Walk in the Night
Title: Walk in the Night
Pairing: Mikey/Gerard
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is (somewhat) based on the song Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, but not so much in this part. Maybe in the next part…
It's 3 am and Gerard isn't home. He isn't drawing furiously under the light of a single lamp, like he usually does. He isn't even laying in the dark, staring at nothing yet everything. I know this because I'm in his room. I know this because I'm sitting on the floor by his bed. I know this because I was waiting for him to leave…
I don't know why he leaves. I don't think he even knows that I know he does. He always follows a schedule, though; sneaks out after mom and dad are sleep then returns before 1:00…but this time he's late, really late. And I'm worried.
Usually I hide out in the dark of the hallway. From there I can hear the familiar rasping of his window as he slides it up, and then the soft thump as his shoes hit the ground. When I can't hear his footsteps echoing down the street and I'm sure he's not coming back, I open the door to his room and go inside. I don't do anything in there; I just like being in there. His room is way cooler than mine, with posters everywhere on his black walls and comic collections scattered all over his desk. Sometimes he even has the ones he makes out in the open. Those are my favorites even though a lot of the adults call them "disturbing," but I don't care, he made them.
He left some out tonight and I tried to make out the figures illuminated by the streetlights through the dark curtains. It's a new drawing of two boys. One boy, smiling and wearing glasses, stands in the light with his back to the other boy. The other boy stands near the dark and is looking down, ink-black hair half covering his face as piercing crimson eyes emerge from the darkness and dripping blood- red claws reach out to him. After I saw it, I sat by his bed and never moved from it. That was around 1:27.
I turn my back from the bed and shift sideways so I can put my arm up on the bed. I'm not used to staying up this late. Mom doesn't even let me stay up past 10, but ever since I found out Gerard's secret, I readjusted to a new sleeping pattern. Even then I only stayed up until he returned, then quietly tiptoed back to my own room where I slept peacefully the rest of the night away. Now I'm getting too drowsy to even keep my eyes fully open, but I do because until I know that my brother is back home safe, I can't go to sleep.
I rest my forehead on the edge of the bed and sigh, the crumpled sheets still smelling distinctly like Gerard, of pencil wood and graphite, sweat and stale smoke. I inhale, then start to cough at breathing too much of it in, hoping that I don't have an asthma attack and wake mom and dad. I cover my mouth with my hands and squeeze my eyes close, willing myself to calm down and breathe evenly.
But I don't and as tears threaten to spill over my eyes, it feels like everything inside of me is just on the brink of exploding out. It's 3:34 in the morning and Gerard is missing, I don't know where he is, where he's gone, if he's okay or dying, and oh god I can't do anything, I don't want to lose my brother… I curl up to the bed, coughing and sobbing into the sheets, not able to hold it in any longer. "Gerard, where are you…?"
When I feel strong hands begin to rub small circles on my back, my eyes go wide and I scramble back on my knees, one hand on the floor and the other still pressed firmly to my mouth. "Gerard!" I choke out between heaves. "I-I…I was worried about you…I was waiting…for you…" I look up at him as he kneels there, face hidden by the dark and silent. I can't tell if he's mad or sad or anything, but his touch was so comforting. It's what he always does when I have an attack, to help me through it and feel better. I drop my head, quickly wiping the tears away from my eyes underneath my glasses and shake my head. "I'm sorry. Please don't be mad… Please say something, anything."
I sniff a few times, trying to compose myself. It's okay now, I realize. Gerard is back, he didn't die, he's here with me. I don't have to be so worried anymore. But I still feel a disquiet I can't put my finger on.
Gerard stays silent for the longest time. He's just sitting back on his heels, arms resting over his knees, facing me. I'd like to know what he's thinking, what's going through his mind, but there are no drawings for this moment, no pictures that show how he's feeling. It's the furthest I've ever felt disconnected from him.
A strange silence falls over the room. The only sounds float in from the street and I begin to wonder where Gerard's been. I begin to wonder about a lot more, but Gerard begins to speak.
