God shaped hole
The end of the century
I said my goodbyes
For what it’s worth
I always aim to please
But I nearly died
For what it’s worth
Come on lay with me
‘Cause I’m on fire
For what it’s worth
I tear the sun in three
To light up your eyes
Placebo - "For what it's worth"
Can you feel the distance? Can you feel it? Can you?
I sure as hell can. Fuck that mirror bullshit, fuck the specular chemistry. Shoulder to shoulder on that stage once again and there was a whole goddamn ocean between us.
Not a word in five days. You haven’t spoken to me and that’s not even unusual, but I haven’t spoken to you either and that’s insane. It’s this fuckin’ shitty situation, it looks like you’ve finally succeeded in sewing my motormouth shut.
Cheers, fucker… Heartfelt congratulations.
Not one single, goddamned word, motherfucker. No teasing, no bitching, no bossing around, not a fight, not even an insult between me and you. Do you even give a fuck? Can you even see me, you conceited dickhead?
Nah, you don't, you can't. You’re the same you’ve always been but we have changed and it kills me… That night, our mistake as you called it, has changed everything. It ruined all we had, if we ever had anything. And it’s all your fault, you came to me, you called for me, you swallowed me in.
Had I known that sucking your goddamned cock would have had these consequences… hell, who am kidding? I would have done it anyway. Down on my knees in an heartbeat, just because you asked. I would have because you asked, you heartless inhuman bastard!
Indifference is the worst punishment, I know it and you know it even better than I do. You hating me, berating me, calling me queer, dubbing me bent, I can face that, I can take it all from you because it'd mean I would know what you feel, I would know how to handle you. But you don’t even look at me anymore and it poisons me.
What a fuckin’…fuckin’ mess. Fuck you, you egoistic son of a bitch. You’re not fuckin’ worth these tears.
You… fuck you! I just can’t fuckin’ stop thinking about you. The way you grabbed me by the neck, your hands clutching my throat, your lips. God, your lips on mine and it was all so damn perfect…
Suffocating, uncomparable, unrivaled. Perfect, absolute.
I’d do it a hundred, a thousand times again, because no matter, it would never be enough. You asked, you asked… you asked me…
Kiss me Zack, kiss me again.
Well, fuck you, Brian. Fuck you again.
And fuck me for being such a damn coward. Yes, yes I’d do it again. I’d let you drag me in a filthy backroom again, slam me against a wall and treat me like a whore because it’d be you. I’d bite you again, that hidden spot beneath your ear that makes you hard, I’d suck on it and chew on it and lick on it until I felt the taste of your blood on my tongue. And more, more, harder and better, I’d watch you breathe through open lips, through heavy eyes. Your eyes, your beautiful cold eyes full of lust, wanting me, watching me wanting you.
My fingers would find the skin under your shirt, would run on the ripples of your muscles as I’d wake them with my touches. I’d taste you all over, once again, a million times again. I’d get drunk on your nicotine sweat and the Jameson on your tongue, it’d be good, it’d be so damn good, but never enough. Not even close.
Your moans and your breaths meddling with mine, forward and backwards of your chest against mine, your fingers in my hair. I’d wet my snakebites and blow on them, you’d feel them cold against your nipples and your cock and you’d shiver and you’d ask.
Again. Again, more Zacky, more.
And god, I’d tease you, I’d taunt you, I’d seduce you, no mercy until I’ll awaken the beast and I’ll make it grab my wrists, flip me over and make me yours.
There’d be pain. Pleasure. More pleasure. More of you inside of me. You’d take me and I’d let you take me because you need it, but it’s really all I want. To be yours, to maybe, perhaps one day melt my way through you and dig myself a hole into that glacier that’s that fuckin’ heart of yours.
But you’d be cold, heartless, you’d do it to fetch your own pleasure and that alone, no sweetness, no before and no after, just immediate, self resolved burning passion. It’s the way you work.
You’d fuck me hard and you’d show no tenderness, you’d come before me, you always come first. I’d struggle to follow you, I’d beg for you to take me with you in your ride through pleasure and if I’m lucky…
But I know, I’d just face disappointment if I tried to look for a sign of my presence in your eyes. There’d be nothing there but your reflection mirrored by my own eyes.
You’d dress up quickly and leave me there, alone. You wouldn’t waste a second of your fuckin' inestimable time to look back at the mess you'd have left behind. At me.
Every time you’d eat a little crumb of my soul until there won’t be anything left for you to feast upon and you’ll turn to someone else, someone new, not me. You’re just a selfish bastard, I can’t believe how I’m letting myself love you so much, I’m so fuckin' worthless. Pathetic.
Goddamn you, I just want you so bad. I want you, your lips and your hands and your cock and your body against mine. What’s wrong with me? I just want you and your heart and your fuckin’ attention for more than just fifteen songs on the set every night. I don’t want to have to share you with all of them. I’d give anything, everything.
I know. I know it’s just a matter of time, I’ll give up to you because I’m just that weak, you render me powerless. I’ll come crawling to you, I’ll beg you to let me curl around your feet like a fuckin’ dog, because that’s what I become when it comes to you.
I’ll beg you and implore you, shameless, take me, please, fuck me, have me, hold me, see me, love me.
And you would. For an hour, for a night, I’ll be the mirror to reflect yourself upon.
I’ll be yours while you have me and I’ll… well, I’ll pretend like I always do that one day, maybe, you’re gonna be mine for even just an instant.
Fuck you, Brian. I love you and I can't help myself.
It’s never gonna end, you’re never gonna change.