clouded messages in fading dreams
They just keep coming. I wonder if they'll ever stop.
These dreams, shaped from memories. Playing out. It's like my brain is trying to make sense of what I missed out on. Wondering what happened to that course I was on. Every time I wake up I have to remind myself that yes, I did go to college, but I brought a fierce drug addiction with me. And ruined everything for myself at that point. Overdoses and DUI's. Heartbreak and lies. Getting thrown out and slowly dying in my own place. A drug induced psychotic break, rehab. Lots and lots of rehab. Jail and prison. Then... thrown back into the world. The same one I came from, but well after everyone I knew was long gone. And there's the pain.
I have to keep reminding myself how I got here. That my life had to take a detour from everyone else's. All the dreams and aspirations that flowed through me that last day of highschool as I slowly walked across the campus sifting through memories and saying goodbye to my favorite teachers... They were supposed to take me somewhere. And I never showed up. That boat left a long time ago and never looked back.
My "best" friends have all turned their backs. A few wave occasionally, but quickly turn back around. They are graduating college, starting careers, traveling the world. Becoming politicians, lawyers, there's even a weatherman now become news reporter. An astronaut, army and air force, Master's programs, Greenpeace, even Hollywood hopefuls and LA losers.
My generation has passed me. I had to forge my own path. I have to remember what I've learned. Why I feel so much older than I truly am. I chose to explore my mind rather than the world. Reality kind of fought back as a result. I've made several stabs at the working world... zombie life ain't so great. Getting my degree was nice, but it just gathers dust. Now... I'm riding the wave with the next generation. I finally now have an opportunity to share my knowledge in an appropriate venue. I have a creative melting-pot of music once a week, open to any of my input.
I always have to remind myself after the dreams... what happened to those lost hopes of long ago. And how this world really is. I have to remember what I learned from my detour. I can't let it be for naught. It can't be a waste... that was my fucking life too.
So the boat left and all those I knew and cared about dug down and are now reaping that which they've sown. Fantastic. Reality is an illusion. This is ALL an illusion. Our 5 senses only decode less than 5% of what's actually in the space our bodies occupy. The 3-dimensional world we experience is simply a holographic projection from within. Damn right we create our reality. It's the world of pop-culture, college, and the professional world that strives to make everyone feel separate, and to believe the illusion is all there is. All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. We are all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. I should know more than most. I can't deny the fact that I've left my body, willingly, many times. There is FAR more going on than we (in general) know. This is the NEW path I've been pursuing, since my previous dreams contorted into nightmares.
It's really hard to go back to the 9-5 grind, or the classroom (though not as bad as the job option) after you take your mind this far. So, I have to remind myself why I diverted. Why I'm here now. And above all, why I shouldn't let the appearance of this life fool me into thinking it's somehow less than where I used to be. In fact, what I have in my life now is a combination of things I've always wanted. I can't continue to let myself be fooled into thinking this is misery. I worked hard for this. This is what I wanted. And I still have many places to go.
So... just remember, self. There's a reason I never actualized those long past dreams. I went after those that were on top of mountains. I chased something much more elusive, though rewarding. Don't feel bad you missed out on being a corporate, American slave. A zombie to the illusion. I've become an architect of reality. A splitter of minds. The musician, mystic, and boyfriend I've always wanted. This is actually right where I wanted to be. Not some deserted island on the way to waste and ruin.
Humbly appreciate that which you have. The love you withhold is the pain you carry, lifetime after lifetime. The love you share is that which enriches your life tenfold... forever.
These dreams, shaped from memories. Playing out. It's like my brain is trying to make sense of what I missed out on. Wondering what happened to that course I was on. Every time I wake up I have to remind myself that yes, I did go to college, but I brought a fierce drug addiction with me. And ruined everything for myself at that point. Overdoses and DUI's. Heartbreak and lies. Getting thrown out and slowly dying in my own place. A drug induced psychotic break, rehab. Lots and lots of rehab. Jail and prison. Then... thrown back into the world. The same one I came from, but well after everyone I knew was long gone. And there's the pain.
I have to keep reminding myself how I got here. That my life had to take a detour from everyone else's. All the dreams and aspirations that flowed through me that last day of highschool as I slowly walked across the campus sifting through memories and saying goodbye to my favorite teachers... They were supposed to take me somewhere. And I never showed up. That boat left a long time ago and never looked back.
My "best" friends have all turned their backs. A few wave occasionally, but quickly turn back around. They are graduating college, starting careers, traveling the world. Becoming politicians, lawyers, there's even a weatherman now become news reporter. An astronaut, army and air force, Master's programs, Greenpeace, even Hollywood hopefuls and LA losers.
My generation has passed me. I had to forge my own path. I have to remember what I've learned. Why I feel so much older than I truly am. I chose to explore my mind rather than the world. Reality kind of fought back as a result. I've made several stabs at the working world... zombie life ain't so great. Getting my degree was nice, but it just gathers dust. Now... I'm riding the wave with the next generation. I finally now have an opportunity to share my knowledge in an appropriate venue. I have a creative melting-pot of music once a week, open to any of my input.
I always have to remind myself after the dreams... what happened to those lost hopes of long ago. And how this world really is. I have to remember what I learned from my detour. I can't let it be for naught. It can't be a waste... that was my fucking life too.
So the boat left and all those I knew and cared about dug down and are now reaping that which they've sown. Fantastic. Reality is an illusion. This is ALL an illusion. Our 5 senses only decode less than 5% of what's actually in the space our bodies occupy. The 3-dimensional world we experience is simply a holographic projection from within. Damn right we create our reality. It's the world of pop-culture, college, and the professional world that strives to make everyone feel separate, and to believe the illusion is all there is. All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. We are all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. I should know more than most. I can't deny the fact that I've left my body, willingly, many times. There is FAR more going on than we (in general) know. This is the NEW path I've been pursuing, since my previous dreams contorted into nightmares.
It's really hard to go back to the 9-5 grind, or the classroom (though not as bad as the job option) after you take your mind this far. So, I have to remind myself why I diverted. Why I'm here now. And above all, why I shouldn't let the appearance of this life fool me into thinking it's somehow less than where I used to be. In fact, what I have in my life now is a combination of things I've always wanted. I can't continue to let myself be fooled into thinking this is misery. I worked hard for this. This is what I wanted. And I still have many places to go.
So... just remember, self. There's a reason I never actualized those long past dreams. I went after those that were on top of mountains. I chased something much more elusive, though rewarding. Don't feel bad you missed out on being a corporate, American slave. A zombie to the illusion. I've become an architect of reality. A splitter of minds. The musician, mystic, and boyfriend I've always wanted. This is actually right where I wanted to be. Not some deserted island on the way to waste and ruin.
Humbly appreciate that which you have. The love you withhold is the pain you carry, lifetime after lifetime. The love you share is that which enriches your life tenfold... forever.