(no subject)
On both Instagram and FB, I follow a feed called "Humans of New York." In fact, it should be called "Humans of the World," since it's founder goes all over the globe and brings back amazing insights from people who otherwise would never be represented.
One I just read was about a woman who's father belittled her talents, called her stupid, didn't believe in her, and ended with how she proved him so very wrong about her talents. The comments ranged from "That was me, too," to "Wow, my parents thought I hung the moon."
Sadly, I am in the "that was me, too," category. When I was young, I encountered a curious paradox with my parents; I was simultaneously "too smart" to do just anything but "not suited, or not smart enough" to do many of the things I originally thought I would be good at. These mixed messages followed me all through my life, past my father's death, and years with my mother. Only in the last, say, ten years, has my mother started supporting me and believing in me. Sadly, it's far too little, far too late.
I don't give a fuck what dialectical behavior training says. What neuroscientists say. What clergy says. I cannot reprogram my brain to be kind to me, to support me, to not be my enemy. I was programmed since the very early years to believe that yes, I am the smartest girl in the room (debatable, but according to past therapists, one of my rallying cries) but that I cannot do anything. I'm both the smartest and the least capable. And if you think living like that is pure hell?
You'd be absolutely correct.
One I just read was about a woman who's father belittled her talents, called her stupid, didn't believe in her, and ended with how she proved him so very wrong about her talents. The comments ranged from "That was me, too," to "Wow, my parents thought I hung the moon."
Sadly, I am in the "that was me, too," category. When I was young, I encountered a curious paradox with my parents; I was simultaneously "too smart" to do just anything but "not suited, or not smart enough" to do many of the things I originally thought I would be good at. These mixed messages followed me all through my life, past my father's death, and years with my mother. Only in the last, say, ten years, has my mother started supporting me and believing in me. Sadly, it's far too little, far too late.
I don't give a fuck what dialectical behavior training says. What neuroscientists say. What clergy says. I cannot reprogram my brain to be kind to me, to support me, to not be my enemy. I was programmed since the very early years to believe that yes, I am the smartest girl in the room (debatable, but according to past therapists, one of my rallying cries) but that I cannot do anything. I'm both the smartest and the least capable. And if you think living like that is pure hell?
You'd be absolutely correct.