A Tangled Web part nineteen!
Ok, here it is! A Tangled Web part nineteen. This part is not only the longest I ever posted but the most difficult to write. Zuko needed a huge shovel to get himself out of the hole he dug in the last part and it took me a while to find it. Special thanks goes out to my beta Smillaraaq for her incredible paitence and utterly perfect suggestions. Love ya, hon!
Warning: None really, unless you can't take a healthy dollop of angst. ^_~
ETA: This is one of the only parts that has a theme song... It's "My Confession" by Josh Groban
X-posted
Part nineteen: Cloudburst
Zuko placed a hand on the cool marble wall and leaned his forehead on his arm. He looked at Katara’s chamber door and realized he’d never been so afraid in his life. Recalling the horror on her face, he sighed heavily. How could I have screwed up so badly? She will never trust me now. Well, there was nothing he could do now but try to fix it, if possible.
He knocked firmly at the door not knowing what to expect. No answer. As he raised his fist to knock once again, the door abruptly opened.
Ambassador Pakku stood there frowning at him. “Prince Zuko.” The older man’s gaze dropped to Zuko’s chest and his frown deepened, eyes narrowing suspiciously. I forgot to close my tunic. He closed his eyes briefly. Can this day get any better?
“What is it you require… my Lord?” The honorific added almost begrudgingly.
Might as well just get to the point. “Is Lady Katara in?”
“My granddaughter is not receiving visitors at this time.” Of course not and the old man looked particularly pleased to tell him that. This was no longer the genial man he had discussed politics with at dinner. It made him wonder just what Katara had told him.
He swallowed his pride. “Please. I really need to speak with her.”
Pakku lifted a brow. “Regarding what?”
Zuko cleared his throat. “That is a personal matter between the lady and myself.” Gods, he hated explaining himself.
“I find that hard to believe. Good day, Prince Zuko.” The snideness of his tone set Zuko’s teeth on edge. He put his hand on the door as Pakku started to close it.
“Wait. Will you at least give her a message for me?” It was better than nothing.
Zuko didn’t think it possible for the old man’s face to grow sourer. “Very well.”
“Just…” He licked his lips, suddenly nervous. “Just tell her that… I’m sorry.”
Pakku looked at him dismissively. “I’m sure. I’ll relay the message.”
“Tha…” The door shut before he could finish.
Zuko’s fists flamed in a rare show of fury.
GODS!
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
Katara leaned against the door; unshed tears blurring the shocked faces of Gran Gran and Pakku.
“What’s wrong, Katara? Are you alright, child?” Her grandmother’s voice washed over her in comforting and concerned tones. She just shook her head and rushed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her as the two older people stared at each other in consternation.
She fell on her bed and let the tears flow. This is a nightmare. I am going to wake up any minute and everything will be like it was before.
But she knew that wasn’t true. No nightmare could be so horrible. She could still see the image of Zuko’s enraptured face as he held the other girl…. the other girl… his sister…
His sister, and her friend. She remembered how Azula had smiled at her with such triumph on her face. Her expression seemed to say, “He’s mine and you will never have him. Never be with him like this.”
Shame filled her as she realized that she did want to be with him just like that. Katara wanted to be the one who made him pant with need, wanted to be the cause of that beautiful flush of pleasure on his face. She felt disgust at the frisson of desire and envy that had passed through her at the sight. No man should be so sinfully gorgeous or so wicked.
And she had trusted him. It was overwhelming the betrayal she felt. How could he do that to me? He had to know I was on my way. She really thought that he cared for her, that they were becoming friends. But then I thought that the princess was my friend as well.
She wiped more tears from her cheeks. Apparently the siblings were much better friends with each other. Her stomach turned slightly. How long have they been doing that? That didn’t look like the first time. They must have been together all the while…
Suddenly things that seemed so innocent before, the odd touches and glances she had dismissed as familial, took on a more sinister mien. And the oh-so-coincidental arrivals of the prince in just the right place at just the right time….
Another dreadful thought occurred to her.
Have they been toying with me all along?
She would never ignore her instincts again.
