El Subjecto
So I was reading back through this thing the other day cause I wanted to verify that I had called something about the new Harry Potter (I totally did... though I think a lot of people did, but still), and I realised that I wrote here a lot more when I was depressed. I hardly post at all lately, partly cause I'm sure very few people read it, and I thought partly cause there's been nothing noteworthy happening, but I think that part's wrong. I just haven't felt like posting cause I haven't been super depressed, or depressed at all really. The last year and a half or so has probably been the best of my life since I was a very, very small child.
I've been flipping burgers for a living, it's an easy job and I like most of the people there. I work 30 hours a week at the most, I make just barely enough to get by (getting by includes buying pot fairly regularly and occasionlly indulging in some alchohol or buying a video game), and it's great, because I really don't like working. I don't mean at this job, I mean at all. I do it because it's essecential to my survival, and more so beacuse it allows me to mantain a comfortable life. A lot of people would probably be quite unhappy living the way I do, but I know that I am blessed to be in my situation, and anyone who can't understand why should probably do some deep thinking about life, the universe, and everything.
Reading back through this thing has also given me the desire to continue writing here because it is, in fact, a journal. I had actually forgotten how incredibly unhappy I was, which speaks even more for how happy I actually am now. I have a general recollection of all of my life, but actually reading the things I wrote at the time drastically shaprens my memory of not just the things that were happening, but how I felt at the time. I really like the idea of coming back to this some day many years from now and pouring over page after page of my stupid rambling, because it helps solidify my experiences, and our experiences are all we have.
I used to write here mostly as a passive way of trying to get a little attention, which is pretty much the only way I try to get attention, beacuse I am quite afraid of expressing myself, and I know it is irrational, but fear is really the greatest motivator in my life, which is really a terrible thing, and I hope that I'm going to be able to change that with a little time. Which brings me to the other thing (kind of still in the middle of what I started with, but that's the great thing about rambling versus structured writing, I don't have to care) aside from doing a whole lot of nothing, I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about my life, and I know that all of that thinking is a significant part of why I am so much happier now. It's a lot of personal stuff that I don't want to get into in a public post.
And the point that I was in the middle of before, I am going to continue writting here now for the purpose of better recalling my life, instead of for the desperate hope that I might get that email saying that I had a reply, somehow giving an ammount of value to my life, value that I used to see very little of.
And now somethings that have happened recently that will want to remember better later. Carl recently introduced me to a fun little game called Zonk, and hopefully in many years when I next have the desire to read through my journal again it will have many entries concerning the game.
I smoked up one of my managers from work after he gave me a ride home the other day. Name's Tom, he's a pretty cool guy, in his mid-thirties I think but has the sense of humor of someone my age if not younger. I gave him some seeds to plant cause he has a house out in the boonies and I was probably never going to do anything with them anyway. Hopefully those will come up again as well.
And those are the two biggest things I can think of at the moment, I'm sure there's other stuff, but I can through it in later, cause I just realised I've been at this for over an hour now and I started to kill a little time while I installed a game that I want to try out, so now I'm going to do that.
I've been flipping burgers for a living, it's an easy job and I like most of the people there. I work 30 hours a week at the most, I make just barely enough to get by (getting by includes buying pot fairly regularly and occasionlly indulging in some alchohol or buying a video game), and it's great, because I really don't like working. I don't mean at this job, I mean at all. I do it because it's essecential to my survival, and more so beacuse it allows me to mantain a comfortable life. A lot of people would probably be quite unhappy living the way I do, but I know that I am blessed to be in my situation, and anyone who can't understand why should probably do some deep thinking about life, the universe, and everything.
Reading back through this thing has also given me the desire to continue writing here because it is, in fact, a journal. I had actually forgotten how incredibly unhappy I was, which speaks even more for how happy I actually am now. I have a general recollection of all of my life, but actually reading the things I wrote at the time drastically shaprens my memory of not just the things that were happening, but how I felt at the time. I really like the idea of coming back to this some day many years from now and pouring over page after page of my stupid rambling, because it helps solidify my experiences, and our experiences are all we have.
I used to write here mostly as a passive way of trying to get a little attention, which is pretty much the only way I try to get attention, beacuse I am quite afraid of expressing myself, and I know it is irrational, but fear is really the greatest motivator in my life, which is really a terrible thing, and I hope that I'm going to be able to change that with a little time. Which brings me to the other thing (kind of still in the middle of what I started with, but that's the great thing about rambling versus structured writing, I don't have to care) aside from doing a whole lot of nothing, I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about my life, and I know that all of that thinking is a significant part of why I am so much happier now. It's a lot of personal stuff that I don't want to get into in a public post.
And the point that I was in the middle of before, I am going to continue writting here now for the purpose of better recalling my life, instead of for the desperate hope that I might get that email saying that I had a reply, somehow giving an ammount of value to my life, value that I used to see very little of.
And now somethings that have happened recently that will want to remember better later. Carl recently introduced me to a fun little game called Zonk, and hopefully in many years when I next have the desire to read through my journal again it will have many entries concerning the game.
I smoked up one of my managers from work after he gave me a ride home the other day. Name's Tom, he's a pretty cool guy, in his mid-thirties I think but has the sense of humor of someone my age if not younger. I gave him some seeds to plant cause he has a house out in the boonies and I was probably never going to do anything with them anyway. Hopefully those will come up again as well.
And those are the two biggest things I can think of at the moment, I'm sure there's other stuff, but I can through it in later, cause I just realised I've been at this for over an hour now and I started to kill a little time while I installed a game that I want to try out, so now I'm going to do that.