(no subject)
i know i said that the last update, bla bla bla...
but jesus christ i want to hate him so bad for being such a moron. it's fucking obvious that he cares. the look on his face when i said it and again the day after in the car before he caught himself and schooled his features back into that blank "whatever" expression said so.
fuck him. fuck you. fuck all of this. fuck me for even thinking for a second that just being myself for once might get me somewhere. whatever. i'm not good enough for him, or he's not looking for a relationship, whatever. it's fucking dumb. we're already fucking in a relationship! that's what this has been all along only we've been sitting around pretending like it's not. fine. FUCKING FINE. i'll play that game.
and the thing is is he's so fucking good at lying to himself that even if he does realise how good we could be, and even if he does miss me, he'll never admit it, not even to himself. so i give up. he can call me or he can not call me. i'll just text him his portion of the cell phone bill every month and leave it at that but i am FUCKING SICK of putting all of the effort into this. friendship or more it was still me putting forth the effort. and he didnt want to care so he didnt let himself. dosent let himself. fine fine fucking fine.
the milk bar is closed. if you care, prove it, if not, dont. this goes for all of you, not just justin.
and yea, i'm the idiot for letting myself love him. i'm a glutton for punishment. I knew I KNEW this would go nowhere. he hasnt got the balls to throw caution to the wind and try something. he never has. "free spirit" my ass. that's just a cowards way of saying "this isnt worth trying cause i might get hurt" or maybe it's a cowards way of saying "you're not good enough." either way, he's callow and a coward.
the other sierra said she asked him once what we were and his responce was "i dont know... she's cute."
it's funny how if he had just once called me cute to my face, or given me a genuine complement i wouldnt be sitting here right now wondering if he ever actually cared.
ani said it best.
"i dont know what in my life has meaning,
my dear, meaning you.
but i'd like to state for the record,
i did everything that i could do."
"so i let go the ratio
of things said to thing heard
as i leave you to your garden
and the beauty you preferred
and i wonder what of this
will have meaning for you
when you've left it all behind
i guess i'll even wonder
if you meant it
at the time"
but jesus christ i want to hate him so bad for being such a moron. it's fucking obvious that he cares. the look on his face when i said it and again the day after in the car before he caught himself and schooled his features back into that blank "whatever" expression said so.
fuck him. fuck you. fuck all of this. fuck me for even thinking for a second that just being myself for once might get me somewhere. whatever. i'm not good enough for him, or he's not looking for a relationship, whatever. it's fucking dumb. we're already fucking in a relationship! that's what this has been all along only we've been sitting around pretending like it's not. fine. FUCKING FINE. i'll play that game.
and the thing is is he's so fucking good at lying to himself that even if he does realise how good we could be, and even if he does miss me, he'll never admit it, not even to himself. so i give up. he can call me or he can not call me. i'll just text him his portion of the cell phone bill every month and leave it at that but i am FUCKING SICK of putting all of the effort into this. friendship or more it was still me putting forth the effort. and he didnt want to care so he didnt let himself. dosent let himself. fine fine fucking fine.
the milk bar is closed. if you care, prove it, if not, dont. this goes for all of you, not just justin.
and yea, i'm the idiot for letting myself love him. i'm a glutton for punishment. I knew I KNEW this would go nowhere. he hasnt got the balls to throw caution to the wind and try something. he never has. "free spirit" my ass. that's just a cowards way of saying "this isnt worth trying cause i might get hurt" or maybe it's a cowards way of saying "you're not good enough." either way, he's callow and a coward.
the other sierra said she asked him once what we were and his responce was "i dont know... she's cute."
it's funny how if he had just once called me cute to my face, or given me a genuine complement i wouldnt be sitting here right now wondering if he ever actually cared.
ani said it best.
"i dont know what in my life has meaning,
my dear, meaning you.
but i'd like to state for the record,
i did everything that i could do."
"so i let go the ratio
of things said to thing heard
as i leave you to your garden
and the beauty you preferred
and i wonder what of this
will have meaning for you
when you've left it all behind
i guess i'll even wonder
if you meant it
at the time"