation so often to get out of it? I mean, Monster.com is the easiest shit ever to use. Literally it couldn’t be simpler to apply to a freakin job. Yet I manage to make up excuses for putting it off.
I applied to approx 5 jobs tonight though, so that’s something at least.
I made Monster.com my homepage to constantly remind me that I still work at CVS. I figure that I should put in at least 1 application somewhere each day. It honestly takes 15 minutes max, why haven’t I been doing this for like the last…what? Year? Good for me.
I know why. I love my life right now. Like I know a bitch and moan, but in reality I have such a comfortable life. Lots of awesome friends, family that doesn’t drive me ape shit, and a job that pays well enough that I can buy silly luxury items, go out and eat, go and drink and still have money to pay for bills (just barely lol). It’s a good life, it’s just that it’s the life that I can’t live forever. I got out of college and slacked off for a year, that’s totally cool. If I’m still in this position in a year I guess I would even be cool with that. But if 5 or 10 years down the road I am, I hope someone has the good sense to murder me.
There, I just gave myself a self-esteem boost. It’s been in the gutter for so very long.
How about Paul said that I’m cute. That also gave me a boost. How fucked up, like I think I’m so terrible looking. I have no problem with my head, I think I have exceptional hair and my face isn’t half bad. But my body is such a skinny mess. I wonder why I don’t bulk up. It would probably help me feel better about myself, anyone have suggestions on the best way to do that? Haha, imagine me lifting pounds and pounds of steel, fat chance there.
So I’m seeing Paul again tomorrow…I’m just so damn surprised he still wants to go out or whatever. After the first date I didn’t think he was to interested in me, but he was the one who brought up going out again…ASAP at that. I think he is really good looking, and that he wouldn’t be really all about me, at least looks wise. Could it be my abrasive as hell/sarcastic personality? I guess so. Probably had to do more with all the music and movie stuff we have in common though.
Why can’t I be nice btw? I was thinking that whenever I meet someone new I try to get attention by like poking fun at the person. Maybe I do it because it almost always gets me attention and makes the person remember me. It’s only after do I let them know that I’m just a sarcastic asshole and I’m incredibly sensitive about hurting people’s feelings. I probably should stop, but 90% of the time I don’t even notice I’m doing it. It’s that much of a habit, how awful.
God what a random post, I’m not sure if I’m happy or if I’m sad in it! I mean right now I feel pretty good, I’m just wondering if all this crap I write is more real when I’m writing negative or when I’m writing positive.
Can you tell that there is like, 1 person online?