Yep...I'm in a mess again.
Kelena was in an EXCEPTIONALLY good mood today. We had a long talk about many things. None pertaining to 'us' in particular, but on the whole, she sounds like she's worlds apart from where she was 2 months ago. I am far from giving up hope on us, and the conversations of today only reinforce that. There are still many things to work out, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
That being said, I had...a little too much to drink the other night. Alcohol makes me honest. Well, I shouldn't quite put it like that. Alcohol removes my internal censor and as a result I start saying things which are perfectly fine left alone. I started flirting with someone who (I'll admit) I have a crush on. Have had for a wee bit. She knew, because people can read me like a fucking book. The whole situation is complicated. She's not exactly single. Neither am I. So, how to proceed...I don't know.
I don't want to completely shut myself down to other possibilities (after all, I still don't know exactly what will transpire between Kelena and I or when) but I know that I love Kelena and I really want to be with her, even if it's only to see our relationship to its natural conclusion. I'm afraid of not being able to give someone else what they need because my heart belongs to another person. I'm also afraid of getting involved with someone else. What happens if I get a couple of months into a relationship and I find that Kelena's ready to give 'us' another shot? I can't just drop someone like that, nor would I. Do I risk losing my chance, having some new guy realize what I know, and forever be condemned to wondering what could have happened?
I'll always have her as a friend, of that much I'm sure. But...I have so much hope for more. I really feel that I've connected with her in a way I've not quite been able to match up to this point. I've loved other girls, but I've never felt such a deep connetion. It almost seems guttural.
I have to get to bed. Insights, as always, would be appreciated.
That being said, I had...a little too much to drink the other night. Alcohol makes me honest. Well, I shouldn't quite put it like that. Alcohol removes my internal censor and as a result I start saying things which are perfectly fine left alone. I started flirting with someone who (I'll admit) I have a crush on. Have had for a wee bit. She knew, because people can read me like a fucking book. The whole situation is complicated. She's not exactly single. Neither am I. So, how to proceed...I don't know.
I don't want to completely shut myself down to other possibilities (after all, I still don't know exactly what will transpire between Kelena and I or when) but I know that I love Kelena and I really want to be with her, even if it's only to see our relationship to its natural conclusion. I'm afraid of not being able to give someone else what they need because my heart belongs to another person. I'm also afraid of getting involved with someone else. What happens if I get a couple of months into a relationship and I find that Kelena's ready to give 'us' another shot? I can't just drop someone like that, nor would I. Do I risk losing my chance, having some new guy realize what I know, and forever be condemned to wondering what could have happened?
I'll always have her as a friend, of that much I'm sure. But...I have so much hope for more. I really feel that I've connected with her in a way I've not quite been able to match up to this point. I've loved other girls, but I've never felt such a deep connetion. It almost seems guttural.
I have to get to bed. Insights, as always, would be appreciated.