(Untitled)
I am so tired.
I am so overwhelmed.
So angry.
So frustrated.
And I wonder why the fuck I'm still here. No one listens. People don't really care. They say "let me know if you need anything," knowing you will never ask so it's safe to say that since it will never impact them.
I've done everything now for five months. For five months it's been that ( Read more... )
We have been safe, so far, from the plague. I'm amazed, considering my work cannot be done remotely ... well, mine can, the rest of the office, not so much. And we have gone out and done stuff, but never unmasked and I wash my hands like I was an ER nurse. Fingers crossed!
What we think happened with Rich is that he had some form of pneumonia for a while (I called it, no one listened, which pissed me off) and anemia, and when they FINALLY did a full scan, they found some swollen lymph nodes, which led them to fear cancer. The pneumonia cough was so bad, he broke one rib and fractured another, so he was down for the count. He couldn't help with the pets, carry groceries, garbage, anything, so it was all on me - Brynn helped when he was home, but this was before March 2020. And his iron level was so low that the oncologist was ready to hospitalize him. They couldn't biopsy the lymph nodes, but did a bone marrow biopsy and blood tests, which revealed no cancer markers, thank fuck. But his first iron transfusion sent him into anaphylactic shock and he nearly died right in front of me.
I do not recommend witnessing that, by the way. I totally dissociated (not unusual for panicky folk like me) and when I came to, the nurses were sitting on the floor in the hall with me, rubbing my arms while they stabilized Rich in the ER. Apparently, they didn't know if they should take me down too, cause I was ice cold and my eyes were blank. I think that was pretty much the last straw for me. And then, COVID.
Oh God, COVID. So much bullshit at my job. So many lines. So little toilet paper, pasta or flour.
You pretty much nailed my feelings about Joe and Kamala too. I think you're exactly right about how it will shake out. As for Cheeto, his followers and the white supremacists that follow him? He's ... I don't even have words, Adrian, for how vile I feel he is. I was afraid of the same thing, and to be honest, until Joe has his hand on that Bible on 1/20. I will be living in apprehension. You do have to hand it to Trump, though, and this relates to ways you speak about Aussies and even your own family's thoughts ... he knew his audience. He basically said, to every fragile white male, their fake-boobed, bleach-blonde, leather-skinned wives and drunken stoner kids who have AR 15s, "Hey, I know you hated having a poised, successful, literate, intelligent black man telling you what to do. And damned if we need another fucking Clinton in office ... you need ME. I'm just like you!"
Like fuck he is, but people believed an old white millionaire (more like a hundredaire, as it turns out), a cheater, a fraud with an icy, heartless trophy wife, actually cared about them. What bullshit. I'm glad your parents eventually saw him for what he is - a diapered despot, who cannot tell the truth to save his life and a petty toddler who has Twitter. POS. I would love to think he's gonna rot in jail, but given that he just pardoned actual murders, I doubt the idea of justice is alive and well in the US, unless your idea of justice is shaming anyone not exactly like you. I could go on, but I'll spare you any more of my rage.
*breathe* (Second comment, this one is too long!)
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Hungover Darcy (who can still be trusted - mostly - to drink a reasonable amount of alcohol without having a breakdown or spiraling headfirst into something darker) cant handle the smell of coffee today. So tea it is.
What are you doing work-wise these days? I remember a time where you were considering radiography or nursing? But I might be way off. Glad that you guys were minimally affected and could keep working (mostly). Sucks that people got shittier though. We had the same toilet paper, flour, pasta etc shortages too. Just goes to show that humans panic under pressure. And turn into selfish assholes sometimes. And that if there is ever an actual zombie apocalypse, we're screwed.
Holy fuck. As relieved as I am it turned out not to be cancer, it may as well have been from the stress it sounds like it caused you guys. Jesus H Christ. Never heard of anyone having an allergic reaction to an iron transfusion. How fucking terrifying! Definitely adding "anaphylactic shock" to my list of things I'd rather not see my partner experience. INCREDIBLY relieved to hear he's okay these days. And that it happened pre-covid.
Fuck covid. We've been very lucky here, comparatively. But damn I am so over it. It's changed the whole world and I don't think for the better. People are paranoid, selfish and all the anti-vaxers have come out of the woodwork. Our whole society seemed like it stopped trusting science somewhere in about 2008, and we didn't notice until now, when it was suddenly crucial that we did.