“…Zuko.” Pakku’s voice filtered through the door.
What is going on? Katara cautiously opened her door a crack, until she could hear Pakku talking to someone.
“Just tell her that… I’m sorry.” The sound of the prince's voice sucked the breath out of her.
He’s sorry? Sorry?! That bastard. He is still trying to play me. But he sounded so sincere, so remorseful; she could feel herself wanting to believe him. Damn him for making me feel this way. Damn them both.
Closing her door softly, she crept back into her bed. She hugged her pillow to her belly, curling up in an attempt to ease the pain. She was less than successful.
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
It wasn’t until after breakfast the following day that Zuko was able to catch Katara alone. She had not attended the previous night's dinner or ball. An unfamiliar sense of guilt stung him. I have to make this right. He waited until she exited the dining hall and discreetly followed her as she roamed the halls aimlessly. He was surprised when she gradually headed towards the hidden garden path, but decided then to speak up.
“Coming to see me?”
She whirled to face him. “You! You leave me alone! I have nothing to say to you.”
“Then why are you headed to my garden?”
She looked around her as if just noticing where she was. “I… wasn’t. I… just… just…”
“I owe you an explanation, but not here. Please… come with me.” He gestured to the pathway.
She slowly shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
He rubbed his forehead, trying to soothe the headache that throbbed there. “Please. I swear I just want to explain.”
“What’s to explain? It seemed pretty clear to me.” She frowned at him, biting her lip in confusion. “Zuko, how… how could you do that? With….” She stopped, seemingly unable to finish.
“It’s not what you think. Please, just let me…” He cocked his head to one side at the sound of voices approaching from around the corner.
“Someone is coming. Please…” His tone echoed the anxiety he felt as he gestured again to the path. He was vibrating with tension. If she refused, he wasn’t sure he would get another opportunity.
She looked indecisive for a moment but eventually walked to the partially concealed door. He quickly followed, thanking every god he knew for this boon.
As soon as they entered the garden she made a beeline for the pond, standing close by it as if in challenge.
Keeping his distance in deference to her fear, he sat on the bench. The sky cast dark shadows over them as a storm approached. How fitting.
“You said you wanted to explain.” She was looking at him sternly, but he could see a hint of something that gave him hope. She wanted to believe.
He had many things that he had wanted to say, had stayed up most of the night planning, but they all flew out of his head as he gazed at her expectant face.
“I don’t know what to say.” He shook his head in disbelief.
She however, had plenty to say. “I was really starting to trust you, you know?” She gave a bitter laugh. “I can’t believe that I was so foolish.” She lowered her voice to a whisper; he had to strain to hear. “I didn’t want to believe them. But they were right.” She closed her eyes and then opened them a second later, pinning him with a furious stare. “How could you do that?! It is bad enough that you were with someone else, but her?! What is wrong with you?!”
He stood up and began to pace. His own anger was rising -- directed at himself or at her, he wasn’t sure. “It’s not what you think!”
“Then what the hell was that?! I saw you, Zuko! I saw your face! You wanted her!”
He looked up at the dark grey sky and sighed. “I’ve always wanted her.”
“You’ve always wanted your sister?” She sounded incredulous.
“Step-sister.” He raised his brows for emphasis.
“That doesn’t make it better.”
Zuko sat down again and tried to think of how to explain something that even he didn’t fully understand. Eventually the words just tumbled out, almost as if he was telling it to himself. He stared at nothing as memories filled his mind.
“I’ve known her for so long… We met right here in this garden. My mother was hosting a party of some sort. Azula was so timid and…” He smiled softly at the memory. “… pretty. I didn’t see her again until my father married her mother. We were both so busy trying to play each other until we realized that is was more fun to work together. She was the first girl I ever…”
Katara interrupted, startling him out of his thoughts. “What? Slept with?” She sounded disgusted.
He looked up at her. “No.” He chuckled softly at the notion. “Azula was the first girl I ever loved.”
“She could make me do anything. Anything she asked. And I would do it just to make her happy, to see her smile. She wanted me to seduce you.” He didn’t know why he admitted that to her but he was suddenly tired of lying, tired of feeling one way and saying something else.
