reflections...
so, last night i read over my first couple months of journal entries...no real reason, just did...and it really made me think...A LOT...
kind of comparing who i was at that time to who i am now...i miss some of the parts of me back then...my blunt openness..my constant chasing of someone...how easily i flipped head over heels for someone...went running in heart first, unafraid...and it really forced me to kind of look at me now...
over the last few years, i really closed off in a lot of ways...i dunno why...i think maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that when i first started this journal, i was kind of going through the break up with the ex fiance...hell, reading the entry on the night we were supposed to be married was really odd...
part of me wonders how much of it was the drugs at the time...i was going through some crazy addictions...the biggest one being crystal meth...if you look back on some of the earlier entries, you can feel the madness in the posts...then i laughed triumphantly...now, i grin and hold back the cringe of how fucked up i was...
but it bugs me that i was more open then...maybe i'm jaded now...maybe part of me has just given up on trying to find someone...maybe i'm constantly guarding myself from the pain that someone might inflict that i can't get past that initial feel...i dunno...
looking back, that's the one thing i wish i still had then that i have now...my ability to fall that hard over someone just by a look...or by a smile...instead of trying to over analyze every facet of a person...
is it weird to realize that it's not really the sex i miss anymore...it's the waking up next to someone there?...
kind of comparing who i was at that time to who i am now...i miss some of the parts of me back then...my blunt openness..my constant chasing of someone...how easily i flipped head over heels for someone...went running in heart first, unafraid...and it really forced me to kind of look at me now...
over the last few years, i really closed off in a lot of ways...i dunno why...i think maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that when i first started this journal, i was kind of going through the break up with the ex fiance...hell, reading the entry on the night we were supposed to be married was really odd...
part of me wonders how much of it was the drugs at the time...i was going through some crazy addictions...the biggest one being crystal meth...if you look back on some of the earlier entries, you can feel the madness in the posts...then i laughed triumphantly...now, i grin and hold back the cringe of how fucked up i was...
but it bugs me that i was more open then...maybe i'm jaded now...maybe part of me has just given up on trying to find someone...maybe i'm constantly guarding myself from the pain that someone might inflict that i can't get past that initial feel...i dunno...
looking back, that's the one thing i wish i still had then that i have now...my ability to fall that hard over someone just by a look...or by a smile...instead of trying to over analyze every facet of a person...
is it weird to realize that it's not really the sex i miss anymore...it's the waking up next to someone there?...