I think I'm cautiously optimistic about 2021. Covid won't be done and dusted for another year, I dont think (at least the Australian borders wont open until then.), but at least Cheeto will be gone. He was good at marketing, I will give him that. Dont understand how smart, educated people voted for him though. Not every trump fan is a hillbilly with three teeth. If they were, at least it would be easier to write them off as idiots. It's when smart, "regular" people who vote for him, it really makes me worry about the world.
I think we all did a lot of learning in 2020. Particularly those of us who are white, middle class (and male). Grappling with the whole "Oh, I have privilege" because I'm a white Australian man was educational. I've never had a bad interaction with a police officer in my life. Being queer and having experienced certain shitty life events has occasionally made life more challenging than it might have otherwise been, but not in the same way that being a POC would. Being a part of one minority (ie, being a man married to a man) doesn't make me qualified to speak on the discriminatory experiences of others. Which I guess I learned in 2020. haha. Better late than never I suppose. Just wish all fragile white men would do a bit of the same learnin'.
Lay all your rage on me baby! I miss your rage! It's justified rage!
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Ah, work. Well, the last time I spoke with you I was doing CNA work and was thinking about radiology. But between watching my patients spiral downward due to Alzheimers and getting injured on the job when a very, very large lady deliberately fell on me, knowing that I would catch her and she'd get attention, and ripped my shoulder up. I've been working at a driving school for three years now. I do not teach the little shits how to drive, but I run the office these days. C19 screwed us up royally during the shutdown, changed all the rules, and then it was 6 months of the worst parental attitudes you could imagine. When the world is falling to shit, be enraged cause your 15 year old hasn't started driver's ed yet. Take your rage at the world out on the person who answers the phone and can't change said world, and make them want to strangle you through the phone. It sent my direct supervisor over the edge and he had a mental break, leaving me in charge. I fucking roped that pony, helped hire a new person and became a boss bitch. Literally. I take no shit, and people have learned that.
Rich's ordeal was a pretty rough one. I had a lot of moments when I didn't know what to do, so I just put my head down and pushed through. People would say "What can I do?" and mean it, but all I could say was "nothing." I mean, come make my dog not be psychotic. Come do my laundry, lug my groceries up from the car, go to work for me. You know? But I can live without him seeing the bright light ever again. It was the single most terrifying moment of my life.
I named 2020 the year that everyone showed their true colors. Because they did. You were able to see who was a truly horrible person, no masks, no hiding. You saw who was ignorant, who was a cult follower, who didn't care about people. You also saw who was a good person. I've never watched a ticker of electoral votes in my life, but I refreshed that fucker every 5 minutes, and every time Joe went up, I sighed. I screamed at Georgia and Pennsylvania to get their shit together. It was kind of brutal, actually, watching the battle rage on, and Cheeto still isn't done. Is it wrong to wish a Big Mac heart attack on someone? It is, right?
Privilege is a hard thing to understand fully and address; I think everyone in 2020 had a struggle with it. The fragility of the white male was fully exposed these past few years, and it's been shocking to me, cause many of the worst offenders are my generation and just below. I'm sickened by these people and assholes like the Proud Boys? Give me a bat with barbed wire and let me into their "rallies." They wouldn't walk away from those. You talk about rage, I have it. But thoughtful people like yourself did examine their parts in the cultural structure and think about their place in it and how to move forward. I'm not surprised; you've been a smart, kind, thoughtful loving person all your life, and yes, I'm sure of this. I'm certainly the better person for being able to know you!
Brynn went to a couple BLM protests in Portland (the Maine one, not the war-zone Portland Oregon) and thank God, they were peaceful. His gf was a POC, who oddly was not on board with him being part of the BLM movement. Honestly, Tam was not a great match for him and he was trying to patch a sinking ship with duct tape most of the time with her. Still, first love and all. He speaks to me a lot about this (and everything else) and I'm proud of his perspectives - he's a much smarter person than either Rich or I and the fact that he wants others to learn and grow from history and current events is going to make him a fantastic teacher.
All I can think of is Indiana Jones in the classroom with the girls in the front row. :D
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Nurses deserve medals. And very large glasses of wine. Every nurse I have ever met has been utterly incredible (even the cranky ones). Can't understate the respect I have for nurses, but absolutely understand why you got out of it. Must be a really hard thing to watch people deteriorate. and fuck getting injured at work. That's the worst. Hope you're okay in spite of being crash tackled by a deranged whale. Sounds like you well and truly roped that pony ;) lollll. Proud of you MB, you boss bitch. Glad you're getting the respect at work you deserve <3
Ah, the old "what can I do?". People can be so, so kind, but so clueless. And it's not their fault either. In hindsight it's kind of sweet that people want to be able to lessen the burden when you're stressed/hurting/afraid/etc, but maybe we all need to collectively sit down and write a "how to actually be helpful to sad people" handbook. Honestly, for me, most of it would have been filling up my freezer so I was actually eating properly. But groceries and laundry and walk the dog do come pretty close. Hope you had a few people turn up to do your laundry and make you a few casseroles. <3
Hope Rich doesn't see that bright light for a loooooong time. Not until he's old and decrepit, thankyou. How are you two doing anyway? I see that you're back together (for years now), after a split? I went and re-read a bunch of messages from like 8 years ago and gosh there was a lot going on. Hope it's all calmed down and you guys are good.