“What?! Why?!” The hurt and shock in her voice made him suck in his breath.
“Because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and engaged to the wrong man, because she’s evil and vindictive and because… He swallowed hard. “…I’m evil too.” He frowned, sorrow punctuating his words. “I was going to lie to you today.”
“What?” She sounded breathless with surprise and dismay.
He looked her in the eye. “I had it all planned. I knew just what to say to make every thing all… right again. You would have believed me too.”
“I’m not as stupid as you think I am.” She looked irritated at the thought.
“No. But I am that good of a liar. I’ve done it before… many times. Too many times.”
“Well, if you are so good at what you do, why did I catch you?” Bitterness and disgust underlined her every word.
“I don’t know... Azula caught me off guard. She’s never let me go that far. She has always held me off before. Always pushed me away. Always… until…” He frowned as he remembered her words.
I was beginning to wonder if you’d forgotten me.
He laughed suddenly.
“Something funny?” Katara did not sound pleased.
A light rain began to fall. He lifted a hand to push a stray lock of hair off his forehead before stroking his jaw.
“Yeah, hilarious. But the joke's on me.” He chuckled ruefully. “I don’t know how I missed it.”
“Missed what? What are you talking about?” Her annoyance was clear.
“She was jealous. She knew you were coming. Knew I was waiting for you. She wanted you to see. She was afraid of you. Because… Gods, she knows me so well… she tried to tell me before and I didn’t want to believe her. But she was right.” He smiled in amazement as everything became shockingly clear. “She was right.”
“What are you talking about? You are not making any sense! Right about what?”
He stood and came near to her, pleased when she didn’t shy away. He had been terrified that he had said too much, that he had bared too much of his soul and she would reject him. But she just stared at him in confusion and a tiny bit of annoyance; her eyes held no hatred, no real disgust. He couldn’t believe the joy he felt in that instant. He understood now. He knew why she was different from all the others.
“Right about this….” He touched her face, tracing the water as it curved along her cheek. He smiled at her gently wonder filling him.
“I’ve fallen in love with you.”
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
Katara could hardly believe her ears.
“Excuse me?” Did he just….?
“I love you.” He stepped even closer to her, his eyes warm and oh gods… tender.
“Stop, just stop.” She shook her head and held up a hand to ward him off as she slowly backed away, denying the joy that leapt in her heart at his words. A tiny voice within her whispered. He’s a liar. Don’t trust him.
“You don’t believe me.”
“Why should I? You just told me that you lie to me every time you speak to me!” Rage at his betrayals filled her.
“Not every time. Not this time.” Zuko seemed so earnest; she really wanted to believe him. No. He’s fooled me before. Suddenly, it was too much. He had told her so many things and she didn’t know what was real anymore. He seemed so sincere and his story had the uncomfortable ring of truth, but what if it was just another lie? She was too afraid to believe.
“Go away! Go away and leave me alone!” Katara tried to turn away but he locked his hands around her upper arms, holding her there. She would wonder later why she didn’t just attack him.
“I can’t! You make me crazy. This was supposed to be easy! But you got inside me somehow. Turning everything I believe in upside-down. I hate you! …and I love you. Can’t you understand? I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’m losing my mind.” He was shaking her, his breath coming hard, rain trickling down his face like tears.
She beat against his chest with her fists, venting her fury. “Well, I hate you. You hurt me over and over again and I can’t stay away. I shouldn’t even be here after what you did but here I am. Feeling… I don’t know… I don’t want to feel anything for you. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t ca…” She sagged in his arms and looked away, unwilling to let him see how he affected her.
“Care. You care for me.” He touched her chin. “Look at me.”
Katara shook her head, wet hair clinging to her face and neck. “No. I don’t want to see you.”
“That’s just it. You do see me. Like no one ever has. With you, I’m a good man, a real Prince. I feel like I could be more than what I am. You make me feel.”
“You make me feel, too much. I don’t want this. I don’t want to love you.” She felt as if her soul was ripping in two. Why is he doing this to me?
