Stones taught me to fly [ I ]
Yet another sleepless night, with nothing to do and no one to talk with.
Matt walked out on the balcony of the umpteenth nameless hotel, his hopeless sighs and the untidy shuffling of his flip flops on the marbled floor not disturbing in the slightest the almost complete silence of the moonless Florida night that surrounded him with its humid tepidness.
He leant on the railing, looked out in the scarcely illuminated internal court of the posh hotel, deserted at that time of the night, even more so in that period of the year. No lights, no stars, nothing brought the slightest comfort. A soft snoring sound reached him from behind the pulled curtains of the suite adjoining to his own and he subconsciously turned towards it. Good old Jimmy, Matt thought smiling dismally, and it hurt, thinking how much he found himself envying him, his never ending energy, his seemingly unbreakable façade, all parties and no seriousness, his ability in letting everything wash over him as if nothing could ever scrape his surface. He had been just like him, and not even much time earlier. He found himself wondering when it had all changed, when he had turned into the fuckin’ …business man that he had become, only growing more exhausted by the day.
Every day was the same. Wake up, work out, interviews, rehearse, perform, party, sleep. Repeat. He always felt tired. Tired of not being able to sleep, tired of touring non-stop, tired of having to think about a million things at once, caring about a million things at once, tired of feeling alone when he stood in the middle of his screaming crowd, tired of not being able to just stop for once and take a break, and breathe. But most of all, he was tired of being tired. He was living the life he’d always dreamt of but it was already dangerously wearing thin. He felt alone, uncared for, useless if it weren’t for his voice. He was not ready to admit it, but he was starting to seriously consider quitting.
He turned his eyes back to the night air and a small, flickering light caught his attention from a corner of the court.
Somewhere around the pool area, someone was smoking in silence, seemingly by themselves. Somehow, just the thought of not being the only one up and alone at that time of the night comforted him, he felt the weight on his shoulders lighten just that little bit more. He wondered if they couldn’t sleep through their own overcrowded head like he did and he squinted his eyes, trying to catch a better glimpse of his fellow insomniac. When the orangey glow of the embers, as the cigarette was brought up to their lips, faintly illuminated their features he was genuinely taken aback by whose face he saw. It was the kid.
He frowned, mentally slapping himself for having called Johnny that once again, but he couldn’t help it. Even after all the time they’d spent together, working hard shoulder to shoulder, that small, three years gap in their age was still holding up to its reputation. He was still considered, by them all and by all means, their …kid. The only one Matt considered being possibly more carefree than Jimmy, always unpredictable, always doing something stupid, never regretful in the slightest.
Worry gnawed at his chest as he watched his youngest band mate sitting alone, probably drinking his head out by himself at four in the morning, he never did that. Pushing his own sorrows aside without a second thought, Matt hopped back in his room, threw his jeans on and headed down.
He didn’t meet a soul on his way to the poolside, silence, darkness and stale air cloaked heavily over him as he approached the smoking man slouched over one of the cushioned, luxurious reclining chairs.
Matt coughed softly to make his presence known and Johnny’s head immediately turned in his direction. Upon recognizing his friend, the younger man smiled affectionately up at him, motioning for him to join him. The only light came from a distant floor lantern and from the neons that illuminated the deeper end of the pool in front of them. Those glossy, flickering lamps in the water were casting an eerie teal glow on the young man and damn him, “beautiful” was the only thing that came to Matt’s mind as he took that vision in. He frowned, pushing the thought to the back of his head as he stepped forward, playfully ruffling Johnny’s hair before settling down comfortably on a nearby chair.
Neither spoke for a while, the only sign of acknowledgement of each other’s presence being the beer Johnny promptly offered and Matt refused. Matt studied his friend’s contours, astonished by the fact that, just looking at him, he couldn’t find almost any trace of the playful young boy everyone knew him as in the silent man he was looking at. Matt felt almost ashamed that he had never really noticed before just how much Johnny had changed during all those years, how he had grown up from the scrawny little shit he was. Yet, he still behaved everyday in the same unpredictable, wild hothead way he’d always been famous for. Another one to envy.
Time was passing, the silence between them was stretching to uncomfortable levels and Matt felt the need to break it.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
Johnny turned his head to Matt and he shrugged absently as his familiar, genuine, almost childish smile pulled his lips, immediately easing some of Matt’s apprehension. He thunked the neck of his half empty bottle on his forehead and sniggered mindlessly.
“That’d be wasted money.”
Matt smiled back. That was the little Johnny Christ he knew. And loved, his subconscious unnecessarily added.
“Ah. What’s keeping you up?”
“Nah, just couldn’t sleep. Too fuckin’ hot. What about you?”
“Can’t sleep either.”
Johnny butted his cigarette out on the ashtray resting by his feet and shifted on the recliner. He suddenly looked a lot more serious, older.
“But it’s not the heat…Want to talk about it?”
Normally, Matt would have brushed the offer off with a smile and a joke about real men not needing any girl talk, moving to more trivial, less bothersome subjects but somehow, maybe it was the hour, maybe it was the unusual company, he couldn’t bring himself to.
“I’m tired, John.”
“Of what?”
“Every fuckin’ thing.” Matt’s head tipped forward and he sighed dejectedly. “Touring, writing, putting up with millions of dumb fuckin' people every fuckin’ day, the deals, the sponsors, the management, the next album, questions, statements, everyone’s fuckin’ looking up at me and I can’t stand it anymore…”
His head snapped up in disbelief as he heard Johnny’s trademark giggle erupt by his side. Comprehension, he would have expected, even some useless advice, but definitively not being laughed at. He started to regret having come out in the first place and anger rose through him.
