So here i am...

[zupheal]

So I long to be inspired… I have lacked inspiration for as long as I can remember… the only times I had any was because of a girl… and that never worked out… im sick of life in the form it currently takes… routine kills me… and I could live my life exactly how it is now and never have to worry… and there in lies the routine… I go thru the motions every day and never get anywhere really… I am existing, not living… and I hate the idea of just passing my time… Mortality scares the fuck out of me… and I can’t do a damned thing about it… the fear left me for a year or so… and it recently returned… im trying to motivate myself to do things, but I just don’t care… because I know I don’t HAVE to do them… I need that imminent feedback, to give me reason to do really much of anything… these days I read, write, and sketch again… which I love… sketching lets me release all the ideas I have inside, writing lets me vent and reading keeps me encouraged… but… I lack something important… I don’t know what… its not because I am alone all of the time… I spend 95% of my time with friends to try and break this feeling… and it doesn’t work more then for the moment… when I come home alone… I relax as much as I can, but I still feel it… my faith is strong as ever, my personal resolve is too… but this feeling of ultimate dread consumes me… it is reflected in my writing and most certainly in my sketches… no one understands they think I enjoy sketching those things and writing about misery… no one notices its not a game… or even fun… im not especially depressed really, I just wanted to vent… its hard to talk about everything but what is always on your mind… and I don’t really wanna get into detail with my friends… cuz there is not really much to talk about I just want to stop feeling like I do… I’ve always been alone with my issues for the most part… and I know how to handle them… but I wish I had someone that made me just feel better, for a while at least… im not reaching for a girlfriend I don’t believe in using a relationship to try and fix ur issues… im just… waiting… and that sux… I don’t even know what I am waiting for… I want to feel really alive… I read so much about the past and how things were, I do yearn for love, REAL love… but I wont sacrifice people to try and hunt it down… I just want to feel something REAL… and I am not sure I ever have… or even have the capacity… my emotions are at best dull, and listless… maybe I just don’t remember how to feel, like I am sure I used to… maybe i am broken lol… maybe I need to disappear… but I cant do that… I have too many obligations… I’ve surrounded myself with things designed to make me happy, and none of them do… I don’t care about materials… I have a very strong faith that’s not what I am lacking… I don’t hate myself…. I don’t really have ANY problems, except that I don’t feel things right… so I drink… and I get free for a while… and then I sober up… and realize the path I am on is not a good one… I drink too much, but still not enough… the only things I really give a shit about are my grandparents… and they taught me how to be an adult… but no one told me how to live… and its obvious im not stumbling into it… and my friends try to get me to go do things with them but a lot of it just doesn’t interest me in the least. So I do, or I don’t and remain just the way I am… I don’t ask for anyone’s pity, and to get it would bother me… I don’t want people to worry about me, its not a real threat… its just lack of a spark I guess… nothing gives me reason to do the things I do… but I do them cuz I was taught to be responsible… I do miss having a girl tho… a lot… but in this fucked up state I don’t think it would be healthy lol… so I keep my distance… because I wont hurt someone because I am selfish lol… honestly I would just like to expel my demons… the anxiety is almost unbearable sometimes… but I know myself, so I find ways to handle it… I’ve done it for years… its nothing new… Tuesday I had 3 friends come over and stay with me all nite so they could make sure I was ready for my work schedule… and at one point I had to just get up and go sit alone in my bathroom for like 30 minutes, just to stop myself from just breaking down… I have never broken down, and I fear what might happen… nothing really outrageous I am sure, but its something I don’t want to have to remember… I spent the rest of the nite just sketching, and actually got a couple good ones, which I love, and I learned a new skill with my sketching, which is wonderful… so I am progressing, but I still have no life… I do these things only because I have trained myself to and I don’t wanna deal with what happens if I don’t… if I were less responsible I would be a terrible person… So I sit here and type to myself/anyone who reads… so that I feel like im still being heard by someone… I always feel soo alone, and that frightens me… as long as I have someone to protect I don’t think about my personal danger… but when I am alone, I fear everything… if that makes sense… my friends come to me and get advice, and I always help… and I think they all kinda know I don’t feel right… but they cant approach me because my advice works for them, and I don’t know what to do for me… I think they also might fear a reaction from me… for some reason… I want to start my tattoos, I would feel so much better I think… I designed for myself what I wanted to do years ago… and am waiting for cash/artist to do them… I want my body to express how I think about life, so that perhaps inspiration might be gleamed from them. i am sorry to anyone who does read this, im not even sure I’ll post it, its just a mindless rant on how I care so much, but lack the ability to express it perhaps… im intelligent, strong, “charming”, funny, and very nice. That’s not ego that’s just what my friends tell me and I like it … because I am SUCH a mess on the inside but I am still the type of person I want to be… and that helps… I want to do so much on MY terms, that I think I simply forgot to learn how to do them in the mainstream. I want a reason to wake up… or than to exist.. maybe I wanna learn how to feel things like when I was a kid… maybe something happened to stop me… maybe its just an inherent flaw… but I refuse to believe its something I cant work thru. I want to be free like a child, to do as I see fit and feel what I want, but I cannot… I wish I could be innocent like a child, as I never got to be… I wish I could take back all the things I have done, but im not even sure I would. Who would it make me? I wish I could smile when I was alone… I wish I knew what it felt like to be passionate… I wish I knew everything would be alright in the end… I almost wish I could compromise enough to join the military, but I cannot… and could never… I wish I cared about money at least a little, like I did when I was younger… I wish I could remember the name of the first girl I ever had a crush on… I wish I had had a childhood… I wish my family really knew me… I wish anyone did…. I wish I knew what it felt like to be ignorant of many truths I could live without… I wish I had never touched drugs when I was a child… I wish I had never forgotten my best friend… I wish I knew what it felt like to not wish for all of these things… I wish I knew how to not smile on reflex anytime people are around. I wish I knew what it meant to be happy. I wish I could remember what my first ice cream was like. I wish I could remember my first kiss. I wish I could remember half the things I’ve forgotten, and forget half the things I know. I wish I wasn’t afraid of everyone… I wish I had a hand to hold on cold nites or warm mornings. I wish I could remember what a real hug felt like… I wish I knew what it felt like to change the world… I wish wishes were good for something other than verse. I wish I meant something to someone other than me… I wish that my art was really as good as I would like it to be… I wish I could it all out to the world… I wish I could remember what it was like to be the smart ignorant kid in class. I wish peoples reasons for doing most of what they do made sense to me… I wish someone cried for me out of love. I wish I was more appropriate to my generation. I wish my friends knew how much I really need them. I wish I knew how to say important things, rather than entertaining. I wish I could handle my problems as easily as I handle theirs. I wish I had never wished to be a tragedy, but I still wish it. I wish someone cared enough for me to be a tragedy… I wish they cared enough to make me change. I wish I didn’t only FEEL when I was alone… I wish I was able to allow myself to be weak… I wish I could remember how to cry… I wish I never learned how to fight. I wish I had fought for good causes. I wish I could make amends to myself for all that I cant. I wish everyone I know could read this. I wish I wasn’t a role model… I wish no one looked up to me… I wish I could be invisible sometimes… I wish I wasn’t at others… I wish I knew how it felt to be anyone else for a day. I wish everyone knew I am only as strong as they need me to be. I wish anyone knew how it felt to be me. I wish I could learn to not pretend I am always fine. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to. I wish beauty wasn’t just a word. I wish all my art didn’t break my heart.

I wish I remembered how to cry….