"Mikey, you've been waiting up for me?" he asks, taking me by surprise a little. I was expecting…I don't know what I was expecting, but not the soft tone, the concern in his voice. He sits by me, his left leg propped up and his arm resting on it. I look up at him, his dark eyes shining somewhat brightly from this angle. His gaze holds my eyes for the longest time, and a smile forms halfway on his lips. "You are something else, you know that?" He sounds so sad that I have to find out what's wrong, and where he goes.
"Gerard?" I begin, and he nods slightly as he twirls a silver lighter in his left hand. "Gee, where do you go at night?" He stops spinning the lighter in mid-rotation and tenses up. A moment passes by before he clicks on the lighter, the little flame casting an odd glow on our faces and hands.
Gerard stares into the flame and says, "Mikey, do you ever feel like you're alone in the world? That there's no one else who could possibly understand you? That the world just isn't for you?" He glances at me and I don't say anything, don't do anything but hold my breath, because if I say "yes," he'll know I'm lying. If I exhale, the flame will be put out and I'll be left in darkness.
"The world's a fucked-up place, Mikey. It's not for me… Most days I'd toss it all away, just to make it all stop. Some days I numb it all away and not give a damn about any of it. There's only been one thing to keep me going, though…" he trails off as he lets the light go out. The darkness envelops us again, and this time I'm not scared of it because Gerard is with me and with Gerard I'm safe. "And you want to know where I go at night?" he continues, watching me through the dark. "Depends on the night, but mostly I just…walk around. That's all." He stands and pats me on the shoulder. "But look, it's 4 am, you should be in bed, kid. You know ma would freak if she knew you were up."
My eyes follow my brother as he walks to the wall and leans against it, peering outside on the street. I pull my knees up to my chin and rest my head on them. My mind is filled with so many thoughts that I don't know if I'll ever be able to sort through them and understand them. I know my brother isn't like others, especially people in school. I hear the whispers in the hallways. I hear them talk behind our backs. Whenever I ever get Gerard to smile in school, which is so rare that each time I wished I could freeze time just to see him smile forever, if someone says something beneath their breath, he would become quiet and his smile would fade, replaced instead with a look of complete disgust. But those others are stupid kids who don't know anything about anything. Gerard may be different, but I can't imagine him any other way, nor would I want to.
I rock back and forth slightly, the aftershocks of what he told me still going through me. After a minute, I realize that he's been studying me from the window. I flush slightly, but in the dark no one would be able to tell anyway. I clear my throat and blink my eyes. Something he said is weighing in the back of my mind, but I can't remember what it was, so I just settle for standing up instead. I fiddle with the edge of my shirt before I walk over to him.
He keeps his gaze steady on me. I don't freak or anything, I'm used to Gerard's stares, which are pretty intense, but I like them. They make me feel he's really paying attention to me.
Without a thought, I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a hug. He relaxes and wraps his arms under mine and squeezes back. "I'm glad you're back, Gerard," I murmur against his chest, his heart beating underneath my cheek. "And…you're never alone. I'll always be with you."
I nuzzle his neck for a moment, then press my lips to his cheek in a quick kiss. I lick a salty wetness from my lips and realize I must have kissed a tear. "I love you, Gee," I whisper softly before letting go of him. He looks at me with eyes shiny and I smile a little in the dark, then move towards the door. "Good night…"
"Hey, Mikey?" he asks before I can twist the doorknob open and I stop.
"Yeah?" My heart beats a little faster.
"Did you want to know what's been helping me through it all?" A small breeze comes in through the window and ruffles his hair, half-covering his face in blackness.
"What?" I reply, my breathing coming faster and shallower.
He pauses a moment, then says, "You." I feel my heart give a jump, and I blush faintly. I don't know what to say, but he says it for me, "Good night, Mikey." I nod and smile, and as I leave out the door, I can swear I hear him say, "I love you, too."
