Melancholy
My sleep is so screwed up. I can't sleep well at night. I dream disturbing dreams and wake up on and off all night. Then I'm so sleepy during the day that I can't fight it. So I'm just napping 3 hrs off and on all the time. I guess it doesn't hurt anything, but I feel tired all the time. And I feel so abnormal. And now, it's midnight and I just woke up. It feels so lonely. It's very dark outside, no lights on in the neighborhood. I so so miss living with my boys when people come and go and stay up late and laugh and have fun. My life is so boring.
For the past year I have sincerely believed that if I work on my web business, that I will be able to make enough money to live wherever I want. But now I'm doubting that. It is extrememly hard for me to stay motivated and keep up the pace when I don't have anyone in the flesh to share with and receive encouragement from.
On the brighter side....Laddan is second in the nation for college bull riders. So, the finals in June are going to be even more exciting this year than last with him going in ranked so high. I was thinking about how I'm trying to figure out how Im going to go to WY to the finals, and it occured to me that by doing this, I'm playing Danny's game. As far as I'm concerned we have plans to go to WY together, so just because he doesn't call me anymore doesn't really change anything. In the past he has been able to manipulate me like that. But I refuse to participate now, so I just called him and asked him directly if we are still going to Casper. I could tell that it surprised him that I called and was that direct. He used the excuse of a meeting to discuss it then, but he called me a couple of hours later and was all into the trip. So I am going with him. That gives me something to look forward to. It will be good to go with Danny rather than with Laddan. Kids are just so unpredictable!
I have decided that about once a month I'm going to rent a car and just have a day or weekend out. I have got to find some way to get out of this house. It's really getting to me. There are lots of places I'd love to go. There are a lot of museums around here. There are a lot of stores I've never been in. Down the street there's one of those places where you can go and make pottery. I'd love to explore the art scene...like find some coop studios. So, if I can figure out the logistics, this is my plan.
It is very hard to be responsible for one's own happiness. Really. I never realized how much was given to me in that respect. When you live with a family and have friends it just happens naturally. You don't go around thinking about your happiness, it just happens.
I got the neatest letter from theneen. She made a little book and wrote the letter on the pages! And the cover of the book is beautiful with paper elements and beads. Here...I'll scan a pic...
Isn't it beautiful? What a treasure. This letter writing is really fun. Especially with artists, because the letters are all so different and fun.