dont read this...its stupid and pointless
i dont really know why i am so upset....maybe bc i just ate 4 tacos, 10 cookies, a pint of ice cream and about a gallon of soda...and i am real naseuous and real confused...i have been really confused a lot lately...so much so that mrs pisarski stays up at night and worries that i might not make the right choices in life and then she calls becca at 11 in the morning and leaves her a voicemail to make sure i am okay and not under any pressure at all....shes a pretty amazing person....their entire family is pretty amazing...and i always feel so loved walking into that house....even mcduff always seems to be so happy and excited to see me....i have never felt so completely comfortable in a house that isnt even my own....its nice to feel so at home even when i am not in my home...i guess i am just really homesick a lot recently bc being at school makes me really miss home...and my family....because they are ridiculous and crazy and insane but i love them immensely....my mom hasnt felt well all day....and thats probably the one thing i cant deal with the most....my mom being sick has this profound effect on me that i just cant get over...it upsets me so deep down that i cant get over it....i wish it was me....i would do anything to switch places with her....she doesnt deserve it....no one does....but then i realize i still have her to cry and kiss and hug and meow at....i can still lie on the kitchen floor and make cat noises at her while she makes me french toast....i can still drag her shopping with me and have the most random conversations in the car with horrible music blasting....i can still be getting dressed in the morning and have her come into my room and tell me to put my boobs away bc my shirt is way too low cut...and for that i am eternally grateful...some days are harder than others but the fact that i still have her is the greatest thing ever...and i get so upset sometimes i cant be around her when shes sick bc it bothers me so intensely and then i have to stop and remind myself that shes still here and shes going to be fine and shes going to be here for a really long time and everythings fine....i dont think tears are good for my keyboard but i kinda just need to get this out of my system and i would call and bare my soul to someone but....i dont know....i am going to dc with my dad....i am really excited about it...i dont get to spend that much time because he is always working...but each day he comes home after a 14 hour workday and hugs me and tells me he is exhausted but he loves his job....he has been really stressed out lately....i wish i could do something to alleviate it....it reminds me of the first time i ever saw my dad cry...he had just found out that his dad had died....i think i was like 5 years old and i remember looking at my dad...this giant man who was in the army and got shot and always held me and made me feel so safe and seeing these two tears trickle down his face...and realizing he wasnt the super hero that i had always thought him to be....he was human...and cried just like me....i think that solitary moment changed my entire life....i am pretty excited to spend 5 days with him and talk to him and reacquaint myself with his amazingness....dc should be pretty interesting overall....i thought i knew what was going on...i really have no clue...i dont think it matters tho...i think i worry too much about things that dont matter...and then there are things that i cant do anything about....things that are just a part of life and then i feel really useless and like a waste of a human being...i have been a pretty shitty person lately tho....i especially have been a horrible friend....talking to linh and john o just made me realize that so much more....the fact that i dont even know whats going on my friends lives and so much is happening with these two amazing people that i know nothing of makes me really upset...i am sorry i have been such a delinquent lately...there has just been a lot going on...and i know that is definitely not an excuse....but i guess i do shut down and kinda go into hiding when things are happening because being alone helps me deal with things better...but its really not that healthy....i should work on that....and i also think that you definitely can pinky swear online even tho linh doesnt believe me....i miss her a lot...i miss alyx and becca too....its kinda sad not having friends around to talk to...i had a really strange convo with solomon today about lying and honesty especially in relationships...it was pretty odd...but it made me realize how important honesty really is...even with the smallest things....i love sitting on the green with becca in the middle of the day and discussing life and things like sex and virginity really loudly while an old couple sits near us with their dogs and looks at us wearily and strangely...my brother is pretty amazing...i love coming home from a random night and walking upstairs and having him look at me and just say "so....another reunion of the drunken sluts huh? how'd that go?" and then i can tell him everything and he just looks at me and says nothing and then gets up and gets me a bowl of ice cream and says that should solve everything....i really miss him when hes not around....i love being amused by the smallest things....it makes life pretty amazing....like an amazing band that a friend introduced me to called nada surf and falling in love with them and dancing around my house to their cd...or discovering disney stamps at the post office and falling in love with the characters and being ridiculous in general....i had the most amazing conversation last night with someone i should definitely be better friends with and i wish was a bigger part of my life...and it was so nice to totally and completely open up and then realize i am not the only one who has no idea whats going on in life and who wants to go to a foreign country and do nothing but live there and try to help someone as cliche as it sounds....its nice to know that amazing people do exist and they will sit and discuss life with you in starbucks and then be so incredibly happy for you when you get an internship that their eyes honestly light up...i think john o and dh kinda restored my faith in guys recently...to know that i can be a hot spinster with dh or go to work with john o and watch him centrifuge cells and extract proteins made me realize good guys still exist...i think sometimes i am just so confused bc i am overwhelmed by the amazingness of these ppl in my life....esp the fact that i have never noticed it before...and then i sit down and talk to them and i realize their is something wonderful beneath the surface of the person that i thought they were...i think honestly getting to know someone is amazing...and the fact that i have done it with so many ppl recently is pretty amazing...i think people get the wrong impression from my actions sometimes...i think the fact that i am such an asshole throws people off...i should work on that...apparently i also come off as superficial and snobby...whenever anyone ever tells me that, it really upsets me....i think it bothers me so much bc i equate that with extreme selfishness and my friends and family are the most important things in my life and i would do anything for them....i guess college has made me more bitter and angry...actually if anything it has made me so much more realistic...i have realized that at the end of the day, the world is just waiting to kick your ass...and you can rarely count on ppl...i dont know if i can handle medicine...talking to john o last night about my internship made me realize it even more....i have always wanted to be a doctor....but i dont know if i can handle it...i dont know if i can throw myself into it and give up having a life...i dont think i am strong enough....i dont think i can handle the emotions...i dont think i can watch people struggle and lose he precious gift of life as medicine fails them...i dont know if the cases of success would be enough to keep me going each day...but i dont know if i can do anything else...am i looking for a job so i can have a life or is my job going to be my life? i know i have time to figure it out but i think i need some direction to get me through the next couple of years...talking to sunit and justin toungate the other day made me realize that no matter how much of a horrible friend i am, with some people you can always pick up the phone and start talking and its just like nothing has changed and i remembered why we were such good friends in the first place...its funny how tim says that things are always going well in my life until there is a long and intense lj entry...well i guess its true...although i dont think things are going badly...on the contrary actually...i just think i am confused and dont know what to think about so many things...i love that i can find some random song and be so incredibly excited by it....i also love that dancing around my house to random loud music in my pjs not only makes me feel better...it makes my entire family laugh and shake their heads at me at my ridiculousness...sometimes i am just way too awkward...i love that i try to give myself a pep talk and i think everything will go smoothly and i build up the nerve and then i end up stabbing someone in the eye with car keys and just making an ass out of myself and then i realize i truly am the epitome of awkward and i should just deal with it....johnny p's three month- one week rule about how girls get attached to guys in one week whereas guys take three months to get attached so thats why girls get their hearts broken so often is so true...its funny how you can find wisdom in the weirdest places...like the fortune cookie that told me i am a happy man...but i guess things happen....i really enjoy making up nicknames for ppl....but i think some people are offended by the fact that i call them pumpkin noodle or sweet potato...i am a little too weird for words sometime...i should probably stop typing...i dont think even i am gonna read this...