__________
[A/N] Well, that's my first completed and posted MCR fic. I really hope you all enjoy it as much as I loved writing it. It was really fun writing it and I'm really very fond of it, so comment and review, please, because they equal love ^_^
Pairing: Mikey/Gerard
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is (somewhat) based on the song Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, but not so much in this part. Maybe in the next part…
It's 3 am and Gerard isn't home. He isn't drawing furiously under the light of a single lamp, like he usually does. He isn't even laying in the dark, staring at nothing yet everything. I know this because I'm in his room. I know this because I'm sitting on the floor by his bed. I know this because I was waiting for him to leave…
I don't know why he leaves. I don't think he even knows that I know he does. He always follows a schedule, though; sneaks out after mom and dad are sleep then returns before 1:00…but this time he's late, really late. And I'm worried.
Usually I hide out in the dark of the hallway. From there I can hear the familiar rasping of his window as he slides it up, and then the soft thump as his shoes hit the ground. When I can't hear his footsteps echoing down the street and I'm sure he's not coming back, I open the door to his room and go inside. I don't do anything in there; I just like being in there. His room is way cooler than mine, with posters everywhere on his black walls and comic collections scattered all over his desk. Sometimes he even has the ones he makes out in the open. Those are my favorites even though a lot of the adults call them "disturbing," but I don't care, he made them.
He left some out tonight and I tried to make out the figures illuminated by the streetlights through the dark curtains. It's a new drawing of two boys. One boy, smiling and wearing glasses, stands in the light with his back to the other boy. The other boy stands near the dark and is looking down, ink-black hair half covering his face as piercing crimson eyes emerge from the darkness and dripping blood- red claws reach out to him. After I saw it, I sat by his bed and never moved from it. That was around 1:27.
I turn my back from the bed and shift sideways so I can put my arm up on the bed. I'm not used to staying up this late. Mom doesn't even let me stay up past 10, but ever since I found out Gerard's secret, I readjusted to a new sleeping pattern. Even then I only stayed up until he returned, then quietly tiptoed back to my own room where I slept peacefully the rest of the night away. Now I'm getting too drowsy to even keep my eyes fully open, but I do because until I know that my brother is back home safe, I can't go to sleep.
I rest my forehead on the edge of the bed and sigh, the crumpled sheets still smelling distinctly like Gerard, of pencil wood and graphite, sweat and stale smoke. I inhale, then start to cough at breathing too much of it in, hoping that I don't have an asthma attack and wake mom and dad. I cover my mouth with my hands and squeeze my eyes close, willing myself to calm down and breathe evenly.
But I don't and as tears threaten to spill over my eyes, it feels like everything inside of me is just on the brink of exploding out. It's 3:34 in the morning and Gerard is missing, I don't know where he is, where he's gone, if he's okay or dying, and oh god I can't do anything, I don't want to lose my brother… I curl up to the bed, coughing and sobbing into the sheets, not able to hold it in any longer. "Gerard, where are you…?"
When I feel strong hands begin to rub small circles on my back, my eyes go wide and I scramble back on my knees, one hand on the floor and the other still pressed firmly to my mouth. "Gerard!" I choke out between heaves. "I-I…I was worried about you…I was waiting…for you…" I look up at him as he kneels there, face hidden by the dark and silent. I can't tell if he's mad or sad or anything, but his touch was so comforting. It's what he always does when I have an attack, to help me through it and feel better. I drop my head, quickly wiping the tears away from my eyes underneath my glasses and shake my head. "I'm sorry. Please don't be mad… Please say something, anything."
I sniff a few times, trying to compose myself. It's okay now, I realize. Gerard is back, he didn't die, he's here with me. I don't have to be so worried anymore. But I still feel a disquiet I can't put my finger on.
Gerard stays silent for the longest time. He's just sitting back on his heels, arms resting over his knees, facing me. I'd like to know what he's thinking, what's going through his mind, but there are no drawings for this moment, no pictures that show how he's feeling. It's the furthest I've ever felt disconnected from him.
A strange silence falls over the room. The only sounds float in from the street and I begin to wonder where Gerard's been. I begin to wonder about a lot more, but Gerard begins to speak.
