(no subject)
There are times when you don't really feel anything. You know you should be full of emotions but either the day's soaked them out of you or you're just too tired to care anymore. This seems to be a recurrent theme with my entries; feeling bad about not feeling more. I like getting lost in music late at night with my thoughts in front of my computer. I like thinking about my past, where I've been, who I've met and where I've yet to go. I've been through amazing experiences and to look back on them so long ago is unnerving. At the time I felt like I was standing on the verge of life. My whole time in Utah could be considered a metaphor. As I stood many time of the rim of a canyon staring into the vast expanse of possibilities, I was standing on the verge of my life. When you're that young it's always now or never. The moment is always now, not tomorrow. I thought I would be able to hold that moment, the smell of the air, the excitement of being alive, the feel of the sun on my skin at that exact moment with the sun in it's exact position in the sky. I thought I'd always feel exhilarated.
But that was three and a half years ago.
Germany was almost five years ago.
Jan was four years ago. (Oh God, Jan.)
Coming to Oregon was two and half years ago.
Gustav's was two years ago.
Why do I live chained to my experiences? Am I afraid I'm not making anymore worth remembering? Have I settled? Life doesn't excite me anymore. I don't take chances or stare into vast expanses, imagining the possibilities. Nothing is new, fresh and exciting anymore. I'm not living by my wits, on my own, a young, eager soul alone in the big city, the big world.
I wanna be 24 again. I wanna be that new girl at Gustav's who everyone feels sorry for because I don't know a soul in the city, but is jealous of because all the possibilities are mine. I want to meet Brian at the Horse Brass again, rent a movie at Movie Madness, go home in the rain, climb the stairs to my cozy attic room with the vaulted ceiling and watch a movie all snuggled up in bed. When my only concerns were going to work and then grabbing a beer afterwards because I didn't have a boyfriend, my sister wasn't here, all my friends worked with me and I made plenty of money to get by comfortably. I had my little bubble and was content therein. I was innocent and eager to take on the world.
What happened? I want to go back to all that. I want to be that girl again. Maybe I still am but my perception of myself has totally changed. Maybe Isaac changed me. Maybe he took my innocent, fresh young outlook and warped, burned, destroyed it. Helped put me in the desperate situation I find myself in now. But I want ti all back. Can I go back? Can I get myself back?
But that was three and a half years ago.
Germany was almost five years ago.
Jan was four years ago. (Oh God, Jan.)
Coming to Oregon was two and half years ago.
Gustav's was two years ago.
Why do I live chained to my experiences? Am I afraid I'm not making anymore worth remembering? Have I settled? Life doesn't excite me anymore. I don't take chances or stare into vast expanses, imagining the possibilities. Nothing is new, fresh and exciting anymore. I'm not living by my wits, on my own, a young, eager soul alone in the big city, the big world.
I wanna be 24 again. I wanna be that new girl at Gustav's who everyone feels sorry for because I don't know a soul in the city, but is jealous of because all the possibilities are mine. I want to meet Brian at the Horse Brass again, rent a movie at Movie Madness, go home in the rain, climb the stairs to my cozy attic room with the vaulted ceiling and watch a movie all snuggled up in bed. When my only concerns were going to work and then grabbing a beer afterwards because I didn't have a boyfriend, my sister wasn't here, all my friends worked with me and I made plenty of money to get by comfortably. I had my little bubble and was content therein. I was innocent and eager to take on the world.
What happened? I want to go back to all that. I want to be that girl again. Maybe I still am but my perception of myself has totally changed. Maybe Isaac changed me. Maybe he took my innocent, fresh young outlook and warped, burned, destroyed it. Helped put me in the desperate situation I find myself in now. But I want ti all back. Can I go back? Can I get myself back?