random updates
Boys are evil and also the devil. I have come to this conclusion by careful study and also because I am kindof/sortof dating one... though he thinks of himself as a man, i find it highly disturbing to describe him as such when i still refer to myself as a little girl on a regular basis.
It breaks down like this:
How the hell do you people of the penis having persuasion get off laying in bed with a girl whom you've been laying in bed with for two months now, and telling her you're not ready for a relationship (which is fine, mind you, she's not looking for one either and is quite content how things are minus the wishy-washy-ness of you people of the oppisite sex) and then, the very next day tell said girls mother it's fine and fucking dandy to refer to you as her boyfriend. boyfriend? wtf is that anyway? are we twelve? I am so fucking sick of headgames.
never get involved with your best friend. it's a bad plan.
so anyway, it gets better. following the boyfriend comment the two of you go to visit your mother (you're the moron, btw.) where upon you say nothing when she and her friends refer to her as your girlfriend, and, AND you make plans for christmas together... and then you go home and go to bed together, and obviously some stuff happens and then THEN, you dont kiss her for three days. why? because you're not a man, you're a fucking child and you're terrified of crossing this imaginary line like everything's going to change because instead of just being monogomous together, which you already are, you say it out loud. and instead of everyone asking questions and your having to explain that no, you're just friends (while all your roomates and close friends roll their eyes and try not to laugh at the odacity of the entire situation) you just say "yes."
I dont get this. whatever. To me, the only difference between what's going on now and what would be going on if we were a "couple" would be this: instead of the standing rule that if you decide to sleep with someone else you tell me because i dont want involved in the world of possible disease and unwanted pregnancies and emotions involved in having multiple partners, I would trust you not to. I still trust you not to. I know you. it's been months and the very closest you've come to doing anything with another girl was to flirt with her in front of me and watch me for my reaction. I'm not dumb.
plus, keith has a big mouth.
anyway, the conclusion here is that boys are morons, and ignoring me when you get freaked out isnt going to make any of this go away, so give up and let it flow. i'm not asking for anything you're unwilling to give, so stop freaking out about the c word.
boys are dumb.
on a side note, if anyone has a computer that is less than ten years old (which mine turns this december) and wants to get rid of it, feel free to send it to me for christmas or any other such holiday... extra ram/hard drives etc are also welcome. my Frankinputer is starting to shit the bed and i dont know what i'd do without Ike.
there is a cricket in the house and it's driving me insane. i have been driving my friend becky's car around without a licence for a few days now. shhh.
what else? oh yea. i'm moving/have moved to lisbon, new addy to follow as soon as i figure out what street i live on. not that i'll be there much. justin and i work the same shift and will be driving together with his roomate phil which means four days a week and then some i'll be sleeping at his place. not that i'm not there all the time anyway.
I dont know. life is crazy. i think i'm going to do the work/home/work/bar/home/work/home thing for a while, and give me and justin some time appart. maybe that's what we need. maybe he'll realise he doesnt want me at all. maybe he'll realise he wants me more than he thought. maybe nothing will change at all and he and phill will still come home to Jessida (phil's girlfriend) and i reading copies of Penthouse letters donated to the boys appartment by his mother and maybe they'll still make silly comments like "aww, look at our girls all grown up and readin' porn" like the morons they are. Maybe I'll get over this random crush thing that i've never expierenced before and stop thinking that i could fall in love with him if things went right and maybe i'll give up and move on and go back to the way i was when i was single and happy and had no need for men. I have no need for men... but still... he gives me butterflies when he hugs me and my stomache does flip flops when he rubs my neck and my heart flutters when his lips touch my fingers as i offer him a drag of my ciggarette...
why does this have to be so complecated? why cant things just stay the way they are when they're good? why cant he just say whether he wants me instead of acting it sometimes and acting the exact oppisite other times?
I wish i had the guts to give up. but alas, my old age has addled my brains and i have become an optimist.
who the fuck wants to love an optimist?
It breaks down like this:
How the hell do you people of the penis having persuasion get off laying in bed with a girl whom you've been laying in bed with for two months now, and telling her you're not ready for a relationship (which is fine, mind you, she's not looking for one either and is quite content how things are minus the wishy-washy-ness of you people of the oppisite sex) and then, the very next day tell said girls mother it's fine and fucking dandy to refer to you as her boyfriend. boyfriend? wtf is that anyway? are we twelve? I am so fucking sick of headgames.
never get involved with your best friend. it's a bad plan.
so anyway, it gets better. following the boyfriend comment the two of you go to visit your mother (you're the moron, btw.) where upon you say nothing when she and her friends refer to her as your girlfriend, and, AND you make plans for christmas together... and then you go home and go to bed together, and obviously some stuff happens and then THEN, you dont kiss her for three days. why? because you're not a man, you're a fucking child and you're terrified of crossing this imaginary line like everything's going to change because instead of just being monogomous together, which you already are, you say it out loud. and instead of everyone asking questions and your having to explain that no, you're just friends (while all your roomates and close friends roll their eyes and try not to laugh at the odacity of the entire situation) you just say "yes."
I dont get this. whatever. To me, the only difference between what's going on now and what would be going on if we were a "couple" would be this: instead of the standing rule that if you decide to sleep with someone else you tell me because i dont want involved in the world of possible disease and unwanted pregnancies and emotions involved in having multiple partners, I would trust you not to. I still trust you not to. I know you. it's been months and the very closest you've come to doing anything with another girl was to flirt with her in front of me and watch me for my reaction. I'm not dumb.
plus, keith has a big mouth.
anyway, the conclusion here is that boys are morons, and ignoring me when you get freaked out isnt going to make any of this go away, so give up and let it flow. i'm not asking for anything you're unwilling to give, so stop freaking out about the c word.
boys are dumb.
on a side note, if anyone has a computer that is less than ten years old (which mine turns this december) and wants to get rid of it, feel free to send it to me for christmas or any other such holiday... extra ram/hard drives etc are also welcome. my Frankinputer is starting to shit the bed and i dont know what i'd do without Ike.
there is a cricket in the house and it's driving me insane. i have been driving my friend becky's car around without a licence for a few days now. shhh.
what else? oh yea. i'm moving/have moved to lisbon, new addy to follow as soon as i figure out what street i live on. not that i'll be there much. justin and i work the same shift and will be driving together with his roomate phil which means four days a week and then some i'll be sleeping at his place. not that i'm not there all the time anyway.
I dont know. life is crazy. i think i'm going to do the work/home/work/bar/home/work/home thing for a while, and give me and justin some time appart. maybe that's what we need. maybe he'll realise he doesnt want me at all. maybe he'll realise he wants me more than he thought. maybe nothing will change at all and he and phill will still come home to Jessida (phil's girlfriend) and i reading copies of Penthouse letters donated to the boys appartment by his mother and maybe they'll still make silly comments like "aww, look at our girls all grown up and readin' porn" like the morons they are. Maybe I'll get over this random crush thing that i've never expierenced before and stop thinking that i could fall in love with him if things went right and maybe i'll give up and move on and go back to the way i was when i was single and happy and had no need for men. I have no need for men... but still... he gives me butterflies when he hugs me and my stomache does flip flops when he rubs my neck and my heart flutters when his lips touch my fingers as i offer him a drag of my ciggarette...
why does this have to be so complecated? why cant things just stay the way they are when they're good? why cant he just say whether he wants me instead of acting it sometimes and acting the exact oppisite other times?
I wish i had the guts to give up. but alas, my old age has addled my brains and i have become an optimist.
who the fuck wants to love an optimist?