Hard to Deal With
I still remember the first feeling of happiness I got when I first met you. If it weren't for that wonderful friend of mine that introduced us, my life would be missing the spark you brought into it. Even now, after 14 years, I can feel my heart skip beats when I think of you all. So it's hard to deal with what I'm feeling right now.
Each member of Arashi has a special, beyond special place in my heart. They are a part of my life. So what happens with them affects me as if I knew them personally. Today I found out that Sho and Aiba have children. Why did I not know yet? I don't know. Because I've always lived inside a box. I enjoy, and re-enjoy videos, pictures, articles that I get a hold of. But to live up to date is not a skill of mine. So the news of these boys becoming fathers didn't reach me live. It is new to me today. I'm living it as if it just happened. I will come to my senses in a little while and realize the reality that I'm actually happy for them, because I do love them and want them to be happy and enjoy all the beautiful things of life. That will come surely, with no doubt. So in the meantime I want to savor a little selfish pain before it disperses away.
I knew Aiba and Sho had both gotten married on the same day a while back. All I need to say is that I relived what I lived when I found out Nino was married, but this time, twice. It might be something like having a friend who is your life-long secret crush. Then, suddenly hearing from someone else that he got married without saying a word. Without ever mentioning that he was seeing someone. That might be how I felt. A feeling not based on judgement, but feeling alone. I've since known that Aiba and Sho are married, and it's been a while now. And I learned to be happy for them. They deserve happiness. But today I learned that both Aiba and Sho have kids! What? I did not know this. I want to run out and scream into the stormy night! As if it wasn't bad enough that you are married. How do I deal with this? It's too much. I don't want you to have kids. Please go back to being the boys I met who dreamed of storming the world. Let's go back to that time. Let me enjoy you longer. Because time is moving so fast that I feel that could cry. You were going on hiatus before I even got to enjoy you enough. There is so much I missed. So many shows I wanted to see. So much I didn't get to enjoy because of being busy. Why was I so busy. Arashi is important to me. Couldn't I have made more time? Can I please get another try? I just want to enjoy you more. And now that you are married, I can't pretend not to know where your priorities are, as they should be. But it's hard to think that Arashi is not the center of your lives anymore. There is a separate center to each member's life. I wish I could choose to refuse to see this reality. I wish I could. So I feel fear, sadness, nostalgia. That's what I feel. How do I overcome this? I want to patch up these holes and wrap us all up in the blanket of Arashi's dreams again.