Beer and my thoughts...
So I am now officially dating Brian. Yeah, that's the guy I hesitated to mention a few weeks ago. I didn't trust him at first, and I really didn't see this "relationship" going anywhere because how can it? I leave in just a few months for the whole summer and even if I wasn't, we seem very different on the surface. And for the first time with any guy I am finding it very very hard to open up beyond the surface. It's not him, I don't think. Well it was at first when I didn't trust him, but I'm over that now. He's been very sweet and done absolutely nothing wrong, leading Craig to say I probably have the upper hand with this guy, which I think is true. And the most endearing quality about him is that he tries to be so smooth and even before he admitted to me that he used to be a nerd, I could totally tell. He's an ex-nerd in Abercrombie all too well-versed in the everyday plight of nerds and I have the right to say this because that's the exact same description of myself. That awkwardness never goes away and it's what I look for in a guy, it's what tells me he's sensitive, not perfect, and basically just human. It's what tells me deep down he'll understand my awkwardness and fall right into it.
But aside from all this I still hesitate to open up to him and I think that's one of the wisest choices I've ever made concerning a guy. And I see myself making all the right decisions with Brian. For the first time I am handling this like an adult. We're just dating and haven't said anything about being exclusive or even dropped the blood-curdling terms, "boyfriend" and/or "girlfriend." I have no idea where this relationship is going to go and defining whatever it is we're doing tells me it's going somewhere I'm not quite sure about. It'll choke the relationship and take all the mystery and ease out of it. I like him. I do. I'm not so sure we're a perfect match, but it's nice not falling crazy in love, but instead keeping my wits about me and playing it cool. I've just fallen crazy in love so many times for so many guys that were wrong for me that I think I'm just automatically holding back until I see where this is going, and then I'll let myself lose my mind. Sure, it may not sound incredibly romantic, but it feels right to me. And right now with everything else so complicated in my life, that's good enough for me.
At the same time, however, we come from different social worlds...different worlds all together. He's an Abercrombie-wearing, baseball-playing, never-even-seen-Fight-Club guy and I'm a short-story-writing, tree-hugging, carefree nomad who could actually care less if I'm wearing make-up or not (unless I have break outs...I am human). God, I sound like high school Karen. You know, high school Karen would be absolutely disgusted with adult Karen's behavior. And not that I'm some sort of martyr, but I am dating him, right? As my friend, Matt, said the other day, "it would be like having this huge Christmas package in front of you and not unwrapping it because you don't like the wrapping paper." And I have to agree. I do not judge anymore. But what does worry me are his friends. I look at all his girl friends in his photos and they're very very...pretty. Not that I'm not. And okay, don't get me wrong or take what I'm saying the wrong way. I'm not comparing myself at all because I like me and wouldn't trade me or my friends or my appearance or my life for anything. But um....we're very different girls. I'm confident, rough around the edges, free-spirited, I love the arts, hiking, and expression through reading, writing music, nature, and I really don't care what people think. And they're very pretty, well-groomed, make-uped, sculpted and blonde. I may not be watered down enough.
So yeah, that's that. Don't even get my started on my self-defeating job searching. Or the fact that beer and journal writing makes for a stream-of-consciousness effect.
But aside from all this I still hesitate to open up to him and I think that's one of the wisest choices I've ever made concerning a guy. And I see myself making all the right decisions with Brian. For the first time I am handling this like an adult. We're just dating and haven't said anything about being exclusive or even dropped the blood-curdling terms, "boyfriend" and/or "girlfriend." I have no idea where this relationship is going to go and defining whatever it is we're doing tells me it's going somewhere I'm not quite sure about. It'll choke the relationship and take all the mystery and ease out of it. I like him. I do. I'm not so sure we're a perfect match, but it's nice not falling crazy in love, but instead keeping my wits about me and playing it cool. I've just fallen crazy in love so many times for so many guys that were wrong for me that I think I'm just automatically holding back until I see where this is going, and then I'll let myself lose my mind. Sure, it may not sound incredibly romantic, but it feels right to me. And right now with everything else so complicated in my life, that's good enough for me.
At the same time, however, we come from different social worlds...different worlds all together. He's an Abercrombie-wearing, baseball-playing, never-even-seen-Fight-Club guy and I'm a short-story-writing, tree-hugging, carefree nomad who could actually care less if I'm wearing make-up or not (unless I have break outs...I am human). God, I sound like high school Karen. You know, high school Karen would be absolutely disgusted with adult Karen's behavior. And not that I'm some sort of martyr, but I am dating him, right? As my friend, Matt, said the other day, "it would be like having this huge Christmas package in front of you and not unwrapping it because you don't like the wrapping paper." And I have to agree. I do not judge anymore. But what does worry me are his friends. I look at all his girl friends in his photos and they're very very...pretty. Not that I'm not. And okay, don't get me wrong or take what I'm saying the wrong way. I'm not comparing myself at all because I like me and wouldn't trade me or my friends or my appearance or my life for anything. But um....we're very different girls. I'm confident, rough around the edges, free-spirited, I love the arts, hiking, and expression through reading, writing music, nature, and I really don't care what people think. And they're very pretty, well-groomed, make-uped, sculpted and blonde. I may not be watered down enough.
So yeah, that's that. Don't even get my started on my self-defeating job searching. Or the fact that beer and journal writing makes for a stream-of-consciousness effect.