“But you do.” Zuko leaned his forehead against hers, the water running down their bodies in joining trails. His voice lowered to a whisper. “You love me… you love me.”
She closed her eyes in defeat and he kissed her.
End part nineteen
Warning: None really, unless you can't take a healthy dollop of angst. ^_~
ETA: This is one of the only parts that has a theme song... It's "My Confession" by Josh Groban
X-posted
Part nineteen: Cloudburst
Zuko placed a hand on the cool marble wall and leaned his forehead on his arm. He looked at Katara’s chamber door and realized he’d never been so afraid in his life. Recalling the horror on her face, he sighed heavily. How could I have screwed up so badly? She will never trust me now. Well, there was nothing he could do now but try to fix it, if possible.
He knocked firmly at the door not knowing what to expect. No answer. As he raised his fist to knock once again, the door abruptly opened.
Ambassador Pakku stood there frowning at him. “Prince Zuko.” The older man’s gaze dropped to Zuko’s chest and his frown deepened, eyes narrowing suspiciously. I forgot to close my tunic. He closed his eyes briefly. Can this day get any better?
“What is it you require… my Lord?” The honorific added almost begrudgingly.
Might as well just get to the point. “Is Lady Katara in?”
“My granddaughter is not receiving visitors at this time.” Of course not and the old man looked particularly pleased to tell him that. This was no longer the genial man he had discussed politics with at dinner. It made him wonder just what Katara had told him.
He swallowed his pride. “Please. I really need to speak with her.”
Pakku lifted a brow. “Regarding what?”
Zuko cleared his throat. “That is a personal matter between the lady and myself.” Gods, he hated explaining himself.
“I find that hard to believe. Good day, Prince Zuko.” The snideness of his tone set Zuko’s teeth on edge. He put his hand on the door as Pakku started to close it.
“Wait. Will you at least give her a message for me?” It was better than nothing.
Zuko didn’t think it possible for the old man’s face to grow sourer. “Very well.”
“Just…” He licked his lips, suddenly nervous. “Just tell her that… I’m sorry.”
Pakku looked at him dismissively. “I’m sure. I’ll relay the message.”
“Tha…” The door shut before he could finish.
Zuko’s fists flamed in a rare show of fury.
GODS!
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
Katara leaned against the door; unshed tears blurring the shocked faces of Gran Gran and Pakku.
“What’s wrong, Katara? Are you alright, child?” Her grandmother’s voice washed over her in comforting and concerned tones. She just shook her head and rushed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her as the two older people stared at each other in consternation.
She fell on her bed and let the tears flow. This is a nightmare. I am going to wake up any minute and everything will be like it was before.
But she knew that wasn’t true. No nightmare could be so horrible. She could still see the image of Zuko’s enraptured face as he held the other girl…. the other girl… his sister…
His sister, and her friend. She remembered how Azula had smiled at her with such triumph on her face. Her expression seemed to say, “He’s mine and you will never have him. Never be with him like this.”
Shame filled her as she realized that she did want to be with him just like that. Katara wanted to be the one who made him pant with need, wanted to be the cause of that beautiful flush of pleasure on his face. She felt disgust at the frisson of desire and envy that had passed through her at the sight. No man should be so sinfully gorgeous or so wicked.
And she had trusted him. It was overwhelming the betrayal she felt. How could he do that to me? He had to know I was on my way. She really thought that he cared for her, that they were becoming friends. But then I thought that the princess was my friend as well.
She wiped more tears from her cheeks. Apparently the siblings were much better friends with each other. Her stomach turned slightly. How long have they been doing that? That didn’t look like the first time. They must have been together all the while…
Suddenly things that seemed so innocent before, the odd touches and glances she had dismissed as familial, took on a more sinister mien. And the oh-so-coincidental arrivals of the prince in just the right place at just the right time….
Another dreadful thought occurred to her.
Have they been toying with me all along?
She would never ignore her instincts again.
“…Zuko.” Pakku’s voice filtered through the door.
What is going on? Katara cautiously opened her door a crack, until she could hear Pakku talking to someone.
“Just tell her that… I’m sorry.” The sound of the prince's voice sucked the breath out of her.