Definitely agree with the "2020 true colours" sentiment. 100%. Couldn't have put it better. Made it so clear which people were assholes flying under the radar the whole time. In a way, I'm sort of glad the veil has been lifted and those people can't hide in plain sight anymore. Equally glad that the good, kind, sensible people came out of the woodwork too. Glad we as a society are finally appreciating the amazing work that nurses, doctors, hospital cleaners, aged care workers, preschool teachers, supermarket workers, posties etc etc do. We need to pay them better (okay maybe not the doctors), but some recognition is a good start.
I watched that election ticker too. It was the most bizarre week and a half of our lives. I follow Aus politics fairly closely, but I have never followed a foreign election as closely as I did this time. I think maybe it's because whatever happens in the states is going to have a really profound impact on Aus. Maybe not Finland (it's too busy being european...), but it will (and has) impact enormously on Australia. Trump emboldened our racist whackjobs. To the point where one went and killed dozens of muslims in a mosque in Christchurch NZ (remember that?). Impacts on our foreign (esp trade) policies enormously too. I am SO relieved that Biden won. China isn't backing down any time soon (and Aus will suffer economically because we stupidly put all of our export-eggs in one china-shaped basket), but at least we're not going to be forced to choose between America and China and risk getting nuked by the other one. AH world politics. Complicated. Joe might be more of the same "washington establishment", but at least he's a nice person, is a skilled, dignified diplomat and can negotiate. And he surrounded himself with smart people. Who knows, the world might actually get some action on climate change outta this!
I hope cheeto chokes on his big mac. Actually no. I hope he ACTUALLY gets covid (totally didn't have it before. just a sham to avoid a debate.), feels like shit for months and months, then gets prosecuted and thrown into jail by the state of New York for tax evasion. THEN has his massive big mac heart attack. Can't go until he's received a bit of justice. Gotta prove his guilt in the court of law so that he doesn't become a martyr to his whackjob fans.
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If nothing else comes out of cheeto's reign of terror, I'm glad that BLM did. It's awful that it got to the point that it did (when these injustices have been going on for years and years), but I'm glad it finally broke and 2020 forced us comfy white kids to actually recognise that something is wrong. D and I went to a rally protest solidarity thing in Sydney. It felt kind of weird, because I have friends who are police officers and on the whole, NSW Police are very well educated (they have degrees), well selected (big psych test to get in.) and community policing is a thing. (don't even get me started on gun legislation here. If you're a cop, the only time you're allowed to point a gun at someone is if they point a gun or a knife at you first.). But if black/brown/indigenous people say that they have issues with police regulation, then I believe them and support them. It was weird. I dont think Australia needs to defund or abolish the police - kind of a dumb idea tbh - but if we're calling for better education, better selection, tighter regulation and tougher consequences for the bad apples, then yeah, I'm all for it. Peaceful, socially distanced march and everyone was masked. But it felt like the right thing to do.
Proud boys can go to hell. I'd be right there beside you MB with the barbed wire. I am so incredibly grateful that we dont really have them here. Guns arent legal and Australians have a general distrust of religion, so super religions conservatives with rifles probably aren't going to organise here. We have enough hateful ignorant fuckwits, but i dont think they're quite as organised. But on a happier note, did you see what gay twitter did to the proud boys hashtag? Reclaimed it and posted all these pictures of proudly gay men doing adorable things. Made my little queer heart SO happy. Gorgeous. Fuck you proud boys. sideways with a hammer.
B's gf sounds like she might have just been a bit immature. Too young to understand the importance of social justice, or too sheltered to realise that it might apply to her? I'm sure she was a sweetheart, but it sounds like a good thing that the young fella let that ship sink. A better one will come along. Someone who will love him and challenge him. I love that he can talk to you about love and life and all the important stuff though. I never really could with my mum, so he's incredibly lucky to have you. You are such a damn good mama Candi. That boy has turned out fantastic because of you. I absolutely agree that he'll make a WICKED teacher.
mmmmm Indiana Jones.
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