"Mikey, you've been waiting up for me?" he asks, taking me by surprise a little. I was expecting…I don't know what I was expecting, but not the soft tone, the concern in his voice. He sits by me, his left leg propped up and his arm resting on it. I look up at him, his dark eyes shining somewhat brightly from this angle. His gaze holds my eyes for the longest time, and a smile forms halfway on his lips. "You are something else, you know that?" He sounds so sad that I have to find out what's wrong, and where he goes.
"Gerard?" I begin, and he nods slightly as he twirls a silver lighter in his left hand. "Gee, where do you go at night?" He stops spinning the lighter in mid-rotation and tenses up. A moment passes by before he clicks on the lighter, the little flame casting an odd glow on our faces and hands.
Gerard stares into the flame and says, "Mikey, do you ever feel like you're alone in the world? That there's no one else who could possibly understand you? That the world just isn't for you?" He glances at me and I don't say anything, don't do anything but hold my breath, because if I say "yes," he'll know I'm lying. If I exhale, the flame will be put out and I'll be left in darkness.
"The world's a fucked-up place, Mikey. It's not for me… Most days I'd toss it all away, just to make it all stop. Some days I numb it all away and not give a damn about any of it. There's only been one thing to keep me going, though…" he trails off as he lets the light go out. The darkness envelops us again, and this time I'm not scared of it because Gerard is with me and with Gerard I'm safe. "And you want to know where I go at night?" he continues, watching me through the dark. "Depends on the night, but mostly I just…walk around. That's all." He stands and pats me on the shoulder. "But look, it's 4 am, you should be in bed, kid. You know ma would freak if she knew you were up."
My eyes follow my brother as he walks to the wall and leans against it, peering outside on the street. I pull my knees up to my chin and rest my head on them. My mind is filled with so many thoughts that I don't know if I'll ever be able to sort through them and understand them. I know my brother isn't like others, especially people in school. I hear the whispers in the hallways. I hear them talk behind our backs. Whenever I ever get Gerard to smile in school, which is so rare that each time I wished I could freeze time just to see him smile forever, if someone says something beneath their breath, he would become quiet and his smile would fade, replaced instead with a look of complete disgust. But those others are stupid kids who don't know anything about anything. Gerard may be different, but I can't imagine him any other way, nor would I want to.
I rock back and forth slightly, the aftershocks of what he told me still going through me. After a minute, I realize that he's been studying me from the window. I flush slightly, but in the dark no one would be able to tell anyway. I clear my throat and blink my eyes. Something he said is weighing in the back of my mind, but I can't remember what it was, so I just settle for standing up instead. I fiddle with the edge of my shirt before I walk over to him.
He keeps his gaze steady on me. I don't freak or anything, I'm used to Gerard's stares, which are pretty intense, but I like them. They make me feel he's really paying attention to me.
Without a thought, I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a hug. He relaxes and wraps his arms under mine and squeezes back. "I'm glad you're back, Gerard," I murmur against his chest, his heart beating underneath my cheek. "And…you're never alone. I'll always be with you."
I nuzzle his neck for a moment, then press my lips to his cheek in a quick kiss. I lick a salty wetness from my lips and realize I must have kissed a tear. "I love you, Gee," I whisper softly before letting go of him. He looks at me with eyes shiny and I smile a little in the dark, then move towards the door. "Good night…"
"Hey, Mikey?" he asks before I can twist the doorknob open and I stop.
"Yeah?" My heart beats a little faster.
"Did you want to know what's been helping me through it all?" A small breeze comes in through the window and ruffles his hair, half-covering his face in blackness.
"What?" I reply, my breathing coming faster and shallower.
He pauses a moment, then says, "You." I feel my heart give a jump, and I blush faintly. I don't know what to say, but he says it for me, "Good night, Mikey." I nod and smile, and as I leave out the door, I can swear I hear him say, "I love you, too."
__________
[A/N] Well, that's my first completed and posted MCR fic. I really hope you all enjoy it as much as I loved writing it. It was really fun writing it and I'm really very fond of it, so comment and review, please, because they equal love ^_^