He’s sorry? Sorry?! That bastard. He is still trying to play me. But he sounded so sincere, so remorseful; she could feel herself wanting to believe him. Damn him for making me feel this way. Damn them both.
Closing her door softly, she crept back into her bed. She hugged her pillow to her belly, curling up in an attempt to ease the pain. She was less than successful.
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
It wasn’t until after breakfast the following day that Zuko was able to catch Katara alone. She had not attended the previous night's dinner or ball. An unfamiliar sense of guilt stung him. I have to make this right. He waited until she exited the dining hall and discreetly followed her as she roamed the halls aimlessly. He was surprised when she gradually headed towards the hidden garden path, but decided then to speak up.
“Coming to see me?”
She whirled to face him. “You! You leave me alone! I have nothing to say to you.”
“Then why are you headed to my garden?”
She looked around her as if just noticing where she was. “I… wasn’t. I… just… just…”
“I owe you an explanation, but not here. Please… come with me.” He gestured to the pathway.
She slowly shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
He rubbed his forehead, trying to soothe the headache that throbbed there. “Please. I swear I just want to explain.”
“What’s to explain? It seemed pretty clear to me.” She frowned at him, biting her lip in confusion. “Zuko, how… how could you do that? With….” She stopped, seemingly unable to finish.
“It’s not what you think. Please, just let me…” He cocked his head to one side at the sound of voices approaching from around the corner.
“Someone is coming. Please…” His tone echoed the anxiety he felt as he gestured again to the path. He was vibrating with tension. If she refused, he wasn’t sure he would get another opportunity.
She looked indecisive for a moment but eventually walked to the partially concealed door. He quickly followed, thanking every god he knew for this boon.
As soon as they entered the garden she made a beeline for the pond, standing close by it as if in challenge.
Keeping his distance in deference to her fear, he sat on the bench. The sky cast dark shadows over them as a storm approached. How fitting.
“You said you wanted to explain.” She was looking at him sternly, but he could see a hint of something that gave him hope. She wanted to believe.
He had many things that he had wanted to say, had stayed up most of the night planning, but they all flew out of his head as he gazed at her expectant face.
“I don’t know what to say.” He shook his head in disbelief.
She however, had plenty to say. “I was really starting to trust you, you know?” She gave a bitter laugh. “I can’t believe that I was so foolish.” She lowered her voice to a whisper; he had to strain to hear. “I didn’t want to believe them. But they were right.” She closed her eyes and then opened them a second later, pinning him with a furious stare. “How could you do that?! It is bad enough that you were with someone else, but her?! What is wrong with you?!”
He stood up and began to pace. His own anger was rising -- directed at himself or at her, he wasn’t sure. “It’s not what you think!”
“Then what the hell was that?! I saw you, Zuko! I saw your face! You wanted her!”
He looked up at the dark grey sky and sighed. “I’ve always wanted her.”
“You’ve always wanted your sister?” She sounded incredulous.
“Step-sister.” He raised his brows for emphasis.
“That doesn’t make it better.”
Zuko sat down again and tried to think of how to explain something that even he didn’t fully understand. Eventually the words just tumbled out, almost as if he was telling it to himself. He stared at nothing as memories filled his mind.
“I’ve known her for so long… We met right here in this garden. My mother was hosting a party of some sort. Azula was so timid and…” He smiled softly at the memory. “… pretty. I didn’t see her again until my father married her mother. We were both so busy trying to play each other until we realized that is was more fun to work together. She was the first girl I ever…”
Katara interrupted, startling him out of his thoughts. “What? Slept with?” She sounded disgusted.
He looked up at her. “No.” He chuckled softly at the notion. “Azula was the first girl I ever loved.”
“She could make me do anything. Anything she asked. And I would do it just to make her happy, to see her smile. She wanted me to seduce you.” He didn’t know why he admitted that to her but he was suddenly tired of lying, tired of feeling one way and saying something else.
“What?! Why?!” The hurt and shock in her voice made him suck in his breath.
