Shit's so thick you could stir it with a stick...
Warning, nonsense.
Yesterday and tonight have been bad, and today isn’t improving. I don’t know if it’s the heat that is worsening the anxiety symptoms (tachycardia, trembling, feeling faint, clenched throat…), but I’m not feeling well. Last night I slipped into a purging episode and I haven’t closed an eye all night.
Yesterday morning I was feeling pretty good, calm and relaxed, but after lunch (which, by the way, is becoming pretty tiresome... I have to walk almost twenty minutes to reach the hospital facility where I have to eat every day and then come back to the lab again under the mid-day sun) I got progressively more and more nervous. Then, yesterday evening, I almost had a full blown panic attack because of a bad episode I witnessed. I got really scared when a man (probably a homeless, with an obvious psychiatric illness) had a “fit” on the bus; he started yelling about someone not having testified for something, that he should have showed up for court and didn’t, that he had been framed for something he hadn’t done … I don’t know, it was hard to understand what he was saying. He kept banging on the windows, shouting so loud a kid sitting a few rows ahead started crying. When that man realized the kid (two, maybe three years old!!) was crying because of him started yelling at him too, “What are you looking at? What do you want from me?”... The poor mother was terrified, she was white as a sheet as she tried to ignore him, holding the kid away (poor thing, he got squished between the seat and the window and cried even louder); a couple of men started getting angry at him, yelling him to stop and trying to hold him away, which probably made him ever angrier because he tried to push one around (he was a big man, maybe in his forties, but you can’t really tell when someone’s so badly groomed and dressed). By then the bus had stopped and the driver had called the police, which came with an ambulance. They dragged him (literally) off the bus yelling and kicking and screaming and spitting… not really a good thing to see. Thing is, I started feeling really panicky even if I was sitting down in the back of the bus and away from him… but you know, you never really know what could set off a person like that.
It got a little better when I got home and closed myself in, but then I became so tense after dinner that I got sick (ok, I made myself sick) and even a double dose of Lorazepam didn't do shit. This morning I feel shaky, overly nervous and the lump in my throat feels like I have swallowed a tennis ball. The thought of having to deal with my boss makes me want to cry. This afternoon I have a therapy session, and I hope my doctor will help me calm down a little… but tomorrow I’m staying at home.
Gah.