“What’s so fuckin’ funny about it?”
Johnny’s snickers subsided a little as he brought his hand to his chest, resting it on his heart in a sign of apology.
“Nothing, Matt…nothing. Sorry. It’s just… you always think way too fuckin’ much, worry way too fuckin’ much. You gotta learn to relax a little, ya know? Everyone can see you’re losing it…”
“Ah, yeah. And what am I supposed to do?”
Johnny shrugged again.
“I have no fuckin’ idea…”
Matt stood to leave, that conversation wasn’t going anywhere he thought, but Johnny leaped up right after him and reached for his arm, stopping him. Matt turned and the younger man just smiled up at him, apologetic.
“Teach me to swim?”
“W-what?”
Johnny stood back, hands already reaching for the hem of his tee shirt and peeling the garment off his chest. Matt looked at him dumbfounded and wondered if he hadn’t already lost his mind and was actually hallucinating. Or whether it was Johnny who had gone completely crazy in the first place, since he had kicked his sneakers off and was in the process of uncoordinatedly hopping out of his jeans right in front of him, at four in the morning.
“What the fuck are you doing, Christ?”
Johnny beamed up at him, now stripped down to his tighty whities.
“Oh come on, you all always bitch at me because I can’t swim… ‘born and raised in OC and all you can do is doggy paddle, how can it be even possible’, blah blah blah… So come on, it’s me, you and a pool, teach me… I bet that’ll keep your mind off of your problems!”
And just like that, he turned and clumsily eased himself in the shallow end of the pool, leaving Matt with his mouth hanging open and confusion painted on his face.
“Oh come on, Mattie, don’t look at me like that…” Johnny snickered as he swashed his arms around in the water. To Matt, he was starting to look mightily inviting, so much it was almost disturbing.
Matt shook his head incredulous but proceeded to take off his jeans nonetheless, tiptoeing over to the edge and easing himself in the water as silently as he could, perfectly aware they weren’t supposed, or even allowed to be there, that time at night. The rush of forbidden hit him as soon as he found himself chest deep in the warm water and he suddenly felt ten years younger. He looked over at Johnny in awe.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?” Johnny spluttered a mouthful as he tried to lift his feet from the tiled bottom.
“Do… this, act like you do?”
“Ah, I guess I just don’t give a flying fuck about anything…”
“How can you… not care about…anything?”
Johnny shrugged and tried to duck his head underwater, gargling loudly when his mouth was submerged. Matt smoothly glided over to where his friend was successfully managing to drown himself in four feet of water and slid his hands under his armpits, lifting him to stand up.
“Let’s begin by walking, ok?”
Matt reached down to take Johnny’s hands in his and bluntly ignoring the tingle that crawled up his arms at the action, started to walk backwards to the deep end, tugging his friend with him. Ten steps and Johnny’s eyes went a little wide, he squirmed and yanked back.
“Uh. Oh. Not where I can’t touch?”
“I’m still touching…”, Matt laughed low in his throat.
He reached up, put one hand on Johnny’s shoulders and tilted him backwards, steadying him horizontal. Johnny flailed blindly, one hand grasping tight on Matt’s bicep as he found himself floating without the support of his feet.
“Whoa…”
“You ok?” Matt slipped one hand down to the small of Johnny’s back, keeping the bassist’s body above the surface as he tentatively kicked his feet around.
“Yeah…but this is… weird!”
Matt rocked him around gently, mitigating his agitated motions until he felt him relax under his hands. They stood there for a while, unhurriedly swashing and rocking around, in silence. Johnny’s eyes were closed but Matt’s weren’t. He was looking, thinking, wondering. “Beautiful” was still strong on his mind. He slowly removed his hand from under Johnny’s back and smiled when he saw his stomach tense at the loss of contact. When he pulled away completely he moved up to whisper in his ear.
“I’m not holding you anymore…”
The only response he got was a lazy, almost sleepy “Hmm-mh.”
Not more than five seconds later, though, Johnny apparently remembered where he was and his eyes shot open, panicking, he thrashed around, toppling over on his stomach, reaching around blindly for any support, which came in the form of Matt’s shoulders. He grasped them and perched up on Matt’s back, his arms winding around his neck, almost choking him in the process.
“You asshole!”, he hissed in his ear, panting agitatedly.
Matt choked back a laugh and slipped his hands under Johnny’s knees, holding him up as he swam back, guiding them towards the edge of the pool. He stopped when they collided against the ladder and settled the smaller man on the highest step.
He stood still, his back to Johnny’s chest and his feet swirling in the water until he felt Johnny’s grasp around his neck loosen a bit. He released the younger man’s legs and moved to swim away but Johnny’s grip stopped him. His hands left his neck but didn’t pull away and instead dragged back on Matt’s shoulders, softly kneading the tense muscles on his back. He sighed, small shocks of relief coursing through his fibers under the prodding fingers. Johnny’s legs circled his waist and warmth crept up his back, he couldn’t almost believe how much he was liking this, how it was affecting him. Johhny dipped his hands in the water, massaging further down on Matt's tense back and he had to hold back a groan.
“It’s not …entirely true, Matt.”
“What?” Matt’s head rolled back on Johnny’s shoulder, his eyes looked up at the night sky as Johnny tipped his chin down and breathed in his ear.
“I do care about certain things …I care a lot, about you.”
Click to continue...