“Because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and engaged to the wrong man, because she’s evil and vindictive and because… He swallowed hard. “…I’m evil too.” He frowned, sorrow punctuating his words. “I was going to lie to you today.”
“What?” She sounded breathless with surprise and dismay.
He looked her in the eye. “I had it all planned. I knew just what to say to make every thing all… right again. You would have believed me too.”
“I’m not as stupid as you think I am.” She looked irritated at the thought.
“No. But I am that good of a liar. I’ve done it before… many times. Too many times.”
“Well, if you are so good at what you do, why did I catch you?” Bitterness and disgust underlined her every word.
“I don’t know... Azula caught me off guard. She’s never let me go that far. She has always held me off before. Always pushed me away. Always… until…” He frowned as he remembered her words.
I was beginning to wonder if you’d forgotten me.
He laughed suddenly.
“Something funny?” Katara did not sound pleased.
A light rain began to fall. He lifted a hand to push a stray lock of hair off his forehead before stroking his jaw.
“Yeah, hilarious. But the joke's on me.” He chuckled ruefully. “I don’t know how I missed it.”
“Missed what? What are you talking about?” Her annoyance was clear.
“She was jealous. She knew you were coming. Knew I was waiting for you. She wanted you to see. She was afraid of you. Because… Gods, she knows me so well… she tried to tell me before and I didn’t want to believe her. But she was right.” He smiled in amazement as everything became shockingly clear. “She was right.”
“What are you talking about? You are not making any sense! Right about what?”
He stood and came near to her, pleased when she didn’t shy away. He had been terrified that he had said too much, that he had bared too much of his soul and she would reject him. But she just stared at him in confusion and a tiny bit of annoyance; her eyes held no hatred, no real disgust. He couldn’t believe the joy he felt in that instant. He understood now. He knew why she was different from all the others.
“Right about this….” He touched her face, tracing the water as it curved along her cheek. He smiled at her gently wonder filling him.
“I’ve fallen in love with you.”
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
Katara could hardly believe her ears.
“Excuse me?” Did he just….?
“I love you.” He stepped even closer to her, his eyes warm and oh gods… tender.
“Stop, just stop.” She shook her head and held up a hand to ward him off as she slowly backed away, denying the joy that leapt in her heart at his words. A tiny voice within her whispered. He’s a liar. Don’t trust him.
“You don’t believe me.”
“Why should I? You just told me that you lie to me every time you speak to me!” Rage at his betrayals filled her.
“Not every time. Not this time.” Zuko seemed so earnest; she really wanted to believe him. No. He’s fooled me before. Suddenly, it was too much. He had told her so many things and she didn’t know what was real anymore. He seemed so sincere and his story had the uncomfortable ring of truth, but what if it was just another lie? She was too afraid to believe.
“Go away! Go away and leave me alone!” Katara tried to turn away but he locked his hands around her upper arms, holding her there. She would wonder later why she didn’t just attack him.
“I can’t! You make me crazy. This was supposed to be easy! But you got inside me somehow. Turning everything I believe in upside-down. I hate you! …and I love you. Can’t you understand? I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’m losing my mind.” He was shaking her, his breath coming hard, rain trickling down his face like tears.
She beat against his chest with her fists, venting her fury. “Well, I hate you. You hurt me over and over again and I can’t stay away. I shouldn’t even be here after what you did but here I am. Feeling… I don’t know… I don’t want to feel anything for you. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t ca…” She sagged in his arms and looked away, unwilling to let him see how he affected her.
“Care. You care for me.” He touched her chin. “Look at me.”
Katara shook her head, wet hair clinging to her face and neck. “No. I don’t want to see you.”
“That’s just it. You do see me. Like no one ever has. With you, I’m a good man, a real Prince. I feel like I could be more than what I am. You make me feel.”
“You make me feel, too much. I don’t want this. I don’t want to love you.” She felt as if her soul was ripping in two. Why is he doing this to me?
“But you do.” Zuko leaned his forehead against hers, the water running down their bodies in joining trails. His voice lowered to a whisper. “You love me… you love me.”
She closed her eyes in defeat and he kissed her.
End part nineteen